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User Topic: OW keeps stalking me online
BlackIce
New Member
Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I do not understand why. She stalks my twitter account and flips out and messages my WH about it. I don't even look at her stuff online, but she is obsessed with looking at mine. he knows i am not saying what she accuses me of. he is still in minimum contact with her, i am letting him sort his mess out. she is making me angry though.


BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I am just wondering, what is minimum contact? what is the purpose? imho WH should be strict NC with OW. She is stalking you, because she is still in HIS life.

I think the A may have gone underground. Do some investigation. Do not believe everything your WH says.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Your WH needs to tell her to fuck off.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

WHY is he having ANY contact with her at all?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Why dont you block her or keep your file private? I never understand this. NC...No excuses.. Change your profile , or dump it. NC from you to her or her to H. NC. H changes phone #. Your leaving the door open.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 883 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
BlackIce
New Member
Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

when i say minimum i mean he talks to me and everyone else more than he talks to her. they used to talk for hours now days go by where he doesn't say anything to her. i guess lessening contact is more appropriate. she is halfway across the country, they have never met, it's all via text. i've seen the convos and he barely says anything to her it's all one sided with her trying to keep him from breaking up with her and him telling her why it isn't going to work. he didn't talk to her for about 24 hours and i guess she freaked and read my twitter and told him i was saying stuff about our sex life on the internet, which i didn't cause that's dumb. he just asked and wasn't upset with me and i told him he needed to handle her and her crazy cause it's getting annoying. he doesn't do well with confrontation and he is dragging it out too long. i don't think he realizes that nice isn't going to work with her he has to cut it off. i am letting him sort this out himself cause it's his mess. he is kind of naive about certain things, especially social media. he barely knows how to use facebook. i won't close my account or put it on private because i am not going to hide from her.


BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Hon, as long as their is contact, there is an affair.

It's time to tell him to cut her out, or you are out. The slow dribble drab approach doesn't work.

No contact is the absolute minimum requirement for reconciliation. He needs to write her a no contact letter now, today, and send it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6281 | Registered: Jan 2011
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

i don't think he realizes that nice isn't going to work with her he has to cut it off.

(((BlackIce))), gently, I don't think you realize that nice isn't going to work with HIM and you need to kick him out until he cuts it off.

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 4:26 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me: 31

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

i guess lessening contact is more appropriate.

Huh? That makes absolutely no sense no matter how I look at it.

she is halfway across the country, they have never met, it's all via text.

Even MORE reason to change his phone number and block her emails.

You have way more to be concerned about than this twit following you on the web. You husband is still in the thick of this affair and you're allowing it.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

You are letting him sort his stuff out....equals he is allowed to continue his affair and have his marriage too.

He owes her nothing, you are his wife.

She probably loves that you are getting angry, NC all around. She isn't worth the head space.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:10 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Reconciliation is a fantasy until NC has been established with the affair partner(s).

There was a point in my FWH where he didn't understand why NC and tried to convince me that a couple of the women needs closure so he needs to say good-bye blah blah blah. I told him how considerate he was of their feelings except mine, his supposedly lifetime partner who he begged to stay married to... he got the point there and I kept hammering that over and over.

As far as I know BlackIce, a 2x4 here probably, this has become you and your husband against the OW. Instead of you and your husband working on your Marriage. I can tell you that letting your H off-the-hook because he's just "so naive" makes me look back in your direction. You're not doing your job as the BS. You're not enacting consequences for your naive child who will in turn will never learn the damage he has caused. Guess what, THIS WILL happen again. Play nice and you will get what you got again. Been there, done that. 11 years that my H pulled the wool over my eyes even though I really knew! When I finally learned, then he and I finally grew up and confronted the problem together as a married couple and trust me, the problem is NOT the OW. It's your hubby.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
BlackIce
New Member
Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

thank you simple.

he needs to stop interacting with her. i know this. i have been working on me and doing my own thing. he has been noticing and slowly coming out of his fog, he isn't all the way there. he is hard to deal with, i have to do what i know will work on him. he is a survivor of physical and sexual abuse and some approaches don't work with him. it's frustrating.


BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I think you are missing a key point here...

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE HERE!

First, You should have her blocked on ALL forms of social media. Not only to protect yourself, but she shouldn't be able to get ANY information about you or your WH, and especially not information about WH from your facebook, twitter or whatever.

Second, he should change his phone number immediately. There is absolutely no reason for them to still have contact. Unless you and your WH are divorcing and moving on with your lives (which is doesn't sound like whats where you are at)

EVERY time your WH does have contact with her, it re-affirms that they still have a relationship. That there is still "something" there. Is that what you want?? I don't think you are looking at the situation correctly. Frankly I'm shocked at how calm you are at the fact that he's still talking to her.

You seem more upset that she's stalking you than the fact that shes stalking you because you WH is making her feel like she CAN. In her eye's, YOU'RE the other woman, because he's still stringing her along!

He is acting the way he is because YOU are letting him. Put and end to this disrespect!

If he doesn't want to end contact with the Ow, then tell him to get the hell out of your house. He can't have his cake and eat it to.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Your fWH needs to send an NC email which meets your approval. This will likely help stop her stalking of you. And it's an important step for a successful R.

If she stalks you gather evidence. Eventually you may want to report her to police if she escalates.

So are you okay with him talking with her?

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:42 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BlackIce
New Member
Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

whattheh:

i am going to bring up NC, waiting for him to quit his job first because he is all worked up over that bad situation i don't want to have the two things clashing. he has a new job so it's not like he won't be working, in fact we are working together starting next week.

he has told me not talking to her has been hard and that he is trying to break off, which i can see since he is not on his phone as much as before. i don't believe everything he says since i know it is not completely over yet. i don't like him talking to her, i think she causes him more stress than it's worth but he got into this mess with her and he needs to end it. she is overly dramatic and very jealous. i am not, i know it's probably weird for me to be this calm about everything but it took a lot for me to get this way. being this way is what has gotten him to start pulling away from his OEA. like i said i have to do what works for us and being a hard a** and pushing him away is not how to deal with him. i know that it is what is recommended but i know it won't work for us. i am not placating him. he knows how i feel. the less crazy i look the better. i am living my life, i do what i want, i am being the me i was before i met him. if he chooses to come along with me then great, if not then we will deal with it. not everything is simple and not every situation is the same.

i just was wondering why she feels the need to check up on me. i don't even do that to her because i am not going to put myself in that headspace. it isn't healthy. this is the second time she has done this to me. i am not mad at her just irritated that she can't seem to leave me alone.


BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

i just was wondering why she feels the need to check up on me. i don't even do that to her because i am not going to put myself in that headspace. it isn't healthy. this is the second time she has done this to me. i am not mad at her just irritated that she can't seem to leave me alone.

Because she is having an affair with your H. You don't have to stalk her, your H lets you know when she is upset.

By not making your social media private you are adding to the drama. Your H is starting a new job, he has childhood issues, he is naïve to twitter...none of this excuses his contact with her.

I understand that every situation is different but you are allowing him to continue this texting affair.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

he has told me not talking to her has been hard and that he is trying to break off,

Have you asked him why his need to talk to her over-rides your needs as his wife?

I am sorry, you are making excuses for him and enabling his behavior.

You don't nice someone out of an affair.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

It's not uncommon and I wonder if it applies here. Do you think you are addicted to the drama? Because I can't conceive
of this all going on if you didn't want it to. There is no reason this has to be going on especially given your circumstances. Text only. Never met. Long distance??? It doesn't get much easier than that.There are very easy
Fixes to this but your not even trying to do them.

I know 2 years out i often find that if I'm gliding along without any bumps in my road, it as if I drum up some drama to prove that I didn't forget this and I won't let him forget it. It's not like i consciously do it, but I definAtely recognize it right away and knew what I just did. But I think I do it because i don't want to be blindsided again. I want to be ready and if the drama keeps up then I feel "ready". But it's what I don't hear and what I don't see and what I don't suspect that I think will get me.


Posts: 286 | Registered: Jul 2012
BlackIce
New Member
Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

he asked me about it without mentioning her even though i knew who told him, which he admitted to. he only brought it up because if i had done it it would have made him upset, we both are very private people in regards to our personal lives, which is why i have a hard time talking on here. i don't care if she was upset and neither did he. i only know cause last time i upset her he got mad at me which was when this first started, this time he didn't care.


yes i have talked to him about it. i am not being nice. i am being cordial because we have kids so i am not going to be horrible in front of them, which is constant because they are always there. i am keeping my emotions in check because if i acted how i really felt then nothing would happen. as far as my needs, he is starting to realize he has been neglecting things and is working on fixing it. two steps forward one step back, we actually talk a lot about what is going on, he just needs to cut the cord and hope she respects it, which i doubt she will because she is a drama queen. he doesn't want to deal with her drama but he needs to just get it over with.


BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Funny how you think that you are *controlling* this situation by how you deal with your WH's handling of his EA partner.

I always thought I was handling things correctly based on my stbx's *issues*, also.....until the day that I realized that HE was the one who was *handling* me!

Your anger towards her is totally misplaced.

Do you not see what your WH is allowing (and perhaps encouraging) to happen? HE is the one who is still in contact with her....and yet you are pissed off at her and he gets a pass? How does that even make sense?

NofuckingContact. Period. If they still HAVE to have work-related conversations....then it should be work ONLY. She doesn't get to blow up his phone over your Twitter account and have him act as a go-between. You are allowing your WH to have his cake and eat it too.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7680 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I always thought I was handling things correctly based on my stbx's *issues*, also.....until the day that I realized that HE was the one who was *handling* me!

Ditto. Trying to figure out how to "fix" things just kept me under his spell and allowed him to manipulate me longer. I didn't realize how much he was manipulating me until I stepped back from the relationship.

I don't think you realize how much you are letting him get away with. And I think if you stepped back, you would call yourself crazy for how much you are babying him and allowing him to disrespect you. I'm guessing you're scared too push too hard for fear of losing him, but honey, you don't want a man that can treat you like this.

I'm the survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse as well, but I didn't use and abuse the man I married then use my trauma as an excuse. F that noise.

I know you came for advice about the OW, but you need to realize that it doesn't matter what she is doing. You shouldn't know about it. Your H shouldn't know about it. You block her every way possible and tell her to get lost. Then you focus on you and your marriage again and figure out if you are really accepting of this crap. I'm guessing he's not as fragile as you think he is. He needs to man up or ship out.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I don't think you are grasping the concept of NO CONTACT. It means absolutely zero..
He's still with her and feeding you lies. Start investigating him... Or Kick him out for treating you like that. He cheated he should be talking to no other women period...
Oh I am so angry for you... Stalk her back and tell her to leave your husband alone or your coming after her..


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Hun we all have kids... Something is fishy here.. He's had 2 affairs and you are just enabling him to have more.. And who cares if he has stress.. He chose to cheat and don't be surprised if he met up with them and fuck em too. Wow.. Sorry but this is unbelievable.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, February 21st (Friday)

If ow is in another country, I would say it would be simple to go NC. She can only contact by email, text, social media, so simply hit block, deactivate, ..and its over. He's keeping.it going which.is wjhy she's stalking you and the one that really puts the cherry on the cupcake...she's pissed because she thinks your having sex with YOUR HUSBAND because she considers him HER BOYFRIEND.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4696 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 24