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Reconciliation
User Topic: I'm not seeing a changed WH
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 21st (Friday)

We're 4 months out and by all accounts WH is doing all the right things. He's remorseful, transparent, working at IC and all that. Here's the rub:

While many BS can pinpoint a point in time where the A started due to changes is WH's behavior, I can't really do that. Sure, with 20/20 hindsight there were subtle things, but he has always been attentive and romantic. Date nights, thoughful gifts, kind words, etc. have always been a significant part of our relationship.

Because of this history, I'm not seeing the big changes most BS see/feel with a truly remoseful spouse. We are commumicating better and I do believe he is being faithful, but I'm really struggling with not seeing the significant changes so many in R decribe.

In one way I'm fortunate that even the bad times felt good, but some days I still feel so totally blindsided by all of this. There's a song lyric he referenced:

"There's a man who walks beside me
He's who I used to be
And I wonder if she sees him
And confuses him with me.''

I know it would be devestating to him to hear this, but I don't see them as two different people and I'm unsure that I ever will. It scares the shit out of me. If he does choose to cheat again, will I even know?

Has anyone else felt this way and how do you make peace with the fact that the *during* WS and the *after* WS don't look that different from each other?

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 2:52 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
flayed
Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I don't have any advice to offer but I feel the same way that you do and I find it so confusing and painful. (((neverdidithink))) Sending you strength and clarity.

May God guide us and help us in these difficult times


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Are there changes that you want to see that you aren't seeing?
For me it's about communication. I always felt that we were a great team, excellent parents etc. but in retrospect I see how much I shouldered alone, I see that there were many things that I wanted to share with him but I wasn't allowed to. Now, everything is on the table. We discuss the hard things, the good things, the boring things, everything! I feel "connected" in a way that I never did in previous years.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Are there changes that you want to see that you aren't seeing?

No, Morehurt they're aren't. Comminucation is better than it has been in a long time with the lack of secrets everywhere.

I don't doubt his resolve to be faithful right now, nor his determination to R. I'm just really wishing I could SEE everything he assures me he FEELS right now since outwardly it all looks pretty much the same.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
RipsInMyChest
Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Neverdidithink....My H too!!!! He was great before....he's great now. He has no secrets so he says there is nothing he isn't sharing with me. How can I tell the difference between nothing going on and hiding something going on? All of the REAL changes are in his HEAD!

Glad to know I am not the only one that is unsettled by that!

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 6:18 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 245 | Registered: Oct 2013
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I'm just really wishing I could SEE everything he assures me he FEELS right now since outwardly it all looks pretty much the same.

Wow, my BW said the exact same thing to me in a rough MC yesterday. I feel like I'm handling things better, but: (i) I was good at faking during the A; and (ii) we agree that the negatives tend to make more of a mental impression, so I can be good for five days, but then get upset for an hour and BW remembers the hour.

In one of the popular books, the writer suggested keeping a chart that tracks the improved behaviors. I joked that it was like giving each other a gold star. Without joking, I see BW's point. I have taken it on myself to write down those times where I would have reacted or thought X before, but now I'm thinking Y. I have a little notebook to keep track. I have committed to telling BW about my notes every day. It might not be a perfect or permanent solution, but it's what we came up with for now.

WS need to realize that even if the insides of our brains are getting better, that the BS really need constant visible reminders of that. Especially in your (and my BW's) case, where you probably weren't unhappy with the M before.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I'm just really wishing I could SEE everything he assures me he FEELS right now since outwardly it all looks pretty much the same.

Wow, my BW said the exact same thing to me in a rough MC yesterday. I feel like I'm handling things better, but: (i) I was good at faking during the A; and (ii) we agree that the negatives tend to make more of a mental impression, so I can be good for five days, but then get upset for an hour and BW remembers the hour.

In one of the popular books, the writer suggested keeping a chart that tracks the improved behaviors. I joked that it was like giving each other a gold star. Without joking, I see BW's point. I have taken it on myself to write down those times where I would have reacted or thought X before, but now I'm thinking Y. I have a little notebook to keep track. I have committed to telling BW about my notes every day. It might not be a perfect or permanent solution, but it's what we came up with for now.

WS need to realize that even if the insides of our brains are getting better, that the BS really need constant visible reminders of that. Especially in your (and my BW's) case, where you probably weren't unhappy with the M before.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 380 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, February 21st (Friday)

RipsInMyChest, It's crazy making, right?


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 21st (Friday)

somethingremorse, the notebook is a great idea.

I don't want to dwell on the As, and WH doesn't want to bring up the subject for fear of mucking things up when they're good, but it is really helpful when to me when WH says something like "I'm grateful for this" or "I'm sorry I jeapordized this" when things are good.

Thanks, guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone feeling this way.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 9