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Reconciliation
User Topic: Am I Unreasonable?
boilerfan35
New Member
Member # 41180
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 21st (Friday)

I am still checking my hubby's cell records. He's only 1 week in to saying he's 100% "for" keeping the marriage together. I found a new phone number on there today and asked him about it and he is livid that I am still checking up on him. I find this unreasonable on HIS PART since he is the one who cheated and used his cell phone for constant communication with OW.
How long was it before you didn't feel the need to check anymore? I want to believe him but after being lied to so many times I'm finding it hard to trust him again no matter what he says.


Me 48
WH 45
Together 28 years
Married for 24
DS(1) 24
DD(2) 13
DD(3) 9
Dday 10/19/13
announced his EA and told me he's not sure he ever loved me
12/22/13 finally admitted to the "whole" truth
Now in R and working to repair

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 21st (Friday)

he's 100% "for" keeping the marriage together. I found a new phone number on there today and asked him about it and he is livid that I am still checking up on him.

100% for keeping the marriage together means 100% transparency.
Are you guys in MC?
Have you created a list of things he needs to do in order for YOU to stay in the marriage?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4702 | Registered: Dec 2010
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 21st (Friday)

You are not unreasonable, he is! How dare he be livid at you for not trusting him! Personally I plan on checking for as long as I want/need. My H knows this and supports it. Yours should too. If he has nothing to hide, why is he upset?
((hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 897 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Were not R, or any where near it as I am concerned but I believe you are being reasonable and he is not.

He has not warranted trust with only 1 week in. He should be willingly showing you and explaining to you. Just going through the motions is not enough.

He needs to have the desire to make you trust him.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 21st (Friday)

You are not being unreasonable. We are a year out, and just last week on the way out the door to work I asked if we could trade cell phones for the day. He said 'sure' lightly, swapped, and we went on our way.

A couple of weeks ago I wasn't where I said I would be when he texted (had just run to a book store after work), and when I got home he asked if I would mind showing him the receipt with the time on it from the book store. I didn't do it so lightly, but then I checked myself and we talked about what we were both thinking/feeling that led to the request, and it was great.

Him getting angry with a request like yours would not be ok with me. He would get some anger right back, or (hopefully) a calm interaction from me in which I described to him exactly why I was checking - because he betrayed all trust and truth between us and it needs to be rebuilt for the rest of our lives. I will check his phone in ten years if I want to, and I don't pretend that I won't.

I know I will be ok on my own in life, and I struggle with staying with a cheater as is - if he makes my struggle any harder than he already has, I'm done with our M.

Hope this helps.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 378 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Jls0320
Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 21st (Friday)

He's being unreasonable. I found out about the EA 5 mos ago and still have spyware on his work phone and check the records on his personal phone. If he is truly committed to R than he needs to accept you will be checking up on him until you feel you don't need to, whenever if ever that is


Me: 33 BS 2 little boys
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 250 | Registered: Nov 2013
boilerfan35
New Member
Member # 41180
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, February 21st (Friday)

yes, we are in counseling. I don't know if it's really helping but I keep going because I think it's better than us trying to keep it going on our own.
I have not made a list but I'm going to work on one to present. I think that's a good idea.


Me 48
WH 45
Together 28 years
Married for 24
DS(1) 24
DD(2) 13
DD(3) 9
Dday 10/19/13
announced his EA and told me he's not sure he ever loved me
12/22/13 finally admitted to the "whole" truth
Now in R and working to repair

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 21st (Friday)

You will have the right to check up on him forever. The rest of his life.

You are NOT unreasonable.

Transparency and accountability, two very key ingredients for a real reconciliation. Don't accept anything less.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, February 21st (Friday)

No. You are not unreasonable. He needs to work on his response to it. In my case I find that responses like that from WS mean that she is reminded of the shame of what she did. We have worked on our communication about it to avoid extreme emotional responses for both of us. I am suggesting to her that we set a time to look through the accounts, phone calls and texts together once a week so that nobody is blindsided by questions or reactions to questions. I feel ok with this because I installed software that recovers deleted information from her phone, though I have not promised that I won't look from time to time on my own, only that I will address it during our scheduled times to talk about it. It's a tricky dance rebuilding trust and every couple has to determine what works best for them in their own situation. I hope that you guys find a method that works for both of you so you can move toward rebuilding it.


WS: 38--2 EAs
BS: 38--me, faithful
DS: 5
8 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 541 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 21st (Friday)

He's way off. It takes a lot more than a week to rebuild trust, and transparency is forever, as Rebreather says.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9944 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, February 21st (Friday)

He is unreasonable.

I believe that when a former WS gets livid at something like this, they are hiding something. What reason is there to get livid unless there is some embarrassment involved?

Embarrassment at getting caught.

Livid is much more than just being annoyed.

Did he tell you who that phone number belonged to?

Also, October was not that long ago at all for any BS to be done checking and wondering.

ETA: I have also found that livid = defensive. Defensive as in hiding something.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:52 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 3721 | Registered: Jun 2002
soconfusednow
Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I found a new phone number on there today and asked him about it and he is livid that I am still checking up on him.
Does that make you think he's hiding something? Tell him so.

How long was it before you didn't feel the need to check anymore? I want to believe him but after being lied to so many times I'm finding it hard to trust him again no matter what he says.
I still check sometimes several days in a row other times not for a few weeks. It all depends on my gut feelings.

H phone is placed in the kitchen when he gets home I'm free to look whenever I want & know his voicemail password. His only request is I don't pounce on it the second he arrives.
The last time OW contacted my H (for work related issues) he came home from work, handed me the phone, said there is a text from OW I saved it so you can read it.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

At 3 1/2 years out, I still check from time to time - phone and computer. Computer still has a keylogger on it. He never fusses at all when I check. It's a way to build trust when I check and find nothing, and my husband knows this. He wants me to do so because he wants to regain some of the trust that he lost.

Not only are you being reasonable but you should be concerned that he is bothered and that you found a new number.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1448 | Registered: Nov 2010
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

My BH can check on anything he wants for as long as he wants. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

Complete transparency, forever, is how this works. He needs to get that.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37149 | Registered: Sep 2007
Bloozle
New Member
Member # 42442
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I would be very concerned that this is a fake reconciliation. Wish I could go back to week one and lay out the law then. Don't put up with it, you'll regret it later.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Near Louisville
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I'm 22 months out and still check. I don't so it consistently, maybe a couple times a month. Usually when my gut starts feeling off and I need reassurance.

One week into R is reasonable, 2 years into R is reasonable. He is being unreasonable. Did he explain who the new number was?


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 464 | Registered: Apr 2012
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

1 week he's been 100% committed and before that???
Are you sure he hasn't taken the A underground. He sounds suspicious.
Sorry I ripe him a new asshole if he asked me if I'm still checking on him. He doesn't get it.
bitch boots time for you.
Good luck and sorry :)


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 17