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Just Found Out
User Topic: more proof please support
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Oh my hands are shaking. Even Ws noticed. Found more emails with her girlfriend. No doubt there's another man and they've talked of meeting up next weekend.

Was able to forward some emails. I have a first initial as a name. Sounds like they've been an item for a while. "that's how we communicate " Ws said in relation to something.

Can't confront tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Please send good thoughts or advice


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

So sorry IDK!

Keep it together, keep it together, you are doing great.

Sending hugs and strength.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Hold it together and do not confront until you are sure you have your proof backed up and secured!

Sorry, I know this is hard - but it will save your sanity later when the b/s begins. Deep breath - vent here!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4127 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

IDK - Please make sure you go and read the replies to your earlier post.

I know this is difficult, but this additional piece of information you just shared does not really add anything more to what you already knew. The initial material was already enough to reach the same conclusion.

Just try to keep your cool and when it is time to confront her, do not give her any way out, or the chance to manipulate you any further.

Good luck to you!

[This message edited by frankier at 6:05 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 117 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Pretend you are sick and go see a lawyer.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

(((((IDK)))))

I'm sorry. But frankier is right. This is additional confirmation of something that did not need any further proof to be plain as day.

It sucks that this is who your WW is. But she is showing you who she is. Believe her. You have to snap out of denying what's happening, wishing it were different, and take ZedLeppelin's advice about going to see a lawyer.

Right now may not be the time for you to be open to hearing this but it is a GIFT to have clarity and the impetus to end the relationship. That's the only way your life can open up to new, better relationships and a healthier way of being. The path away from her is a path that is going to be good for you. Painful, yes--but you will come out on the other side. You will make it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

I'm so sorry,idontknow, I just read your profile, I don't think your wife will ever change...she has been lying and cheating for years, and all that "innocent" bullsh*t is just that...bullsh*t.

It pains me to know that you are having to deal with this all over again and again....you know what you have to do.

Hugs.


Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Everyone is supporting you but we are all waiting for you to "put your foot down" and stop trying to make any sense out of this situation. She is planning on meeting and banging another man this week end, with the help of her friend as cover. Are you going to just let her go off and do this. You can't change what is going to happen but you CAN change your response. You are being abused by her behavior. Confront her now. She does not deserve a right time. And while you r at it exposť her friend also

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I realize that I already had enough evidence but this was a little more concrete for me insofar as she referred specifically to him, she specifically mentioned to him the possibility of visiting the city she is going to etc. She even said that she may have told him about this in order to get him worked up about and then deny it when it comes down to it. Clearly she likes to play with people. Then her girlfriend said she likes how WS plays with him - and WS said that is how we communicate.

To me this is much stronger evidence.

And don't worry - I have a copy of the email now.

I have something at work today I can't avoid but plan to confront tonight.

any tips would help.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, February 24th (Monday)

How much more are you going to tolerate? The last time she cheated, did you set boundaries and consequences for if this happened again? Are you going to follow through with them?

She is a habitual cheater - lose her.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, February 24th (Monday)

The last time she cheated she was great with R. Solid boundaries, full access to email, always letting me know where she was etc.

My mind is telling me that I should end this for good. My heart feels otherwise. I do love her.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 24th (Monday)

As far as tips, I can only tell you what's been my experience. No beating around the bush. Lay out what you have in the strongest and most damning way possible, and portray the situation as though you know all, and will not tolerate any sidestepping or lying.

You have the floor, and you want answers, etc. "I want to hear the truth from you, and right now". Emphasize the gravity of the situation.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 24th (Monday)

The last time, did you discuss what would happen if she crossed the boundaries or did the boundaries expire after a period of time.

Your past behavior shows her that you will put up with this crap and it is crap.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 24th (Monday)

IDK, do you really love her? Or do you love the person you thought she was? This is hard, so hard. Because she has hidden from you who she really was. So the person you thought you loved is gone. Gone. You are now starting with an entirely new person that you don't know. See if that person is someone you would have been interested in, some one you would want to risk your heart with. Take it from me, I kept loving the person who he was, then the person he told me he would be, and none of them are here today.
Also, for you kids, you want to be a whole happy person to be able to parent them.

(((IDK))) and strength


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 24th (Monday)

She even said that she may have told him about this in order to get him worked up about and then deny it when it comes down to it.

^^^^ Bullshit. Do you really believe that? That screams "covering her tracks" to me. I'm sorry buddy, but she was going to see it all the way through.

The last time she cheated she was great with R. Solid boundaries, full access to email, always letting me know where she was etc.

^^^ I think you've been living with a false sense of R for a long time. It sounds like she's still very much interested in other men. Maybe there was a time when she wasn't, but she certainly is now.

You have two options:
1. You D and give yourself a chance to be happy again.
2. You stay M to her and deal with her infidelity and cake eating until she leaves you for one of her OM.

Hang in there buddy.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 24th (Monday)

It's frustrating how our hearts don't let go even when it would be better for us. Your feelings will take time to catch up. But otherwise, if you just keep on clinging to how much you love her (when she is not earning it or worth you), you are going to keep getting hurt. At some point you have to say enough is enough no matter how much you love someone. You have to love yourself more, KWIM?

There are other women out there who deserve your love and will reciprocate it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Well, as K9 said, surely the last time you caught her cheating, you must have set some serious boundaries and more than likely told her if she did it again, that would be the end.

Right?

I mean, surely on your last D-Day, you didn't simply tell her, "if I catch you cheating again in the future, I'll just forgive you again like I'm doing right now, but I hope you don't do it again."

Whatever line you drew in the sand the last time you caught her is going to HAVE to be met now that she's doing this again. Otherwise, you just come off looking weak and needy and desperate - and a complete push-over. Women don't respect that type of wimpy behavior.

Stand up for yourself, OP. No one else is going to FOR you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I have always made it very clear that if it happened again then we're done. And she acknowledged that.

Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I have always made it very clear that if it happened again then we're done. And she acknowledged that.

If that's the case, then your path is clear. However, it is your life and you are the one that has to live it.

There is a third possible scenario - she will eventually be old and gray and her interest in other men will wane. Can you learn to live with the cheating until she gets too old to care?


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I have always made it very clear that if it happened again then we're done. And she acknowledged that.

Now you have to put action behind those words. File for the D. Have her served. You show her you have a pair of very big balls and you laid down the law.

What will be interesting is the time between your filing and the D being official. Will reality slap her hard and wake her? Will she realize you really aren't a push-over? Will she be remorseful? Will she change her ways and prove it?

You can always D, then get back together again. It will be under your terms at that point. But then your heart may likely tell you otherwise, like she isn't worth another chance.



Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

IDK - How are things going with this weekend coming up?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

IdontKnow - How are things going. This is that weekend and I was wondering how you are doing?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Thanks Craig and those who have checked in with me. The short answer is that my W and I had a very good talk about what I had seen and I am satisfied that there is no A going on. She acknowledged inappropriate behaviour but I accept it was benign. We actually had one of the best talks ever.

She is away now. While I am still slightly anxious, that is based more on my history than on a real concern. We are in touch regularly and she is clearly accountable.

Thank you all.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

We are in touch regularly and she is clearly accountable

Good. But remember--poor boundaries=poor decisions.

Communication is key. You need to feel safe in your relationship.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Glad to hear you are okay. But there are some things I dont agree with. For one, the things your wife said about planning on meeting some guy at this hotel. That is more than inappropriate.

Did you find out WHO this guy is and how she met him and why she is talking to him.

And the fact she is with her friend who most likely is having an affair on this trip.

I hope things turn out okay.


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
Topic Posts: 25