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User Topic: Tmi - Don't want to offend, but need help with this
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Hi, For three years now, I have kept something my WH did to myself and have not told anyone. It still hurts me that my husband would do something like this to me, but he did.

I don't want to get really graphic, but husband MB into something I ate without my knowledge. I don't know if it was one time or frequently. I don't want to know, knowing he did it once is more than enough for me. He can't give me a reason why, except that maybe he was mad at me. He can't tell me when it was (before the affair started or after), but based on other things he's said about the incident, I think it was probably before the affair. (Or at least before the time HE said it started - his GF said it was a lot longer)

Things like this scare me for our future. How could he have been so mad at me to have done something like this and then later tell me about it as if it's no big deal? I feel so violated. WH was into porn. Does viewing porn desensitize people and they begin to think that porn sex is the norm? If he was that mad at me, how could he have been acting as if nothing was wrong? He is not getting any professional help, but has seemed to stopped the porn. He has stopped other addictions cold turkey, so I know he is capable of it. The man he is showing himself to me now is very loving, caring, and remorseful, but until the affair started, I never knew that he treated me badly before. It's scary to think that not only did he feel justified in cheating, but he treated me like garbage behind my back while pretending like nothing was wrong.

I'm sorry if this is really disgusting, but I've kept this to myself for so long and am just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar and were they able to get through it. And if so, how they did it.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I don't want to get really graphic, but husband MB into something I ate without my knowledge.
What is MB? Is it something like Viagra for women? Or is it some kind of poison? Whatever it is sohurtbyhim, it actually frightens me that he could put anything into your food without your knowledge. How can you ever be sure he won't do it again?!!

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

This sounds very juvenile. I'd perhaps (but it's still extremely off!) expect it of some high school restaurant worker who was angry or something.
Hopefully he will be seeing an IC about this. But I've never heard about it in the sense you talk about. Maybe no one has admitted it?
It does sound like he was degrading you to inflate himself. Certainly very disrespectful. And it would be confusing to see the man you are seeing now versus the man you now know he was behind your back.
ETA: I'm assuming you mean masturbated .

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 10:40 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
fooledbyapilot
Member
Member # 26349
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think MB means masturbate. This is completely disgusting. I am not sure how porn would tie into this.

I think it is about control and anger.


ME(BS):47 HIM (WS):50
WS Married 21 yrs together 33
dd#1- nov 16, 2009
DD#2-went out NYE 2009-found out Feb 2012
DD#2-Feb 5, 2010-date they had(found out Feb 2012)
dd#3 - June 16, 2010-broke NC
dd#4-Dec 31, 2010-broke contact
DD#5-Feb 21, 201

Posts: 186 | Registered: Nov 2009
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

MB is abbreviation of masturbate.

I'm not sure what my reaction is - on one level I'm completely grossed out that he would do that .. on another level (and this is a little esoteric - so bear with me) the essence of the man was gifted to you (some cultures esteem the 'essence of life' so highly that MB on the ground is punishable by death) ... so WH was NO .. SORRY I can't even continue .. he's messed up!

Get YOU into counseling, if he's unwilling at least get you on the right road.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I know...it is so disgusting. How could the man that I lived with for 30 years be so different than the way he portrayed himself to be....not just to me, but to his family, our friends and neighbors, etc. I don't know how he portrayed himself at work because he worked out of town and we didn't really socialize with his co-workers (or so he said, obviously he was more "social" than I thought), but I guess at work he was a different person.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I don't.know what that was,all about but I find it very disturbing. I'm sure someone out there may be able to figure it out, maybe IC? I would find it very difficult to have a shred of trust with him now..just violating and disgusting.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think it is about control and anger.

Yeah this.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I know, Ostrich, right?

I just thought, why would he even tell me he did this. When he told me months later that he did this, it wasn't in a fit of anger or anything. He simply stated matter of factly and he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom and told her it was the best I had ever tasted. Must of made him feel real good knowing what he did.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

That tells me he has some major unresolved anger. You may not be the origin of that anger, but you were the recipient of a major degradation. I am afraid this is more than him being able to turn off his addictions and become a loving husband. Your H has some major messed up head issues and he needs to get them worked out with somebody.

I think most of us have heard just about everything, so do not be embarrassed. That took real courage to admit. You have nothing to feel bad about. You have been a victim in real abuse and it is not your fault. Please do not confuse his kindnesses now for real change. Whether he did it once or a dozen times, he is in need of professional help, no matter what the trigger. Even if you separate out the slime factor, he did something cruel, sneaky, and dangerous to punish you for some perceived slight to him.

Why did he confess?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1458 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I can see it being out of anger, but I don't understand the control part. Can you please explain how you mean, "control"?


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

(((((sohurtbyhim))))) I'm so sorry, honey. It's upsetting just to read about, so I can't even begin to imagine how disturbing it must be for you.

I think it is about control and anger.
This was my first thought, too. Especially about control.

It's scary to think that not only did he feel justified in cheating, but he treated me like garbage behind my back while pretending like nothing was wrong.
I don't know that I could feel safe with someone who acted in that way. In my mind, he assaulted you. It's no different than drugging or poisoning someone. Very scary.

How did he present this information to you? What was his demeanor when he was talking about it?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

then later tell me about it as if it's no big deal?

He told you about it, but not in a way that indicated guilt? As in he just wanted you to know? And meh, it's not that big of a deal.

Aside from the Act itself, that's the really jacked up part. I sounds like he was getting off on the act of degradation. In order for you to be fully degraded by the act, you would have to be made aware of it, at time of his choosing.

((sohurtbyhim))

I lived next door to a guy who got off on getting his xwife (who he was pretending to reconcile with) to wear his AP's used lingerie, that she would leave behind at his apt. How do I know of this. He eagerly told our landlord who then repeated the story to me. I had to inform her that she had just been drawn into his sick game. He was getting off not only on the act, but by bringing her into the story to get her reactions.

I think this is beyond serious.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Cross posted with you.
He simply stated matter of factly and he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom and told her it was the best I had ever tasted. Must of made him feel real good knowing what he did.
I don't even know what to say to this. I'm just beside myself on your behalf.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

he even thought it was funny

That just . . . the fact that he thought it was funny says to me he has no remorse for doing it. That is so blatantly disrespectful.

Control - because he did this without your knowledge or consent. You had no say as to whether or not you consumed this - substance - but he did and he presumably watched you do it. Honestly it kind of reminds me of an affair situation - he has this secret and you don't - he has the knowledge/power over this thing and you don't get to be a party to it.

I would be so furious. I'm sorry. That's just so disgusting and disrespectful. It's one thing if swallowing that is a part of a consensual sex act and it's your choice. To put it in your food is just degrading.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wow, what a sick fuck.

What if he decides to ramp up the amusement factor and put some shit in your food? That could actually kill you.

Three DDays and now this?

Sorry, I'd be out the door and to the lawyer's office in a heartbeat. Too. Creepy.


[This message edited by FaithFool at 11:14 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Yeah, that is beyond fucked up. I gagged in the car while reading it. I'm really sorry. It's definitely some sort of power/control thing. That's just not something people do to one another.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

He thought it was kind of funny? Matter of factly told you? He'sgot some shit going on that is way deeper than any of us can advise on. You shouldn't be embarrassed. You are a victim here. He got some kind of sick pleasure watching you eat this...good God I don't think I could feel comfortable in the same home as him. I would be scared of what it would take next time to satisfy his sick side. Somethings not right with him. Is he in any kind of counseling? Please don't let this go, no matter how nonchalant he acts which by the way pisses me the fuck off even more. It's like he's still getting a kick out of it. you don't deserve any part of this


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and explanations. I haven't mentioned this incident to him since he told me about it which was near the beginning of his confession to cheating. I would like to ask him about his feelings towards it now, I'm just afraid to because if he still views it as funny or no big deal, I would be really hurt again.

I can't believe how messed up his mind was. The hardest part is that I don't know for how long in our marriage he was like this. Not only are my memories tarnished by the affair, I am also fighting with was my marriage, my family and my life EVER real?


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

(((((sohurt))))) It's a lot to grapple with, honey. Are you in IC?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25073 | Registered: Aug 2011
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

MB is abbreviation of masturbate.
Oh, sorry. That just didn't occur to me. That he would do this is absolutely disgusting and it still frightens me because this man has serious issues if he is prepared to do this to his wife.
he even thought it was funny because I shared the item with my mom
..and he thought that was...funny?Sohurtbyhim, I couldn't state my opinion better than this by Lovedyoumore;
That tells me he has some major unresolved anger. You may not be the origin of that anger, but you were the recipient of a major degradation. I am afraid this is more than him being able to turn off his addictions and become a loving husband. Your H has some major messed up head issues and he needs to get them worked out with somebody.

I think most of us have heard just about everything, so do not be embarrassed. That took real courage to admit. You have nothing to feel bad about. You have been a victim in real abuse and it is not your fault. Please do not confuse his kindnesses now for real change. Whether he did it once or a dozen times, he is in need of professional help, no matter what the trigger.

I agree this is serious and agree that your husband does need therapy. If I were you I wouldn't trust him without it.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I'm just afraid to because if he still views it as funny or no big deal, I would be really hurt again.

But if you don't know, then you are simply living a lie. Don't let fear box you into things. Take back your control. I think it does matter, VERY MUCH, if this was a one time thing or a pattern of behavior. Regardless, I think he needs help. I would make it a requirement.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I really think you need to talk to him about this. It is a big red flag to me that you are scared of discussing it. It sounds like a very emotionally abusive marriage. I don't think there's a connection with porn--to me it sounds like it comes out of a dark, dark emotional place where he resented you for his own messed up reasons and wanted to punish you in some sick way. No mature, balanced adult would do this. Period.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I was posting and didn't see some of the other info until just now.


OMG he thought it was funny that you shared the item with your MOM!

I just don't even....

Please please please see an IC and divulge this.

This is not anything for you to be ashamed of, nor should you have to carry this burden on your shoulders.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
really trying
Member
Member # 5311
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I'm not sure what it means but wanted to share that my X told me that he "peed in OW's shampoo." He thought that was so funny.

I think my X has a lot of problems but not sure which category this would fit into. He was also heavily into porn and from what I could tell his porn didn't have this stuff in it.


Me: late 40's
XH: A parasite and that might be a compliment
My S-23, Our D-15
Married 5/93 D-Day: 11/18/03
Divorced 5/19/08

The future's so bright - I got to wear shades

Plant Seeds of Kindness


Posts: 10391 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: California
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Hate to say this but NOTHING surprises me anymore. NOTHING AT ALL. People are sick fucks and they will do whatever they think they need to do for whatever reason. Him doing that to you is no different that WS's going out and fucking their op, or having oral sex with them then coming home and kissing or screwing their spouse or SO. And yes, looking back my h did that many a time when he would go chew away at the whore then come back to me and have sex that night. I see no difference in what your h did. Just my thoughts on it. Sick assholes out there.

Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

WH and I married young. He was one month shy of 19 and I was 21. Ironically, I thought he was so much more mature than a lot of the other guys that I knew at that time. I thought I was so lucky to have found someone like him to spend my life with.

I now realize that he probably was a mature 19 year old when we married, but I think he got "stuck" there. While he was a good provider and a good father to our children, he did not grow and mature as an adult. About 6 years before the affair, he stopped having sex with me. Just stopped. That went on for almost 2 years. I didn't know why...I didn't know if he found me unattractive, if he didn't care, etc. Finally, I approached him about it and he didn't have any explanation, but we "made up". When he started the affair, he used it as an excuse and told his gf that we hadn't had sex in two years, using what happened 6 years ago, something that I thought we had resolved, something that was his choice and his alone, and led her to believe that the two years we didn't have sex were the two years prior to the affair. Looking back now, I wonder if he was cheating on me all those years ago too even though he says he wasn't. But there are a lot of similarities to the way he was acting during the affair and the way he acted then.

Anyway, I can see the 2 year drought as a control thing. His reply when I ask him now why he did that was that I wasn't giving him the kind of sex he wanted (porn sex) so why should I get sex? I didn't even know that he was watching porn, so how was I to know what he wanted? In his defense, he did say a couple things that I probably could have/should have done, but I did feel uncomfortable and didn't want to appear to be a wh....to him.

I am so grateful for SI and all the caring people here. I am embarrassed by having this issues in my life.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Just to add another guy's voice here on top of FacePunched... this is just totally sick and wrong. The fact that he got enjoyment out of this is disturbing, to say the very least.

I agree with the others, that it would benefit you to bring this up in IC, and also the fact that he still needs help as well.

I'm so sorry you were subjected to this. I wish there were better words that I could offer. Just wanted to add my support.


Posts: 6767 | Registered: Dec 2010
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

sohurtbyhim, please don't feel embarrassed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are the victim here - this is all on your husband.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
ruby44
Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

There are a couple of stories out there and it is a criminal act.
http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2011/11/luzerne_county_man_put_semen_i.html

This man could not say why he did either but a condition of his lighter sentence is mental health treatment.
Frankly, this is not "normal" especially for a older person not some punk ass kid. I would insist on a evaluation and counseling. I hope that he has never done it before or again but still clearly needs to be addressed.
Hugs ((( )))


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 276 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I had something sort of similar happen and haven't told anyone either.

Right after dday, the Ex peed in my hair conditioner. Even though I'm barely awake in the morning, I noticed something weird looking about the color of the conditioner when I poured it into my hand.

Since I was sleepy, I thought it went bad and didn't use it. As the day went on I realized that conditioner doesn't go bad.

The Ex sent me a cryptic text later asking me how I liked it. I still hadn't realized he peed, but knew he had done something and threw it out. He finally admitted to it recently.

The way I look at it, there are lines normal people don't cross and once someone has crossed them, who knows what else they're capable of.

There really is no good reason or rationalization for doing something like that to someone's food. It's not normal human behavior.

Be careful.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I hope to God your H does not work in the food or hospitality industries.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1458 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Thank you for sharing, Rainbows. I don't understand how anyone can do these things to another person.

Don't worry Lovedyoumore. I doubt he would do anything like that to anyone but me. WH wants everyone to LOVE him and they do because they think he is such a nice guy and I am so lucky.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I'd find it hard to believe that this was a one time occurrence. I'm thinking if it was, and if he was remorseful, he'd be so deeply ashamed he'd never mention it. But to not only mention it, but purposely point out that your mother was victimized is beyond sick.

I think your H is a sadist. I'm sorry. You have nothing to be ashamed of. That act sounds incredibly abusive.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

As a man...If someone did that to me I would want to cut their junk off. That is the ultimate disrespect. I certainly would not want to R with someone who could do that to me and then even find humor in it.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I've shared here before, but now seems the appropriate time to share it again: My ex peed in my face while I slept, then laughed at me as I awoke choking, my eyes burning, not knowing what happened to me. He never told me what he did to me. He just laughed at me. I only figured it out during the divorce process when I found pictures of him peeing in other women's faces.

Your husband is a sick, sick bastard. Like mine.

And yes, porn desensitizes people. BUT, a person has to be a sick, mentally ill individual to do what your husband did (or what my ex did).


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think I could watch porn 24/7 and still never have any desire to disrespect a woman in such a way. It takes a screw loose, with or without porn.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I don't know how to state this...
You should not feel safe being alone with him.

What Rainbows said about how there are lines normal people just don't cross. Sorry I don't feel like using the quote thingy.

This is absolutely an assault.

Please talk to a therapist and really I think you should change the locks while he's at work and talk to an attorney. You might consider calling your police dept non emergency line and ask about filing charges against him.

Fwiw, ... let me preface by stating I've dated some messed up guys. ok. When I was still a teenager I had a serious boyfriend who told me, also in some lighthearted manner like it was no big deal, that one time a girl he was seeing was taking too long in a store shopping while he was waiting for her in her car. So he "jacked off and rubbed it all over her car seats" I know I must have at least had a look on my face because he re-stated "I was so angry I just decided to jack off"

This guy later in our relationship hit me right across the face in an incident he wound up "not remembering" so we couldn't even talk about that. Dangerous guy with a permanently messed up brain.

Who masturbates out of anger? What kind of a man thinks of their ejaculate as something to use to humiliate a woman?

Do not feel embarrassed. It is good that you posted about this you need support. Imo this is way worse than an affair. An assault like this points to a deviant mind that will never be normal.

I too know what it's like to be with the guy everyone thinks is mr. nicey nice. Sociopaths love to carefully manage everybody's perception of them.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I am furious for you ladies who were victims of these sick bastards.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6672 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Hugs

I am glad you were comfortable enough here to be able to talk about it. I know getting feedback on here is tremendously no matter what the issue(s).

I don't have any advise to help. Just wanted to say I am so sorry this happened to you and to all the others who have shared their stories.

This is a horrific act (and reaction from him) - it disturbs me to the core.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2061 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
hurtinghearts
Member
Member # 27232
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

That is assault.

This happened to a police officer at a fast food place a few years ago and the worker was charged with assault.

What he did to you is sick and I would truly be concerned with what else he may be capable of. Normal people don't do that.

He is a danger to you.


Dday: Jan. 8th, 2010
OW#1 6 month PA...she is remorseful and forgiven. OW#2 The "therapist"... played head games with me. OW#3... loved to give blow jobs in her office. OW#4 the couple from Hell

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Illinois
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

There is an element of sex addiction and escalating porn addiction that desensitizes people and may enable someone to do what he did. I think the lack of interest in intimate sex with you is also a red flag.

Clearly, there are power and control issues as well. Unless he has gotten intensive therapy, I wouldn't trust him.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3463 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

In your situation, I wouldn't be able to get through anything like this unless I was absolutely positive that the guy had done a LOT of intensive therapy. The white-knuckle, stop cold turkey approach would NOT *work* for me.

It feels creepy and diabolical to me. I'm getting a really bad *vibe* about this guy......

Would I be correct to assume that the A-issues were never resolved the *SI-way*? I ask because it seems almost as if your WH *snowed* you at the time and perhaps love-bombed you until things got back to *normal*. (my observations only, no judgment involved).

A lot of the things that you have mentioned in this thread, when put together in my head, point to a hostility towards you (or women in general). And that *type* of attitude doesn't just go-away on its own (if ever) and it sure as heck cannot be *managed* by him without intensive professional help.

How can you be sure he's not just *playing* mr.niceguy for you in the same way that he does for everyone else?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 20th (Thursday)


Don't worry Lovedyoumore. I doubt he would do anything like that to anyone but me. WH wants everyone to LOVE him and they do because they think he is such a nice guy and I am so lucky.

So, he does work in the food/ hospitality industry? Not?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1458 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

That is vile and seriously fucking questionable in the mental stability department.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7431 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Posting again on your thread...

I have worked as a waitress at different establishments for what would add up to years. Never have I even considered doing anything to anybody's food and I never observed it either. And believe me I got plenty mad many times while waiting tables, some people are nightmares to deal with.

I believe, and I know I read it somewhere but can't remember, that it's a standard part of abuse for the abuser to feel slighted in some way and then stew over it before escalating. Perhaps the slight is mostly in their minds, as abusive people also tend to be entitled fuckwads, or perhaps it is real. People hurt each other, it happens. Regardless, the decision to do something so sick is totally premeditated and calculating.

I'm pointing this out because it calls to mind a specific situation I was in. This man had pushed me and called me names. I ended it. He called me crying and explained some things I had done that had been hurtful to him. He insisted I had been rude to his friends and family when he took me to visit. He cried about how much he wanted me to like them and how the trip didn't go the way he wanted it to.

He had said nothing at the time, acted normal, and only told me his feelings about it after I broke up with him.

Still, I took what he said to heart. I was open to hearing about what I had done wrong mostly because if there was something I could fix or change, I could not only have the relationship back but also end the abuse. I could have back that perfect guy I had met and fallen for if I just knew what I was doing to make him angry. I could stop making him angry.

In retrospect, well, many things. First, if I did or said anything offensive he had numerous options, including dumping me, asking me to clarify what I had said or done, taking note of it and waiting to see if this was truly a pattern, etc. also, in this particular instance, I was very closed and quiet with his family and friends because I didn't know them while they all knew each other, and I was getting annoyed and overwhelmed having new people repeatedly thrust on me over the course of an entire weekend. After a four hour drive. Basically, I was really just exhausted. If he had brought this up to me and I had explained myself, he may have had to modify what he was doing, maybe change some plans so we could be alone, set aside a day out of the weekend where I wasn't going to be meeting anyone, allow extra time for me to sleep, there would have been numerous solutions, plus I would have known that he was even hurt in the first place. A real dialogue about whatever made him mad would have resulted in understanding and some change on both our parts, and that takes effort on both sides. Whereas simply deciding that I was a bitch and deserved whatever I had coming? Well that's just how an abusive person copes.

in the end I'm glad I stayed gone from him because it would have simply been a matter of time before I did or said something that hurt him once again. Or anyone, for that matter. Such is life.

Just be careful if you decide to ask your H why he was mad enough to do something like that. He will probably bring up something that makes you feel bad about yourself or that you already want to improve on. Shifting blame is always wrong but in cases of abuse it is repugnant.

Take care of yourself and hugs.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

He would never want to eat anything I made ever again, and closing his eyes could be dangerous for him,

Many years ago( I was a teen, and found the magazine at a relatives house) I remember reading a porn magazine that had people write stories of their encounters and such, there was a story about a guy who had invited company over for dinner,he prepared a roast chicken, while the chicken was cooking it apparently turned him on because he took the stuffing out, had his way with the chicken, then restuffed it, finished cooking it then fed it to his friends, I have not been able to eat roast chicken since I was about 15,

I think that it is a form of covert abuse, how would you ever have know if he didn't tell you what he had done,he's sick, I would bet he has done other stuff that you don't know about,

How would your mother react if she were to find out what he did, and that she too had eaten it, my mom would want to have his sorry ass beaten


Posts: 375 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 20th (Thursday)


Anyway, I can see the 2 year drought as a control thing. His reply when I ask him now why he did that was that I wasn't giving him the kind of sex he wanted (porn sex) so why should I get sex? I didn't even know that he was watching porn, so how was I to know what he wanted? In his defense, he did say a couple things that I probably could have/should have done, but I did feel uncomfortable and didn't want to appear to be a wh....to him.

He should never expect you to do anything that would make you uncomfortable. You should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable. He should not expect you to behave like a porn star.

IMO, the porn does have something to do with his indescribably sick behavior, both the above quote and the first quote in this thread, but I'm not a professional, so I don't know. JMO.

It's VERY disturbing that he would tell you about it now, and do so as if there was nothing wrong with it. The way he told you is disturbing, as if to say, oh, by the way...

I thank the men who have commented here because I'm sure it does help to get the opinion of men, too.

I'm sorry, but I would not feel safe with him. There's something terribly, inconceivably wrong there.


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

You know, I have so much respect for you for bringing this topic to light. There are details around my dday and the aftermath that I have been too ashamed to admit. I feel like a fool for enduring some of the sick shit that went on in my so called R.

I have thought of this thread all day and just want to thank you for having the courage to talk about it. While I agree that what he did was sick I also want to say I understand how you can minimize and dismiss it when you want so badly to R. With that said, and with the benefit of hindsight, I think you owe it to yourself to delve deeper here. You know it was a truly awful thing for him to do. I'm sure you're wondering every day what else there might have been that you didn't find out about.

Whatever you do, please don't eat anything that has been in his control. Please be suspicious when he hands you a drink he made. Ask him to drink it, too. It seems like maybe he's passive aggressive with sociopathic tendencies. His way of telling you feels wrong, too. The memory of the act wasn't enough for him so he had to heighten it by telling you. What's next? What will it take to spark him the next time? Be careful. Be alert.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6088 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wow, that is so horrible. I'm so sorry you've been treated in this way. I also agree that this is extremely abusive.

Nature_Girl, I'm so sorry you've also gone through such a terrible ordeal. I'm happy that you got away from him.

To treat another human being with such disregard and cruelty...I'll never understand.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 663 | Registered: Mar 2013
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Again, I would like to thank everyone who responded to me. You have helped me so much.

I agree with Stillhere....thank you to the men who responded too. It shows me that there are still men out there who are respectful of women.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2011
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Please tell me he does not work around food? The way he told you was very callous. I would have spent the day throwing up id my husband told me he did that. And to your Mother too?! Sadly, I fear you've only scratched the surface of what he's done and is capable of.

He needs to get into counseling and so do you. Hugs to you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 265 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I have worked as a waitress at different establishments for what would add up to years. Never have I even considered doing anything to anybody's food and I never observed it either. And believe me I got plenty mad many times while waiting tables, some people are nightmares to deal with.
This ^^^. I know it makes for funny movie fodder , but I've worked in restaurants for a decade and never actually seen anyone do anything to anyone's food. It's just a really fucked up thing to do in any situation, but especially here.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I've left men for lesser sins.

But a repulsive, disgusting, psycho, low life pig like this guy would get his head put right through a brick wall as I was walking out the door on my way to my lawyer's.

Yeah, I'm funny like that.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 54