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User Topic: Venting-Just Tired of This
justme39
New Member
Member # 31261
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I'm just tired. Tired of trying. Tired of going way more than half way just to see my wife withdrawing. Tired if hearing "I love you" from a wife who is unwilling to show it. Tired of wanting someone who doesn't want me. Tired if playing the fool.

Most of all, I am tired of feeling jealous of a man who is a total POS. A liar. An adulterer. I'm jealous of him because when they were together, my wife actually gave me some attention. She was passionate. And even though I know now that it was all for him, I miss the attention. I wish I had never found out and she could screw him and I could get the leftover affection because it is better than what I get now.


D-Day 3/18/11
Kids 18,15,11
Married 20 years
Trying R

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2011
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 24th (Monday)

((((Hugs)))))

I know you are tired. But please know that you are better, and we all are better then some half-assed version of our WS.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 24th (Monday)

(((Justme39)))

I wish I had never found out and she could screw him and I could get the leftover affection because it is better than what I get now.

No. You are better and deserve more then leftover emotions. I know the hurt sucks. I too felt jealous of OW but what they had was false bullshit. If your wife is withdrawing is it possible to 180 her? When I 180'd my H he woke up. He was really losing me. I wasn't putting up with his half-assed attention or bullshit. He only became remorseful when I stopped trying.


Take care hun.

slight t/j: NikkiD:

Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself.
I love this!

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:31 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I hear you... Do something for yourself today. This kind of stress on a marriage sucks the life out of you. Read the "songs for strength" post in General. I have downloaded all of the suggestions and it cheers me up every time. You are not a fool, just an honest trusting person who assumed you were getting the same from your life partner. Play up your traits to your kids so that they see that your way is the best way to live.
Focus on yourself and keep your head up
(((Justme)))



Married 20 years

Posts: 229 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Hey justme39,

I know you posted this as a vent, but I am wondering how the work on your 180 going? With the 180, her affection or lack of it becomes moot.

What are you doing for you? Removing your WW from the equation for now, what would you like your life to look like? What would you like to do that you would enjoy and would give you satisfaction? Exercise is one of the things many of us do to improve our health and mental state while working off anger and resentment. Improved fitness and loss of weight can only be positive. What did you do before you were married for fun, for challenge? What have you always wanted to do? You should be doing these things now.

Meanwhile, how about some IC for you? Someone to help you work through your post dday feelings and to help with clarifying what you want your future and future relationships to look like. Someone to help answer the questions “Why do you stay with and try to R with a woman who is ignoring you for online activities and her own needs? Why do you want somebody who does not want you? Why do you stay with a person who does not demonstrate her love and respect for you?

What work did your WW do post dday other than stopped fucking the OM? Did she do IC, work on herself, read and discuss books with you? Did you ever read the books often recommended? Not Just Friends by Glass, Sexual Detours by Hines? If so, what do you think? How do they apply to your M?

Be the man you want to be. Let go of your relationship with your WW for now, it does not appear to be a positive in your life. Work through and figure out (1) what it is you need from your WW, (2) what you want in a relationship, and (3) how many of those things your WW is realistically going to be able to provide in a sustained manner. Once you know the answers to these three things, you will know what to do.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 24th (Monday)

atsenaotie
Bravo!!!! Thanks for the reminder of what we all should be working toward!



Married 20 years

Posts: 229 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 24th (Monday)

What atsenaotie said and asked.

Did you restart your 180? Did you start IC?

You know, once your W cheats, there's no way to avoid the pain of being betrayed - grief, rage, and fear. I wonder if you tried to stuff the pain. That won't work - you've got to accept it and process it out of your body.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
justme39
New Member
Member # 31261
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Thanks for the kind thoughts. I had a rough morning to say the least.

I have been to both individual and couples counseling...many sessions of each. It helped me, but I got to a point where there was just diminishing returns for the time and money. In man ways, I am far better off than I was a couple of years ago. I'm less depressed, and at times (a lot of the time)I feel pretty good. I find some joy in recreation and in work. I am successful and well liked. I have good friends who care and a great family.

My problem is that I cant seem to do what it takes to make the 180 stick. It feels foreign to me. It fees selfish. I am stuck in a loop. I do fine for a while and stay strong until she treats me with her passive aggressive disregard and I go right back to the depths of despair. I am losing hope that I can ever be happy like I used to be, and it INFURIATES me that I care so much what she thins of me. It's delusional.

I all honesty, all she did is stop screwing the other guy. She made no changes. She is still passive aggressive, still secretive, still aloof. She doles out sex like it is some sort of reward for a well behaved dog...AND I FALL FOR IT.

I want progress from her. I want her to care enough about me to set down her iPhone for 5 minutes and be my wife again. The more I try, the less I get. I know...180. I just don't know how to get there.


D-Day 3/18/11
Kids 18,15,11
Married 20 years
Trying R

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2011
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hey, G'morning justme39,

I want progress from her. I want her to care enough about me to set down her iPhone for 5 minutes and be my wife again.

And if you do not get progress, if she continues to prioritize her iphone and digital world over you, what then? What is the consequence? You do not like the status quo, and remember we cannot make people do or stop doing a thing. They have to want to and do it of their own volition. So what is your game plan? Assuming that she is unwilling to change, you cannot make her change, what do you do to get your life back on track?
I have been to both individual and couples counseling...many sessions of each. It helped me, but I got to a point where there was just diminishing returns for the time and money.

Maybe it is time to find another IC. Find one who can help you figure out why you respond to her offered dog treats, and work with you to learn and implement new responses.

The 180 is a matter of practice and consistency. You also have to be able to let your WW go, and let go of your feelings for her. This is why I think that knowing and understanding why you still value what she says, why you want to be with a person who treats you with such disdain, will help with you 180, your healing, and ultimately your decisions forward.

Have you considered moving out for a while? I moved out for a few weeks after a boundary was broken. The first few days were painful, but then being away from FWW really helped with detachment. Once I was detached, I could more clearly see my needs, wants, and problems. Check your local laws about abandoning your house and property first, but for me it really helped me and gave FWW a real look at her potential future. Seeing me only at school events, sitting separately, this made it real for her.

What do you need from her?
What do you want in a relationship?
How many of these needs and wants is she making an effort to provide?

-ats


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
justme39
New Member
Member # 31261
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you Atsenaotie. The last post that you added to my understanding of what I need to do and to achieve with the 180. As I read it, I realized why I have continued to fail at the 180. I haven't been willing to set aside my feelings for her and put that energy into strengthening myself. I have always considered the way I love to be a great strength of mine...I put others first, I worry about their happiness more than my own. I actually love that about myself. But it is harming me at this point as I try to get the things that I need out of our relationship.

I am going to make it. I am going to get through this. I am not to the point that I will leave for now, but I hope that I can refocus enough strength into myself through the 180 to do what I need to do.

I am not willing to give up on the relationship. I DO need to be willing to give up on hoping for things that I can not have and expecting feeling for her that just are not there.

If she sees the changes in me and it moves her to change, I will be beyond happy. If not, I will be better off for myself and my kids and I will be able to see things for what the really are.

I can't thank you all enough.


D-Day 3/18/11
Kids 18,15,11
Married 20 years
Trying R

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 10