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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I didn't "meet his needs"
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Saw a text convo between WH/OW were she was telling him it was ok that he cheated on me because I wasn't meeting his (sexual) needs and wasn't listening to him when he tried to talk to me about it.

This was the same convo where he said to her, "other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband.".

I just want to say for the record, that the last time I tried to talk to him about the issues between us (which were far more than just sexual issues) I said, "can we please talk about what's going on between us?". His reply, "I want to have sex more often. There's nothing else to talk about.".

And he wonders and puzzles at the fact that I felt treated like an object during sex.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

"I wasn''t getting everything I wanted, and I didn''t care how I went about getting what I thought I deserved"

That seems to be the basic attitude of all waywards. They don''t deserve shit with that attitude.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1834 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Must be one of those WS handbook statements!I wonder if it helps them sleep at night?

When my then 18 yo D asked her Dad if he cheated his response was "Yes I was unfaithful but your mother didn't give me what I needed".

He was right that I did not give him what he needed which was a hard swift kick to his...(any body part).


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1620 | Registered: Mar 2004
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

And I think they tell themselves this so much they truly believe it. Good job justifying your behavior WS!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Sure, aside from breaking the most important essential vow of marriage, he tried to be a good husband. I guess cutting the grass and taking the garbage out on Thursdays sort of wipes out that whole fucking someone else issue.

What a couple of selfish, stupid assholes.

You were his wife, not a glory hole to be used whenever he got the urge. I'm glad OW is happy to be nothing more than a hole.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 8:16 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2766 | Registered: Jan 2011
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

You know what's sad about that, suckstobeme?

I think she already feels like her worth is tied up in the sex she provides to WH.

AND she knows that if she doesn't keep him satisfied sexually, how that's going to end...now doesn't she?

It's going to become a really tiring relationship, I think.

I feel sorry for her on a woman to woman level...only because she just got out of a long term abusive relationship, she's young, has no clue what boundaries are, has no clue what a healthy relationship looks like, and has no clue that WH doesn't know what one looks like either.

On a wife level? I'm watching for the Karma Bus to pull into her driveway.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

And YES to everyone else's comments as well. The rationalization is mind boggling.

How can WH not see that as, "when you are no longer meeting my needs I will feel free to cheat on you too!"....since OW seems to think that's a good excuse.

What is WRONG with people?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I think that's why all these OW end up being insecure, clingy wing nuts if the "relationship" lasts. My ex has a lovely studded collar wrapped around his neck. They KNOW that no one is special enough and the honeymoon phase never lasts long enough to sustain these waywards. They have that little nugget in the back of their minds always - over time, they realize, whether they ever say it out loud or not, that the ex was nothing like what the wayward described and the M didn't fail because it was all our fault.

I don't feel bad for them one bit. They know going in - much better than we ever did - what kind of a POS they are with.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2766 | Registered: Jan 2011
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I didn't know that we had the same WH!

Yeah, I heard that bullshit line as well. Well, he could have said, "You're not meeting my sexual needs, and I've tried to talk to you about it, but you won't listen. So, I'd like to get counseling/get divorced."

Where in the wedding vows does it say that when a partner doesn't satisfy another partner, that person may take another as his "spouse?"

Oh, yeah. It doesn't. Both of our idiot exes went straight for selfish, irrational option C: have an affair and blow everything straight to hell.

FTG. That is SUCH a trite, pathetic line. How many of YOUR needs weren't being met, nekorb? I can tell you that a bunch of mine weren't being yet, but I NEVER considered having an affair, ever.

Don't listen to that shit because that's all it is.

(((nekorb)))


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Oct 2011
whywhywhywhy
New Member
Member # 41852
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

i can relate and my wh says the same thing! too bad there was little love, care or even wanting to hear my voice when we were together it was all just "lets have sex"...well, dinner is cooking, kids are calling, i am still working (i work from home) but you want me to drop everything and do this now? i remember getting mad at him and saying- wow you treat me like i am a prostitute or something....little did i realize thats exactly what he was doing on the side

Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: ontario canada
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

AND she knows that if she doesn't keep him satisfied sexually, how that's going to end...now doesn't she?

He's a cheater. He's going to eventually cheat on her no matter how much she tries to keep him satisfied. Period. The whole "you didn't satisfy me sexually" is nothing but wordsalad.


My stbx knew the right attitude to have and words to say so that it wasn't completely obvious, but I was nothing more than an *object* to him. His constant "hey, we've got a few minutes <wink><wink>" got really, really old. I remember one afternoon, I had a to-do list that was planned down to the minute. But stbx was home and gave me the <wink><wink>, and I had been *trained* to not say no, but I told him that I had a lot of stuff that I had to do before the kids got home. He persisted.....so I said "Fine, but you need to be quick about it because I've got stuff to do." Pretty romantic, huh? He became one more *to-do* on my list. Checked it off and moved on......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

i remember getting mad at him and saying- wow you treat me like i am a prostitute or something....little did i realize thats exactly what he was doing on the side

EXACT same thing here. Exactly. I couldn't understand why I felt like I was being treated like a whore. After DDay when I got into IC, I'd cry to her that I felt like a hooker. After separation when I found irrefutable evidence that indeed he was into hookers, I suddenly understood why I felt like one. That's what he knew. That's how he knew to treat a woman.

And that was the first thing out of my IC's mouth, too, when I told her about my discovery.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9536 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

"other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband."

I almost spit out my coffee ...

They are just a bunch of idiots. My stbx actually wrote that I stopped having sex with him in his COURT DOCUMENTS!! I was so embarrassed for him! LOL! In all the seriousness of court documents he also actually wrote that he is so happy now because he can take long walks and play tennis.

It is so strange how much in common our WS's have. "Meeting his/her needs" is on the top 3.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Ha ha, SURPRISE me too with the "didn't meet my needs" thing!

When asked why he would do such a thing...cheat for 1.5 years with ashley madison whore...

he said, "I don't know, I must not have been happy, my needs must not have been being met, or I wouldn't have done this."

Oh, I see. So, if I had done MY job of making sure you are at all times 100% happy and satisfied, you would not have done this? makes total sense.

Let me tell you Mr. Integrity, my needs were really not being met either. When we did discuss the frequency of sex, I told you what you could do to get us on the same page- romance, intimacy, helping more, talking more, normal stuff women like- YOU got all huffy and righteous and said that I was making it "conditional" and that I should love you just the way you are and that pissed you off that I told you what I needed....
oh I am sorry the smell of your farts alone aren't enough to get me in the mood
Oh, I see, if you have to put ANY effort in at all, then it isn't so appealing to you and somehow it is EASIER to develop a secret double life than plan a few date nights, light a candle and unload the dishwasher?

God, I still wonder how someone so lazy managed to have and an affair for so long....


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

"other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband.".


How do they say this shit with a straight face?

This one line should tell you exactly how fucked up his wayward thinking is. I have no doubt the sad clown said the same shit and more to convince himself that he wasn't a POS, disgusting human being.

I have come to learn that the biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.

I had been crying, screaming, begging, pleading for years for him to tell me what was wrong. Where the hell did my husband go? I begged him to not grind this relationship into the ground until it was dust. He flat-out refused. There was no problem, he was just stressed at work. I was adding to that stress by demanding more of him.

He refused MC because he said it was the death-knell to an M.

Post-DD I asked him how he didn't think cheating was a death-knell. Why he didn't lift a single finger to either save the M or at least save us both the devastation of infidelity. Why didn't he set me free instead of setting me alight?

His only answer was that I didn't love him anymore.

He was right. I loved him well beyond him being deserving of that love but there was a point where I realised the love was gone. There is only so much emotional abuse, abandonment, criticism and rejection you can take before love leaves your body.

But I went down swinging. He went down with his dick in his hand. HE has to live with that, not me.

[This message edited by SBB at 1:41 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I wasn't meeting his (sexual) needs

It wouldn't have mattered. If not sex, you would have cooked the wrong dinner, ironed his socks wrong, bought the wrong toilet paper, etc. (These are purposely absurd examples) I got that crap too, not the sexual (which is very, very, very ironic, as he wasn't meeting MY sex needs), but other lame excuses. The major difference was that despite all of my unmet needs, I didn't have an A.

"other than cheating, I tried to be a pretty good husband."

See? I'm still such a good, caring guy. Please have monkey sex w/me, OW. Maybe if you give me enough bj's, I'll reward you by making you Mrs. Nekorb #2. Only an idiot would spout such nonsense and only a moron would believe it.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Please have monkey sex w/me, OW.

That's totally it too!! They go on and on to each other about all the injuries they sustained during their latest trist. They are so impressed with themselves.

Boggles the mind. I just read some of this stuff and think,"Who IS this man and why does he look so much like my husband?".

I often felt like WH was acting out stuff he saw in porn when he was with me and I hated it. Impersonal, doing things he *knows* that I don't like (you do get one freebie on that, because if you do something new and I don't speak up right then and there, that's in me, you know?). He would deny it though.

I know I wasn't perfect. It still doesn't mean I deserve this.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

There are those whose "needs" are so overwhelming that they can never be met in a relationship.

Most healthy people get thir sense of worth and validation from many sources: relationships, family, career, hobbies, social interaction. No one source is expected to shoulder the entire load. But a personality disordered person has a skewed view. They look at their "wants" and determine them to be "needs." Because they are disordered, they cannot be satisfied with what would satisfy a normal person. They are like a defective bucket with a bunch of holes--always blaming the water for not being filled.

My NPD-ex is a poster boy for this: moved 5 times in the first 8 years after separation/divorce, moved in with the non without the OW. Has bought and sold several cars, etc. he cannot be satisfied because he is hopelessly flawed and satisfaction must start with him dealing with himself, not applying the "balm of other."

He was always one to be seeking satisfaction in external means--always expecting the big screen TV or the fancy car to "complete" him. What a sad and lonely way to live.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29591 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

It wouldn't have mattered. If not sex, you would have cooked the wrong dinner, ironed his socks wrong, bought the wrong toilet paper, etc.

Or used too many cheeses in the lasagna!


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7180 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

^yes, what Catwoman said. That is the Dooosh, to a T. He was never satisfied with the life he had, let alone the one WE had. Always wanted something more, but could rarely figure out what.

Hated his job, his car, our subdivision, the drivers on the road, etc etc. It was a never ending list. He went looking for something that he will have to find within... And he wont ever do that because he cannot even recognize that he is the broken one!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3555 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Yes. What Catwoman and purple rose said.
Noting was ever enough.
We would buy something after tons of research but he would still be looking at the same item after it was already bought.
Big, huge red flag I missed.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Interesting observations about that always needing more thing.

WH has a thing for electronics/TVs etc. the new one will barely be free from its box and he will be talking about the next one he is going to get. I never understood that.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Right, my ex was a "things collector" she had so much stuff it took her four full days to move everything and there is still piles of junk in the attic and basement ive been slowly weeding through. She was and is a broken mess. Last night a friend of hers told me she was "having a hard time with the divorce" which was obviously her fishing for information. I told her i was not having a hard time. I was healing. And i didnt need my ex...was glad shes gone. The look was great, the friend was dumbfounded. Felt like pouring her a glass of kool aid.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

It is interesting about what you all said about "stuff." Already STBWXH has bought a digital antenna, himself a new towel (we have plenty of towels that he is free to take with him. In fact, I gave a bunch to him on his way out the door), bathrobes from a fancy hotel that he stayed in in relation to his job, toys for my son, solar panels for the camper, and I'm sure there are many, many, more items that I don't know about. I've also been doing "inventory" of our household goods. All of "my stuff" is either inherited or used. All of "his stuff" is new. One of his chief complaints was that he was tired of our old, ugly, inherited bedroom furniture and that he wanted something more "modern." I never understood how broken he is until I read everyone's words. Thank you.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

The lies and bullshit reasoning is the same in all the waywards. Whatever justifies their actions and makes them feel good knowing they are wrong. I have come to the conclusion my ex left our marraige years earlier and it was a slow painful death up to d day. The problems in our marraige after 19 years together were compounded ten fold at the end. Like a volcano ready to erupt. Then in a second it was all gone!! They can believe whatever bullshit they want we know the truth.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 631 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

LOL...thats bullshit. I got the same mess after the first dday. So I made it a point to do differently in that regard. 2nd dday he finally said it had nothing to do with me.

Saying someone doesn't "meet your needs" or they want to "have sex more often" is vague. Unless they listed some stuff and you specifically said "hell no, I aint doing that.." then those statements are a set up for failure. A WS cant get mad their BS didnt give them what they wanted when they never said what they wanted in the first place.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 11:20 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I also remember when we were first married and would have sex, right afterward he would say, "ok, tomorrow let's try this, or this, or this". That's when I started backing away from him,, I thought, "can this guy every be satisfied?" But, had a new baby so I didn't try to get us any"help".

Fast forward to 2011,,,he told EVERYONE who suspected he was having an affair that he could not be having an affair because his D***K wouldn't work anymore. THEN,,, when it was proven he was having an affair, he told the exact same people that I hadn't had sex with him for years (the same time as exhibit A stopped working).

Everyone thinks he is a joke (OW wanted him, she's got him) LOL


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jan 2012
Helen of Troy
Member
Member # 26419
Suspicious  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

:::raising hand:::: this was common with me too at time of separation and divorce

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Dec 2009
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Wow.

The commonality between the WSs is shocking sometimes.

I truly wonder if I will ever know what a healthy sex life with appropriate boundaries looks like or if I will ever have the opportunity to experience it.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Nekorb, you're 44? Yeah, I think you'll get a chance to have a healthy sex life


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I hope so, norabird.

Right now I can't even think about a relationship. I'm still in love with my WH. I'm still healing. I'm still fixing the things in myself that need fixing.

I'm not in a hurry. I'm taking "relationships" off the table until my kids are all graduated. (2016) I will re-evaluate then.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1832 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 31