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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: what should I do - if anything?
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Most of the names here I don't recognize. I joined in 06, so most of you wont know my story. So... cliff note version is that I have a son with CF. He is 7. His father is NPD (not smart though, thank God) and the reason I came here. We have not been together for years, and he is re-married with another child.

We were never married, so we had a custody battle over our son. We split physical custody 50/50, and I have sole legal. Our agreement is pretty detailed, because of his behavior in court, and before the trial. We also communicate ONLY in writing... I asked for that, and the judge agreed.

SO...

The first issue I want opinions on today is about sports. My son (we call him Bunt here) has been playing baseball for three years, and LOVES it. He also played soccer for three years, but has decided he's no longer interested and wants to play football this fall - perfectly fine with me. This was his first season playing basketball, and he loves that too. So - sports in Spring, Fall, and Winter.

My philosophy on sports is this: yes yes yes... providing the child is healthy enough (important in my child's case), no serious concerns, not behind in schooling, etc... then I totally encourage it. For every child the benefits of social skills, team sports, exercise, how to win/lose well, etc... etc... win win in my opinion, and for my son - the health benefits to him for his disease are HUGE.

So - back to baseball. In our area, we have what's called "in-house" and "travel". In house is simply our rec league. There may be 4 to 6 teams in an age group, and they take turns playing each other - once a week. Not really any practices or good coaching. Everyone makes the team, scores aren't kept, etc... great for the kids when they are really little, but if a child is good, really into the sport, then travel is the way to go for good coaching, seeing good pitching, and more competitive play. The travel has practices and tryouts - then if you make the team, you play other travel teams in the area... never more than a 20 minute drive though. Practice once a week, and games on weekends. There are a few tournaments too, in which 3 or 4 games can be played in a weekend. Those aren't the norm though. One game a weekend is.

My son wanted to try out. I encouraged it. I emailed his father and he was totally against it. First he said he didn't think his skills were there, but I took him to the practices and the first tryout anyway - to let him get a feel for it and see. They personally called me to make sure I brought him to the second tryout. He's good. He is SEVEN - his skills are FINE for his age group, and if they weren't - he would have been cut after the first day. The second tryout was supposed to be last weekend, when ex had him. He refused to take him. He told my son that if he played, he would never see any of his friends, and that ex would never take him to any other sports the rest of the year. I emailed - reiterated all the reasons why I thought it would be good to let him at least TRY, since he's interested. Why discourage him??? Why convince him he CAN'T do something? But no... total refusal.

The weather was crappy, and second tryout got cancelled. hahahahahaha guess when it is rescheduled for? THIS WEEKEND - my weekend Bunt is going, and bunt is HAPPY to be going. Excited - and feeling good and confident, since I assured him he was good enough and that there's no harm in trying. Even if he doesn't make it, we'll practice and work on things this year, and try again next year if he wants. Up to him. I also promised him it would not interfere or prevent him from participating in other sports.

Ex did this with my 17 year old when we were together... way back then - he was about the same age as Bunt, and also played travel baseball and football. Ex threw a FIT about the time it took up (selfish NPD). Not his son... so I thought maybe now would be different since Bunt is his. NOPE. Ex doesn't want to take HIS time to take Bunt... sports aren't important to HIM - so in typical NPD fashion, if it ain't about him - he is totally uninterested.

So - my kid may make the team... the second tryout is Sunday. If he does, though - Ex still has him 50% of the time... what do I do?? am I wrong in thinking he isn't acting in his son's best interest here, or is there an argument that Bunt is doing too much? I don't think so, but I'm really into sports and I love love love going to watch my kids play.

OK... so second issue... something my son told me this morning, and wondering what (if anything) I should do about it. I still have a lawyer, but haven't needed him in almost three years... and addressing this with ex is useless...

Ex has his own company - a small concrete, construction type thing... he owns a couple trucks, a trailer, and a skid loader. My son goes on jobs with his dad a lot (oh - and there are times he misses his games and says to me that he missed cause daddy needed him on the job that day) GRRRRRR to me - NOT OKAY.

But... so he goes with his dad last weekend, and while they are in the truck, one tire blows on the trailer, and another one came totally off. Ex pulls over on the side of the road, takes the skid loader off the trailer, then proceeds to drive down the road to the job, with my SEVEN year old son driving the skid loader behind him. Son tells me it was a main road. We were on a four lane main road at the time, and I said "like this one" and he said yep... I even had to stop for a red light and daddy was ahead of me in the truck and had to pull over. My 17 year old said "WHAAAAAT"

WTF!

OK - help please...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Lawyer.

Like yesterday.

It may turn out where you are the parent taking him to his sports. I could not agree more with the importance of them for kids with CF. Iíve shared with you before I have good friends with a son with CF and all they did his entire life was encourage him. He is now in his late-20ís and coaches basketball - with my X but thatís another thread . This is GOOD for him Ė he LOVES it and is good at it! Thatís enough in my book to pull out all the guns to not disappoint him.

As to your 7-year old child accompanying him at work? WTF IS WRONG WITH HIM??? A kid should NOT be in construction equipment let alone driving it? Has your X fallen on his head or joined a cult where stupidity is your card in?

I am constantly astounded by his assholeitude, and frankly, his complete lack of love for his child. What parent wouldnít want the best for their kid? It almost makes me think Buntís CF is too much for him Ė too much of a label on HIM.

Freaking NPD douche.

I just want to strangle that jerk!


AJís MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Wait, your SEVEN year old was driving a motor vehicle on the roadway?!! WTF!!! And are these construction sites hard hat zones? NOT appropriate for a child. Your Ex's insurance carrier would have a FIT if they knew.

I second the lawyer motion. If for no other reason than to point out if it's negotiation or blackmail to tell him if he gives you your way on the sports you won't report him to DCFS for the work issue.

What an idiot.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Ditto Ajsmom, pretty much word for word.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6597 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I agree. Lawyer time.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jan 2010
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

If for no other reason than to point out if it's negotiation or blackmail to tell him if he gives you your way on the sports you won't report him to DCFS for the work issue.

Strongly disagree with this.

SSM's ONLY job is to protect Bunt. He's also a classic NPD - there ain't no negotiating anything with him.

Lawyering up protects SSM AND Bunt.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Yes, my seven year old child works with his dad on occasion, and runs the skid loader and mini excavator by himself. He also runs them to plow the neighborhood when it snows, and other various odd jobs around his dad's home (farm).

This is the same man that leaves my kid and his other child (3) alone in horse stalls... at age 5, my son was kicked in the eye by a baby horse. Luckily, it only required a few stiches on the top around the brow, but he could have lost an eye, or worse - broken his skull.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I remember the stall story.

Because the environment in horse stalls is so good for CF'ers.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I emailed my lawyer about both issues - the sports one last week (and fwd him all the emails) and the driving one today.

He's not good about getting back to me or addressing anything... but the flip side is he's also not good about billing me...

I may need another lawyer though. I need SOMETHING to get through to the ex that he is not acting in his son's best interest or being a good parent and there will be consequences is that doesn't change... I don't want to take him from him... not at all... but I do want this shit to change, and I highly doubt it ever will. Ex thinks that laws and rules don't apply to him.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

A 7 yr old driving a skid loader under ANY condition is not acceptable, let alone on a road. Contact your L and have your L address this because that is putting Bunt in immediate physical danger.

As far as the travel team, I am not sure you can force him to take Bunt to any games or practices. It sucks. I had a friend whose X refused to take the kids to any games or practices, but he did allow her to pick the kids up and take them herself. But knowing your X he will not allow that either. grrrr

When you contact your L about the skid loader, ask about sports also.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I'd call your lawyer if he's not good about getting back to you.

You now know what's going on at daddy's work - you need to be on this like white on rice.

My heart breaks because I know the fallout will come Bunt's way. Your X isn't good about taking responsibility and Bunt will be chastised for telling you.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Yep - that's the downfall with me addressing anything with him... he will just lie to me, then go back to Bunt and tell him not to tell me things.

Meanwhile, he has a neighbor of mine watching me and reporting back to him, in an effort to take full custody of Bunt. YUP

Regarding the baseball, I actually offered to take him to practice or games any time - even worded it that their jobs are more demanding and with a younger son, I understood the hardship and would help out in any way. Still no...

He told Bunt that the (new) reason is because they all need to spend that time as a family.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

O.M.G.

What AJMom said. What an asshole. On so many levels.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
yewtree
Member
Member # 16671
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

So hire a PI to follow him some Saturday and take some photos of your son driving and operating equipment.
This is a child labor issue, a work comp issue, a risk management issue for the people who are hiring him, a CPS issue ... need I go on?

And to reiterate the SI mantra... glad to see you, sorry you are here.

((SSM))


Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.


Posts: 4699 | Registered: Oct 2007
stupidstupidme
Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

That's what my friend (the Vin lawyer) just advised me to do. PI


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
landabear
Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

He told Bunt that the (new) reason is because they all need to spend that time as a family.

I know your ex is a nutjob, that's not what this post is about.

But I'd like to mention that there ARE valid reasons for not wanting another sport added to the schedule, or not wanting to advance to a travel team in a sport. I have primary custody, and have raised those objections myself with my ex - and stood my ground on them. I have vetoed teams that would require too much practice, and I have regularly vetoes activities that would require me to leave work early, even if my ex volunteered at the time to do the pickup/drop off. Because there WILL be a time he won't be able to do it, and I would be stuck leaving work early or having the child miss an activity.

My custody time is my custody time, and frankly my time is also the only time there is homework and reading and quiet nights at home and home cooked food. I do NOT give that up lightly or easily, for everyone's sake.

Also, I am an introvert. 5 days a week spent running here, there and everywhere takes a huge toll on me, personally, and then takes a toll on everyone who has to deal with me.

The reason I wrote all that above is that your ex can use these perfectly normal sounding, sane reasons behind not wanting a child to play a particular traveling sport.

Even if he's being unreasonable himself, he can make it sound as if he is being reasonable.

So....you aren't likely to win the baseball argument in front of a judge, I don't think. He's allowed other sports, he's just objecting in a reasonable-sounding manner to the amount of time this particular version would take.

Frankly, the mistake was taking him to the tryouts without buy-in from his father. He'd already raised an objection, so any action past that point will look like you trying to force your way to the court. I would seriously consider if this Baseball hill is the one you want to die on, because the really really important hill is...

then proceeds to drive down the road to the job, with my SEVEN year old son driving the skid loader behind him.

THIS one. I would concentrate on this one. He won't miss his one and only chance at Harvard because he didn't play traveling baseball as a 7 year old, but THIS one is putting him in actual physical danger. This one go all mama bear on!


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 742 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I don't think even with your lawyers help you can force him to let you put Bunt in travel sports unfortunately. If he won't take him, then it's not fair to the team at that level to have a kid that won't be around half the time. It's also not fair to Bunt, because he will be upset and dad will be upset at him for being upset, etc.

The driving thing? Nail the NDP Ass. Hopefully they will revoke his visitation....then you can put him in travel sports.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5547 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Has your X fallen on his head or joined a cult where stupidity is your card in?

Being familiar with Bunt and the idiot X, I feel qualified to answer this with a resounding YES!

((ssm)) sigh. I don't think you can compel dad to involve Bunt on his time, but the inverse is also true. Just because he refuses to buy in on HIS time does not negate your right to do travel baseball 50%. I understand the argument that it isn't fair to the team. BUT, I would counter that a part time participant isn't fair to the team if the team/coach doesn't know exactly when and to what degree to count on the participation.

Bunt may miss some weekend tournaments. Lots of kids do. Usually they ask for anticipated participation and registration fees ahead of time. I would have a very frank and open discussion with the coach before cuts are made. Share your custody situation and why Bunt will only be able to participate on your days.

Bunt might be disappointed. But some time is better than NO time. This way his love of the sport remains alive. If Bunt's disappointment puts pressure on dad to "get on board" then so be it. Either he will or he won't. We all know what we can and can't control.

As for the driving?? PI, pictures and court. Do not warn ex. Just do it.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5870 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Topic Posts: 18