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User Topic: help - need advice please
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Frustrated  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 21st (Friday)

So I am back, again. Please see my profile for latest information.

I really need some advice and perspective on something I have found.

WS is going away for a weekend with a girlfriend. Girlfriend has her own marital problems. I encountered an email exchange between them. Girlfriend says she may want to spend some time on the weekend with a 'friend' (presumably male). However, she does not want to leave WS alone much on the weekend. Here is the exchange that follows:

WS: I think I can find ways of not being "alone".

GF: Do you have someone else who might want to be present for part of this???

WS: To hear him tell it, absolutely!!!

GF: Hear who say what? I'm lost...

WS: Yes I could have a friend there if I wanted.

This exchange indicates to me that WS has been talking to a man about her weekend away and that he has expressed a desire to see her at some point. IT also indicates that she is interested and may in fact follow through by inviting him. I have no idea who this might be, but I am thinking she is cheating on some level again.

AM I right that this really can't be interpreted any other way????

As an aside, there are other hints - increased interest in fitness, no interest in sex, bickering, unusual efforts at being sweet to me.

Help. my stomach is turning.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Unfortunately, I read that exchange the same way you did- your WS is up to no good.

Sorry.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6293 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 21st (Friday)

To hear him tell it, absolutely!!!

WW's certainly have an odd way of answering questions.

To be honest, if this were my WW, she would not be going anywhere this weekend, that's if she wanted to stay married.

She has to consider your worries and concerns at the very least.

I read your profile and of course I already forgot, when was your DDay?

Try and get another email exchange and see if you can get even better proof. If not, this is enough to confront her and tell her, sorry, you are not going away this weekend.

To answer your question, no, her reply cannot be interpreted any other way.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 21st (Friday)

thanks craig. DDay for this was yesterday. The weekend away is not this one but the next one. I plan to try to get a peek at more email, but she is very good at keeping these things away. Original Dday was March 30 2010.

Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
Ausman
New Member
Member # 41513
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, February 21st (Friday)

This can only be interpreted one way. So very sorry for you.

I've read your profile and I see you've travelled a very tough road. She must be very cruel to keep inflicting so much pain in your life.

Deep beaths, hold your head high and keep your integrity. I hope you find peace for yourself. My thoughts are with you.


Me - BH 45
Her - WW 45
Married 21 years together 28 years
Four adult children (yes we started young)
DD#1 1999 3 month PA much older co-worker
DD#2 Dec 2013 EA over a year with childhood ex-boyfriend
Not sure where the relationship is going at

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Can you make copies of these emails. Dont let her gas-light or lie to you about never writing them.

And yes, get more emails and save or copy them.

But, no matter what, if this were me, she would not be going on any trip.

Now, if you wanted to really catch her, you now have the perfect opportunity. You could show up where she is going to be and actually catch her with some guy.

I dont know if catching her or stopping her would be best for your situation.

Something else, your WW seems good at admitting what she has done wrong, NC and all of that, but has she ever admitted to you WHY she does these things with other guys. There is certainly a real reason for this and until she admits that to you and maybe herself, this will continue forever.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I agree with Craig and would take it a step further.
This trip gets cancelled, yes, but I'd also require WS to dump this "friend" as a condition of R since it is obvious she's no friend of the marriage.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6293 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Aceofbase
Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Sorry to say I can not read this any other way but that she has another male friend.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Unfortunately I can't get copies. I only happened to see these because they were saved on a tablet device. When I tried to forward them, it wouldn't work because the device is no longer logged in to that account (she changed the password somewhere else). I can only hope that she will change it on the device as well and I can get at it again.

I don't think trying to catch her will work as I do not know when - or even if - they will actually meet.

My plan was to ask her next week straight out about the guy she may meet. If she denies I can tell her about the emails (I did transcribe the relevant ones verbatim).

If she still denies, I doubt R is possible. It appears she is never going to stop this.

As an aside, even before the 2010 Dday I had suspicions occasionally. She also cheated on her ex for 3 years. This may be the last straw.

I don't know how long I can wait. This is driving me insane.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Were there any other emails indicating she would be with another guy this weekend.

What type of place are they going for this weekend and what reason did your wife give for going in the first place.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 21st (Friday)

As a veteran of infidelity man, you should have learned to listen to your gut by now. Your gut is screaming at you, you need to listen to it. If your gut wasn't screaming at you, you wouldn't be asking us what we thought. I think you know the answer to your question, but it hurts to much to admit it. Thinking back to my first post, I just wanted people to confirm what my gut was trying to tell me, and it hurt like crazy to admit it to myself.

From reading through your profile, and then reading your post here, it appears to me that she's cheating again (if she ever stopped).

So sorry you're dealing with this again.

Hang in there buddy.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I can only hope that she will change it on the device as well and I can get at it again.

^^^^^Just saw this. 100% guarantee that she's cheating. You should know her password, or she should freely give it to you if you ask. If there's nothing to hide, she won't mind.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Sorry to say, I think you are reading them exactly right. I also agree that a condition of R would have to be losing this "friend".


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 21st (Friday)

The waiting is the worst.
Why do you have to wait til next week to talk to her? Get it out now, why should you have to be in this agony.
How could you possibly be okay with this trip after you know her mindset and possible plan?
Her friend is no friend of your marriage and needs to go if you stay together.
You have had too much of this in your life.
So sorry for what you have had thrown at you again.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 21st (Friday)

There were no other emails. This is a brand new account, so she hasn't used it much. Funny - she need this new account because she couldn't remember password to old one and couldn't reset it. She has used multiple accounts in the past, so she may have communications that way. And she has a work issued blackberry which is password protected - she texts ALOT.

Originally she and girlfriend were going on a fitness retreat. It got cancelled and they decided to go away to another city. They're good friends and they both need time away to chat, shop etc. Details on what they will do have been vague.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, February 21st (Friday)

thanks for all this - so to speak.

For a while after 1st Dday she was okay with supplying passwords etc. She eventually got tired of it, insisting I should trust her, was crowding her etc. When I discovered one of the flirty emails a couple of years ago, she went ballistic and basically said I can't do this anymore. It was almost like a condition. I figured that we had reached a point where maybe everything was ok, and I was also getting tired of not trusting. I decided to give trust a try.

The rest of our relationship has been up and down. Some of the usual stuff. Before Christmas she flat out said we were done, over a stupid argument that she started. But since then there have been some moments of apparent tenderness, though now I think they may be self-serving.

Last night and this morning she asked if I was "okay". I am not sure if she perceives me being anxious or if she is herself. This morning she was especially cuddly - way moreso than usual.

As for waiting, we are a blended family. I have two kids and she has one. We have all three kids every other weekend. I haven't seen my kids for about 10 days due to work. I don't want this to spoil the weekend for all of us. Plus, I want to see if I can find anything else.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I don't see how anyone who can understand English a d can read could come to any other conclusion than she is betraying you again. If this friend was a female she would have used different terminology. What is she doing going away for week end with a friend with relationship problems of her own. They will both encourage each other to do stuff that will be harmful to you. If I were you I would confront immediately and demand answers of get rid of her for good

Posts: 922 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 21st (Friday)

this is so terrible - constantly refreshing this page for more.

I realized I didn't answer craig on the "why". We went through therapy. It was apparently a lack of self respect or poor self image combined with an upbringing that included infidelity. I really don't know. I was assured that this would never happen again, but we all know what that means.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 21st (Friday)

This is an ugly situation. Your wife knows there is a problem stemming from childhood, and I do know that childhood problems can really cause this later in life. But it doesnt seem she can or wants to stop this way of life.

Since you know she is going to meet some guy, I wonder if there is any way to use this to your advantage. As in shaking her free of this behavior.

Has she even told you where she will be staying, like the name of the hotel, room # etc.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I know where she is staying - I booked the room for them! Such a fool.

I don't think they would know the room until day of arrival, but I am sure a call could be made.

They are sharing a room, however. If there is any interaction with him, it could happen somewhere else. I can only assume he is from our city, in which case he would travel too, and perhaps get his own room.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Yes, she is going to cheat, or has been already lately.

Please stop waiting. Your account name isn't really right--you do know. It is painful, but doesn't become less so by trying to ignore it.

I don't know if she was genuine in therapy when she assured you of future fidelity, or if she never meant it, but she needs to not go on this trip, dump the friend, give you total access to her email/phone, and go back into MC. If not you need to go see a lawyer.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve so much better!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Idontknow - Is there any need for you to actually catch her at this time? Will that snap her into reality.

If so, why dont you just get a room at this hotel and actually find out and catch her.

If not, you need to confront her very soon and tell her the games are over.

I'm afraid if you tell her what you read, she will lie out of it with things like, oh I was joking etc.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I think trying to catch her is too risky and may not yield any results.

To be honest, I have put up with so much of this over the years that, if she denies this, then I think I would tell her if she goes away then we're done.

The message I saw speaks for itself - and I am more and more satisfied that this happening.

That said, fortunately I have a week to figure out what to do - and I may find more evidence in that period.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Personally, I believe if you want to try to save your marriage, you need to go at your WW in full force. If you want to catch her cheating, so be it. But do you really need that?

Your WW never worked through her issues. And I hate to say it, you didn't follow through when you caught her in the past. Throwing the phone in the toilet? That doesn't sound remorseful to me.

This time, hold her fully accountable. Don't accept one iota of blameshifting, gaslighting, or deflection. If an answer doesn't sound right, don't accept it.

She may or may not be able to change. She may or may not WANT to change. But that doesn't mean that you have to accept it. Let her know, from this very moment, that she is either all in on fixing this marriage, or not. There is no in between.

Easier said than done----absolutely. But it doesn't make it any less real.

Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 21st (Friday)

The bottom line is you already caught your wife again with that email.

So it does come down to next weekend. You should just tell your wife that if she does go on this trip, you will know exactly how she feels about you and the marriage.

The bad thing is though, that she will most certainly turn this on you. You are the bad guy, you are the sneaky SOB. You are this and that.

And then she will lie out of the real meaning of the email.

SO I guess to avoid her being able to lie out of the email meaning, try and find a little something more, enough so that she cannot lie out of it in any way.

I think many BS's give too many second chances and then have to go through all of this again.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
Aceofbase
Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, February 21st (Friday)

All I can say is wow. You need to stop putting up with this sh!t. Start now with the 180.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Thanks all for your help.

My stomach is still churning, my hands shake, and I feel terrible.

I haven't been able to find anything more. On the positive side, I was able to take a photo of the original emails I found on the tablet, so now she can't delete and deny.

any more advice is welcome.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

There is no more advice.... because you already know it. You have been there and done that.

Listen, I know that it sucks. But your wife is not doing the things that she should be doing - particularly as someone who has had multiple indiscretions in the past. She does not get latitude and you do not need to worry about absolute proof. You certainly do not need to be "catching them in the act" or building evidence.

You sit her down - before she goes away - and let her know that you know. Period. She cancels the trip and ends the friendship with her buddy (who, by the way, is no friend of the marriage).

It doesn't matter if she has already slept with this other guy, has just communicated with him - or even if she was just kidding! It's inappropriate. She should not have ANY communication.... read that again.... ANY COMMUNICATION with ANY MAN who is not her father, brother, or you. She has shown herself to be someone who does not have firm boundaries and until this is resolved she no longer gets this privilege.

She does not have to agree. She doesn't owe it to you. But you also don't owe it to HER to remain married.

Complete and total transparency is a requirement of the marriage. You ask to see her phone, or her tablet, and she should be handing them over to you GLADLY. With a smile on her face. Anything else means that she's hiding something - and that is not a good sign.

Bottom line. She complains, makes excuses, or - certainly - goes on this weekend trip........ she packs her bags because the doors will be locked when she gets home. Make sure she understands, in no uncertain terms, what she's doing and what the repercussions are.

Have strengthen. Do not tolerate someone who is treating you like this. It isn't her first time down this road and she hasn't learned her lesson. Learn yours.

Good luck.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

IDK... Sorry for your situation. I am even sorrier for the protracted length of it.

First of all, it seems that your wife has a habit of seeking extramarital relationships. Also, it seems that your wife has you figured it out pretty well. She discloses everything when you catch her, thus giving you the false sense of security that you know everything so you can start trusting her again. Once the trust has been reacquired, she starts all over again.

Is this something you are comfortable with? Because I don't see your wife changing modus operandi.

As someone said on SI recently, fears is the BS kryptonite. Don't be afraid... You actually don't need any additional evidence than what you already have. Unless is for legal purposes, you have plenty to establish, at minimum, intent.

I would suggest that you sit her down and tell her that unless she comes clean right that moment YOU are done with her. No need to mention emails, evidence, etc. Just tell her that YOU are done with her. She has one chance to fix this, but it will take real digging into what is up with her very likely through IC / MC.

Don't give her a chance to gaslight you. Just tell her that you are enforcing a no spin zone. She is free to go and be with whomever she wants, male, female, and anything in between... just not as your wife. End of story. If she wants to leave, it means that she was already on her way out or on her way to continuing the kind of behavior that has given you some many year of anguish. That's no way to live, my friend.

Best of luck to you.


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

My plan is to ask her straight out who this friend is that she will see when see is away. If she denies I will say lying makes it worse. If she continues to deny, I will tell her what I know but not how I know it. The last time she was caught she kept trying to find out how I knew. I think that was so that she might have an idea of what she can hold back. But if I keep it vague, she has no idea how much I know. I figure I can use that against her.

I have been thinking a lot about this and, if this is an A on any level - or even inappropriate contact - then I do not think I can handle her anymore. I think it might just have to be over. But then I think of the life we've built, the plans we had, our kids (who are step-siblings) etc.

This is so awful -for everyone here.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

IDK -

In my opinion, you are giving her too much leeway. I don't mean to be insensitive, but you really need to change approach with her.

Your current approach has given you many more years of suspicion, jealousy, diffidence. Again, she clearly knows how to manipulate you, leverage your love for her. Don't allow her to do that any more. Just tell her that you expect unconditional and unabridged truthfulness from her and that her choice in the next 2 minutes will determine the course of her life.

Be very serious and, most importantly, believe it yourself. Be ready to let her go and divorce her before talking to her. Approach this from a position of strength.

I know that this is is extremely hard. I had to appeal to all my strengths (not that I had much left) and just let my wife go, in spite of 2 kids together and a decent life that was going to unravel pretty quickly thereafter. I've never felt so empowered after I reached that state. I was ready, preferably with her, but I would have been ok without her as well. She saw that and realized what was about to happen and snapped out. It has not been easy, but without that, I doubt that she would have come out.

Best of luck


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
LifeisCrazy
Member
Member # 38287
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

^^^^^^^^^^^]
Frankier is spot on correct.

I have been thinking a lot about this and, if this is an A on any level - or even inappropriate contact - then I do not think I can handle her anymore.

C'mon. You know that the message you found was inappropriate... by anyone's standards. Unfortunately, this isn't a first time thing where she didn't realize what she was doing. Your wife has done this multiple times in the past and she knows - or damn well should know - that such behavior is completely inappropriate. Either she knows you're not going to do anything about it or, well, she doesn't give a shit.

I know how scared you are. Facing the prospect of ending the marriage is very scary. But remember, setting down the rules of your marriage doesn't mean it has to end. It just means that she needs to abide by them (as do you). She can disagree, she can even say, "No." But then she's simply stating that she's not in the marriage.... no?

See that's the thing about letting go of the outcome. It forces a wayward spouse to make a decision. But she doesn't get to have it both ways. And this is what she has had for a long time.

Force her to make a decision. Take a deep breathe and, as I said previously, you don't even need to show her your hand. YOU KNOW that she's acting inappropriately. And that's all that you need to tell her. She knows. And she will know that YOU KNOW.

Then.... the ball is in her court.

Strength, brother.


"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

Posts: 158 | Registered: Jan 2013
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

So sorry you are going through this. I remember that sick feeling in the stomach, and the ice cold hands. Worst. Feeling. EVER.

You've gotten great advice here already, and excellent support from some of the other BH. My two cents...

You know what is going on.
You know what you need to do. It isn't what you want, but it's what is necessary for your own sanity and self-preservation. She really isn't giving you any choice, because it seems your only other option is to continue living miserably the way you are while she cake-eats. I hope you realize that you are worth more than that treatment. You deserve so much better.

In regards to the emails you saw, is it a tablet like an ipad? If so do a screenshot and then email the photo to yourself.

((idontknow))

Sending hugs and strength.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

if this is an A on any level - or even inappropriate contact

There is no if about it.

I think you need to think clearly and stand your ground. I think you need to confront her today about this and just tell her she is not going away for the weekend. Plain and simple.

Watch her reactions and learn. Do all of this calmly. Your calm reaction to her might even scare her if you have usually shown worry or livid anger. Calm shows you have resolve and made up your mind that there will be no more of this idiocy and nonsense from her.

And do not tell her anything about how you know this information unless you really have to. Let her wonder for a change.

But it is time you make it clear to her that yes, she has a problem and her actions are not her own since they are affecting you in a negative way.

And you will help her with her problem, but that doesnt mean letting her run off with some woman who seems to be having an affair herself.

One thing...Do you know this other woman, have you ever met her?

Always remember, even if you arent religious, always have faith. Faith that it will work out for the best.


Posts: 3728 | Registered: Jun 2002
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Wow boy...

After reading your profile I hate to say it...but I think you have given her enough of your life and happiness. Its time to move on. She doesn't even deserve you!! Give her what she obviously wants (and deserves!) and set YOURSELF free.

I may sound too harsh by saying the following. (but I feel so much anger that she is doing this AGAIN to you.)

LEAVE HER. It really does boggle my mind (being a betrayed partner) that any of us can actually go through the HELL of the first A and then when it happens again...actually staying for a second (or 3rd or 4th)dose of hell! Once is enough!

I'm 8 months out from DDAY and its been the most stressful, emotionally draining, exhausting and painful thing I've been through in my life. I would never in a million years go through it all over again.

Obviously she has learned nothing from what you have already been though, and doesn't value you as a person. This is no way to live, and she doesn't deserve you!

At what point do we realize that repeat behavior means they aren't going to change!?

Sending you strength today!! :)


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

gypsybird87 - it is a tablet but I was able to take a photo of the messages today. Actually made me feel much better.

craig - I do know the other woman. I know she is terribly unsatisfied with her marriage. i know she at least had an emotional affair - perhaps more w- with someone. I don't trust her at all.

(***as a cruel aside, the emotional affair was with a friend of mine who I met with my ex wife who also cheated on me!).

I can't confront this weekend the kids are here and it will be bad. I also know my own way of processing these things. I need to think them through. I will be ready before next Thursday.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

IDK, everyone has to take their own time. I get that. But between now and Thursday I hope you give yourself permission to really let go of your desire to hold this M together single handedly (which is where you seem to be now). I hope you let go of the desire to give her some wiggle room insofar as her explanation of the message goes. There is no explanation she can give that can excuse it. None.

Your step kids may be able to keep a relationship with each other. Change happens and people adjust. Don't let the fear of it keep you in a bad situation. You are allowing your rights as a human (not even just as a husband) be trampled--the right to be anxiety-free, to feel safe, to be happy without looking over your shoulder.

Really try and remember how much more you deserve so that you feel strong enough to demand it and call her bluff when you confront. It is okay to make demands of a partner. As others say, she doesn't have to agree to them. But you have the right to set boundaries and enact consequences. You are not stuck.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

IDK -

This may be helpful...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
ginasister
New Member
Member # 41877
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:09 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I wouldn't sit and wonder. I would get proof because the not knowing will be the worst. I wouldn't make her stay home because I think that if she has the capacity or the desire to do this, you are too good for this. No one should be with someone so disrespectful. But you need proof. Put a tracker in her car, have a friend that she doesn't know follow her, or check up on her. Take control, you are not a victim.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: PA
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

idontknow

here is a novel idea.

Ask her to move out.

And when she asks why just show her the messages.

Tell her you have no trust in her anymore and you need her to make arrangements to leave the home you two share.

Then watch what she does.

Do not listen to her but watch what she does.

Does she cancel her trip?
Does she turn this around on you and make you out to be controlling?

Watch.

You will have your answers soon.

HM


Posts: 817 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

One new update. I determined that her girlfriend has met someone who she calls her muse. She says being with him raises questions about her current marriage. She clearly would facilitate an affair for my WS. In fact, when she mentioned this to WS, she thanked her for being non-judgmental. No doubt she would not judge WS for an A.

[This message edited by idontknow at 11:48 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Dealbreakers all over the place...

At what point will you look yourself in the mirror and realize you deserve better? When she's slept with another man? 3 more? 5 more?

Who cares whether or not she has been intimate with another - she has no respect for you! If she wants to live the single life, then let her. You cannot drag her back into a marriage. Why bother staying with her when there are literally millions of women elsewhere who would treat you better? Are you scared of leaving?

If adultery is not an issue where you are i would already have started the divorce process and have her served at her workplace. Expose the OM and her friend to her husband. Time to man start standing up for yourself.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Oct 2013
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

First of all, it seems that your wife has a habit of seeking extramarital relationships. Also, it seems that your wife has you figured it out pretty well. She discloses everything when you catch her, thus giving you the false sense of security that you know everything so you can start trusting her again. Once the trust has been reacquired, she starts all over again.

^^^This, he took the words right out of my mouth.

She knows how to bulls@#t you. She has no intention of changing. It is her lifestyle, these A's or inappropriate relationships or whatever, she dose not want to stop and she just waits for you to calm down and then she starts again.

I am so sorry, but there comes a point when you just have to walk away.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:08 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Sorry but this is gonna be tough on you. 2x4 here they come!

You are letting your wife walk all over you and have been allowing this for a long time. Your wife doesn't respect you.

I bet your W have ben having A's continiously since 2010 at least.

Why do you stay? She keeps disrespecting you all the time and you let her. Your W will not stop because she is allowed to push you over time after time. She has no reason to stop because you will Always stay with her and let her do her thing.

You have no M left and have not had one since 2010. You will never have one with your current W again either. Cut your losses and file for D right now. Then meet a new woman that have no baggage of cheating in her past and be happy instead.


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I''m going to be very blunt.

There is no point in confronting. Your WW has shown a history of this. Your story reminds me of my own situation. After dday#1 my WW was much more protective of her laptop and passwords. Eventually I was able to gain access to email because it was already logged in (sound familiar?). At one point I was struggling with what to do next when it hit me...I had done this all before.
I confronted. Nothing changed except she got more vigilant about hiding her activities.

You have given your WW a chance for R.
She has abused that is back to wayward behavior again. You only lack the details on how far it has gone. Does the extent of the betrayal really matter when you know a betrayal has happened? Especially when she was caught before and cannot feign ignorance of the pain and devastation.

My advice?
Don''t confront. Act.
If you can arrange to live somewhere else then move out. Find a lawyer and prep for D. Truthfully if you do confront, considering she has shown she will not commit to true R or be completely faithful, I would not be surprised if she opts for D herself. It seems like most of the time when the WS does it again they often choose to leave the M when they''re busted.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3711 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Oh my god I feel so sorry for you and I feel so angry at your WW and her friend as well for that matter.

I probably shouldn't be saying this on here but you would be SO much better off without her. She sounds like she is incapable of changing, and whether she has ever been faithful I really doubt.

I am so so sorry. I hope you find the strength here to get through this situation okay. Having children myself I admire you not wanting to ruin this weekend.

Thinking of you.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 186 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

IDK:

Your story is truly heartbreaking. Three different affairs over the course of two different marriages, and now this?

I wouldn't bother with the confront. Here is what I would do:

1) Call the hotel that you booked reservations for and ask them to put in a bouquet of flowers on arrival.
2) Call the florist and ask him to attach a copy of the D papers along with a card and a copy of the photo with the email you took.
3) In the card write: Happy D-day #2, bitch.
4) Packing all of her crap into hefty bags and leave them out on the front porch.

So sorry that you are here again.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
twisted
Member
Member # 8873
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

As kalimata said, and as I, being almost 10 yrs out now, should have done in retrospect, walk away.
My recommendation is to kick her happy arse to the curb for a minimum of at least for a couple of weeks. Let her get a grip on reality the hard way, and let you clear your head and get perspective to see if you want to continue the rest of your life with her.
If she thinks you're going to put up with this crap, she needs to realize you are not. If she's not willing to move heaven and earth to make this work, it ain't gonna ever happen. And even if she does try, it's not going to ever be the same.

At this point in your life, it's time to take care of and think about you. Life is to short to put up with this kind of bullsh!t.


"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Posts: 893 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Oklahoma
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

OP, it's very painfully apparent that you keep clinging to someone who clearly doesn't care about you or the marriage.

Are you willing to completely forsake your pride to cling to this woman? Do you know how that makes you look to her? It's quite clear already that she has zero respect for you. Hell, she's even told you at times (or one time, at least) that she's done with the marriage.

You didn't leave even then. Damn, if anyone told me they were done, I'd be out of that place so damned fast he'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. That's because I respect myself and won't allow anyone to degrade me or devalue me.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

You keep getting the SAME results. And that's because she knows you'll desperately cling to her like grim death no matter what she does.

And that is why she doesn't respect you at all. You look needy and desperate to her. Someone she can boss around, abuse emotionally, and cheat on over and over and over and over and you just keep coming back desperately looking for a pat on the head and a crumb of affection from her.

Until you find your pride and your self respect, this vicious cycle is never ever ever ever ever going to change.

I wish you stength and peace of mind.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 49