User Topic: Should I contact this BH?
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I know of a guy who is a BH. I don't believe that he knows it. I worked with his wife, and she had an affair with a coworker of ours. It ended last year, December/January 2013, but the WW made contact with OM at least twice more after that. I don't know the BH well, met him maybe twice but I have his work address, and I think I'm going to anonymously make (one way) contact. I'm thinking the information I should include:

OM name
OM phone number/address
Phone Number of the person who his WW had watch their daughter while she was fucking around.
What I know of the's not hearsay.
Who else knew.
URL for this site.

My gut tells me to send it. My brain worries about the blowback. Also, if he does already know, I'd hate to be the person to re-hash his pain...I know I should just do the right thing and let go of the outcome. If it were me, I would want to know.


[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:45 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think you should tell him but perhaps consider leaving out the OM's surname and address. The media often reports cases of violence when a spouse discovers an affair, and while its likely that the BH will eventually discover this info, allowing him a "cooling off period" will hopefully enable him to deal with the immediate shock before confrontation.

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

You already know my vote. Let me ask you this. What would you counsel your son to do if he were in the same circumstance?

I know I should just do the right thing and let go of the outcome. If it were me, I would want to know.

Will you set the example?

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

If you are 100% certain then I would tell the BH.
I learned that my cousin's H was cheating and offered to tell her. It is the right thing to do.

I wish someone would have informed me of my WHs infidelity.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Speaking as a BS that found out AFTER D-Day that some of the people in my circle KNEW about his cheating ways I would want to know. Having the information and it being irrefutable, that's all to the good.

Send him the info. As far as providing the surname of the OM, I think I would. He's part of the problem.

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wrote the letter. Haven't sent it yet. Here's a draft:

I don’t have the slightest clue how to begin this letter, so I’ll just say it:
A year or so ago, while your wife [WW] was working at [Workplace] in [City], she had an affair with a co-worker of hers, [OM]. The “relationship” was definitely of a sexual nature. This is not hearsay, or rumor, or innuendo; this is something heard directly from [OM]’s mouth.

I have heard other things about the “relationship”, but those were not from [OM] himself and so I cannot say for sure whether they were true or not. The facts, as heard from [OM] himself:
• He and [WW] had a sexual relationship. She told him on at least one occasion that they were “soul mates.”
• [WW] had [Babysitter] babysit your daughter so that she could spend time with [OM]. When [Babysitter] discovered that your wife was not working at her new job (the one after [Workplace]) all the times that she said she was, [Babysitter] decided that she didn’t want to be a part of the nonsense and told your wife she would no longer watch your daughter.
• They had some sort of falling out on your wife’s last day at [Workplace]. This was observed and talked about by their coworkers.
• At least twice after this (according to [OM]), your wife sent him a letter (I don’t know if he meant email or normal, he wasn’t completely clear). The first letter told [OM] that “he had ruined her life.” The second, sometime later (on her birthday, I believe he told me), she stated how much she missed him and that they were “soul mates”.

Those are the only “facts” that I can speak to. Anything else I might add would just be conjecture and speculation from rumors and whispers.

If you already know this information, either in full or in part, then I want to wholeheartedly apologize for bringing this all back up and rehashing the pain.
If you didn’t already know this, or perhaps have a partial story, then I would still like to apologize. No man should have to go through this, and no one should have to find out like this.

It’s probably not even my right to say anything to you, but I put myself in your shoes: if I were you, I would rather know than not know, no matter the source.

I’m so very sorry.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I definitly think you should tell him!

However, I agree with NOLIGHT. You shouldn't include the OM address and last name. Who knows what he will do once he knows. The last thing you would want is for the BH to go shoot the OM in his driveway, or something crazy like that!

But yeah...I think we would all want to know, and he has a right to know.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think it might ease his embarrassment if you lightly mentioned that you are a BS, too, and maybe add that you are writing because you wish someone had told you.

eta: He's probably going to obsess over "who" sent this letter. I know I would. My dday was known by my entire circle, personal and professional, so I know how awful it is to wonder who knows what.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 6:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6131 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I like it. Send it.

My only concern is that the wife will gaslight and he won't believe her. I would maybe suggest that before he confront his wife, he do some detective work on is own. That from personal experience, you know the pain, and know the likelihood of lies upon confrontation.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

You got my vote on telling the man. He has a right to the truth and to make an informed decision on his future. Good going man.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Definitely yes send it. No OM address for sure. And I have mentioned this site to those I know had gone through this experience we all share.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Letter sent. I didn't include OM address (he just moved, so I don't know it now anyway.) I did include OM phone number, but stated that "I don't know if you'll want to talk to him, or if he'll even tell you the truth."

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Good work, FP. I hope this works out.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Good for you!

In the future, I would never, ever let someone practice deception on their partner. I've never been in that situation before but knowing that some of my exWBF's friends knew...

I will NOT allow anyone to get away with that kind of shit if I'm placed in that situation. I have thought about this a lot since DDay actually! Picturing what I would tell the cheater about how they need to tell the truth or I will. It has been a weirdly satisfying fantasy.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I contacted a BW after learning that one of my lifelong friends was an OW. I gave her a chance to come clean and she refused.

It's not for the faint of heart - and it's total triggertown.

It IS the right thing to do. Good for you for being considerate about this. He deserves to know. If he already knows, and this triggers him, giving him the URL for this website is still the gift of company and coping tools.

I'm interested to hear his response, if you feel like sharing when he does.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, February 21st (Friday)

OMs BH found out about the affair about 2 years before I did. She opted to NOT tell me.

The LTA went underground and went on another 2 years.

I called her about 6 months after my Dday and told her what I knew.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 16