SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Regret
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

So my ex and I were only married a little under 5 years, together 7. Really not that long in the grand scheme of things. I was a very good wife to him. He tried to commit suicide, spent money like it grew on trees, flirted, porn, gambling addiction. I held the marriage together. Tiptoed around him and did everything in my power to keep him happy....typical doormat behavior. When he left me for OW, I felt the pain intensely like everyone else here. I'm over it and I'm glad he is out of my life, but I can't get past the regret of ever even knowing him let alone marrying him. Tips, advice?


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Yeah, I have regrets also, but I was with him for 26 years.

You kind of have to give yourself a bit of a free pass. You didn't screw up - he did. You made a good faith effort based on what you knew at the time.

Don't let regret taint the rest of your years.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Together 10, married 8 (to the day - final S was 10 mins into the 8th wedding anniversary).

I don't know how to stop the regret. I am still dripping with regret for choosing so poorly for my girls. Eventually it doesn't burn quite so much.

What people here have said to comfort me is "you did the best you could with the information you had". It was faulty information and knew it years ago. I kept up the facade for far longer than he bothered to pretend to be the guy I thought I had married.

When all else fails I remind myself that it could all be worse, much much worse. I could have wasted 30 years. I could have had a bunch more kids, I could have been a SAHM, he could be stalking me violently etc. etc. etc. It sometimes helps.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I look at it this way. Yes, there were wasted years. But why would on want to waste anymore time pondering those wasted years. He took enough from me. He's not worth the regret.

Posts: 391 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I am still working to forgive myself for staying so long and putting up with so much in the relationship.

What I tell myself is 'now that I know better I can do better'. I can't change the past but I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

We were married 22 years and together for 30. I don't waste time on regrets. If I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my beautiful children so I certainly don't regret that! It is now simply a chapter of my life that is in the past. Look to the future, don't dwell on regrets of the past because you can't change any of it.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I regret the hell out of my M. My xWH is a horrible person who ruins everyone and everything he touches.

I try and ameliorate the regret by thinking about things I have now, friendships I have now that I wouldn''t have if I hadn''t met him. Some days that''s enough to not feel so regretful. But it''s hard. I paid a really high price for my time with xWH. A really high price. Things I''ll never have (like children, the abililty to retire) thanks to him. It''s hard to put a positive spin on that.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Forgive yourself and resolve to learn from this.

That's all I got!


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I am still working to forgive myself for staying so long and putting up with so much in the relationship.

Hurts, that is my biggest issue now. I put up with sooooo much just hoping and praying that he would change. I was the model wife just wanting to make him constantly happy. He was an avid golfer and I would always tell him "don't come home until you get a hole in one." I just feel like I wasted so much time....time that I will never get back.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

We had a lot of good times together. What I regret most is that I allowed many of my other relationships to suffer to be with her. I feel like I missed college too.

I don't regret loving her. I did nothing wrong, and it hurts that she did not value me the I valued her. But I do understand where you're coming from.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Some days temporary forgiveness comes easier than others. Some times I am able to give myself a pass and accept 'I was young' or 'I didn't know better'. Other days I resent the hell out of myself.

Often we are so much harder on ourselves than we would be on others. I try to accept and let go the resentment. If that doesn't work I remind myself that tomorrow is another day and I will try again.

One day I will forgive myself. In the meantime I will explore what the self resentment might be stemming from.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I just feel like I wasted so much time....time that I will never get back

That''s what I''m feeling too. My shrink tells me that there are billions of tiny moments that got me to where I am today. Each one of those billions made my boys exactly the kids they are today, and made me exactly the person I am today - and, really, I''m proud of both. Sometimes I can even admit to being proud of myself without adding "despite..." to the end of the sentence. But not always!

When I told him that I had always wanted a lifelong marriage, and now may never celebrate a 25th anniversary, he said, "You were married for 17 years when you left your wife. Would eight more years of that have been worthwhile to get the trophy for 25 years of marriage?"

My shrink must have been having a funny day, because he never uses sarcasm. My response: "I would have deserved that fucking trophy."


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2144 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 12