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Just Found Out
User Topic: more advice please
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, February 24th (Monday)

hello all.

please read my profile and last few posts for my current situation.

I am planning to confront tonight. Any advice or tips would be appreciated.

Thanks sooooo much for all the support. you are all great.


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, February 24th (Monday)

IDK: I read your profile and I am so sorry that you are back in this situation after seeming to be in R for awhile. Others who are more experienced will be along with solid advice. After reading your experience with your WW I have doubts you have ever been in true R. Someone who as really done the work and truly wants to change would not have behaved in this manner again and again. She has shown you over and over who she is-time to believe her and all the proof youve gathered. It stops when you say so and it will not stop until that moment arrives. She firmly believes she can sneak around and you will stand by. Show her she is wrong. Time to be strong-very strong. Do not allow yourself to be treated this way.
As for tonights confrontation be calm and cool. Have all of your evidence right there to show her and prepare yourself for complete denial. Prepare to be told its a joke and they arent really meeting anyone, youre crazy and jealous, gaslight, wash, rinse,repeat. BE firm and be prepared. Dont get overly emotional and be matter of fact. Most of all IDK be prepared for the lies and denials because they will come. Id be prepared to D her too, time to put your foot down.
Again others who are more experienced will be along. I didnt need to gather evidence and confront because MOW BH did all of that for me and tracked me down. So I never had to confront per se, only when I was being TT and found further evidence that it was an LTA. Cheaters lie and that is for certain.
Be strong IDK you deserve better. Best of luck tonight and keep us posted.


Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 370 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I guess that depends on what you want to happen now. Your wife is a 3rd time offender with multiple counts for each Dday, who seems capable of feigning remorse really well. It does not appear that she is capable of fidelity.

So do you want:

a) to continue in this marriage of lather, rinse, repeat affairs and Ddays.

or b). to risk the unknown world of being single.

Not trying to be harsh, but I think those are your options. They suck. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior... this has been going on for a decade.

If you want a: confront. If you choose b: detach, file, and have her served.

Wishing you strength!


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
idontknow
Member
Member # 2958
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, February 24th (Monday)

to be honest, part of me wants to confront if only to make WS feel bad, to see if she can be remorseful.

is that a bad way to look at it?


Posts: 506 | Registered: Dec 2003
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, February 24th (Monday)

IDK: I like what Take2 said. Read that again. As far as wanting to confront to make your WW feel bad, I get it. I think we all do. But youve been here before over and over. You know what she is going to do and how she will react because she has done it before. This isnt your first rodeo. She is very good and acting-acting sorry, saying, the right things, etc. Then she goes back to her sneaky, cheating behavior. Expect more of the same. In reality I do not think confronting will make her feel bad, it will make her alter her ways of communicating to throw you off her trail. I also firmly believe you have just two choices here and that is to be satisfied with this life in which she will without doubt continue down this path and you will again face more DDays and more proof gathering, confront, and start over. Or you can start to detach and see a lawyer, move on and have a happier future. There is far more to life then living like this. You will not ever be able to trust this woman, she has proven this time and time again. You are worth more then this and you have to start valuing your own happiness and sanity.
If you must confront I meant what I said above. Prepare yourself for the lies and denials, prepare to be called insecure and crazy. Prepare for her to continue this behavior. Time to put your foot down. We are all her to support you.


Me: BS 34
Him:WS 35
DDay 9/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 40, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 370 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 24th (Monday)

I would say never confront with an expectation of what you want from her emotionally. Nine times out of ten you're going to be let down.

Go into this planning for *you*.
This is what I need to continue the M: (ask for the moon because she will give the minimum amount)

This is how I want the D to proceed: (this will be business, not emotion)

If she denies then I...
If she cries then I...
If she accuses me then I...

Mentally go through whatever scenarios you can think of and try to decide how you want to react. Focus on whatever your bottom line is, as she will do her best to distract you; nobody likes facing their ugliest reflections.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11134 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, February 24th (Monday)

How did she meet this OM?

As for confronting her to make her feel bad, well that could backfire, because she might not even feel bad. She could turn it right around on you for even reading her emails.

The power you have right now is information that she is lying to you again and is planning on meeting some OM this weekend at a hotel.

The hardest thing for you now is your decision on trying to stay married or be done with it.

If stay married, than it is time your wife admits she has a problem and gets it fixed. Just saying, gee I am sorry and I have a problem is not admitting it, it is just telling you what you want to hear.

This has to be the end of the game playing.

You also need to be prepared tonight for her lies and her denials and her Oscar winning performance with the How dare you look at my emails.

Be prepared for the lies. She will probably say something like it was only a game, I was going to pay him back, get him there and then say forget it.

None of that matters and keep that in mind throughout all of this. Tell her what matters is she is talking to other guys again, making plans, talking about sex and actually meeting them.

ALL of those things = affair.

It doesnt matter if it was a game or not...totally irrelevant.

Stand your ground and do not let her sway you. If she wants to stay together, you should now tonight.

With the usual stuff like she gives you all her passwords. The OM full name and address and where he works. You read all of her emails in front of her. She shows them to you.

You have been through the false R before, you have heard it all before. Stand your ground and just be no nonsense and calm with her. Which is going to be the hardest part.

Depending on what happens, you might even consider telling her friends husband what his wife is really planning this weekend.


Posts: 3803 | Registered: Jun 2002
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 24th (Monday)

You don't need to confront to know if she can be remorseful. She is incapable of remorse.

I'm sorry, but there is just no way around this. It is a fact. You are not going to get remorse. You have to stop expecting any breakthrough or sudden respect or love from her. It is not going to happen. And if it did? It would be all manipulation, not genuine.

Harsh, but true.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 24th (Monday)

In agreement with all the other posters, IDK. In addition, please cancel the hotel reservation. You made it; you can cancel it. If she wants to go through with it, even after the confrontation, then SHE can make the reservation. I can't believe she had the nerve to use you to set up her tryst!!! The more waywards cheat, the harder their hearts become.

Please protect yourself. And do whatever you can to be calm. The only way I can communicate effectively with my SAWH is to stay calm. Sure, flashes of anger and hurt come through (and may be helpful), but the key is to be level-headed. Good luck!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 24th (Monday)

IDontKnow, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting different results.

As the others have said, this is pattern behavior for her and even if she DID 'feel bad' the way you want her to feel, that STILL won't have an affect on her need to cheat over and over again down the road.

I hate to say it, but after a while you're no longer her victim. You're her volunteer.

I wish you the strength to do what needs to be done in order to live an emotionally and psychologically healthier lifestyle.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

You want her to feel bad or remorseful? She continues to cheat, those are her actions? You confronted the first time, what happened? Second time..now a third. She continues to cheat and hurt you. That my friend is the bottom line.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jun 2013
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, February 24th (Monday)

idontknow:

Brother, I say this with a heavy heart. You are married to a monstrous woman and you should flee. I believe in the power of reconciliation, and wish so badly all Betrayed Spouses who have granted forgiveness could be rewarded for their selflessness with a lifetime of gratitude and absolute devotion from their Wayward spouses.

You have had to endure so much suffering as a husband at the hands of Wayward women. You have shown so much undeserved grace to your wife. But she truly appears hellbent on self-destruction, and no man, no matter how patient and loving, can ultimately save such a woman from the fate that awaits her.

Run. Get away from this woman. Grieve the lost time, but do not let an evil, sick woman convince you that you do not deserve better. You do, and better is out there, whether in the form of a truly loving woman who finds joy in knowing and loving you, or even in the peace of God, free from the fears and self-doubts that have come from the women you have loved who have so horribly failed you.

You will be in my prayers.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Honey this situation is Toxic. You cannot live your life constantly wondering if she is cheating now, or when she will start again. Please do not do this to yourself. She has no respect for you to keep putting you through this and causing you this pain, and as she has appeared so remourseful all the previous occasions and still repeated the cheating it is obvious it is all just an act.

Please Please get out of the marriage now for your own health and sanity. By letting her get away with this time after time (and that is what she thinks you are doing) you are enabling her in her infidelity.

You know in your heart she is not going to change, so please save yourself so much more heartache and walk NOW. Yes it will hurt, but there will be an end to that hurt, if you stay in the marriage the hurt will just go on and on.

Please be strong


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Gemstone
Member
Member # 42000
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

i dont know

Are you ok?

Thinking of you

((()))


Posts: 97 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United Kindgdon
Topic Posts: 14