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User Topic: Double and triple takes on women. Help.
kayaker55
Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Am in Hawaii for vacation. Many beautiful provocatively dressed women on the streets. FWH taking second + looks. I am feeling stressed and vulnerable. Before finding out about all his duplicity this never bothered me. But suddenly I have a pit in my stomach. He has been the model of R. I hate this, makes me feel crazy.
Gawd, this crap takes a toll on self esteem. And I want to be a strong woman.
Could use a hug.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

(((kayaker55)))
Breathe and try and enjoy the vacation. I was stationed in HI. Yes, the Hawaiian women so beautiful that I found myself, completely heterosexual, in awe. Just take a deep breath and remember that he is in R with you and not them. If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't.
And enjoy the mai tais! Aloha!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
kayaker55
Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Thanks Still.
It just happened so fast on our way back from dinner. Woman in a lace dress. Not sure he even registered he did it. I sunk like a stone, heart racing, went quiet. Ouch.
Wow, this sucks.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)


I'd have been too busy looking at the gorgeous men to notice him looking at the women!
Which island are you visiting? If it is Oahu, I can recommend some great places to eat and visit!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
kayaker55
Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Yep. 35th floor of Hyatt Waikiki overlooking the ocean.
Different me looking at the dudes, I don't have a history of porn, strippers and hookers.
This is a mind f*ck. I gotta get a grip!


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I hope you called fwh out on it.
If you like Thai food, the BEST place, though all are pretty hood, is Souvaly's on Kamehameha Hwy down the street from the Pearlridge mall. And the best luau is on North shore at the Polynesian Cultural Center. I always got the mid grade package, but would upgrade the evening show to front row seats. The show is amazing, and definitely worth the price of the upgrade. Their are also some great tourist snorkeling trips to take. If you are staying long enough for diving classes, Google dive bitches. They are the best run, IMO, on the island. If I think of anything else I'll pm you.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:03 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Take advantage of the beautiful surroundings, that aren't in human form. I was so in awe of the ocean, fish, and sea turtles, I don't think I even noticed the people. Rent some gear and go snorkeling. I'm not an ocean swimmer but when I was there, I felt like a mermaid, I couldn't stay out of the water. There will always be some young thang strutting around but he's there with YOU. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your vacsy.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5037 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

So then nobody but me thinks that it's disrespectful for one's unfaithful husband to be openly ogling women while out with his wife?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

((kayaker55))

So then nobody but me thinks that it's disrespectful for one's unfaithful husband to be openly ogling women while out with his wife?

I believe it's disrespectful and hurtful.

a history of porn, strippers and hookers.

That certainly helps put this double/triple take behavior in perspective, especially when women have been viewed as objects and/or business transactions.

While you should most certainly enjoy your time there, taking in the scenery (you can only control you)

I'd call him out on the disrespectful behavior. Whether he is consciously aware of his behavior or not, it's been pointed out that there is beautiful scenery (not women)... that HE could be taking in. If he is there with YOU, he should be there with YOU with his eyes as well.

You deserve to enjoy this vacation. If that behavior is casting a cloud over your enjoyment, it is appropriate to voice the discomfort it causes. Let him him know that it does not go unnoticed and allow him to assume responsibility for his wandering eyes.

((kayaker55))



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I'm sorry that cast a cloud over this awesome vacation.

I'm not in R, but I have to believe that working on R means communication about these things. I don't know if he meant to do a double take or not, but he should be told that he did it and how it made you feel. If you are this upset - and I would be too - over this, then you're just doing your own version of rug sweeping if you let it slide and not voice your concerns and your pain over it.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2794 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

It IS disrespectful!
My husband did this for a YEAR after Dday. I didn't understand why, after being caught in two affairs, he didn't think women woulda kinda be off limits? He was an idiot about it and I called him on it all the time - crying fights over it.
Now, he doesnt' do it. I will NOT put up with this, nor should you.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4922 | Registered: Dec 2010
stillhere09
Member
Member # 24924
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)


(((kayaker)))


Me-50 BW
Him-55,STBXWH

Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Ohio
totallyconfused1
Member
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Did you give him a sharp elbow in the ribs?

I'd certainly say something to him about it. At least when we were back in the room alone.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Definitely tell him that it is hurtful and disrespectful to you.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7644 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

He has been the model of R.
Not if he's doing triple-takes.

You may be in a beautiful setting, but that does not give license for hurtful and disrespectful behavior.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8683 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Oh! I am so sorry that this has happened while you should be enjoying a vacation, and the person you are with. I have been in the same position and hated every minute of it, to my core. A trip planned to Paris w/ WH was cancelled at the last minute once and I was actually GLAD because of the specter of WH's head swiveling in the direction of every attractive young female within eyeshot. And its immediate effect on me.
This may be an issue that is particularly painful to those who have endured betrayal with a prostitute. After all, there is no individual woman who has captured your WH's attention. I feel unsafe everywhere. Anywhere there is a provocatively dressed, hyper sexualized female.
Please do not endure this assault on your self esteem. I have had many conversations about this behavior. I have likened his leering and staring to 'slapping' me. It hurts. I have told my WH that if he cannot CONTROL this behavior, it sends me the message that he is still in the mindset of 'women are objects that I can buy and use for my self gratification'.
I'm glad that you posted. I hope you can get your viewpoint across and enjoy the remainder of your vacay.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 465 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I think it's disrespectful.

To look is one thing, but to ogle... That's rude

((Kayaker))


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Oh I do think it is disrespectful, and I hope you called him out on it. But if he didn't act like he understood, was remorseful, and corrected his behavior, I would pull a complete and hard 180 on his ass and go enjoy HI. If he can't act respectfully, you have some choices. You can let his problems affect you and be sad or angry and continue to bring you down, or you can realize it is HIS dysfunction and refuse to allow him to ruin what should be a fantastic time. You can't file for D while in HI, but you can when you get back if he doesn't get his shit together immediately. So if I sounded like what he is doing was perfectly acceptable, my apologies, because it isn't. I'm just the type of person not to let a man ruin something that expensive for me. I would deal with it head on by calling him out on it. But regardless of his choices, no way in hell would he ruin beautiful HI. None of us deserved to be cheated on. I've come to realize that we can't change them if they don't want to fix themselves. Too many times I let my stbxh ruin times that should've been enjoyable. I will no longer let an unremorseful pos cheatinass spouse ever bring me down again. So my advice remains the same, go out and enjoy yourself. I hope for his sake he gets it together because he may just be about to lose the best thing he ever had. Call him out on it and lay down your boundaries, then move forward.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
kayaker55
Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Thanks peeps for the replies.
I am still after 1.5years of him stopping all SA behaviours, thanks to IC,navigating my way through how to be relaxed with him in these kind of situations. Don't even think he realized what he did with Miss Lace dress. She did look hot, there should be nothing wrong with the double take. But alass we now live with this new reality, for both of us. I just fell instantly like a stone into the insecurity. And yes, in the spirit of R I need to address with him how this makes me feel.This is uncomfortable. I hate all this.
Will do it tonight calmly. A day of snorkeling ahead in this beautiful place.
Thanks again for the support.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

(((Kayaker))). I'm sorry you are hurting. Have you talked to your husband about how much this behavior bothers you?

He needs to know.

There is one train of thought that suggests people tell their spouses when they find someone else attractive. That de-mystifies the attraction, and makes it less secretive/deceptive/worrisome. I know sometimes now I will just flat-out ask my WH if I suspect he thinks another woman is attractive...and I usually do feel better if we talk about it. But he's not much of a "looker," so it happens rarely.

If it happened a lot, I think I would feel very unsafe, and I would absolutely expect my husband to address his behavior accordingly. But again, he can only do that if you tell him it's an issue for you. Try not to expect him to read your mind, then get upset when he doesn't. As you mentioned, he might not even be aware he's doing it.

Gently....I noticed the ongoing strippers, prostitutes, etc in your sig line. Is there a chance your WH is a sex addict? Because from what I've read around the forums, double and triple checking women is not only very common in SA's--it's also a slippery slope behavior that indicates the addiction is probably ongoing. Your WH might not have that issue, but a history deep in depersonalizing sex via paid, unemotional sex is often a flag that warrants further investigation. There may be a thread about SA in the I Can Relate forum that's worth your time.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

ETA: just saw your last post. If he's a known SA, then yes, I absolutely think that behavior is hugely problematic. Is he seeing a CSAT?

If you haven't already, I'd consider posting the issue in the SA thread, or post putting something like "need help addressing SA husband's girl watching" in the title.

That way, you'll hopefully get feedback from people who deal with SAs and recovering SAs themselves.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
kayaker55
Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Gotmegood- that is exactly how I feel. Prostitute involvement has been difficult for me to process. Sorry you have had this as well.
Spotless- good advice. I lurk on the SA thread. I am so creeped out by all of this I find it hard to articulate in posts but I am starting to find my voice here in SI and not feel so alone.
All you folks rock.


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

KK, I don't consider your WH as 'stopping all SA behaviors' if he is continuing to openly ogle other women......

Do, however, enjoy your vacation. I love Hawaii....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

So then nobody but me thinks that it's disrespectful for one's unfaithful husband to be openly ogling women while out with his wife?

Yes I think its disrespectful.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5037 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, February 24th (Monday)

KK, I don't consider your WH as 'stopping all SA behaviors' if he is continuing to openly ogle other women......

This ^^^^^

I believe it's called "scanning",and it's part of the sickness.

I watched my x do it incessantly, and he was involved with hookers as well over the years.

It is very disrespectful. He doesn't get it.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:11 AM, February 24th (Monday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I sent you a PM. Please read it. Nothing but good advice for you.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2012
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, February 24th (Monday)

To add you are NOT at fault for feeling uneasy. This is on him. Not you.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2012
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm trying to cut back on this. I thought since I don't smoke....

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Gonna chime in on scanning being an SA behavior. Its beer. Compared to whiskey and bourbon and vodka for the other behaviors. Although, it could be full blown using of the hard stuff for your H, I don't know what his daily drugs of choice were before he scaled back. It seems he has defined "sobriety" in a way that still allows him to act out. Which isn't sober at all, by the way.

Does he have a CSAT? (certified SA therapist)


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, February 24th (Monday)

Any alcoholic--or person acquainted with an alcoholic-knows that there is NO "just beer."

The drug is the drug, period. Beer is as intoxicating as whiskey.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8683 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 24th (Monday)

solus sto -

I was saying he is still using, beer is alcohol, so a drunk drinking beer is still drunk. Also, if all he ever drank was beer anyway, he is still using first-line behaviors, and has not scaled back even at all. If he previously did more hard core behaviors, he likely is rationalizing that this isn't acting out because it is not as bad as what he used to do. It is still acting out. As much as beer is still alcohol, scanning is still acting out.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 24th (Monday)

If he's not aware he's doing it that blatantly while you are right there, then that's even more disrespectful.

It'd be disrespectful even if he had a clean history otherwise. If I am with my wife and take notice of an attractive woman I will point her out, though my wife is more likely to do that. That is our dynamic though, and for us it works because we're present in each others thoughts. Usually it just takes the form of commentary during TV like "That womans tits are way too big for her skinny arm body, how does she not float away" or "That woman has a very interesting face" or "Matt Smith is attractive in that just this side of unattractive way of being attractive" though I honestly just kind of nod and go along with comments like the last because while I think the bowtie is stylin I have no fucking idea. Anyway.

If you aren't even in his head while you are right next to him and he is openly leering then it's just plain wrong IMO.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:37 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I would bring it to his attention that it is not acceptable and it makes me uncomfortable and is disrespectful to me.

After that, every time he does it I would step on his foot (hopefully I would have stiletto's on) or I would elbow him nice and hard. Just a friendly reminder....


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
kayaker55
Member
Member # 41617
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 24th (Monday)

OK.
Is it not a fine line that separates normal looking and what you guys have taught me is scanning? He is very complimentary when he is with me and holding my hand. I think this is me being overly sensitive due to his SA, and it doesn't feel right to project that onto him when I really feel he is doing the work. I don't feel he is leering, but what I have taken to heart from you friends is that I must now open a dialogue with H about this. I still find all of this extremely uncomfortable but am learning much with your help about living with this new reality as we want to R.
He doesn't need beer, he has champagne, I have to work on myself to not feel like rubbing alcohol.
Gawd, Hawaii is beautiful!


Me: BS 56
He: SAFWH 56
Married 34 years
SA behavior + 2 affairs. I was clueless.
Future uncertain.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Vancouver, BC
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 24th (Monday)

This is an issue for H also.. I know the insecurity you felt. I could imagine it as I read your post...ANd yes, many vacations are ruined because of it. ANd special events, dinners, holidays..It can pop up any moment....I cannot wrap my head around how this can happen after all the fights and damage of A or EA... How can this be ok? Or even considered? ... It makes you feel rejected, ugly, unwanted, unloved, so mistreated to do it in front of you. I have discussed this quietly, and timely. I have screamed, I have demanded, I have requested nicely. Some change, not enough. Bottom line is, we need security and feeling safe to have R. THis behavior brings DDay back to the moment. The threat of A is right in front of you, slapping you in the face. Its a vicious circle.
They say they are not aware...( they can be aware of a girl, but not aware of himself?) . I just cant believe that... I told H I would certainly D over this..Its abuse. He is now trying harder then ever, but seems to really struggle with it....Is he that sexually desperate? I have said all I can on it....I feel completely comfortable making a scene next time it comes on....I will say what I feel like saying, to him, where ever we are. I am no longer going to suffer in silence...Hawaii, Or the grocery....Hes not going to continue to enjoy himself, while its all ruined for me. I can ruin his vacation too. Find your voice. ANd keep it..Dont keep silent until its a better time...Speak when you need too.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 6:03 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 903 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
KatyaCA
Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Please talk to him about how his looking makes you feel. Right now you are taking it on the chin because you don't want to rock the boat when it appears he's trying in other ways. Unfortunately by withholding your feelings from him, you hobble him in his ability to see how little actions can have a big impact on you. He needs to see that and address it for you both to heal and grow. Continuing to hide how you feel from him in this instance will only compound your pain. That does not mean you have to make it a big huge confrontation. Wait until you two are alone and just tell him "Hey, when we were out today I felt like you were really checking out several other women and it hurt. I felt less than I just want you to know how I feel."

Then put the ball in his court and see how he handles it.


Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Is it not a fine line that separates normal looking and what you guys have taught me is scanning?

Well, not a fine line between double and triple taking and scanning. Really, truly, if this is a guy who wants to recover from his addiction, and not continue to wallow in and enjoy his addiction, this behavior should be discussed between him and his CSAT and him and his SA sponsor. And if he isn't seeing either of those two folks, my hunch is that he's white knuckling his addiction (except for liberally using scanning) and continuing in it, and not recovering.

You should certainly discuss this between the two of you as well. If you find it harmful to your M, he should know. Do you have any boundaries established with regard to this behavior?

It is not a fine line. You didn't describe a guy who happened to notice once an attractive woman. You described double and triple takes. And an SA in recovery(or purporting to be). No fine line there.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3619 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
carnelian
Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

The fine line between checking a girl out and scanning isn't such a fine line, really. It's not just looking - it's a part of a complex and cyclical process. Scanning was (I hope 'was') a major component of my SAWH's every day life and he says he didn't feel he could be truly sober without stopping the scanning (along with the subsequent masturbating). Every woman - pretty, ugly, old, young, whatever - was cataloged and critiqued and mentally banked away for fantasies of various types. He would create entire scenarios in his head the entire day - at work, at home, in the car - wherever and whenever. It's a messed up type of object-ification (written that way to emphasis he object part) and dehumanization. These women weren't actually people with feelings and lives and happiness and agency - compassion, empathy and sympathy are things he still sometimes struggles with. Scanning has a bunch of components to it that all need dealing with.

[This message edited by carnelian at 8:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 564 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
Topic Posts: 38