Just Found Out
User Topic: I messaged the OW
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, February 24th (Monday)

As I'm new to this I haven't read anything about whether you should contact the OW or not.

My husband sent her a text (the way they always communicated) the day after DDay to say something along the lines of . . Hi OW, my wife knows about us meeting up. We have talked and we are going to try and make things work so I think it's best we are not in contact anymore' I wish it had been a little more heartfelt but I accepted that.

She did not respond anything for 6 days and then just sent a text to say Happy birthday a***hole today. I actually quite liked that as it was a sign she was annoyed at him for ending things.

I then had an overwhelming urge to write to her so I sent her a message via social media (don't know her address and H deleted her number from phone). I sent this:

I have been trying to work out over this past week if I have wanted to confront you on what you and my husband have done.

I blame my husband wholeheartedly for what you have done as he was the married one and he is the one that made his choice. Yes our marriage had hit rock bottom, we both freely admit that but he could have just walked away as a choice. He choose to have an affair with you, making this a whole devastating, excruciating pain that I have never ever experienced before.

The thought that he could have such little regard for not only me but my 2 beautiful children is absolutely killing me inside. That he could put everything on the line for that.

He has told me everything. Where you met, when, what you did etc. You can not even begin to contemplate how soul destroying and difficult hearing those things is. But I needed to hear them so I know that there are now no secrets between us and nothing between you 2 that I don't know.

The thought of him kissing and touching another woman is the most painful thing ever because it is now in my thoughts 24/7.

I know WS doesn't have feelings for you and that makes it somewhat easier, if it can ever be easier. You just happened to be there to give him the things I wasn't giving him, someone to talk to and intimacy. For that part, really you could have been anyone. It wasn't because he fancied you or lusted after you, it was the fact you were there. I'm not going to go into detail about this as my aim here is not to put you down, just to try and make you understand the sheer volume of what this affair has done to me and my children.

I don't know if me and WS can make it, but what I do know is I will do anything is this world to protect my children and if this means to try and work through this pain, anger and hate then I will do it. We may separate, we may be able to get through this and stay together, who knows at this moment in time, no one can predict the future.

I just hope you realise that having an affair with a married man is never a good idea. You want a husband and a family because time is pushing on for you. A married man is never the answer. They already have their family. And even if they do leave their wife for you they will ALWAYS have that family.

Two lonely people found comfort in each other for a while. I just so wished you had found that with someone other than my husband

I tried to do a few underlying messages without telling the stupid B I wanted to rip her head off! When I sent it I felt ok, as soon as I had seen she had read it 20 minutes later I had a huge amount of relief wash over me that I got to tell her a little of how I was feeling and yes I did want to make her feel bad.

She did not respond . . . To me. She sent my WS a text saying 'please tell your wife I do not want an outpouring of emotion, I don't need this. She seems to be wrong in a few facts too but I won't go into that as I know she is upset right now. Oh and F*** you. She has now blocked me and WS on her social media account.

This really has come as a HUGE comfort to me at this stage. To know she is angry with my WS and makes the thought of her pursuing him to continue their meet ups (there were 4 over 2 months) that little easier to think that that is it.

I'm not concerned about what she said about me being wrong in the facts as I think that was her hurting as I included no facts in my message!! So there was nothing for me to be wrong about or my WS to be caught out not telling me the whole truth.

I'm sure some of you will say this is not the way to go, I'm not sure what the 'rules' are but a week into this, it is the first thing that has started to make me feel the tiniest bit better

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 24th (Monday)

First off I want to say I am sorry you had to join a club none of us ever wanted to be apart of.
Second. You messaged her. If she rears her ugly head again, send a formal NC letter that your husband should write. Don't engage her anymore with messages.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 24th (Monday)

First of all what is up with the OW always using the word "asshole" "fag" or "loser"....
that annoys the hell out of me...!!!

I understand wanting to contact her, as I have done the same before. Question, did she know he had a wife?

Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I disagree with the usual advice on not contacting the OP. In a court of law, most victims get to read a Victim's Impact Statement. If the courts recognize the need for victims to be heard, why shouldn't we?

My caveat is that you need to be at a place where any response touches you minimally. Most OP, especially so soon after the A ends, are unremorseful.

So we should have our say, but understand that the response might cause further damage. That's what happened in my case. Thanks to MrH's sharing of my secrets, xOw2 knew exactly where my tender wounds were. And she used them.

Be brave when awaiting her response. Either be prepared to delete it unread or for more hurt to come your way. Because if she triggers, or is wallowing in anyway, she will likely contact again. Few women like to be shown they were just a hole.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 12:14 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11237 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)

So sorry for your pain, Swandart.

I think your message was appropriate and very reserved. You can hold your head up high knowing that you didn't resort to name calling, as hard as that may have been for you. Good for you. I sent an email to the OW telling her what I felt after my D-Day 2 months ago and I am very grateful that I kept it together enough to not unleash a tirade of obscenities at her.

Keep your eyes open. Just bc she's angry doesn't necessarily mean she's going away.

And I would consider asking your H to write a very clear NC letter that is more direct than a text saying "so I think it's best we are not in contact..." She needs to hear that IT'S OVER message loud and clear. She should not be sending any sort of message to him at all and vice versa.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 558 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 24th (Monday)

My caveat is that you need to be at a place where any response touches you minimally. Most OP, especially so soon after the A ends, are unremorseful.

I agree with this.. Although 10 mins after she called me stupid and said she didnt want my WS, she called back and changed her tune. Saying she wasnt that kind of person and wasnt trying to wreck what we had (she knew about me the entire time). BUT, she is still fycking him despite telling me he is a dog...

So be ready for her to come back like she "won" something in this. They tell themselves a butt load of lies to justify their part in this foolishness too.

[This message edited by NikkiD at 12:36 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 42547
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, February 24th (Monday)

These cheap bottom of the barrel woman dont care about the spouses or children. They dont care that theyre taking away from your family. Im sorry that youre hurting, but theyre cheap and dont deserve your attention

Me - BS 28
Him- WH 28 (TheBatCave)
1 amazing 5yr old
DDay 2/6/14 TT still going on:

Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: East coast
Member # 41800
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Good job at staying calm and you never want to let the OW know where you stand too early. I can never be calm and always end up cursing them out . It's best to not engage them and keep monitoring your WH without him knowing. Put a Keylogger on his computer, put an app on his phone to listen to his calls, put VAR's around the house and in his car. WS's lie and many affairs go underground after DDay. This OW is still fishing and that is why she is calling him an asshole on his Bday. What she is really saying is "Thanks for using, hurting and not caring about me but I still care for you". Maybe they had plans for his Bday and she is trying to reel him in with contacting him on his Bday . Her saying she doesn't want an outpouring of emotions is aka "your wife is a clingy nag", while I'm a strong and independent woman that has moved on . Keep an eye out because you can tell that she is hurt and she wanted to win him .

Will never be naive again...

BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on

Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 24th (Monday)

It is too bad you didn't run the message by us first, Swandart.

You gave too much away of yourself to her. She doesn't give a damn about your pain. In fact, she may be gloating about it. Who knows if she is a sociopath.

I am all for contacting the OW and dumping all the disgust and contempt we have for them, but never, ever give away your feelings of pain and hurt. Those are weapons that can be used against you. And a major ego boost for OW.

You show your strength when messaging an AP. Never show weakness. OW has absolutely no respect for you to start with, don't prove the point to them by being weak and vulnerable. You can tell her contempt by the message she sent to your WH.

I would love to send the OW in our situation a letter dumping all my feelings of disgust and hatred that I have for it. However, OW is a junior Bunny Boiler, so I haven't been able to do that.

I am so sorry you are here and having to deal with this. ((((Swandart))))

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I wrote the OW a few days after I found out.. The letter was an outpouring of emotion... I was hoping she'd realize that she fucked up, on SOOOO many levels, when she decided to sleep with a married man.... I thought maybe she'd apologize... LMFAO!!! Riiiiiight...

I was so naive....

DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Sorry all, I think you misunderstood why I sent this. I did it for ME. I did it as I saw this as a way of me healing. I didn't care if she responded to me, WS or anyone. I wanted to know that she had READ it. Knowing she at least had to be faced with what had been done made ME feel better. I don't care if she felt Indifferent, like she had to get him back or anything, it's that she read it.

She knew he was married and had children. They worked together for several years and then he left for another job. they only starting texting when my WS's job came unbearable and he could talk to her about it and then it developed when our marriage was at a standstill.

She is low because she is pushing on and not met a man and had a family, they took solace in each other.

I am we'll aware she may have the I can get him back anytime card to play but I am hoping my WS is now strong enough to say no and commited to making our M work

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I don't feel anyone misunderstood why you sent the message.

We all want to do it for ourselves (send a message). The thing is, OW may have read it, but it was meaningless to OW. Your pain is meaningless, but if you sharing your pain with an unremorseful OW makes you feel better, that is all that matters. I personally would never let OW see the vulnerable side of me.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 24th (Monday)

As I said ive done it before but the BEST when your WS shows her you guys are working on your R...

Im sure she WILL try again...You can almost BET that. The OW in my case almost every other day wrote some "i hate you" type message ....then would randomly try to be nice and "get him back" to Or she would write "i cant believe i was just your side chick" looking for some reassurance..She never got it

Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 24th (Monday)

after doing it a couple times before, this last time (ew) I completely agree with SISTERMILKSHAKE!! OW find joy that they hurt you because they are hurt he "left them"

Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I would never give the OW such intensely personal information about myself with regard to the 'devastating pain' I'm in. That's way too intimate to share with such a piece of trash. It's none of her business and if you're trying to appeal on a human level to someone who only has her OWN interests at heart, you'll lose every time. Your pain is irrelevant to her and she doesn't deserve to know about it, anyway.

Secondly, you actually DID give her something to claim that you're 'wrong' about. First, you have to bear in mind that the story your husband told you about the affair - and the actual TRUTH about the affair - are two different things. That's why she said that you had some facts wrong. You were telling the OW that your husband 'had no feelings for her at all - she could have been anyone,' but he was no doubt telling her during the affair how special she was and how much he loved her and how they were soulmates and all that crap.

I've often heard it told that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. That's the reason these guys will fill the ears of their OWs with proclamations of love, promise them a rosey future together, and say anything else they can dream up to keep her happy and waiting for them a little bit longer.

Your husband probably won't admit it, but the chances are extremely high that he was filling her ears with the same exact 'I love you - you're my soulmate!' garbage that most of these married men spew to their OWs in order to keep them happy. And let's face it, there are precious few OW out there who'd put the effort into a married guy if he was telling them, "Hey look - I'm only using you as a piece of ass and I'm actually hoping that things will eventually work out for me and my wife. But golly gosh, until that time comes along, would you continue being my plastic f*ck doll when it's convenient for me to get out of the house?"

So, there's little doubt he was filling her head with crap and that's what she was referring to when she said your facts were wrong.

Good luck to you in your struggle to get through this choas, Swandart.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I know what you are all saying but it is a bit different in my case.

I didn't find out about the affair, my WS told me. They met on 4 occasions. There was no emotional attachment for him, obviously for the OW there was.

My husband has been friends with her for years and would often talk about her speed dating, or dating someone for a few months and how she was no head turner (I know what she looks like) so in a way this makes me feel better as he said all of these things before anything happened so I know when he says that she is down about being alone etc is true. I know this would actually make her feel some pain saying she was just there and it could have been anyone. But I am also 100% sure she will try and 'win' him back but I am now going to do everything I can to make sure WS only has one choice

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I think it is a very good message myself. You took the high road, and I am very impressed. I did the same thing, I just had to.

As Holly-Isis said when you are the victim of a crime you get to do a statement, and that is what this is. I don't care how she felt about my letter, I certainly was never looking for an apology, I never called her names. It was all about me and my healing nobody else. I needed to release that instead of going over what I would say to her all day and all night. I felt a great deal of comfort and release after I did it. I felt like I needed to do it to be able to concentrate on me and my R if that is the way it is going to go.

It may backfire on me, but if it does I can handle it because I feel stronger just for doing it.

On a side note my adult daughter found her on social media and really let her have it. She didn't tell me until after she had done it, but I just said do what you have to do before NC is sent because after that the NC stands for everybody. We got no response from either contact and now the NC has been sent certified and she signed for it.

Best of luck to you, I think everyone is different in their healing. Sorry you are going through any if this.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm sorry you all feel I have done so wrong. But everything you are saying is not changing my mind, I feel this is what I needed.

I know you all find it very hard to trust your WS after betraying you and you all keep telling me the truth could still come out. But I know, in my heart of hearts WS has told me everything. He had nothing to lose as he thought the marriage would be over when I found out anyway.

It seems a funny thing to say I trust the truth WS is telling me after he has just betrayed me but its true.

He has been in a very dark place the past year, mainly because of me so I know exactly why he did this.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Thank you Breezy, it's reassuring to know others do feel the same way as me about it

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)


You did what you needed and wanted to do in sending the message to this woman. There is nothing to feel sorry about--so I'm glad you don't. I hope you can keep your head high and continue feeling more peaceful.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I hope this was a bit cathartic and cleansing for you. I also hope that it doesn't come back and bite you. Meaning that she responds in some way that really rocks your world. OW have been known to do all sorts of things that really ruin lives, other than sleeping with our spouses.

Anyway, I wanted to add that usually right after Dday, and ending the A, the OW typically only hears blah blah blah... from the Betrayed spouse.

If she does respond, your H and you need to o through her response together, and then send an absolute NC letter to her. The Happy Birthday Asshole was her fishing for a response. She will continue.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, February 24th (Monday)

First - so sorry you are here!

Second - I really liked what you wrote, and I admire your sense of calm. I feel like If I had written a letter, (even now, 8 months after dday) my letter would be filled with expletives! lol

I really liked what you wrote about the OW - "you could have been anyone" I never really thought about it that way...but it made me feel a bit better when I realized that you were right. She's nothing special. So thanks for that!!

Third - Why don't you have your WH block her cell phone number? (and any social media?) There's no reason for her to be texting him to begin with, and you'll feel a lot better just knowing that she can't text him anyways.

Also, do you have her blocked on social media sites now? If not, I think its best to do that too. IMHO (and it took me months to block) it was just easier for my soul once I blocked her. Her page was private anyways, so all I could see was her picture. But still. I want to focus on the relationship with my WBF, and leave her in the dust!

Come back often, the SI seriously community rocks!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Just thought of something reading what tushnurse said... "if she does respond"

The ow and my WS had a ONS 4 years ago...I found out, told her bf, and SHE WROTE ME saying how sorry she was and would never do it again...

Well fastforward to APR 12 where she was pregnant by my fws. They started up again and that time it was ea and more the a ONS after they BOTH apologized to me in 2010..

OW aint shit, even if by chance she ever does pour her heart and sympathy out to you, dont believe it.

Posts: 272 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I think if writing the letter and getting those thoughts off your chest helped you step forward in healing, then it was the best choice for you.

There is always a risk of it backfiring because some OWs feed off of drama. In my situation, the OW loved inflicting pain on other people and sleeping with married men. It made her feel powerful, so I never communicated or responded to her.

Out of curiosity, why did he come clean with you about the A?

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 413 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Thank you all for your comments.

4everfaithful83 she blocked me and and WS on social media! We checked on my page and his and we can't bring up her details. I wasn't aware you could block a number on a phone. I will look into that.

Rainbows. I think it actually worked the other way for me. I felt empowered that I could let her know that I had been told what had gone on between the 2 of them for that 2-3 month period yet she had no idea what had gone on with me and my WS for the last 13 years together. It made me think what an insignificant amount of time it was to the time we shared.

And he told me because he had ended it. He had realised that it wasn't what he wanted, what he wanted to do was fight for our marriage, that was barely hanging by a thread when this happened or end us completely without hanging onto the A that he didn't really want. ( I really need to do my profile for background don't I). He used the 4 occasions they met for intimacy and someone to talk to both of which he wasn't getting at home. The fact he said they met in a lunch break just for a hug first of all showed what he needed. He has told me the 4 occasions they did everything but so no need to lie about the lunch hug I would have thought.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 24th (Monday)

(((Swandart))). If writing that message helped you to begin to heal, I think it's fine. You needed to get it off your chest. I also wrote to wannabe ow and felt some satisfaction, though not as much as I anticipated.

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, February 24th (Monday)

You took the high road and put her in her place politely. And the need to tell off the OW varies by person and level of craziness of OW. Ours was psycho so I didn't talk to her except to tell her to leave me and my fWH alone and only when she contacted me and wouldn't stop. At a later time when she sent annoying emails my fWH sent a formal NC which addressed nothing she said but did send a polite and firm get lost love my wife biggest mistake I ever made was stepping outside the M type message. That has kept her at bay...

But she should have no way to communicate with your fWH. He should change his number etc. The fact that she feels like she can talk to him shows she doesn't respect the NC. Make sure he gives no responses back.

So be prepared to have fWH write a formal email or letter if she keeps up the contact.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:47 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Yes, you certainly can block a number! I have verizon and I know you can do it through their website under privacy setting, blocking. If you have another carrier or can't figure it out, just call your cell phone provider and tell them you need to block a number, its as easy as that. Or...have him change his number. :)

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Hey, Swan! I did the same thing as you but I spoke to her, not just sent a letter. I was not going to quit until she responded to me and it was actually kind of funny that I got her to a point where she felt she had to quit running. I took control of the situation from that moment on, not her. You're damn right it's empowering.

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 24th (Monday)


Did you expose the OW? To friends, family, loved ones? This is where you will hit her where its hurts.

Exposure can be a humiliating experience. For a OW like her who is single, it can still be devastating.

If you want to take it to the next level then I would also suggest posting her name on cheater websites. This is not to be seen as vindictive, but so that this wh-re can be exposed to the entire world. Future BFs of hers need to know what kind of person she is (by cheating with a married man with kids) pathetic.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 24th (Monday)


I can understand what you did because I did the same thing.

They will never understand the pain we feel and they believe they have some sense of entitlement.

My only advice is stay alert. This may become a challenge to her, especially as your WS goes through withdrawal symptoms.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Mar 2007
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Did you feel better after contacting her? Did it help you in anyway?

I struggle with wanting to contacting the OW daily. To ask her why, what they did, is it over. I stop myself every time. She knew he was married, and she chose to make the choices she did. She owes me nothing. I doubt she'll tell the truth. She'll say and do whatever suits her. Lies or the truth? I feel it will just bring more uncertainty. I'm confused enough as it is.

In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
New Member
Member # 42529
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hi livingalie2014

I did feel better for it. And 24 hours on I still feel I did the right thing.

I didn't want to ask her questions, I didn't want want to make her feel bad (well a few underlying comments made me feel better). I did it so I felt I had the upper hand over her. I wanted her to know that WS had told me everything (I believe he has told me everything, he has answered my 100s of questions over the last week without getting angry, he understands I need to know). I wanted her to know that there were now no secrets between her and WS that I did not know.

I didn't want a response from her, I didn't want a reply. I just wanted to know she had read it. The fact she text my husband a load of abuse did make me feel quite pleased as it was acknowledgement and made me realise she was feeling hurt after being 'dumped' which is the least she could feel.

I didn't want to ask any questions because she is nothing to me, I don't care what she has to say. I expect my WS to answer my questions.

This place is really great for help, support and advice but ultimately only you know how you can help yourself heal. I know most would not have done what I have but I feel glad I did.

Hugs and understanding for whatever you decide to do

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I did something similar the first week I found out. I FB messaged her. She being a coworker that he felt he had a wonderful connection with. I just wanted to know her stance. I wanted to know what she wanted out of the relationship. Was, I standing in the way of "true" love? Will she pursue him? Why did she do it? Very civil. Trying to diffuse a situation as I was sure that I would see her again at his work. My fWH had me believing she was a wonderful person and they were compatible soul mates. (Not anymore...he realized it was never about her, but about the attention)

I also wanted an apology from her. She gave it and built me up...saying she wish she knew me before, "We would of been good friends...blah...blah...I am jealous of you and your family...I am a good sorry." "She was just bored and liked him as a friend...blah..blah."

Good for you to take that step...I am all for contacting them. As far as I am concerned, only you know what you need to heal. Though I never would have shared with her how much she hurt me. It would have made me feel weak in her eyes.

A year later...the civility lost...anger replaced it with pure hate. I sent her a letter my FWH wrote on SI about his feelings for her (that were not good, but indifferant and disgusted) and one I compiled about what I thought she was. I felt I needed to put her in her place. I didn't want her walking around thinking my husband had feelings for her when he didn't. I didn't want her to feel like she was "all that" to catch a married man. That letter made me feel the best. Against what fellow SI's suggested.

Now, I pity her. She lives her own self-induced Karma everyday. Self-loathing.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 4:34 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

If you feel ok with this, that is all that matters.

This really has come as a HUGE comfort to me at this stage.

Block any additional forms of communication, should she decide to attempt contact in the future.

I don't think you gave too much of yourself away. I think you struck a nerve.

I do not want an outpouring of emotion, I don't need this.

I hope this will help put her behind you, so you can focus on you.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I called and spoke with WH's AP- and never regretted it. I would again if I had to.
(It turned out she had the IQ of a radish, and as I discovered through my doctor, an STD. Yeah, she was quite a gal.) I wasn't in any way interested in what she had to say- I wanted her to hear me loud and clear.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 5:58 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 2477
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I read a bit of your story. I am sorry that you are going through this right now. You and your family. IMO, I never think it's a good idea to contact the OP, especially IF they knew about the marriage beforehand.. Whatever info you give to them in your communications can later be used against you in some way. Even if you feel your spouse is on the up and up.. they may not be, as seen here in this forum about so many WS breaking the NC rules. I say never a good idea to shoot a bullet at a brick wall, especially if you're standing in front of it. You need to worry about yourself at this point and remember to look at your spouses behavior towards you.. not his words.

[This message edited by Sodown at 6:21 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

A dog will not tell you he has fleas but you can tell by the way he scratches. Graham Willets (Thanks to Treharris Mid Glamorgan)

Posts: 4797 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: anywhere but here...
New Member
Member # 42583
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hi i have been going through this for a month now and i contacted the OW at my husbands work. She quit a week later. That didn't stop the texts or messages so i as well emailed and texted her. It made me feel good at the time and i told her i was sorry for her and that my husband dragged her in. The last text i sent she said don't put me in the middle lol she put herself there. Now she has put herself on a plane to China to never return. my husband does not know i had contact. But really nothing hasn't changed because he felt like he was in love with her and now won't talk about it and is expecting to live here as friends until my daughter graduates. I belive you can say anything to the OW because she is in the middle. Hope you start to feel better.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 38