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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Pivotal moment! Advice please!
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Ok...so you've all been counseling me all day about telling/not telling WH stuff.

WH asked me if I had called my attorney like we agreed I would. (That was after a discussion of who is filing, are we mediating, blah, blah, blah...) I said I had and he asked me when I was meeting him. I said next week. Then he got all bent out of shape because I didn't offer the information, he had to ask for it.

He sent me an email saying, Nekorb, in the future I would like to be notified after you contact a lawyer especially since I asked you to tell me. I am not sure why I had to ask you.

(We have created dedicated email addresses for communicating about this stuff - kids don't have access and there's a paper trail, etc)

I went back through our emails where we clarified what the plan was and nowhere does it say I am to report back to him as to whether or not I made the appt with the lawyer. Just said I was going to do it.

I'm torn between these responses:

A.Nowhere in this email thread did you ask me to report back to you as to when my appt with my attorney is. We agreed I would be making the appt and left it at that.

I am not required to, nor is it necessary for me to tell you when I've spoken with my attorney.

B. I am not required to nor is it necessary for me to tell you when I've spoken with my attorney.


I entertained the idea of crickets as well....but I think he will just verbally confront me if I don't reply.

AND he walked out into the upstairs hallway as we were finishing our convo and said, "I guess this is why we are leaving each other,". Right out in the hall where the kids could have heard him. Are you kidding me?

He still wants to get a mediator. I pointed out that we can't agree on ANYTHING. How are we supposed to do mediation? Then it went back to, "so you'd rather pay the attorneys to handle it...".

I think I am officially done talking with him about it. Perhaps another option for above could be:

C. My attorney advised me to stop discussing this with you.

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:06 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I can't advise you because I am a failure at crickets and so my instincts can't be trusted, but....man oh man am I glad you aren't mediating!

I honestly think what kills me the most, of everything, is tht thu believe they ever have the right to be resentful! Like, oh, I'm sorry, is this inconvenient or unpleasant for you? Hm I guess that's all my fault! Gee, poor man! What a terrible woman you have to deal with!

Drives me up. the. wall. They act so innocent, like they are the ones being wronged! Gosh of course not emailing about the logistics of D filing is so much worse than wholesale betrayal and lies!!!!!

I am feeling all your annoyance and anger and irritation at his gall. But, I'm also feeling happy that you are putting in motion your new life free of his crap!!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Gajit
Member
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Personally, I'd go with 'B' AND 'C'....then crickets.


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

What an ass. I mean really. It sickens me how these WS screw around and then have the nerve to be all sanctimonious about it. He spent the last however long sneaking around with his own agenda, and then gets snippy with you for not keeping him informed.

We had no attorneys or anything so I can't really advise you on that. I'm sure others with more direct experience will be along to guide you. But just my gut reaction would be your response B. And because I'm irritated on your behalf, I'd probably add something along the lines of, "I'm sorry. I had no idea that honesty, transparency and keeping each other informed were so important to you, considering that we are divorcing because you HAD AN AFFAIR, you ignorant A-hole."

Sorry. I've just returned from dealing with the DMV so I'm extra aggravated. Communications like this really do bother me, though. It's so sickeningly hypocritical, and they don't even see it.

It's obvious that he is done with even the pretense of making nice, even for your kid's sake. All the more reason you need to get him out of there asap. He's been the bully in your house and your life long enough. Time for him to go.

((nekorb))


Keep strong.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 6:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 821 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He sent me an email saying, Nekorb, in the future I would like to be notified after you contact a lawyer especially since I asked you to tell me. I am not sure why I had to ask you.

Consider D: Listen, you fuckwit, I''m giving you just as much notification as you gave me that you were fucking around. Be thankful that you got an honest answer.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

OMG pass, stop it! The laughing coming from behind my bedroom door will arouse suspicion!

ETA: please keep those opinions coming! I like that I'm getting some choices. Man how I wish pass' was a legitimate choice...

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He sent me an email saying, Nekorb, in the future I would like to be notified after you contact a lawyer especially since I asked you to tell me. I am not sure why I had to ask you.


Option E:

In the future, I would like you to quietly go off and fuck yourself. You already know I feel this way, so I'm not sure why I have to ask you.


Gypsybird
*still riding her DMV rage pony*


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 821 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Do not respond!
THis is exactly the kind of drivel that we've been warning you about. HE wants you to notify him when you speak with your lawyer? Really?!

Seriously...don't bother responding. The entire request is laughable.
If you get backlash for not responding, ignore that too. He is no longer in control of your life and it is KILLING him.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6442 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

(Someone please tell me how to quote others in my posts!, PLEEEEASE!)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

pass is so correct

and I would add:

You are NOT the boss of me and cannot tell me what to do, nanner,nanner,nanner!

Sorry, I just hate these sanctimonious asshats!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He's all for 'working together' and 'mediation' as long as he feels like he is in control of the process. If he is in control of the process then he comes out with a better deal than you do.

At this point, Divorce is the breaking up of a business deal and it's just better if you both have your own lawyers that handle this shit.

I know, it sucks that you will both have to pay lawyers to handle shit. And he'll cry, "Why can't we just behave like adults and work this out ourselves?" In the end, you want someone that is looking out for your interests and making sure everything is done properly. It's such a huge relief when you can say, "Please have your lawyer refer that to my lawyer." Yep, you're paying them per hour for that...but to me, it was worth every penny to not have the aggravation of dealing with his lunatic ideas myself. Let his lawyer tell him he's being stupid.

As for what you should respond --
C sounds pretty good to me.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Crickets to this jagoff. Seriously.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7643 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Yeah, what an ass to think he gets to order you around and tell you how this divorce is going to be handled. Fuck that! No more taking shit from this guy! He is NOT the boss of you anymore!!

And for your question about how to quote others, highlight and copy what they said, paste it into your reply, then highlight it again and push the "quote" button that is to the left of the reply box. There is "bold" then "italic" then "quote" and also "image" at the bottom. You will notice it puts the word "quote" in brackets at the beginning and then "/quote" in brackets at the end of the text you are putting in the box.

It explains it better on the first page of The Healing Library, which you can find in the yellow box at the top left of your screen.

He is no longer in control of your life and it is KILLING him.

Yep. Sucks for him. FTG (Fuck That Guy)!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Crickets! If he keeps pushing the issue, then tell him he can communicate through your attorney. Stop the insanity! He is going to keep trying to get these little digs in every chance he can because he knows it gets to you. It stops when you say it stops. You owe him no explanation whatsoever. Don't feed the drama llama!! If he is willing to say those things within hearing of the children, he is no longer interested in keeping it cordial.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Go with Response C.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

F. You lost the right for notification as soon as you put your dick into OW. This is called divorce for a reason. Get used it.

And to quote (or italic or bold), select the text you want to quote and then select the button on the left.

Oh, and consider his announcement in the hallway "notification" to the kids. I really think you need to take them each aside individually and ask them if they have any questions for you. And then answer honestly. Make your home a "No Lie Zone" going forward.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17631 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

This incident should clearly tell you all you need to know. It is telling us, the non-emotionally involved third parties. We can see it. Can you?

He is not interested in dealing honestly with you.
He is only interested in controlling you.
He is threatening you.
He is afraid to spend money on lawyers.
He's afraid you'll get a lawyer because he knows he'll be discovered for the treacherous mook he is.
He is NOT concerned with your kids' emotional well-being.
He is willing to make a dramatic scene and involve the kids in an effort to control you.
He is desperate to control you.

I think you need to get whatever kids were home at the time he had his little mantrum and YOU tell them, right now, about what's happening. Do it without him. I can assure you they already know more than you think. Don't continue to torture them by leaving them to twist in the wind with their lack of information. Protect your kids with the truth. Protect your relationship with them with the truth.

Take back your power, Nekorb.

ETA: More things that I think we all can see and are hoping you see now, too:

He thinks you are stupid.
He thinks he can manipulate you even post-divorce.
He thinks you are an incompetent person.
He thinks he's better than you.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 7:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

My response: feel free to file the appropriate complaint for this heinous behavior and we will respond in court.

Idiot.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29610 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

C. My attorney advised me to stop discussing this with you.

Then go NC!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4775 | Registered: Feb 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Oh, nekorb - please tell me you KNOW that he doesn't have a right to know ANYTHING about your lawyer, when you see him, what you tell him, what your plans are, or what size hammer you're going to use to nail his ass to the wall?!?!

I'm gonna start feeding you scripted lines that you can use as the situation warrants -

1. That is no longer your concern.
2. I'm sorry you feel that way.
3. I'm not going to discuss that with you.
4. That's none of your business.


With each sentence, you are giving him the consistent message that he is NOT in control.

New world order, baby. Deal with it.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

You guys are right. I know it. Somewhere deep inside I know it even though I don't want it to be that way. I want him to be the good man that I married all those years ago, that I had children with, that has been my best friend, that I thought was committed to me and our marriage...

I've decided to go crickets and if he confronts me about it verbally or otherwise, I will go with C.

In the meantime, I think we should continue the rest of the list as you all have already started to do. OMG you guys are funny.

Let's see...option F anyone??

(P.s. Thanks for telling me how to quote!)


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Seriously, if you feel you ever have to respond to him, it should be "I''m sorry you feel that way", then walk away. Stop playing into the drama. Do you really think your kids don''t know something is going on? Just stop.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20154 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Once I realized that the x was not in charge and I was not intimidated by his demands I felt such a sense of freedom! Every time he would play the authoritarian " You had better not blah blah blah" I would say Kiss My Ass and hang up the phone.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Mar 2004
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

G. Master the art of a raised eyebrow, followed by a brief look of you-are-such-a-fucking-idiot. Then walk away. It would *KILL* him.


Posts: 1257 | Registered: Aug 2010
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I like your plan for crickets unless he confronts you.

I also agree with NIK that these statements need to become standard parts of your interactions as appropriate:

1. That is no longer your concern.
2. I'm sorry you feel that way.
3. I'm not going to discuss that with you.
4. That's none of your business.

There is absolutely something empowering about using them. Keep it up lady!!!


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
MinorBee
Member
Member # 17895
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Crickets to this jagoff. Seriously.

Crickets...yes...crickets...

Did I mention CRICKETS? Yes, crickets.


previously married for 20 years
DDays: which time?, OW's which one?

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2008
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

You know laughter could be considered a civil response.
Laughter and then crickets! After all he did make a funny!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I think maximum satisfaction would come from ignoring him and then when he does confront you saying something like "I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you don't have control over me. You have no right to know who I contact when or what we talk about. As of now you are on a need to know basis and when you need to know, I'll make sure you're served. Top of the mornin to you."

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 10:45 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

What are we up to, H?

Option H: "I'm sorry, that's covered by Attorney-Client Privilege. You have no right to that information."


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

How about you get a lock put on your bedroom door, move his stuff into the spare room,stop doing any chores or cooking for him,get a var, tell the children what is going on and then send him an email saying:

The Idiot,

Due to our currently separated status, please do not contact me in person or in writing to discuss anything other than finances or the children. I have moved your clothes and personal items to the spare room and I will have sole residency in the master bedroom. I will no longer be doing any chores, cooking etc on your behalf. I have no obligation to discuss my confidential legal matters with you and any further attempt to get me to disclose this information or to discuss matters not related to finances or the children will be considered to be harassment. Please also note that I may be recording any conversations between us.

Nekorb

And then crickets/"I''m sorry you feel that way"


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 985 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I didn't read replies, but if you're at the point of having attorneys, I assumed you've filed.

You owe him nothing. I know it's easy to want to share and go through this together because it's natural as the couple you were - but at this point - it's business. You are dissolving a business. You don't need to be mean, but you also don't owe him explanations or updates.

I tried to remind myself - remember when XH was out and about cheating on you, NOT giving you explanations or updates or return calls or texts?! He's earned the same.

Ignore his ass.



Posts: 14350 | Registered: Jun 2008
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Being Australian I vote

I. Fuck off

But then it can be argued that we can, at times, be blunt to the point of lacking klass.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 3:13 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I'll play!

I. I think you should ask *insert OP or relevant slut's name* her opinion".


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

You all are seriously funny.

I'm enjoying reading your proposed responses.

I took a baby step.

WH had also texted me saying our communication problems are why we need to separate. That we can't even agree on the separation agreement, how are we supposed to deal with the huge issues between us in our marriage.

If the text had stopped there I would have replied with something about working in ourselves in IC, rebuilding the marriage with healthy boundaries, etc, but would have reminded him that he doesn't want to work on the marriage.

However, the text didn't stop there. The last line read,"don't worry though, you will be the good guy in this separation.


Originally, and on impulse, I responded,"that's because I'm not the one who lied and cheated. But I deleted it and have opted for crickets.

Good? Yes? Am I learning?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

And this morning I woke up to an email stating he is assuming my inheritance will be split between us since it is income.

I've contacted my attorney.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

he is assuming my inheritance will be split between us since it is income.

Definitely check with your attorney as every state is different, but in my state it is only included as a marital asset if it was used for the benefit of the marriage in some way. If it was tucked away in your own account somewhere and never used for the benefit of your marriage it would not be included in the settlement.

This was an issue in my D. XPOS's inheritance was used for down payment on marital home, so it was a marital asset (he tried to claim it was owed back to him until I educated him), but some very valuable antiques that I inherited that sat in a cabinet were excluded and remain wholly mine.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Great job on the crickets! I know how tempting it is to set him straight, but you start to realize that he knows he's wrong, he just doesn't care. And he thinks maybe if he says it enough times, it will turn into the truth

And that's one of the reasons crickets is best. You can't keep arguing with crazy. Let him think and say whatever he wants. You just keep moving forward, listen to your lawyer, and enforce your new boundaries (like NC except kids and finances).


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2239 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

K. Okay, noted. I'll tell you the next time my L and I take another step toward nailing your ass to the wall.


And yes, you're learning! Can't believe he's threatening over your inheritance. My parents are still with us (thankfully for me!) but if the money they leave to me after they go were EVER used against me in this way I cannot describe how insulted I would be. What a disgrace to the memory of someone who cared about you and wanted to provide for you, to have their bequest twisted into a shitty power play!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Nekorb, well done on the crickets

[This message edited by Softcentre at 8:56 AM, February 20th, 2014 (Thursday)]


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 985 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Thanks.

L. I'll forward your demand to my L for his consideration.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

You have to keep telling yourself that he is no longer your friend, no longer your lover, no longer your confidant/best friend.

He is the enemy.

You would never give an enemy ammunition to use against you. That's what he's trying to do. He's trying to regain his control over you, your thoughts, your decisions and your life.

He's absolutely furious that you've somehow found your backbone.

Keep telling yourself "He is the enemy now". It will get easier.

And definitely speak to your lawyer about your inheritance.

[This message edited by itainteasy at 9:34 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

remember this is about control.

information is the only way he can maintain control.

the less info he has the less control he has.

crickets are always a good response. you can expect some form of retaliation. usually this seems to be 1) financial or 2) parading OW in front of you.

protect yourself financially...make sure you have a slush fund in case he stops paying bills or limits access to marital funds.

if its the OW. ignore ignore ignore ignore. don't react. it will drive him nuts.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wow, you are dealing with a first class prick!! That right there was a threat. He wants control over you and wants you to know that if you don't cooperate with HIS wishes, he will punish you. That's a pretty big pair of balls after he's run around on you with another woman! I hope you find one ferocious lawyer and nail his arrogant ass to the wall.

Oh and totally agree with itainteasy - he is the enemy now. I wouldn't communicate a single word to him unless it was about kids or finances and even then I'd have the least emotional answer possible - "I'll talk to my lawyer and let you know" for instance.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

To help me with the crickets, I would count how many emails or texts he sent before I felt there was one meriting a response. My aim was to reach double digits each time, so I only responded when absolutely neccesary. And I hoped each one, as it piled up, drove him crazy.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 458 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Harriet, that''s brilliant!


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 985 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I'm really feeling the urge to at least respond to "I assume you haven't opened your own bank account to put money in.".

He has asked me this before and I've answered him (no!).

I would like to say :

You've already asked me about a separate bank account and I've answered you. If you don't believe me you are just as able as I am to look through the bank register and see where every penny has gone.

Thoughts?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)

No, don't answer. Don't answer at all. Do not invite him to look at your bank records. He's not an idiot, he already knows what he can/cannot do or see.

None of this is his concern. I assume you are not a drooling idiot confined to a padded cell. I assume you are capable of making adult decisions, that you do not need a conservator to manage your life or dealings. It doesn't sound like he has the same assumptions about you. It sounds like he does think you're an idiot who is incapable of living.

Honestly, that's a better negotiating position for you than you realize. Let him have his delusions. Do not take them away from him.

Be strategic.

And be skeptical of his communication to you. I think him asking you to confirm if you have your own bank account is actually an insult disguised as concern.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Nope. Unnecessary communication. Don't do it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I'm really feeling the urge to at least respond to "I assume you haven't opened your own bank account to put money in.".

He has asked me this before and I've answered him (no!).

I would like to say :

You've already asked me about a separate bank account and I've answered you. If you don't believe me you are just as able as I am to look through the bank register and see where every penny has gone.

Stop answering to him. You don't owe him answers and he puts YOU on the defensive. He is the one doing all the damage so just let this stuff flow over and around you.

He is capable of reading a bank statement. He can find his answers himself. Stay strong and resist the temptation to respond to his every question.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2965 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Stop. Talking. To. Him.
Period.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6442 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Ok. It just feels rude. Is it rude?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 21st (Friday)

No, it's not rude to limit communication with the person who betrayed you and from whom you are now getting a divorce. It feels rude to you because you do not have sufficient practice in being self-protective and strategic.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
KatyaCA
Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Marriage is a relationship, divorce is business. In business against an opponent out to destroy and control you, you do not tip your hand or give them any information that is not necessary or required.

Not responding to him is protecting yourself. Protecting yourself against an enemy is not rude, it is prudent survival.

He fishes, cajoles, insults and derides you in order to gain control and thus the upper hand. DO NOT GIVE IT TO HIM ANYMORE! Now is the time to hold all your cards close to the vest and give him NO information that is not required. The banking request? That will come through discovery with your attorneys. His demand to know if you've contacted an attorney is nothing but an attempt at control. Realizing he does not have control results in a childish bullying tantrum and you have to stop reacting to him.

Me? When he went up the stairs with his "this is why we are divorcing because we can't communicate comment.." I would have said to him "No, we're divorcing because you cheated and betrayed me and our family. I'm not communicating with you because you've lost the right to know anything about my life until legally required to know. If you want information, you can speak to my attorney."

You've received a lot of good advice here. He is not your lover, husband or friend anymore. He is the enemy (particularly due to his actions and behaviors) and you need to treat him as such.

That whole saying of keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Yeah, not so much. Remember, Caeser's enemy he kept close killed him.


Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
thenon-goddess
Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 21st (Friday)

OMG - seriously?! Is it rude? This man screwed around you, lied to you, threatens an inheritance of yours, wants to control you, ETC!!! Why do you care if it is rude?? (It isn't, btw). Again, he is the enemy. This man is not your friend. You owe him nothing. Stop communicating and start 180ing.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2011
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 21st (Friday)

He is asking to know things that he will get to know...eventually. He doesn''t want to wait. He wants to make HIS plans. Plans which will benefit him to your detriment. None of this is about you, just like the A, this is all about him. Every time you talk to him, you help him and you hurt yourself. All his actions scream that he doesn''t care about you at all. Nothing you can do to ''help'' him is going to change that. I know you want it to, but it won''t it just feeds his belief that he can disrespect and manipulate you and that you will just do what he wants. Stop playing his game. Start your own game with your rules. First ones being:

- if it''s not a question, then it doesn''t need an answer.
- if he can get the information elsewhere, then don''t give him the information yourself.
- just because he DOES ask a question doesn''t mean he''s entitled to an answer.
- unless it''s a genuine life and death emergency, do not reply in less than 2 hours, preferably the next day.
- if in doubt, crickets,then come on SI to check.

He needs to know you''re not at his beck and call. And these new rules will really annoy him


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 985 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I hereby give permission to nekorb to be rude to her jerk STBXWH.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
KatyaCA
Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I'd like to add

NO is a complete sentence.

No response is a response. It tells him he's not worth replying to.


Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I feel like such an idiot that you all have to keep saying these things to me.

I guess I'm just having a hard time internalizing who my WH has become vs the man I knew.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 21st (Friday)

You're not an idiot, honey. I struggled with this stuff, too. Almost every one of us did.

You know what part of the problem is? We're nice. Nice people answer questions when they are asked. Nice people don't say no. Nice people don't tell other people that they're overstepping. Nice people don't tell others to mind their own business.

The problem with being nice in divorce is that the other side? Isn't on your side anymore. Not your partner. Not your spouse. Not your friend. And certainly not looking out for anyone other than himself.

You have permission to stop being nice, honey. Stand up. Be assertive. Set your boundaries and defend them.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25316 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 21st (Friday)

^^^^Every.single.darn.thing.that NIK said. Perfectly written and expressed!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 21st (Friday)

All of us struggle with this. If we didn't we wouldn't need a S/D forum and probably wouldn't need SI. We all get stuck trying to figure out what happened to our WS. We all struggle to learn this new behavior. This is now a business transaction.

If you're worried about being judged as rude...I'm pretty sure miss manners would feel it was rude of him to put his dick into OW. just sayin...


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 21st (Friday)

(((nekorb)))
Just a fellow nice spineless BS who is trying to build up the courage to go NC, following your thread. Haven''t gotten past the rude factor either although the Snake has no problem giving my mom the silent treatment starting while we were in R for a perceived affront and rudely screwed multiple OWs. Guess I just don''t wanna sink to his level either

I have heard it''s better to tell the kids about S/D together, but I agree it should be done ASAP with how he''s acting and going NC


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 21st (Friday)

You're worried about being rude, but his questions are beyond rude. If someone walks up to you on the street and asks how much you weigh, do you feel rude not answering them?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Ohmygosh, yes! It's the curse of being nice!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Um... as you know, Nekorb, lots of aspects of your situation remind me of me 5 years ago. And one of the things I regret not doing then was... OPENING MY OWN BANK ACCOUNT!!!! X


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Thanks everyone. The spine needed some polishing.

I agree it is the curse of being nice. My therapist has said that more than once. I get hurt because I'm nice and I trust people. Isn't that how the world is *supposed* to work? People don't treat each other like crap?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Having boundaries and expecting people to treat you with respect is not the same as treating people like crap.

If someone treats you like shit, you're not supposed to let them. Stop letting him.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

If you're worried about being judged as rude...I'm pretty sure miss manners would feel it was rude of him to put his dick into OW. just sayin...

My thoughts exactly. I remember in the beginning where I got a nasty email listing my faults, the initiator was me opening his mail (it was mailed to my house and I've been opening mail for us both for 15 yrs at that point). I was told it was "bad form" in his most condensing asshat way. I replied "Wow, who knew. Is it is bad form to stick your dick into a woman not married to you?" Never got an answer.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Stop communicating with this controlling bastard.

Seriously, you will not start healing until you do.

You owe him NO accountability for your actions.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8683 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Former nice BS here. Just wanting to weigh in with a vote for NC.

The obnoxious threat about your inheritance was just him upping the anty to try to get your attention and some/any response from you....reeks of desperation.

Believe it or not, eventually their tactics become transparent and almost humorous. Still irritating, but humorous nonetheless.

You'll be pleasantly surprised how nice a well fitting pair of bitch boots feel.

Ps- loving the humour guys...rocking it!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 729 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

*****Having boundaries and expecting people to treat you with respect is not the same as treating people like crap.
If someone treats you like shit, you're not supposed to let them. Stop letting him
*****
Write this on little stickies and put them EVERYWHERE. Repeat this over and over until it *sticks*.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
GingerAle
Member
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

No, don't answer. Don't answer at all. Do not invite him to look at your bank records. He's not an idiot, he already knows what he can/cannot do or see.


He is doing anything he can to get any sort of response from you. My STBXWH does the same thing. He wants absolutely any bit of attention he can get from me, no matter how negative or insignificant it might be.

Your STBXWH thought for sure threatening your inheritance would make you engage with him, and you would be so scared about it you would "fall in line". Don't! Keep reminding yourself that he doesn't make the laws or enforce them. He is not the judge. He has no authority over you. The other night, I wouldn't respond to my WH's threats about dragging me through the mud in court ( ), so after about 5 minutes of it he got up and said he was going to go wipe my computer clean of everything I have on there. It put a huge knot in my stomach and took a lot not to chase after him and plead with him not to. Thankfully when I checked in the morning, I saw that he wasn't able to because I made myself the admin on that computer recently so he couldn't make that type of change.

You and I are at a similar stage nekorb. And our WH's act so very much alike. The are horrible and cruel, and we have to view them as the enemy and treat them accordingly. I'm a SAHM, too. I understand how hard this is. Try to keep your focus on you and your kids and the happy future in store for all of you . ((((nekorb))))


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014


Posts: 410 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 72