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Reconciliation
User Topic: Does a legal separation help or hurt?
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, February 21st (Friday)

We had a horrible 3rd MC session this week.

The previous week WH admitted that he had stopped to help AP (COW) with a flat tire 2 weeks before and that a part of him "still wanted to be with her". I calmly thanked him for his honesty, but told him how hurt I was - that he couldn't be committed to R if he still had these feelings for her.

In MC, he just turned the anger on. He's angry that we let our marriage get to this point. That he's damned if he is honest, damned if he is not. I nearly walked out, but stayed in the session.

That night, we AGAIN discussed transparency. I told him I needed him to be TOTALLY honest about contact with AP and another woman he is friends with. He agreed.

BUT - the night before our MC session (2/18), I found a letter from the AP in his briefcase stating how her love for him was forever and she couldn't understand how he could turn so cold toward her. I don't know if this letter was written after Dday or before - when he felt guilty and "stopped" the 18 month EA, which apparently happened several times (ha, ha).

I did not mention this letter in our MC session. Was waiting to see if he brought it up....when last night I found love song lyrics in his briefcase with a note "a girl can dream" written on it.

I THINK I'll wait until next week's MC session to throw this in his face - since I'm sure he won't bring it up. I just wish I knew when the letter was written.

So, this could be a deal breaker - I may very well ask him to remove himself from our home. But I am worried about finances with a DS in college.

Can anyone give me advice on how a separation might work - or hinder - our R if that is the road we are on?


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Too me, S protects you and your assets only. A legal maneuver. It is based in fear. This is not a message of you wanting to R. It is a message of your own fears. And of course, your feelings are valid finding that Song.

Like fear of you son's future.. when you were once single and likely feared nothing. You could do anything on your own. You still can is my bet. And if you H is any kind of masculine man, you guys D, he will still assist his child.

Confidence in yourself is most important. I look at myself today. My W can join me in my life, together, the happiness I insist, or not.

You cannot control what others feel. So you know, he is going to have feelings for his OW for a long time. It is up to YOU to decide if YOU can handle this.. and R'ing we must accept it. I can easily say, I am sure my W still has some feeling for her OM. I am ok with that. Just because I know she has feelings, does not mean her feelings for me, her intimacy with me, is not far stronger.

To compare, I still have fond memories about my first love. Those memories do cause some feelings in me. I have not talked, met with, been around this woman for years, therefore I am not loving her. I just have some feelings.. be them very slight today.

In time, your H would be no different than me.. Perhaps you can relate to what I just said?

That night, we AGAIN discussed transparency. I told him I needed him to be TOTALLY honest about contact with AP and another woman he is friends with. He agreed.

He just told you he was making a choice to love you. And words do mean something. But actions speak louder than words.

His action was to come to OW's rescue. You saw that. That was your H not letting go, making a choice. It is when we see bad behaviors we should make it known, That behavior does not, will not, get us to a point where we both have a loving, caring, giving and intimate romance.

And it can be as simple as anger. If my W shows me anger, I take a minute to look at myself. What was it I did to strike that emotion. If it was based in my bad behavior, I apologize, I change. If it was my W's Bad behavior, I try and place her mind as if she was in my shoes, then insist she would not appreciate it, nor do I and ask for it to not happen again, and finally reset back to safety. I am going to watch a movie, invite, would you like to join me.

And if the whine, complain, continue, well nothing I can do... all that does is make me have enough... I add more pressure and consequences.. and that behavior will lead me closer to D, because I don't accept, nor fear, me being single. No matter if I have money or not.

When a man awakes, he will on his own, make a choice not to ever rescue this woman. He will make the choice, on his own, to be transparent. He will make on his own to romance you, love you with service, time, gifts..

And in R, if you reject that love, it sends a message. I don't want you H. Sometime, A BS can have feelings yet still behave in a good positive way. It is a choice.

I will tell you this, the most open relationships are the most intimate. No matter the subject, how easy or how difficult.

Perhaps you can think more in terms when in MC.. And the goal should be you don't need a MC to do this in the future...
I found a letter that hurt me. I don't know when it was written nor was is shared with me. I think if I know the date, I might be able to find some peace with it, accept it. How can both of us be more open to each other even when we might have something to say that hurts one another? What behaviors should I change, should he change?

See what that gets you. Then you try to behave as your MC recommends.

You must have had "enough" before you D. You sound like you are right on the edge. And that is ok, it was your H that made the choice of infidelity, not you. Be ready to end it when you D. Sometime, a person will really awake. Sometimes not during that process.

Most people cannot live with the memories while in the presents of those who deeply hurt them. It is hard and takes months and even years for you to accept. It comes with mostly how your H will behave.. but you too and how you change.

Eliminating that person from your life and moving on usually bring new thoughts and new feelings. They can be very good new feelings.

It sounds like you want to try to R. I can admire that about you. It also means you are going to be far wiser today..

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:54 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, February 21st (Friday)

trynhard:

Thanks for your wise words, I am calmer now and will try your advice:

Perhaps you can think more in terms when in MC.. And the goal should be you don't need a MC to do this in the future...
I found a letter that hurt me. I don't know when it was written nor was is shared with me. I think if I know the date, I might be able to find some peace with it, accept it. How can both of us be more open to each other even when we might have something to say that hurts one another? What behaviors should I change, should he change?

See what that gets you. Then you try to behave as your MC recommends.

But I still will be pissed if he doesn't tell me about the letter and lyrics before the next MC.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I found a letter from the AP in his briefcase

if he's committed to you, he no longer has any correspondence from his AP hanging around. This letter would be a dealbreaker for me, the fact that he's keeping it, doens't really matter when it was sent.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Yeah, rachelc, I was thinking that too.

I really don't know how I am going to handle this info -

I am really pissed - perhaps there is more to come.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 5