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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: new to in-house separation
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

We are just starting in-house separation. We will eventually separate by doing our own version of nesting but for now we are all under the same roof 7 days a week.

We told the kids, we were clear but they do not seem upset at all. Maybe a little confused but not upset.

I am having these overtaking thoughts of being the old lonely lady. I have friends and family but I eventually want to be in a relationship with a man that I feel valued by.

I have felt so "not good enough" for so long even though I know his cheating was about him and not me but it still sucks.

I of course am in NO rush to find a partner but I wish there was some promise that there will be ne someday.

I feel like there has been a void in my life for so long. :(


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Lots to discuss in your short post.

in-house separation and nesting... This means frequent contact. You can't do NC under those arrangements. Your healing really does take off when you can get NC with your STBX. My in-house separation was 3 months of Hell.

I am having these overtaking thoughts of being the old lonely lady. I have friends and family but I eventually want to be in a relationship with a man that I feel valued by.

You are valuable, and it will be very nice if someday, some man recognizes that value and reflects it back to you. But the value is there regardless. Part of your healing is going to be cataloging and recognizing that value, and getting comfortable with yourself.

Wanting that relationship is normal. Needing it, without fully healing first, is how you end up in a rebound relationship. Broken attracts broken, so the rebound is unlikely to be a good thing.

I have felt so "not good enough" for so long even though I know his cheating was about him and not me but it still sucks.

Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. But from this far out, I recognize that I AM good enough. You, too, ARE good enough.

No one will ever be good enough for my X. Because she's the one who's broken.

I was in counseling for 4 years, off and on. It really helped.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
soveryweary
Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 24th (Monday)

So true, everything Trusted Her wrote.
((Hitbyatruck)), we did in house separation for 4 months, it was not pleasant. As Trusted said, there is no true NC being in the same house.
My healing truly didn't start until after I moved out.
I too, have feelings that I will end up a lonely old woman, but that is by far more appealing to me than staying in that marriage.
And when I am the only one who is out somewhere who isn't part of a couple, I feel sad, but it gets better every time.
It DOES get better, I promise you.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm living in legal limbo-which basically means we have in-house separation as well. I'm only on day 3 and it royally sucks. I've done a lot better when there is NC, and can't wait to get back to NC. The kids are confused and I just want to break coffee cups. Since it was "his weekend" (whatever the fuck that means), I made plans for most of the weekend. I visited with old and new friends. I would recommend that when there are long stretches that you have to be together, get out of the house for short periods of time to save your sanity. It really helped me.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I realize that in house separation doesn't normally go all that great. I have been traditional separated before and I understand the value of low contact with WS. I also know what the first separation did to my kids. I am really hoping we can make this work till we get into a nesting type situation.

Our goal is a mix of in-house and nesting. We both understand how terribly wrong this can go but we are both willing to give it a shot.

All that being said I can't stop fixating on the fact that I might really be alone for the rest of my life.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I cant speak to the nesting but I did in-house S for a few months and it sucks. I can speak to your lonely old lady or in my case lonely old man comment. Stop that type of thinking now. This sucks for sure but your attitude carries you a long way. At least it did for me. I have intentionally not dated because my D won't be official for a few more months. The last 8 months since I have officially been S have been great. I started off feeling lonely and wanting someone but I soon realized the more time I spent doing things I wanted the better I felt about actually having my freedom back. At some point I will date again but right now I am having a blast just doing what I want to do and spending time with my kids. We have 50/50 custody. The relationship stuff comes with time but enjoy rediscovering you. The more you get out on your own now establishing and reestablishing hobbies and passions the more people you meet and the easier it is to date when you are ready. IMO, one leads to the other.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

What is nesting? I see that term on this thread..

Most definitely In-house isn't for those who have a spouse with a volatile temper..

I thought I could file for divorce when I had my ducks in a row..

Last evening when my WH returned home from work, he had to cook something for himself..I had already eaten, he knows that he is not responsible to cook for me, but he often does anyway...He knew I had eaten already, all he had was himself to worry about..

WH started losing his temper when he had to get a spatula from our half full dishwasher and rinse it off..When I realized that he was in a bitchy mood, I walked back to my bedroom, shut the door and picked up a book to read..

I heard a ton load of loud cussing, name calling, kicking , throwing stuff around, banging walls..

I decided to keep my cell phone close by...I got my sharp pair of scissors (weapon) and kept them close too.. I was worried that he might barge into my bedroom even though that has never happened since we were separated in house....There is a lock on my door, but my door (locked) wouldn't keep away somebody mad enough to get in..

Just because WH comes home from work tired and achey, he is not allowed to take it out on me...I worked all during our married life, including the time WH was unemployed and cheating..

I am retired... I am gonna stay that way ( while separated in house ) until sometime after a D is final...

But if I have to listen to his bullshit every evening, I don't know..

The minute he touches me though all bets are off..I will call the police, file a restraining order, file for D immediately and ask for exclusive use of the house..

Ultimately I don't want the house as part of a D settlement..

I want to start a new life in a new place..

With that said, WH needs to know I can play hardball and that he can't make threats on my physical well being or try to scare me otherwise without repercussions..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:43 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
Leia
Member
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hitbyatruck, my DD thinks I'm going to end up living alone with dogs and cats for my friends. Man, I can't wait to prove her wrong! But I know I'm a mess right now, and in no way ready to date/meet new people. Besides, I'm not officially D yet, so until that is final I'm just going to deal with the loneliness and do what 7yrsflushed said--be with myself and take up new hobbies and try to find some balance. Attitudes does go a long way, and I keep trying to look for the silver linings along the way. Hang in there.


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

(((Hitbyatruck))) doing in house now and hoping for quasi nesting (like maybe he spends his EOWs at my place). It''s no fun. Is it the nesting why you think you''ll be alone? Cause it looks like you were dating during your previous separation...

Doggie diva, seems like you should get out!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

CL,

I did date during my last separation. I did have fun but it obviously didn't go anywhere. I met a rather nice man during that time but I knew he wasn't long term material.

I fear never meeting the right one. I thought I had the right one (H) and look how wrong I was.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 10