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Reconciliation
User Topic: Updated
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Since wh decided to update the number of times, debth of relationship and locations where he engaged in sex and dined and frolicked with his lover, it had changed the entire game

"I love u, not her". Um, if that was true u wouldn't have looked me in the eyes and lied for 2.5 yrs. You also wouldn't have missed loads of work to frolick in public w
Your lover. Nor would u tell ur lover that u loved her

"I told her I loved her so she would love me. I wanted to feel loved". Little did he know, he was loved. and he was loved for the person he was before the A. He will never be loved by me after the A. And now the A has ended, she had moved on. Been on two lovely vacas, been seen trying to pick up other men, and enjoying her married life also.

"My family means everything to me". If it did, u wouldn't have created a relationship w your sons friends mom. You wouldn't have lied to ur wife and ur children. U would have been the man that puts family first always

"Now that I told u the truth, I lost my chance to R". No, now that the full info was provided, I can act based on the entirety of the info instead of the false R you allowed to occur based on more lies and ommittance of facts. Telling the details wasn't damaging, partaking in the acts u did Was the damage

I'm less emotional this time, as my heart has hardened towards him. It's time for me to look at what this limbo land is doing to my kids and make a move. Time to tap some resources, hit plan B and start praying for strength.

I really can no longer look at this man but anythig else than the scum he became.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
Crushed15Feb13
Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I know firsthand how damaging TT is. It's like DDay all over again. I'm sorry for your pain.

Gently, has the game really entirely changed? The new details are painful for sure, but so were the original details.
There is a lot at stake, perhaps you can take some time to think and gain some quiet perspective?

He may feel like now, finally, even though he did the right thing and told you everything, now his worst fear will come true- he'll lose you over the details that were so bad he felt the need to hide them. That was my WWs thinking.

((HMH))

[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 9:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 239 | Registered: Mar 2013
KatyDo
Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

This sounds like a place of power for you HMH. I would go with your instincts. It was not his telling you that has jeopardized R but what he did. Make sure he knows that.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 190 | Registered: Nov 2013
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

The irony is that he was still a man with zero integrity until he owned up to the depth of the EA between them and the sordidness of the sexual details. Up until this point, he hasn't been worth the risk of R. He had already committed these acts but wasn't man enough to own them. He wasn't committed enough to your healing to tell you the truth. He still held onto the secrets he shared with OW and kept you as the outsider.

But in telling you this, he has finally broken that bond with the OW and has started to have some integrity again. If I am correct, you found out about another place they had sex, but the meals out, the birthday treat and the classroom sex were things that you still didn't know - so he actually offered them up to you. He even told you that he told her he loved her. Hurtmyhusband, even though you caught him in trickle truth, the fact is, it seems he has owned more than you caught.

No, it doesn't change the sordidness of it, or that he chose to lie to your face for over two years - but to me, it is the first sign that he's put you first. The first sign of a 'break' in his loyalty to the affair.

Because of that, if I were you I wouldn't rush the decision. It is true that now is the first time that you can make a choice based on the true facts, but you also may be less emotional because you are still in shock - and that's no time to make a decision this big either. It may be worth waiting, just for a bit, to watch his actions from here. See if he can carry on owning it, still carry on answering any questions you have, carry on in IC and see if he can start to earn even just a little of your respect back, because I think he really is only just beginning to emerge from the fog. Up until this point he still had loyalty to the affair - now, in telling you the truth he has finally put his loyalty with you.

Of course, it may just be a deal-breaker now you know the depth of it all and that is absolutely your choice to make. He made his choice to have an affair and ended the marriage 2 years ago - what happens from here on out is your choice - but I do think you may be less emotional because you are still in shock, and he's only just become a man who is even worth thinking about R'ing with.

ETA. I don't think he's all the way there yet in owning it all either because I think he's still minimising the EA aspect - but he has started to own it hmh - and with continued IC he may get all the way there. Sometimes 'time' is a dirty word but it does seem to take some waywards time to de-fog, and this is only two months out from a two year affair. They say 2-5 years to R so this is still really early days for the both of you....and of course the clock has just been set back to zero with the trickle truth.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 8:08 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1870 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wow sins, thank you for that reply. I think you really hit the nail on the head. I'm in a similar situation as HatemyHusband (HMH). Lots of TT, new sordid details pointing to an even deeper EA (hurts even more than the sex), H just coming out of the fog.

I think it's true, the fact that your H owned up to these truths, knowing that it could very well destroy any chance of R, is the FIRST step toward R and aligning with you. It's the height of irony that it has to nearly destroy you to get to that point.

Damn, it hurts like hell HMH. And yes you are likely in shock. I feel like I'm starting to emerge a bit from it, and now I'm in the thick of a low simmering anger, which is almost scarier than the up and down of naked rage and hungry need for H to soothe me. Like you, I'm definitely feeling a lot of "what's the point?" and "why should I even try?" That's protecting ourselves from fear of what's coming next. What new details are going to emerge that will blow up everything AGAIN?

I guess it's a sort of paralysis. But it's ok to stay put in this paralysis for a time (who knows how long?). We don't have to or SHOULD NOT make any decisions now. Just observe H's actions. Maybe time apart is what you need (not sure if you're separated)?

With time you may find you are unable to R with him, even if he is truly remorseful. That's OK. I'm still figuring that out myself. I feel your pain and want you to know that I understand a lot of what you're going through. It's maddening and honestly I'm sick to death of thinking about it. But it's not going away--we have to deal with this whether we like it or not, with or without R.

Know that you are WORTHY and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wow. I agree, SINS, that's a different way to look at it.

I need to step back and just "be" for a bit. I'm going to do just that for now, waiting on decision making.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 6