User Topic: success in D, a small triumph
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I wanted to share a brief personal experience that some BS may enjoy.
Today my divorce was final. I picked up the papers and filed them with the county.
When you read this it may sound like a victory, and congrats to me. But I tell you it is not, feels nothing like that. What it feels like is my WW/our M was in a shocking accident that put her in a coma for two months. The wife I knew was no longer there, and so today the life support plug was pulled. Grief and relief, but no real victory.

Ok, now for the BS... My WW and I have been together for 30 years and married 20+. We have a little equity in our home, and modest assets. WW wanted to just walk away from everything. She said she would sign off. I said ok, no lawyers we would do it ourselves. I said that because not only would lawyers be a huge expense, it would make the situation adversarial and I would lose my home. In my state I ran the numbers and a standard decree would have hit me hard. WW makes 1/3 of my income, and my retirement is at least that greater than hers. I drew up a Marital Separation Agreement that stated she takes personal assets/debts and clothes. I keep the house/mortgage and contents, plus my full retirement. No alimony.
I got a call from the court office this week to pick up the paperwork, almost a month faster than expected. She said my paperwork was perfect. I had all ducks in a row.
Just in alimony alone, WW gave up six figures. I would have never been able to afford my home. No kids, but I keep our dog full custody as well.
Honestly, for WW this was compounding the mistake of a lifetime. She will now have a huge lifestyle downgrade and I feel she will suffer financially.

Ok, for all those that warned me that I must have a lawyer, I did it myself! Now, my caveat is kids, don't try this at home. My situation was very unique. Had I not acted quickly WW may have changed her mind. I still think lawyers are a good thing to have in most cases.

The conclusion to this? Maybe sometimes people that do evil get what is due them. Maybe more importantly that for once the innocent and righteous prevailed. Chalk this one up as one for all the good guys out there.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Yay for you!

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I'm sorry that it has all come to this 716, and I know how sad you must be. I am so relieved that this this all worked out for you though and that you get to keep your home and that the actual divorce itself went smoothly for you. Sending strength.

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44948 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I'm glad it has come to an end for you.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I had exactly the same sitch. My wxh walked away with nothing in order to have personal happiness. He is currently in the process of crashing and burning.

I'm happy for you.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Thank you for your comments and concerns.
mm special thanks for hanging in there with me for a long time.
I actually feel like a weight of uncertainty has been removed.
Also, part of my is high fiving because I did this... I rocked this D. Yeah, kind of feels good to own that. :)
A little surprised that so few responded. I thought this was good news, to see that sometimes good people come out on top and bad people get their karma. I may post something in General too. Because for me I drew strength from other's success.
Many, many thanks... now back to square one...

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

It is good news 716. Good for you getting it done and getting a settlement that is in your favour. Many times, especially for our male BS's, the outcome is almost a financial ruin. It's nice to see that once in a while we win!

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5521 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Off to new beginnings? Congrats. I am hoping the innocent and righteous will prevail another time---soon.

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain

Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Weekends tend to be slower, 716.

Congratulations on rocking your D.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25717 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Congratulations on getting this over with expeditiously and starting a new chapter in your life!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9821 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Your situation is a good example why we tell people to file right away... Unremorseful wayward aren't thinking straight after DDay and usually the guilt consumes them and they will tend to fork over their entitlements because they are guilty. Good for you. I am so happy the bitch got what she deserved... Nothing.

Same case for my situation. I didn't have a lawyer. Did a lot of research and reading, spoke to attorneys here and there to ask random questions. I gave my XWH a fair settlement - but I wasn't going to negotiate on custody and who claims the child on taxes. I won, my XWH got nothing out of the divorce except joint legal rights and a visitation schedule. I got everything else. Our situation was also different because we weren't married very long, so there weren't assets to split or anything since I closed all joint accounts prior to filing and we had no joint debt. There was no point in me paying an attorney and my ex was strapped for cash so he couldn't afford a fight. I was very fair which also helped speed everything up as I wasn't out to screw him.. If anything, I would have filed sooner. I waited 7 months after DDay. I should have filed for divorce within the first two weeks. Strike while the iron is hot.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

It is wonderful to here about this. So many male BS get such an unfair and sickening deal from divorce.

Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Thank you all. I hope I did not sound boastful or like I was pandering for congratulations. Rather, as I said so many times I have celebrated the triumph of others that it got me through tough spots.
It reminds me of the line in the movie Hoosiers, "Let's win this one for all the small schools that never had a chance to get here." In a way I feel like I represent BS who are waiting for the sun to smile on them for once.
For the first time in two months my life is not dangling in the breeze wondering if she will change her mind. The power has shifted and it is a huge relief.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Twice A Fool
Member # 33768
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Congratulations! You've won the divorce lottery!

Me (BS) 53
He (XWS) 56

"Give up hope of a better past"

Posts: 131 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Missouri
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Congratulations. It's posts like these that make it all worth while.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Getting an agreement early on is smart. Way to go and so happy that now you can start your own new beginning.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Sorry to hear that your M didn't work, but at least now you can get on with your life.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Good for you! The best advice I got was to hurry, and I'm sitting pretty now, all done through mediation. Truly, the best advice is not to wait. I would tell others, even if they hope the divorce doesn't actually go through, don't drag your feet during settlement.

D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I am very pleased for you.

Most of us aren't so 'fortunate' to have a WS that is prepared to take the consequences of their actions on the chin.

I'm sure you know what I mean when I say I envy you. No one on here is really envious of anyone else's situation. But you get the jist

Well done


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 718 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 24th (Monday)

The number one key I feel was the ability to keep emotions oustide of my decision making and interaction with WW. I made my actions based out hwat would benefit the outcome, not what I emotionally felt. We never really fought or argued.
I too approached her with love in my heart. That kept me from sabataging my future. Candidly I still love her. But that love will be placed in a rubbermaid tub along with memories of our M. Something I cannot hold in my heart any longer.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Member # 42137
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

OMG, I am so envious.

WH makes a third of what I make, just like your situation. He had the affair, just like your situation. Wish he had the balls to just walk away. I'd have some respect for him if he did that. But no, in the last few years, he has liquidated his pension (he's getting mine you know), has stolen $90K from our credit margin from under my nose (yep, I'm technically responsible with him for that debt), he made me pay for his move and security deposit (a 2K/month high-rise no less), or else he wasn't going to move. Already demanding CS (since the credit margin is now frozen), has not contributed any portion to the kids' tuition yet, and I am paying all the mortgages and household expenses. (Having a pity party here, sorry!)

You effing ROCK. It was swift and brilliant. I really really appreciate the art of what you did. Congratulations.

I am thinking though, it would hurt a bit to know she wanted out so badly that she would sacrifice all that just to get also have my compassion.


me 56
WH 57
married 19 years
separated since 8/2013
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 15 and 12
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 21