User Topic: how to divorce her...
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I know I want to divorce her but our situation is complicated.... She has no job, her mother (also has no job) lives with us, her nephew who is 4 lives with us... We were going to adopt him but I just can't... None of them have other family to go to and the house is in my name alone and bought before marriage. So if I divorce her they all have nowhere to go.

Background- almost 3 years ago my wife had an affair with one of MY best friends and he was MY coworker... She got pregnant and wasn't sure who the father was... My daughter IS mine.... I'm sure with no doubt of that. My wife tries hard to be a good wife now, atleast most the time. But I don't think I can forgive and just want out... What do I do? How do we live together during the divorce period? Just got income tax back witch is over $8k.

Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Sorry brother. But it sounds like you know the answer to your question. If you cannot get past it then you have to divorce. That is my opinion. You did not create this and you are in no way to blame for the outcome. Fwiw I would divorce. All the best.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

You make an appointment with a lawyer and find out exactly what your WW is entitled to via an asset split, child and/or spousal support, etc. You then have papers drawn up in which you reference the above, you ask for physical custody of your DD, you ask for sole use of your house, and you have her served. You cancel your joint credit cards, close your joint accounts, you put your money into your new independent account, she does the same with a bank account that she starts. And then she has x-amount of days to leave your house and the money to do so.

When you divorce someone, you are separating yourself from their life. You are no longer a part of it except for where your DD intersects both of your lives. That''s the simple truth and that''s the simple way that you need to look at it. Right off the bat, with $8k in taxes back, 1/2 of that will rent a two bedroom apartment for quite some time she and her mother can bunk in together.

You did not create this situation. You are not responsible for this situation. She and her mother are adults and adults need to take care of themselves. Rinse, lather, repeat. Hard as it may seem, that is the way that it is.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I read your profile and yeah, it sounds like it's been a blast dealing with this.

You should talk to a lawyer and find out what to expect. If you are sure you want out of your marriage, you need to start preparing for it.

Infidelity was a deal-breaker for me as well, and as painful as this process is, I wouldn't be able to get over it either, and you've been through enough. This is a situation you didn't create, and it sucks.

Start planning first. Speak with a lawyer.

caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Ditto Skan.
Word for word.

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6525 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Skan said it best. Listen to him. Know your state's laws. Somehow my WH managed to serve me first and didn't leave temporary orders. In my state, that has me living in limbo right now until things get sorted through the courts. Your heart is telling you what to do, take the advice and get prepared for what you need to do.

"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your replies. This is hard for me. 7 years together and she's trying but I just can't do it anymore. I'm emotionally wrecked. I'll probably start calling lawyers Monday... Thanks for the advice on looking at it differently

Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

You'll get through this. Worry about yourself.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

They will figure out a place to live. It's not your problem. Focus on you.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think it's very commendable that through it all you recognize that if you divorce her they will have no where to go. You're a good person, and that's why this decision is so hard. But you have to do what is right for you. Remind yourself that she didn't value the fact that you take care of all of them enough to stay faithful.

Maybe you can take a proactive approach. Do some research about housing subsidies, food stamps, child care costs for the nephew and other programs that might help them get on their feet independently. Her mother is probably eligible for certain programs as well and with those pooled resources they would make it on their own. She's not going to attempt to get a job as long as you are taking care of her, her mother and her nephew. She's kind of passively calling the shots by keeping the status quo. If nothing else, if you can show her some real options it will take away any sense of guilt you might feel for putting them out.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Member # 38890
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Thanks for your kind words... I wanted to tell her last night but ended up having to take her mother to the hospital for chest pains...thought that would be pretty crappy...

How do I tell her that even though she is trying and doing most of what she can that I still can't get over it and want out? I feel terrible for wanting to break it off when she offered to go back to marriage counseling just the other night. ... Why do I have so much guilt?

Infidelity really IS the gift that keeps on giving...

Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: thecollector
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Why do I have so much guilt?

Because you took your vows seriously, and want to love her unconditionally. Unfortunately, she didn't hold up her end.

Time for you to find someone who will. Don't let your morals and character be wasted on someone who does not value them.

My two cents worth.

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I'm so sorry you are here! I too found what my STBX did unforgiveable. I also agree with Skan and Charity, both gave you some good advice.

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Topic Posts: 13