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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: How do you deal with OW, OW friends and kids?
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Hi,
I know this comes up here a lot, but my short term memory is crap. At the time I saw the posts, I wasn't yet worried about the OW meeting my kids

....now I am worried as my STBX is already introducing my kids to friends of his OW that have kids the same ages. He told my kids that these people were "good friends of his, former clients" and of course I don't believe anything he says, so I checked it out and OF COURSE these people are his whore's friends. Now his "good friends" too.

My kids are spending time with these people. They come home and talk about them. My kids are 8 and 10, young but whip smart, good EQ. I haven't said much of anything about these people when the kids talk about them, just listen mostly.

It is only a matter of time before he starts bringing OW around.

What the frickity f**K do people do when their lovely STBX introduces the homewrecker to the kids whose home they wrecked? I know I am supposed to take the high road, but it seems soooooo shitty selfish that my STBX would make my kids be around the woman responsible for all the shit they are going through as a result of his and her actions??

I need to prep myself for this one....How do people handle it??


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

My kids are older- 25,22,20 and 15. I worry about their first encounter with OW. The older 3, at least have the means to stay or leave whatever/whenever that situation happens. DD15 is a different story. I do plan to have the older 3 tell her that if there is ever a time she needs out of an awkward situation, they will be there for her.

With little ones- I have no idea. I'll be watching this thread to see what people add because even though My kids are older- it's still going to get under my skin that OW sees my kids, does things with them and holds my grandkids!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Been there, done that, got the scars. Xpoopsmear left me for the other woman, immediately married her and the very first weekend he returned from his deployment (which is where he met her and when he left me) he picked up the kids and had her in tow. My poor kids had told their father goodbye anticipating him returning in a few months and us building a house on the 10 acres of land we had just bought the week before he deployed and then had their entire world destroyed. They had no chance to adjust or have any sort of discussion with their father and he throws her in the mix. And unfortunately there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. My kids were 6, 8 and 10 years old at the time. The best you can help for is that she is good to your kids. Unfortunately in my case the things the ow/nw did were very covert. She would ask them questions like who their favorite parent was and then follow it up with discussions about how her mother was psycho and crazy and abusive and how her dad was the bomb and how dads were best.

She would repeat back to the kids things that XPoopsmear had told her about me… Things designed to make me look crazy. Of course the bitch wanted to drive a wedge between my children and I.

I just want to give you hugs because it sucks, it's not easy, but it's a waste of resources to try to fight.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

You listen to your kids, pray she treats them right, hope their father can see and put their needs before OW. Then when the kids are asleep you crawl into the shower turn it on and cry!

It's damn hard to do.

Your kids are smart. When they are teenagers they will ask if he cheated, my counselor advised me not to lie to my kids. My XH/NW were doing enough lying. I was told to tell he truth and if necessary, have proof.

It sucks,

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5270 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Ugh, I wish I had some advice other than just having to eat humble pie. It's awful, no matter how you spin it. I hope she's kind to them. Are you sure they haven't met her since they're seeing her friends?

Hello Kitty appears to be kind, however I think many if her acts of kindness is her just trying to twist the knife. I just have to hope in time that my kids will see through her charms and know her for what she is.

Just be sure to keep the communication open with them. It's hard when they come home talking about how fun she is, etc. I do sometimes have to gently change the subject as I can't take anymore, but I don't want her to be afraid to talk about her. I want to know what's going on in case it ever does turn bad.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 920 | Registered: Mar 2013
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

You need to take a deep breath and trust the your STBX will do the right thing by your children (I know this is ironic).

All you can do is listen to your kids and anything that is a major concern bring it up with the ex. But only major things otherwise you are fighting the kids battles for them and it's something they have to learn to do on their own. You can only protect them so much. It's hard to let go of that mother bear instinct to protect your babies though.

My advise would be pick you battles, think about if the roles were reversed what you would do as well.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Listen to your kids.

Think about it from their point of view...they are in a shitty ass situation. More importantly, they did not choose this.

Always be available for your kiddos to talk.
If they say they had fun with OW, you say, "Wow, that's great. What did you enjoy?" Always make it about their feelings, their interests, their lives.

Stripper whore is trying her damndest to play mom to Teslet. But here is where she fucks up, she makes it about herself...she makes it about me...she makes it about getting ex-shat's validation and approval. None of it is actually about Teslet. Kids get that.

As long as you always remember that your kids have their own personalities, needs, and desires then you don't have to worry about OW. Their 'family' dynamic is instantly fucked up with all sorts of other things going on instead of just being a good parent and guiding kids into adulthood.

So come here and vent, cry in the shower, take a kickboxing class...but with your kids, you have no choice but the high road.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4684 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Thank you for the support and advice!

Did any of your kids come out and ask you if OW was the reason for the D, and if so, what do you say??

My kids will figure it out quickly, and I know they will ask me.

I know I CAN"T this...but this is what is running through my head: "Well, this filthy,worthless whore was trolling around looking for a married guy to F**K on Ashley Madison, and Daddy was also on there looking for people to have sex with, because he didn't want to help mommy with the dishes, and then they met and had sex and then they feel in real LOVE. Daddy was having a secret romance with her, when he said he was at work and out watching football and going on trips without us...he was with her! Now you have two bedrooms, and Mommy has to go back to work and you have to go to after school care and no more fancy vacations, and you get carted back and forth and he buys you lots of shit because he feels bad about it, but not bad enough to actually put your needs first...just bad enough to buy you new shoes every time you see him. He wants you to be happy for him and this new lady, this lady whose vajayjay is SOOO important that the rest of us had to give up our old lives and family for it. But, he wants you to LOVE her too, and all of you to spend time together as a new little family...except without mommy because she is bossy and mean and bitter.

sorry, I have a SICK sense of humor....helps me cope


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

You do nothing as there is nothing you can do.

It sucks in every way. It's like so many other situations in our society where the victim continues being victimized because the perpetrator has "rights."

They're allowed to blow apart a family and behave as disgustingly as can be, but they are still "good" parents who have the "right" to force the kids to visit. They have the "right" to bring whomever they want into their children's lives, and the only way you can prevent or limit visitation is if you can prove that your XS is a known drug dealer who brings home prostitutes around the children and also physically abuses the children... and even then, I'm sure that the perpetrator has "rights."

Sorry, that was a ranty t/j. I wish I had better advice for you. The best you can do is hold your head up high, be polite but neutral when your kids talk about the OW, and stay as NC with your STBX and the OW as possible for your own well-being. And prepare yourself-- your STBX is going to expect you to fall in line with his delusional plans, and when you don't, there will be some fallout. I honestly think that my XWH thought that, some day, I would become besties with CommandOwife "for the sake of the children," or at the very least, we'd be able to endure some polite conversation with each other as we sat together at our children's functions.

Keep posting here. This has been such a great place for me to ask advice and to blow off some steam once my XWH brought his AP into my kids' lives.

ETA: Your interior monologue is so much like mine (including the Ashley Madison part and the fact that I had to return to work). I did tell my kids age-appropriate truths when they asked me direct questions. My eldest asked me two summers ago: "Mom, did you and Dad get divorced because of [CommandOwife]?" I told him yes. It took him a little while to digest that, but then more and more questions started coming. My kids' counselor said I handled that exactly right, so don't feel that you need to be responsible for keeping your STBX's image shiny. As long as you don't editorialize or tell the kids more than they need to know (like about AM, for example... I told my kids that they met online), then you are showing them that they have one parent they can trust, and they will know who has their back.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 7:38 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 9