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User Topic: Very confused and hurt
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

My wife of almost 10 years and I have 3 beautiful girls 7, 3, and 8 months. Like most marriages it's not perfect. I'm actually very quiet and kind shy especially when sharing my feelings. I love my wife very much and would do anything for her. The first year or so of marriage was great, sex was great, we totally were into each other and enjoyed each others company. As the years went by I began to feel like whenever I was around her or tried to touch her she would blow me off or I would get the cold shoulder. It's a miracle somehow we have 3 kids, we must hold the world record for conception percentage.

Anyway for the last month she's been acting weird and has password protected her iPad and phone. About 2 weeks ago when her phone was charging I noticed a text came through that said something to the effect of "good night babe". I never really gave it much though until yesterday when I got on our almost never used laptop. I noticed a Facebook tab at the top clicked it and somehow got on to her Facebook page. From there I spyed on her private messages.

Apparently she has been chatting with someone she went out with when she was 14, over 20 years ago. As I got deeper into the messages she kept telling this guy that she loved him and were soul mates and she couldn't wait until they could be together. But the most hurtful thing I read was her telling this dude that "I never really loved or cared about my husband ever" and she also told him that she gets wasted every night and pops a couple sleeping pills so shes not conscious while sleeping next to me.

Other messages I checked from other random guys from her past were filled with lies about us being separated. Even messages to her girlfriends were about going somewhere where she could hook up with him.

Sooooo.....I quickly copied and pasted and printed off about 75 pages of messages. When she got home I presented them to her and said she's got some explaining to do. After a brief blowup I took the kids out for pizza and ice cream. When we got home and the kids went to bed I confronted her and she had nothing to say. I got a little heated and raised my voice a couple times then went downstairs to sleep with the two older girls. About 15 minutes later I have the cops knocking on the door checking on a reported "domestic disturbance". And about 10 minutes later her friend who lives a good 25-30 minutes away just happens to show up. The cops wanted one of us to leave I refused to leave, so my wife took the youngest
And went to a friends house.

I have no idea what to do, I love my wife very much and my girls even more. The thought of not seeing them everyday has my head spinning in circles. The things she messaged about me to the "love of her life" can never be taken back and I'm one to never forgive or forget. Seriously I'm at a loss about what to do, I've never felt so small and hated in all my life.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

(((Golfguy)))

I just wanted to let you know you've been heard. I am sorry you find yourself here. Please read the Healing Library.

Also, if your wife is popping pills, you need to get those girls away from her. Make sure you hang on to what she wrote. You can also download her message history from Facebook. You may need it to protect yourself and your daughters.

This is a great place for support. (((Hugs)))


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Unfortunately she has since changed her password, she must have figured out how I got ahold of the messages. But I did print them out and emailed them to myself.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Good on you for not leaving!
Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) & keep it on you at all times.
Get several - hide them around the house.
Believe it or not, yours is not the first false-charges story on here.
You need to get into protection mode. Now.

See an attorney - get knowledge.

Maybe I sound harsh.
But it's not as harsh as being hauled off to the pokey, and finally getting out to come home to an empty house with no idea where your children are.

On the emotional side, we know what it's like to deal with the explosion of your life, brother. Keep posting!
YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS.
&
YOU CANNOT "LOVE HER" OR "NICE HER" BACK.

Take care of your own needs here. Stay hydrated. Eat what you can.
We will help you through this shitstorm.
Harness your anger.
Get proactive about protecting yourself.
Stat.
Golfguy))))))))


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
strangeasfiction
Member
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Golfguy - I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. The pain, anger and betrayal can be overwhelming, I know. Sending you some peace and strength. Take care of yourself and your kids.


Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Hey golfguy
You've been heard. So sorry you are in this situation.
Hugs to you and your girls.
Take care of yourself.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
reallyscrewedup7
Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Golfguy

You are not going to like anything that I post next, but you need to hear it and maybe when things get really bad (sorry to say they will get worse), you might return to them and realize you need to take positive action.

Your wife has checked out. You are now going to try to do everything you can to win her back. Show her you are better than her other man. You will try to be the nicest doormat in the history of the world. We know. We have ALL done it. And guess what the success rate of that has been in the history of mankind - roughly 0%.

What you need to do is start looking for a divorce lawyer. You need to separate finances. You need take a step back from the hurt and approach things how you would advise a close friend in your situation (in other words, detach).

Listen to JJ. Listen to the great advice you will receive. I know it will seem counterintuitive, but it will be spot on.

Now, as to why. Knowledge is power and brother, right now, you are POWERLESS. Your world has been destroyed and all it is a black abyss. But it is not. Believe me, it is not. Learn how to protect yourself. Learn your options. Focus on putting one foot in front of another, taking one bite, one drink of water, one hug from your kids at a time.

Now seeing a lawyer does not mean filing for divorce. But it means getting your feet back under you. Your wife is fantasy fuckland and would slit your throat if it meant staying there. Sorry, but that is reality for you. For her, she does not care about the destruction she inflicts.

Until it means consequences for her.

You think seeing a lawyer will drive her to him. Maybe. That would actually be the fastest way to end her fantasy. But I know you do not accept that.

But you need to start thinking that way. Otherwise, she is going to inflict far more pain on you. I am so sorry.

Strength and blessings to you. We are here for you.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 899 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
Aceofbase
Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

You others have said you have been heard. There is lots of great information here that will show you the correct way to handle these issues. They all share the proper way to handle things even if you don't believe them at first.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Listen to jjct here. Get ready for the bullshit battle that's coming up. Count me in as another victim of false DV allegations. You have only scratched the surface my man. Chances are she has been physical with some men. It also seems she and her shithead GF have had this planned out for a while now. Don't be stupid my man, get your ass to an attorney ASAP. Gather as much evidence as possible. I know its hard to think when your in an emotional state. But its imperative you protect yourself and your kids. She has fired the opening salvo of the war. Now you need to draw up a good battle plan and go on the offensive before its too late. She has had months to think about what she is going to do. You are behind the 8 ball in terms of what to do next. Be prepared for what's coming next. And don't think she is above claiming you have hit her or threatened violence against her. She is not the person you married and you need to understand that. Typically they claim DV to get you out of the house and to keep you from messing with the affair. It also gives them a legal leg up in divorce proceedings. The VAR is a must right now. Also if you can install keyloggers on any home desktops, tablets etc do so. Keep posting and reading bro. We are here to help you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5678 | Registered: Nov 2007
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Yeah I might be quiet but I'm not a doormat. I plan on seeing an attorney on Monday. I don't fuck around when it comes this this kind of shit. If she wants the other dude she can have him but she's going to be in for a few surprises.....I'm not saying I'm the perfect husband, I know I don't do much helping out around the house and could do more to help with the kids but I don't deserve this

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I'm not saying I'm the perfect husband
None of us is the perfect person/spouse.
I don't deserve this
You are damn straight you, or any of us imperfect spouses, don't deserve this shit.

Seriously, please take the advice about the VAR. Your WW has shown that she is not above using lies about DV and having the police involved. You need to protect yourself from false accusations. Please go out and buy a VAR (several) today.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:15 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Golfguy

Man, I know it's the hardest thing in the world to believe right now, but don't feel small and don't feel hated.

So many of us went through some version of this experience, and the immediate impulse to feel utterly worthless as a result of your wife's choices is nearly overwhelming.

But listen to me: your value as a human and worth as a man can not be assigned to you by your disloyal, selfish, immature wife unless you let it. She has proven to you already who the worthless one is. Time to prove her wrong!

The days, weeks, months ahead will test you-- even to the limits of your endurance. But believe me-- you will get so much strength and encouragement here. I wish I'd had SI when I has to go through my early marriage crisis! (The advice above from other survivors is better than you'd get from weeks with a marriage counselor-- and FREE!)

We're rooting for you. Stay strong, and be the absolute best father you can be for your children. They will be watching this through innocent eyes, and you will be teaching them whether you want to or not. As will your wife.

You can emerge from the stronger than you'd believe!


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Yeah I might be quiet but I'm not a doormat. I plan on seeing an attorney on Monday. I don't fuck around when it comes this this kind of shit. If she wants the other dude she can have him but she's going to be in for a few surprises.....I'm not saying I'm the perfect husband, I know I don't do much helping out around the house and could do more to help with the kids but I don't deserve this
.
.
.

Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

GolfGuy,

I'm so sorry you are here! And you are right, you don't deserve this. NO ONE deserves this.

JJCT is absolutely spot on. You need to protect yourself, and you definitely cannot love you wife back into the relationship.

As hurtful as it is (for you) it seems like the only way to get resolution is to distance yourself.

When I (hate to admit this) begged and pleaded with my WBF to stay and work on our relationship, it got me nowhere! He said he didn't know what he wanted.

When I finally stood up for myself and left, practiced the 180...That's when I saw results. And I'm not saying saw results because we are now in R. Even if he didn't change, I would of had my answer, and been moving on with my life.

I hope you find strength in the SI community. Everyone here is awesome. Come back often and write lots! We all want to help, and be helped. :)


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Good man. Strength is the only position of power in a circumstance like this, ESPECIALLY when she''s already pulled the DV card on the VERY first day that you find that you''ve been betrayed. It is absolutely unfair that at a time when you''ve had your world kicked out from under you, that you have to be your strongest, but nothing about this is fair. Nothing.

Get out and get a VAR (voice activated recorder). Get a couple. Keep one on you at all times because I guarantee that she will try to claim that you are violent again. Put the other one hidden in the place that she spends the most time car, family room, where ever you think she does most of her private talking on her phone.

She has a Ipad and Iphone? Do you? Research ways to recover the messages, especially if your phones/devices are linked on the same contract. And make damned sure that you have your computer locked down so that she cannot read what you are typing and/or planning.

Monday when you see the lawyer, you will want to find out how quickly you can have legal separation papers (if not divorce papers) served. You will want to ask for sole use of the house, physical custody of the children, appropriate child support and spousal support if you are eligible. Then go to any bank that is different than the bank that you are at now. Open an account and apply for a sole credit card. Transfer 1/2 of the money from your joint account into the new account, and cancel any joint credit card that you have. If you have direct deposit, change it to go into your new account. Once the papers are served and you have sole use of the house, change all of the locks and make sure that she cannot get in with a garage door opener.

Yes, all of the above is war. You are at war now, a very intimate and soul-crushing war. The one person that you should be able to trust to have your back has just driven a knife into it and her intent is to gut you as well, when you turn around in shock. You need to protect yourself AND those beautiful daughters of yours. The pod-person that is wearing the skin of your wife is not interested in anyone''s well-being but her own. It''s up to you to save what''s left of your family.

(((hugs))) I am so very, very sorry. I truly am. It really IS unfair, but if you let the unfairness of the situation bog you down, you will lose big-time. Remember, if by some miracle in one month, her head emerges from her ass and she actually GETS the absolutely hell that she''s caused, you can delay or stop the S/D papers. Until the judge signs the paperwork, you can back away at any time. The hammer needs to come down now and consequences need to be very stark. You can always open the barn door up little by little if needed, but it is very hard to lock it up to keep the livestock safe, if they already have stampeded out.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Skan is right. Get the vars to protect yourself.

Do one other thing.

Expose her infidelity to family and friends.

Show them what a liar she is as well as exposing the affair to the light kills it very often.

Show her consequences for her lousy actions.

HM


Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Spent the day with my 2 older girls......we went hiking and to the playground. When I returned the wife was back sitting at the kitchen table with two of her friends......boy you could cut the tension in the air with a knife. All of them just got real quiet and didn't say a word. It was seriously uncomfortable. I went downstairs and watched tv for awhile with my oldest, while my middle child stayed upstairs with my wife and played games on the wife's iPad.

I decided to take all 3 of the girls to my moms house for dinner, but my wife wouldn't let me take my youngest. I agreed. My middle child didn't want to stop playing video games so I took the iPad to my moms house. While at my moms house I remembered that when games are being played the iPad doesn't automatically shut down soooooo that meant it is unlocked.

As I logged onto her Facebook page I catch them in mid conversation (wife posting from her phone). It's like she's the damsel in distress she messaged "he just took off with the kids" his reply was "call the cops". At that point I jumped into the conversation and said "I don't know who you are but you have played a huge role in the totally destroying my marriage and you are going to be the reason why I'm not going to be able to see my kids everyday." He then typed who is this? I said it was Jay and I know everything and am getting even more info for my lawyer. Then I was cut off because the wife logged out and changed her pass word.

When I came home I confronted her about crying wolf about the kids and asked her if she really thought that I would just take off with the kids and not return. I said that I would never do that to her or keep the kids from seeing their mother. I told her that there was something wrong with her if she thought that I would do that to her. I also told her that she single handedly is going to ruin the lives of our 3 children there will be many memories that they won't have because of her.

I also emailed all the messages to my sister, my mom, and her mom just to make sure my side of the story is understood.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Question for everyone should I pack up all her stuff and kick her out?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I would wait till you see a lawyer for that question. she is in a complete fog and nothing is going to get her out of it till some real consequences hit her straight on. Wow just wow! She is not only lying to you but to the OM as well. The others on here have given you some great advice. She might play hard ball with you too. You need to be one step in front of her! This is when you have to be really strong and put your feelings behind you for a bit. I know this is really hard because you are totally hurt and betrayed by someone you loved and completely took you off guard. This could become a total shit show if you don't do what the others have said. Take their advice its all very good. Some of us had to learn the hard way. I will have you in my prayers and hope that all goes well at the lawyers on Monday.


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I also intercepted her saying that she is going to the lawyers on Monday....she is a teacher and will have to take off from work or go after work.....I will be at my lawyers at 8:30 hopefully I believe the gravity of what she has done is sinking in......she's just sitting around the house with a depressed look about her face, whenever I pass by her she is on her phone texting....I'm assuming its new dude. She's in for a surprise when the company phone she uses is turned off.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Question for everyone should I pack up all her stuff and kick her out?

You can try, but legally, she is entitled to stay at the house. That is why the others here are urging you to get some voice activated recorders---to protect yourself. As outrageous as it may seem, as much as you would have thought that it could never happen to you---so don't put it past your wife to make false accusations to get you legally removed from the house.

You saw her conversation---she is like someone you don't even know. We tend to call them "pod persons", because it is like some alien has taken over their body. Just unbelievable.

But I am a fan of you packing her shit, and putting it at the door. It shows that you are serious, and won't be pushed around. Remember, as screwed up as your emotions and thinking processes are at the moment, they don't even compare to the fuckedupness of your wife's. Not only was she out in fantasyland, but it has now been detected, is starting to crumble, and like stronger08 stated earlier, will slit your throat to protect it. Have no doubts about how far she can/will take it.

One more thing---Skan mentioned earlier that this is war. It is, in the effect that you and your children have been assaulted. You have to protect yourself. One of the most important lessons to learn here is to never reveal your sources. As difficult as it may be to hold your tongue, try to never give her an idea where you discovered information. Like the facebook conversation....just stay anonymous and gather information. It will benefit you in the long run.

Who knows? We have had members reconcile under what started off as worse circumstances. But you cannot wait and hope for such. What you can do...and need to do...is take care of yourself, and work on removing yourself and your children from this toxic situation. If your wife was to have her "aha" moment, and work on righting the wrongs, THEN you can consider if you even want to attempt reconciliation. But as of right now, you are nowhere near that point, with no signs of any change. For that, I am sorry.

Stay strong, friend. keep reading and posting. You will be surprised how much this forum can help in your decision-making, and recovery, process. Good Luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2054 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I see no reconciliation in our future....I don't forgive and never forget about things like this. I was partners in a business with a guy who was cheating on his wife. I'm no longer involved in the business and am no longer friends with him. Unfortunately this involves me and is a thousand worse.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Bro you need to thread lightly around her in the next few days. Avoid as much contact with her humanly possible. I got a bad feeling she has been setting up this exit plan for quite some time. She already has started with the abusive husband bullshit. Why do you think both of her GF's were there ? She wants witnesses in case you yell at her or something like that. My XW did the very same thing. By the time the bomb was dropped on me she had the whole scenario played out. I'm telling you dude this bitch is setting you up for a fall. Don't be surprised if you get served with a RO and are forced to leave your home. Stop letting her or the OM know what you have on them. Never tip your hand around them. It will only motivate her to start making false claims that much sooner. She is looking for a way to come out of this smelling like a rose instead of the slut she is. And if that means its at your expense, so be it. Be very careful till you see the lawyer and make sure he knows everything. Follow his advice to the letter. Afterwards you need to expose her and the OM publicly. She has already started to stain your reputation. Its time to fight fire with fire. Did you ever get that VAR ? If not do so today and start gathering all of your evidence and store it somewhere safe away from the home. That VAR just might keep you out of jail, so get one today. Good luck my man and play this smart.

Edited to add. If you think the law is going to be on the side of the truth your sadly mistaken. All a woman has to do is claim you hit her or are making threats. That's enough for the police to arrest you and/or serve you with a RO. In DV situations they always side with the accuser and your guilty till proven innocent. Trust me I know, I was kept out of my home for almost a year. All the while I had to make my financial obligations to a home where my XW was screwing her OM, in my damn bed. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Be prepared for anything.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:56 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5678 | Registered: Nov 2007
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

As dire a situation you are in and as determined you already are in not reconciling with your wife, I would just go ahead and tell your lawyer to file Monday morning. YOU get the jump on her with the filing. She may claim DV now and in the near future, but you are the one to file first. There's a reason why your WW is going to a lawyer ASAP. It fits into her "narrative" she is constructing about you and DV.
Get those VARs out in the house and her car ASAP. Like, buy the damned things NOW.
Next time you get a opportunity to get into her FB account or her phone, keep it quite and just collect information. Find out if that douchebag OM has a wife or girlfriend. You'll want to tell that person as well a little later, but for now protect yourself.

Stay as calm as you can at home when your daughters are there. Keep being their father. Don't change your routines with them. As this shit storm gets worse, they need to turn to the one sane parent as their rock. That is you. They will also be your character witnesses. It's important you stay consistent being the father you have been to them. They will see through the bullshit your WW will try to paint you with, as she tries to coach them and fill their heads with falsehoods about you. Remember, action speaks louder than words and consistency will be the fog horn for them to help you and your girls navigate through the bullshit fog your wife is in and wanting spread.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 525 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Those friends were there to serve as false witnesses.
The only reason you're not in jail right now?

Your 2 older girls.

Tread lightly indeed. You should not utter one word to her.


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

If this was me her co-conspirators would not be allowed to set foot in the house. They have assisted in destroying a marriage.

Your wife wants their support - fine, but not under the roof where your children sleep.

Do you have the identity of the other man yet or did I miss it?


Posts: 180 | Registered: Oct 2013
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Actually yes I know his name he texted me that I was a piece of shit yada yada yada......he also tried to call me I refused to answer and blocked him from my phone. Homie don't play that way....if I did he would get a baseball bat across the back of the neck, in my younger stupid days maybe but not now.

It's funny this morning she said something about ever being able to work it out to save our little family.....she was pressing me for an answer. I told her why do you need a back up plan if I say no.....I know that everything I say she is going to say to her friends and her little boyfriend.

I also spoke to my lawyer who is a friend of mine he told me to slow down gave me some legal advice urged me to not use the recorders and try to at least talk to her and discuss the situation and see what we want to do......


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Your relationship with your lawyer is irrelevant. Your wife called the cops. End of. The number of men who have been screwed over because of false DV is frightening.

After that move, you should record as much as you can if only to protect yourself. It is better to do it and not need it than the reverse.

Sent a PM.


Posts: 180 | Registered: Oct 2013
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Hi

Sorry you are here. None of us want to be in this place.

As everyone has said before, you can not nice your WS back into the marriage.

When everyone first finds out, there are a lot of emotions flying about. This is understandable given the situation. I believe these emotions lead to a lot of the fighting.

When you take the emotions out of this, there is one very important question that you and WS must answer and be honest about.

Do you both want to stay married to each other?

If you both want to stay married then there is a lot of work to do, starting with NC with the OP.

If one of you does not to stay married (it takes 2 not one to make a marriage work) then your WS and you need work out how to wrap up your marriage with as few as scares. An if it does go this way then read to the 180 to help you withdraw from the marriage.

One thing I have come across from reading on the site, is the number of WS who have come across their soul mate after they are married. If they were truly honest with their spouse, they would dissolve the marriage and be with their soul mate. But instead they are not honest and carry an affair.

It is time for you and your WS to be honest with each other about the future of your marriage.


Posts: 158 | Registered: Mar 2007
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Dude, I know that your lawyer friend is probably advising you to take it easy, see what happens, don''t record your WW, etc.

Normally, this would be good advice. If your WW had expressed remorse, vowed to do whatever possible to make this up for you, given you all of her passwords, etc, then this would be great advice.

She''s tried to have you ARRESTED. She brought HER friends in to ambush you. She accused you of stealing your children to her boyfriend! The man that she is intending to REPLACE you with as both husband AND father to YOUR children.

I repeat. This is war. This is the most intimate war that you will ever fight and if you do not fix your eyes on victory conditions, on the goal, you will get screwed. She''s fired the opening salvo right at your heart. You better make the return fire count or she will strip everything that you have from you your family, your home, your finances, everything. Your lawyer friend is giving you advice meant for a couple who are on the fence about if this is what they want or not. She is not on the fence. She is on the other side, aiming a gun at your head. Please. 0800 tomorrow morning be sitting in a lawyer''s office with your list of demands and File! If it''s your friend, remind him that you can stop this at any time but for the sake of you and your daughters, get moving and protect yourself.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Skan picked it up very well. No offense to your lawyer friend, but he's wrong.
Let us know how it goes with your L GG))))
Stay safe.

Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

if you do not fix your eyes on victory conditions, on the goal, you will get screwed

What is your goal?


Posts: 158 | Registered: Mar 2007
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

urged me to not use the recorders and try to at least talk to her and discuss the situation and see what we want to do.....
Your lawyer friend gave you bad advice. Very bad advice. Unless it is against the law in your jurisdiction to have a var on you (and I doubt it is) then you should never be without one. Considering the potential for false DV charges I cannot think of a good reason for this "friend" to not advise you to protect yourself. I would not confide in or seek the counsel of that person again. There is something not quite right there. Something not right at all.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3884 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

That my friend is the million dollar question......I think my goal in all of this is to get my kids into a normal living situation. My wife and I have been very civil today and just had a serious conversation....I think she's scared shitless about me going to the lawyer which she should be. Tomorrow I'm going to explore my options with my lawyer figure the best plan of action then go forward. Like I said before I don't forgive and never forget.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Good luck today with your attorney.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5678 | Registered: Nov 2007
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I honestly expect you to be arrested at any moment, followed by a restraining order. Its so very easy for your wife to have you evicted from the house and away from your children. She may very well be carrying around a VAR herself, to record your losses of temper or any threats you may make. Her friends will be quite willing to lie on her behalf and claim you have made threats. After all isn't that what friends are for.

When you have been evicted from your home and separated from your kids, OM will move in as the new daddy and your misery will truly begin. Your toughness won't count for diddly-squat when she uses the law to get what she really wants.

Listen to stronger08; your wife is much closer to being your worst enemy than your best friend.


Posts: 1722 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Hey Golfguy, I have read through your thread this morning and don't have any advice to add. Wanted to know that you can add one more to team Golfguy. Good luck at the attorney this morning. I'm pulling for you.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I also thing that a VAR is a good idea. Your WW is the ememy. I know that you want to be civil and she still looks and smells just like your wife...but she has already tried to set you up!

She has shown you what she really thinks of you through her actions, fornicating with a stranger, lying about it, trying to blame you, using the kids like pawns, calling the cops on you...Believe her.

The VAR will help you twofold, one to make sure that she cannot accuse you of abuse and two she will slip when you are not around and try to communicate with her POSOM. It will help you to gather info.

Right now she is not the same woman that you married. This is war, you can be civil as you would be to someone who has blown up you and your kids lives. Be careful man!

Good Luck today Golfguy. I hope your lawyer gives you a good stratagy to protect yourself and your kiddos. Sending you strength and clarity.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)

As the years went by I began to feel like whenever I was around her or tried to touch her she would blow me off or I would get the cold shoulder. It's a miracle somehow we have 3 kids, we must hold the world record for conception percentage.

Sounds like the marriage has been over for a long time.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8099 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Unless the advice concerned living in one of the 12 jurisdictions that require disclosure of recordings,
http://www.detectiveservices.com/2012/02/27/state-by-state-recording-laws/
this friend was just giving relationship advice, and poorly at that. It was not prudent legal advice to dissuade you from protecting yourself with recordings.

I too am concerned about future false DV allegations.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 386 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Hoping for the best for you today and keeping you in my prayers.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Snowy
Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 24th (Monday)

That my friend is the million dollar question......I think my goal in all of this is to get my kids into a normal living situation. ..... Like I said before I don't forgive and never forget.

Knowing what your end goal is a big step. Sometimes when we discover the affair we are frozen by the fear of what has happened.

Don't get sucked into needless arguments. If you feel any anger coming out, get out and do something physical. Go for a run or go to the gym and the grap out of a punching bag


Posts: 158 | Registered: Mar 2007
Golfguy
New Member
Member # 42556
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

So I've waited to post for a few days. I went to see my lawyer who is also a respected friend of mine. We talked man to man and client to attorney. We went over the options I have.... We figured divorce, legal separation (he talked me out of that) or just kind of chill for a little bit. Get back on speaking terms with the wife and for us to talk about whats going on. As much as I want to just kick my wife on to the streets right now and how angry and hurt I am she is the mother of my three children. There is nothing I want too see less than to see my kids living with some strange dude. It would kill me. We have agreed to go to marriage counseling next Tuesday. Like I've said before I know that I have my sort comings as a husband and as a father but I truly love my family and will sacrifice just about anything to keep us together. My wife swears she didn't have her friend call the cops but I think her friend did it on her own.

Has anyone been to counseling? What should I expect? Has anyone been successful in helping their marriages? I don't expect to have things worked in just a couple of sessions but does anyone know how long or when we will figure out if we want to try to make repairs?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Hi golf guy, I just got caught up on your situation. Honestly for my H and me, what helped us the most was for us to go to individual counseling separately. If she is remorseful & willing to take an HONEST look at her behavior, MC might help. If she wants to waltz in with a closed mind & closed ears, it's a waste of time. Good luck; I wish you the best.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6779 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, February 27th (Thursday)

Yes GG, There is no point in MC if she is still in the 'FOG'. Don't waste your cash.

Maybe down the line you can get some MC but first start with IC. Actually MC might be harmful is she goes in there blaming you for her A.

You need to see some true remorse. LIke she is so sorry to have blown up your family life, not regret that your figured out that she had fucked you over. There is a difference.

Save your cash, when you see true remorse (and you will know, trust your gut) then its time to see a C together.

Good Luck and please protect your heart.

GTH


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, February 27th (Thursday)

Counseling is fine as long as it doesn't turn into a blame shifting exercise. Your WW may use the meeting to analyze all of your faults and declare that you are essentially to blame for the affair. Might even expect you to issue a sincere apology.

Right now the most important issue is to draw firm boundaries. You tell your wife that you are strongly considering divorce unless she immediately ends the cheating. If that doesn't work then the end of the marriage is in sight.

You need to avoid what she will gravitate towards; the soul-destroying affair within a marriage. Your WW carries on with the adultery, and you live together, just for the children, as mere house mates. That can go on for years and will strip you of all self-esteem.
Now is the time to be tough and strong. You must be able to control your own future.

[This message edited by OK now at 4:31 AM, February 27th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1722 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 46