SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: BH's new work schedule :(
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

BH recently started working as a Correction Officer at a men's prison. Since he is new, he is less likely to get the shifts he wants. Up until now he has been working 7-3, but starting in March he is going to be working Wed-Sun from 3p-11pm. So we will only have him home for dinner twice a week, and it will be just me and the little one the rest of the time.

BH is upset about it and doesn't want to do it but doesn't have a choice..he feels badly that he won't be here with us throughout the week.

I am sad about it and will miss him, I have loved having him home while he has been and I am afraid it's going to be hard on all of us once he starts his new schedule.

My biggest fear though is I know he is going to be triggered by this;he is going to worry what I am going to be doing while he is at work, and is going to be afraid I will slip back into my W ways.

How can I reassure him this isn't the case? I don't want him to worry every night that he is at work. And how are we still going to make time for us and our family?

I am trying to remain optimistic and reassuring for him right now, but am so sad that he won't be home.
.I can only hope his schedule will change again soon.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Sorry for what you and your BH are going through.

How about sending him pics of you and the kids throughout his shift if possible.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Thanks Florida!! That's a good idea but BH is not allowed to bring his cellphone into work with him...he keeps it off and in his car.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Maybe pack his lunch for him and slip a daily letter or a little thought in it for him? He'll read it halfway through his shift and always know you are thinking of him. No technology required and probably a lot more sentimental.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Working opposite schedules is really difficult. It makes connecting as a family and as a couple challenging to say the least. I know you recently started a new job yourself. Is your schedule set? Or can you come in a couple hours later than you do now?

If you can find a way to get in a little later, how about making the first meal of the day your "family dinner time"? That way you still have a sit down meal and then begin your day together as a family. Take the time you would normally have in the evening and try to work that into your morning routine. Once you get enough vacation time, start taking a day off together, just the two of you to reconnect.

As far as reassuring him? Can you meet him on his lunch break occasionally? Fill him in each night or morning on the events of the day. Tell him how much you miss him. Don't make unilateral decisions about important things, especially regarding the wee one. If you fall asleep before he gets home, leave him notes so that he feels like he is in the loop. Take pictures of funny (or even not so funny) things that your daughter does. And make time, no matter how tired you may be to give him affection and intimacy.

It won't be easy. You will need to work even harder to stay connected. I've BTDT and I know it sucks! Hang in there.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I would recommend sending the pics regardless. They will be in his phone and waiting for him right when he gets off work. It will be reassuring to him and be something he can look forward to and relax him before his ride home. Just a thought.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I like the idea of notes in his lunch. Also, if the computer is in the living room, perhaps changing the screensaver to a pic of the two of you. Tell him that you'll be thinking of him the times he's at work. Then weekly, maybe take a new photo for the screen saver.

It might sound corny, but knowing you want his smiling face there with yours, for you and the little one to see, might make him feel better - as if a piece of him is there with you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

My husband travels for work. For the first four years of our daughter's life he was gone four days and home three. When she was five, he traveled to Alaska and would be gone three weeks and home a week. For us, this is the norm.

Since his affair happened at home with a woman who knows me and our child, his going away for business put me at peace. If he was in St. Louis, he wasn't spending time with her. I know, weird!

In the last few years, his schedule has been mostly on the east coast so now he might fly out during the day but will be home for dinner almost every night. Somehow, this all works out for us. You adjust, he adjusts and your daughter will as well. Have those family dinners on the nights that he is home. When he's working, maybe have a picnic in the living room with your daughter, or breakfast for dinner. Something fun that you two do when Daddy is away!

As to your husband's worries; I think you have been given some really good ideas. Each time, he will become more and more comfortable. The out of town visits were actually harder on my husband as he was pretty worried for the first year that I would leave while he was away. He would have one of his friends drop by to ask me some stupid question, but really just to make sure I was still home.

You are not the same person you were during the affair. If you are having a bad day, you can always post here and we can talk you through it. Change is always hard, but I think you will be surprised at how well you will all adapt to this new schedule.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 6:13 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

No stop sign. I just want to make a suggestion.

If he gets "dinner break" is it possible for you to go and see him with your kid with a picnic dinner? Not every night but every now and then maybe to help him feel you're there for him.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
NotDefeatedYet
Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

It's tough. I work as a police officer with those weird hours, and I can't say you get the warm and fuzzies when you leave for work after all this. Even if he can't get messages at work, I'd suggest still sending them letting him know what you're doing and where you are. He'll get the messages, just not immediately. Make the most of those days off though.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
hatefulnow
Member
Member # 35603
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, February 21st (Friday)

At my prison, the officers are not allowed to leave during their shift. No outside food is allowed in and, of course, no cell phones. You could still send messages though. When he gets off shift he can retrieve them. Prison is a depressing place. After a hard shift he could probably use a pick me up.

Posts: 128 | Registered: May 2012
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I do like the ideas you have given me....I also talked to him about it last night and asked what he would like me to do...he liked the idea of sending messages and photos during the day for him to get when he leaves work. He also mentioned just leaving little notes for him to read when he gets home.

I am going to talk to my supervisor about maybe changing my hours as well....I can basically make my own schedule as long as I work 37.5 hours each week....right now I work 8-3:30 m-f but am going to see what changes i can make. ...even if its going in later some days....at least we will have that extra family time in the morning.

We also have to think of DD's schedule. Right now she goes to preschool 4 days a week but will be starting kindergarten in September. ..we are going to cut her hours at preschool so she can get some extra time w daddy.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 879 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Alyssamd24,

I totally understand this situation, I live, with the extra factor , my BH is gone for days sometimes a couple weeks at a time.

On your phone us the location and the time stamp for your pics messages etc. Cause really pics can be taken anytime. I just did this when we got our new phone. It helps.

When my BH is home, its about him and I . He says hi to the kids spends an hour with them usually and we all cuddle. Then they are either off to school or off to bed. Its just the way the days go. Then its us. We spend a lot of one on one. Then , when the kids are up or home we do strictly family. It gets a little hard to fit friends in, but we do , Its usually as a family.

CAn he have a family picture , can he wear a ring or watch at work, maybe a little engraving on it , would help he can touch it when he's thinking.

Mine has a key I gave him and pics in his truck and on his computer.

Just the fact you are aware it going to be hard, probably helps your spouse know you are thinking too. Its been a year now that my BH has gone back to work and it is still hard on him. It was before now its amplified a million times. I call him even as he drives to work. he has a 4.5 hour drive.

I know it will be hard to start, but it will get better once he gets his hours in, and like you said maybe you can change your schedule some.

Best wishes


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Hey sweets. If you may remember, my husband also works in a jail. He works either 3am-11am or 2am-10am. Which means when he's home, he sleeps.

I don't like the hours at all. It's hard. We don't always get a chance to connect at all. I think this may have contributed to why I ended up in the psych hospital last month. Not his fault, but I just floundered.

We just try to connect when he is home and make the most of it. Quality over quantity. Reassurance. Let him know your thinking of him. Transparency. Honesty.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 14