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User Topic: silence says so much
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I have talked about being shunned before, or the silent treatment, whatever. I have been having this since Thursday I think after I told him
I found some information that made me heartsick.
I know I am pathetic and pitiful to be letting it get to me so hard and not being strong and refocusing. I am doing the refocusing and putting my energies into things that are positive for me. But lunch time just passed again, and we always talk at lunchtime and this is the fifth lunchtime in a row with no contact not to mention no contact the other 24 hours of the day. I know he will take the stance that he had to cut off contact with me because he is under such extreme stress at work and could not handle any stress from what I had discovered. I also know that this is bs and it is emotional abuse.
It makes me feel very small.
This morning he thought I was in the shower but I had stepped out into the bedroom to get something. He was coming down the hallway into the bedroom. When he saw that I was there he stopped and turned around in the other direction. I can’t describe how that felt.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Please begin to take care of you. This type of behavior is abusive and manipulating.

He thinks if he treats you this way you will buckle, stop asking questions and be a "good little wife".

Surprise him, pull a 180, get yourself strong and start making the necessary changes you need to make in order to put you first.

You deserve a husband worthy of your love, he has chosen not to be.

Be good to you.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I totally get this. If I'm not all sunshine and rainbows WH completely shuts down and stops talking to me. He travels for work and I won't receive any communication for days, I don't even know if he is coming or going. Then out of the blue he just shows up and tries to act like nothing happened. They are just so much more comfortable with their heads firmly buried in the sand or in some orifice of their bodies.

IDK if it's shame, guilt, or maybe he hates to see first hand what he has done. Or could just be that he doesn't really give a shit and is waiting for the storm to pass. Who knows, you can't make sense out of nonsense!


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 24th (Monday)

You are not pathetic or pitiful.

But you do deserve more.

I HATE that this is being done to you. Somewhere deep inside you there must be anger over this. Work to find it.

Stop hoping for him to give you what you need honey. Only you can make yourself happy. So start working on it!

Tomorrow? Find something else to do at lunch.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 24th (Monday)

...I also know that this is bs and it is emotional abuse.
It makes me feel very small.
This morning he thought I was in the shower but I had stepped out into the bedroom to get something. He was coming down the hallway into the bedroom. When he saw that I was there he stopped and turned around in the other direction. I can’t describe how that felt.

That is soooo childish! What a douche'!

My dear Queen MIP, as long as you react to his abuse he will continue to mete out this abuse.

I know it is easier said than done but you will have to change the way that you react to his shitty abuse. He is not going to change because he is getting the desired response from you:
It makes me feel very small.

I am so sorry. You are responding to the 'buttons' that he has installed. HE is getting his desired response from you.

This is why the 180 is so important. You will have to detach from him, your 'Give A Shit' will have to break. Turn away from him. Treat him like he is not there. At first he will act like this is what he wants. But there will come a turning point where he will realize that he will not get that response he needs from you and he will begin hoovering you.

Poor sap sucker, Passive Agressive WS are so predictable.

You must ditch him for your own mental health. As you know he can keep up the 'silent treatment' forever. He is waiting for you to break so he can further abuse you with some bullshit backwards thinking...like you need to be a better wife and woo him so he will be nice to you.

No matter how much you protest and try to reason with him, he will twist your words in hurtful ways to push you into a corner with only him to 'save' you...FTG!

This guy is not worth your love and loyalty. You are a kind and loving Queen, your the prize!

Detach your highness! He just a boorish commoner, he is not worthy of your beauty and grace.

Don't feel bad or pathetic. You are still trying to un-install those pesky buttons. It takes practice. The 180 is a cheat sheet guiding you, showing you the shortcuts. Even if you don't understand it all, just fake it for now. Your heart will catch up with your head, because you know he is wrong, wrong, wrong. And now with his crappy behavior he is adding insult to injury.

The nerve....That Bully needs to 'B-GONE'.

Do something nice for yourself during your lunch hour. After a few days of that you will barely think about his shitty treatment of you.

Besides who wants to hear what he has to say...when his lips are moving he is lying!

Have a better day your Highness.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 4:16 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 24th (Monday)

(((karmahappens)))
He thinks if he treats you this way you will buckle, stop asking questions and be a "good little wife".
You nailed it on the head!

I tried the 180 on WH, I held out for 2 weeks! Complete NC! Even when he came home I held out and completely avoided him, didn't speak to him ect.. I finally had to call him because his brother had been admitted to the hospital and was in the ICU. Again, he just acts like nothing happened. I was an emotional wreck the whole time and he was completely unfazed. He's a master at 180!


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2013
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 24th (Monday)

This morning he thought I was in the shower but I had stepped out into the bedroom to get something. He was coming down the hallway into the bedroom. When he saw that I was there he stopped and turned around in the other direction. I can’t describe how that felt.

The silence standoff. Cold silence is a bitch. It hurts to feel discarded and unwanted. In all reality silence is exactly what he wants. He doesn't have to face up to the newfound phone with the side benefit of casting himself in the victim role- she won't talk to me- she is mean- I am so busy at work-how could she do this now... blah, blah, blah....

My H used the one short interval of his work career when things slacked off to have an affair. It is REALLY hard for me to find my empathy for his job situation now. Even when I know his stress level is through the roof. He cried wolf too much for too long.

His job, my temper, the kids, 'just wanting to have a nice night' are all go to answers for not talking, conflict avoiding, not doing what he knows he should. I would want to understand how in this specific instance your H feels it is okay to play silent chicken?

You are never going to get the perfect circumstances to heal on 'good days only'. So you better face up to the days you have. You can't make him face his actions and participate in the marriage. I know that it hurts. It is designed too. That is the worst part.

You do have control over you. He is trying to hurt you. He would rather hurt you than tell you the truth. SEE that.

It is hard to draw the line in the sand. To let go of the outcome when you want so badly to repair. I spent months and months in appeasement mode, love mode, work it out mode. It wasn't until I couldn't stand it one more minute that I drew my line in the sand and meant it -that R really began. It sucks that it took that. But I will also tell you that it is very freeing to get to the point where you know you can handle either outcome.

I am sending you hugs. Limbo with a passive aggressive sucks balls. They LOVE limbo, silence is in their comfy zone. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 24th (Monday)

It wasn't until I couldn't stand it one more minute that I drew my line in the sand and meant it -that R really began. It sucks that it took that.

What did you do exactly? What was your line in the sand?


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Oh My Redrock~

You are never going to get the perfect circumstances to heal on 'good days only'. So you better face up to the days you have. You can't make him face his actions and participate in the marriage. I know that it hurts. It is designed too. That is the worst part.

You do have control over you. He is trying to hurt you. He would rather hurt you than tell you the truth. [bold]SEE that.[/bold]

THIS^^^ Wow, there is the answer right there^^^!

Let go of what how he acts and protect you. He is not hurt or sad, he is deliberately trying to hurt you. And now that you have heard from another survivor talking about living with a PA-WS...she said what I was thinking, he is a coward. This is why he is silent, he cannot cope. He seems so stoic, so strong by ignoring you but really he just is scared. He is scared of the repercussions from his actions...UGH!

Learn that 180, put it into force, Ditch him.

Hugs to you Queen (((((MIP.)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Have been conditioned, to little by little expect less and less until YOU have nothing inside. And you survive on the morsels he deigns to feed you.

Someone very wise wrote this to another member today. Do you recognize it?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6421 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, February 24th (Monday)

((((mainlyinpain))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25259 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 24th (Monday)

But lunch time just passed again, and we always talk at lunchtime and this is the fifth lunchtime in a row with no contact

Can you o something else at lunchtime? Can you go for a walk, head to the shops, preferably something where you dont have your phone with you.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Wink  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I feel so unmoored without this contact. Our lunchtime conversations were my touchstone….I know where he is, I know how the morning went, I know what the rest of the day holds. I can talk to him about the carjacking that happened yesterday two blocks from our house. .. I feel relative safety in that day. I have this daily caring ripped from underneath me where I already had a new major revelation that I laid on the table. I have to deal with that without any anchoring of any kind.

It’s like he was holding my hand and a fog came in and he just let go.

Yes Rebreather, you saw that I was really talking to myself, didn’t you?
I should really take my own advice.

GTH, I am going 180. This one will not break me. I have in the past always been the one to break this, to appeal to him and say I just can’t take this anymore. THIS TIME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN. I hate games, I hate manipulations, but I will not bend or give in. Yes, this button pushed had destroyed me before where I would (yes, Rebreather) “just take the morsels he then deigned to feed me.” I am conditioned. This feels like the heaviest chains wrapped around me. What an effort it feels to work them off.

Redrock, (What was your line in the sand? I second the question)
I know silence is exactly what he wants. It has been a tried, true, tested go-to for him. Another coping mechanism he uses to turn me off. Like a TV, blip, change that channel. But although he treats me like an object, I am a human being. I hurt, I bleed.
“I am so busy at work-how could she do this now... blah, blah, blah....
And also his “just wanting to have a good night” Word For Word the same.
I responded to this for years and you know what I realized now? This is his victim card that he wants to play. He now enjoys the attention that he is given for being so overworked. Both I and his psych, everyone, tells him that he has to reduce workload. And he could, easily, he is his own boss. I realized that not only has his not doing this led to his continued stress, It has also kept him from being available for me. At a time where I need extreme comfort and attention.

He would rather hurt you than tell you the truth. That’s what all the lies are. Choosing to hurt instead of owning the truth. Coward.

Thank you all for your insightful words of support that helped me get through another day.
Like magical little compasses, you are pointing me in the right direction.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Omgosh what a big baby. 180 his ass. I use to hate when my ws would would do this. I would try to be nice and ask what was wrong, try to coax him into a conversation. Finally I just ignored it and continued on my merry way. I kind.of started liking it when he would go in the bedroom and pout with the door closed all night. The last time he did it was the night I made one of his fave dinners. I didn't go into the room and tell him it was ready, I just let him stay in there. The kids and I ate and I fed the rest to the dogs. He cane in hhe kitchen much later and opened the microwave to get his plate he assumed.I saved...he hasn't done it since. Such immature behavior.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5020 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
joannie
Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

So sorry for you too, you give me such good advice..head up, like me you are not weak...but we just don't know how to be strong yet. Thoughts to you from France, always


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

(((Mainlyinpain)))

The time has come for me too. No more, huh?

We Can Do This.


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 195 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

There really isn't anything any of you can say or advise...
Just crying and slipping from being strong. I'm on day eight of shunning. No one knows and I just need for someone to know this is happening to me. I have no motivation to find out any more about any phones or anything...which I am sure is fine with WH. Living with echos.

I should not approach him right? I don't want to but I just want this limbo to end. I want to not hurt. Not be hurt.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 28th (Friday)

I am dying and I think he is doing much better with shunning me. I do not want to and will not be the person who ends this or tries to end this. In the past I always have been and it is demoralizing esp because he will not at first relent he will be angry when I approach him and that is the worst. But I am broken. I know the answer is "dump that guy". I am not even in the realm of wanting to do anything but make this silence end. I have no bitch boots to pull up, no strength to be righteous. I just want this silence to end. I want him to acknowledge there is another human living with him. I am in so much pain, I could not do anything that would bring pain or arguing or discord. I feel like a burn victim. Anything that disrupts will bring horrendous pain. Only thing that would help is soothing comfort. But any kind of contact at all is being withheld. I feel worse than a dog kicked into the corner. I am not even left a water bowl. I feel so pitiful writing this.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 28th (Friday)

(((big hugs)))

This is abuse. He's pushing your buttons. You CAN find bitch boots.

Do you have a good friend nearby who you can go see for the weekend? I think you should get out of that environment. Don't explain, just pack a bag and go stay in a close family member or friend's guestroom. Let them take care of you if possible. Or propose you and the friend do something you both enjoy for the weekend.

Please get out of this situation. You are at a point where you'd be happy with a crumb. It's awful. Please PLEASE find something to do this weekend for you that gets you out of the home.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 28th (Friday)

norabird, I think you are clairvoyant. I should have left the house. He was just a timebomb waiting to explode.

I just blew everything up. He came home early and I knew he was just going to ignore me and go to another hockey game or somewhere. When he came in I went to him. He just showed me anger that really escalated. He started saying-I'm not going to talk to you-I'm going to a hockey game! I said that is just not acceptable this is the third game in a row you have gone to while not speaking to me at all. Then he screams how he has the right to relax after working all day and I spend all my time looking for things to destroy us and he is tired of it all. I say I am tired of it too. He says I am tired of you accusing me of things I didn't do. I said I didn't accuse you of doing anything. OH YES YOU DID
No, I try to say but he keeps yelling over me saying he doesn't want to hear anything I have to say. Finally I get to get out--What I said to you was that I found something to make me heartsick. He yells, you just want to find out stuff to destroy us. I say I want to find out the truth. He says we're over. I say fine. Then I tell him that I found a phone, another secret phone from 2009 that shows he had contact with OW then and that shows 750 hours of previous use. He yells he had no other phone. I say I found it in garage. I say it was paid for by her. He says no she didn't get it for me. I say she didn't get it? It thought it didn't exist! The he screams we're over and he's tired of it all. Just screaming at me that I should have better things to do that spend time on the computer (SI) talking to these people. Just a whole rant and rant and tearing me down leaving me shaking and crying and desolate. Is this the end? Have I tried and endured and in the end he will decide it is over? I could not have found the phone and not confronted about it right? That would be rugsweeping. I have a right to question and verify and express fears about what may be happening, right? I am so alone against him. I don't know if I can just give up when we haven't even had any MC but he has had IC and he is at this place, no empathy, no understanding, saying it is over. Would MC do any good? Does he really mean it's over? This hurts so much.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I actually had called a MC and made an appt for me for next Wed. Do I keep this? This is the MC that his psych referred him to and that he was supposed to make an appt with but he only had time available on a day when he always has clients booked. OK but we are dying without communication, without MC. So I called and asked if I could come in alone first time. He says yes, he likes to meet both couples separately at first. Then I find out he is in the same office as WS psych and I am uncomfortable with that but I would go ahead anyway, try whatever I can I thought.

But now I am just so demoralized by him telling me that we are over because HE can't take it. I do know that he is under extreme stress at work but am I the whipping boy for that? Does he have to tear me down for that? Or does he really have so little feeling for me that he will tell me it is over because he can't stand my pain and questions?
Is this just blame-shifting? Have I had all this done to me and he is going to say he has had enough? He also kept yelling that he is tired of me playing the victim....was just so mean. I am afraid I am going to grovel to him for comfort....because the pain is so bad. I called my son for some comfort but I can't do that too much, he is highly stressed at school. I have no one else, they are all tired of this and can't really help. I wish there was some magic want I could wave to make him not hurt me. This pain is all encompassing I can't think of anything else. He hurt me so much.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

You do have a magic wand - it's called the 180. Please, take the biggest, deepest breath and make concrete plans to get out of this relationship. This is abuse and not one thing about it is acceptable.

(((mainlyinpain)))


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies


Posts: 195 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Heavy Sigh
Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

MIPain,

I haven't read past posts to know your story. But please reread what you've written. You speak of him as if he is a parent and you are a scared child needing "daddy" to come home and make you less scared of the carjacking person or the boogeyman just to get through the day? I'm concerned that this fearfulness is a more serious concern for your life, and with deeper roots than just having a habitually cheating husband? Do you have regular friends to talk to about your day? To meet for lunch?

When I become a hermit in my life from others, which I do when I gain weight, the fearfulness, self-absorption and neediness increase to where people are happy to flee from my presence.

Please talk to your counselor about neediness and being the adult in your life again, so that he must treat you like an adult instead of as a pesky child displeasing him.

You cannot control his behavior or choices. You can change only yourself.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

His behavior only makes sense on Unremorseful WS Planet.

He continues to lie to you......and you being upset/pissed off about it does NOT make you a victim. You have every right to ask questions about that phone you found.

Your WH is pulling out every abusive trick in the book to use on you right now because he knows that you aren't going to *do* anything.....and he has made sure to put you in the *emotional space* of not *being* able to do anything about it, kwim?

I spent way too long trying to deal with a WH who didn't want to *give up* the truth to me and continually said things to me such as your WH is saying to you. One day I realized that he was treating me like a dog.....and that he wasn't one of those *nice* dog-owners, he was one of those sadistic ones (like Sid(?) in Toy Story). I *knew* he was still lying to me, and he knew that I knew it. My WH would *dangle* a little encouragement/truth in front of my face, and then when I went to *bite* it......he'd yank it away, stuff it in his own mouth and laugh like a maniac. (Not literally, but THAT was how it *felt* when he would withhold information and make *me* out to be the problem). In time, being treated like that REALLY started to piss me off because it is so, so demeaning and disrespectful.

You need to get pissed about this treatment.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7996 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I too have experienced what you are going thru.
It is not easy and it can wear you down to a shadow of yourself over time.

My Wh too had "stress at work" and couldn't deal with the "talking".

So I waited for a better time...tried to be the better person.
My kids don't know, they may suspect.

I just want to say this to you "mainlyinpain"

If you are waiting for a "better" time to deal with it with your WH......it may never come.

It has been over 4 years for me since D-Day.

"The good time to talk" never came.
We are able to be in the same room and be cordial to one another. He acts like everything is ok and even tries a hug at times, but I just can't hug back anymore.

Now I am waiting for the good time to separate. Moneywise and less stress for WH, time is coming soon.

It makes me sad to give up on a marriage, but I also can't live like this anymore.

I have lost my strength even more now and I don't feel happy often. I feel stuck and don't even know if a separation is the right thing sometimes.

But there is sill that glimmer in me that sees the calmness for me that overrides the hardships of leaving this marriage.

Good luck to you and do see an MC....even if it is just for you. It helps to get the strength to see clearer and to feel good about yourself.

(Maybe I need to see one again myself )


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2903 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

You absolutely know what needs to be done. Now do it. DO NOT let me treat you like this. My advice to you would be to either tell him it is time for him to leave or else you are going to. Then do it. He will continue to treat you like this until you make the decison to make him stop. My guess is that once you leave he will be calling and checking up on you constantly.

Seems he needs to be the one in control since he knows he really has not control. My h for the most part did the same for years after his a when I would confront him with questions he didn't care to answer. He would clam up and go in his silent mode thinking that it would take care of itself. These days years later, he knows this shit doesn't fly anymore because he knows quite frankly that I WILL LEAVE plain and simple.

All of us long time SI-ers know this game only too well. It is not a game you want to play. So box it up and tell him you will not be playing this round. Turn the tables around. YOU are not the one who did anything wrong.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 11:33 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2423 | Registered: Sep 2005
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Thank you guys, Sparkle, Heavysigh, deena, gonna and ticked who responded back today. After this thread I wrote on another thread, "he says he's through".

This rage was very painful, coming after 8 days of silence. And my being the bigger person and breaking that silence which was precipitated by that phone I found, which I know you are all correct and I have the perfect necessary right to confront him with that. Which I did not even do as I knew it would cause a rage. I told him I would give the info to his psych and he could handle it there.

When the rage happened I was already so hurt from the silence. I never know when this rage will occur but I now know that there is no rationality to it. I know I should not engage and really was not able to as the rage would not let me speak, did not want me to speak, did not care what I said. This is no way to communicate. Yet, I am conditioned and every thing he said was a wound to me. To a body, mind and heart that is already on life support.

I have stepped back now and look at this rationally and tell myself that I should not be communicated to in that way. I have done no harm. Any fault that he thinks I have can at any time be addressed to me in a calm and concerned manner. Hey honey---I want to talk about this---I am concerned about this----I would like change here.....Fantastic! This is communication, this is two people working on life together. This is how I communicate with him. I schedule a time to speak, I make notes ahead of time, I allow him to answer or suggest or defend.

Not spilled out vilely in a rage to a damaged person. Who is not able to defend or protect because is not allowed to speak. How horrible.

Heavy Sigh, No I did not want to talk to him about the carjacking in our neighborhood to protect me or because I was scared , but as a way of sharing the incidents of our day, our life. If anything the relationship is me as a parent and him as a child, I worry about him, not the other way around. I have been somewhat of a hermit lately, deflecting offers of lunch dates and such because I do not feel I would be good company. I will work more on that.

Gonna, I have moved from extreme hurt at this treatment and feeling like there must be something wrong with me for him to act like I am repellant. I have been ground down into low self-esteem. I am now more sure that everything he said was nonsense, from how he thinks it is my fault because I just couldn't move on. Move on? Do you have any concept of my last twelve months? Not too mention the last fifteen years? He said he told his psych that he was never talking about A again....seemed to relate that his psych agreed that was what he needed. None of my calls to psych have been returned.

Deena, we are in the same boat. It is sad, right? The loss we see looming. Can't even fathom the gain. Cause life has been such a battle I envision such a battle to change and am already exhausted. yes, go talk to a mc or ic to help you sort this out.

TO, I am not going to leave my home. This is the house my son comes back to and he would much rather come back to a house with me init than WS. And I am not the one who needs to scuttle away with her tail between her legs. And he owns his parents empty house, the house her daughter told me he was living in while waiting to divorce me two years ago. The house that is a shrine to his parents and his FOO issues. He can go there and make her story a reality.
I don't feel that my leaving has much power or the threat of it. Because she is always in the background, looming like a vulture. So he has a second choice. For whatever reason I am his first choice to live with and be married to so far. Lucky me.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I am stuck in between.
I have the MC appt tomorrow, by myself, that I am apprehensive about. I have to trot out the whole horrid story for yet another person, this one is a male and I have only had females before. I should first ask his opinion on dealing with affairs in marriage and what else?

I am feeling pulled between a need to find out what WH is doing as there is no communication between us at all, still being shunned. I have constant apprehension about what is going on behind my back.

I today felt bad about myself, feeling like his righteous anger maybe means there is something wrong with me. How else could he write such mushy things about what I mean to him in a Valentine's card two weeks ago and then say we are finished. He said I spend all my time looking for things wrong about him? This is not true, right? I don't know how else to be at this point except to be suspicious of everything he says or does and to try and find information. It is to calm my fears and not to be hurtful to him. This is where I have been twisted to feel bad about this. I feel bad that anything I do causes him pain. I know this is the results of his choices and a consequence of his actions, why does he not?

I am just so hurt by him not caring about what I feel for not caring about me at all and how much in pain this shunning does to me. So hurt by how he rejected my offer of comfort to him the night of his rage. I feel so pulled in two direction by him....one week I am his soul mate....the next week we are over he says as he rages and makes me feel repellant to him.
But I always feel at fault. Why is this? He makes me feel like I am less worthy of my pain of this because he has so much pain/stress at his work. I know it is terrible for him and he barely functions with his workload. But it does not seem right that that means he has nothing for me for what I am in pain about. He seems to need to say that he is the more important person and my issues are less than his so his should supercede. I think I am feeling intense pain from how he rejected me when I told him I had new info that caused me heartache.
I am stuck..


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

(((mainlyinpain)))

I am stuck in between.

I am stuck..

What does this mean? How are you stuck?

If you take WH out of the equation, what do YOU want?


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Just curious why he is seeing a psychiatrist... does he have any diagnosis of mental illness?

His behavior towards you is very cruel, manipulative and controlling. Could he possibly be cheating again. Many cheaters create and escalate hostility and conflict intentionally so they can have more freedom and less accountability so they can cheat more easily.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

He is 180ing you and it should be the other way around. Hugs.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Thanks IWant.

I am stuck between thinking we were in R and his raging at me after I tried to end a week of silence and telling me we are over and was moving out on Sunday and then nothing happening. He will not talk and acts as if I am repellant if we cross paths. I had made a MC appt for me before the rage episode and the telling me we are over and now feel like I don't know if I have a marriage to need a MC.

He is working 12 hour days so we don't have much time in the same house but it is still unbearable. As the time approaches for him to come home each time my anxiety increases. To take him out of the equation means a total life overhaul. Our families are enmeshed. My work is work I do at home for his business. He tells me he is out of here and then he plays basketball with my brother on Monday night. And speaks not a word to me. Anger emotes from him.

He sees a psych. I am unsure as to diagnoses but I think they include depression which he is on meds for, some medication he is on for stopping using cocaine. Possible bipolar II. His psych from three years ago diagnosed suicidal, self-destructive behavior and both show narcissistic tendencies. He also is an almost pathological liar which has shown some improvement, I think. Mostly he seems to go there and talk about his work stress. During his rage his told me that at his last psych meeting he had told him he was never talking about A again. We have not had MC since I found out about his continued contact with OW and revelation of drug use, purchased from OW.

I do worry that he is cheating. I felt uncomfortable near Valentines Day when he gave me flowers. early but had no receipt for flowers or card and was very upset and defensive that I questioned that. And his story changed a bit. Made me feel bad when he also said how he was just trying to do a nice thing and I have to question it and ruin it. I would have expected understanding that I fear things I can not verify. Instead he was just defensive.

whatthe, when you say "His behavior towards you is very cruel, manipulative and controlling" can you tell me which behaviors exhibit which of these? I know it must be obvious to you but I am very mind-muddled and can't verbalize what action means what. It just all hurts. thanks


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

(((((MIP)))))

You always feel at fault because you have been emotionally abused, honey. Can you see that? Can you accept that he is wrong? That you should not defer to him and let his warped vision of the world control you?

This is not about your being at fault or unworthy. It is about your being married to a cruel man who uses you. He has you conditioned.

When you see the MC, don't even bother to ask about how to deal with an affair because it's beyond that. You need to ask how to break free from a controlling husband and regain your sense of self.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Our posts crossed! I'm going to take a stab at answering your question to whattheh.

It is cruel because he is denying your emotional needs and depriving you of the love and security that a true partner should give freely. It is cruel because his rage frightens you and his silence reduces you to nothing.

It is manipulative because he is withholding that affection as punishment for your daring to raise a subject HE does not wish to discuss. He is trying to train you to hate his reaction to the topic so much that you avoid it.

It is controlling because he is REFUSING to engage on any subject not of his choosing. Because he is refusing to meet you halfway but insisting on his terms only.

And all of those things are abuse.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Wow, norabird. I used to be very verbal and concise with my vocabulary, but I am so screwed up that I can't even find the words to say what I feel and what what he does makes me feel. Your words were perfect and I am printing them out to take with me tomorrow to the MC. You have given me the clarity to describe exactly what I feel. I am hoping this goes well and gives me direction.

norabird, I wish I could send you some flowers. You are always there with a kind word that is insightful yet kind.

Thank you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Here are some flowers for all of us! Crocuses, because they are the first things to come up in spring...and when they appear, it's still a little cold and blustery, but they give hope that yes, the days are going to get longer and warmer and winter will pass.

I hope your session goes well today.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

This morning he was up early and left early for whatever reason, don't know. I of course think he is meeting her in their old place as she has Wed off and they used to have sex in morning. Probably not that at all, for all I know he went to church. But I don't know.

Anyway, before he left I approached him and started to talk. A few words in he, not looking at me, just angrily says I am not talking. I said I am going to say this sentence. I said....you need to do what you said you were going to do. You told me no less than fifteen times that we were over, that you were through. You said you were packing last Sunday. You need to do that. This limbo is too painful for me, too much torture. I don't know why you want to continue living with someone when you behave as if I am repellant to you, you exude hatred. This needs to stop. I have done nothing to hurt anyone. As I was talking he walked to another room and said nothing.

Anyway, I felt better. I am allowed to speak if I so desire.
Beautiful flowers, norabird.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

((((mainly)))) Sending you strength and comfort, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25259 | Registered: Aug 2011
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Stand up to him, stand up for yourself. I am so proud of you!

Anyway, I felt better. I am allowed to speak if I so desire.

THIS^^^is so beautiful.

Strength and grace. Beautiful.

(((((MIP)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
LadyLove
Member
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

((Mainly)).. My heart hurts for you.. I wish I could throat punch that fucker for you..


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Lady love...... ....picturing it, .......
Well, it's the thought that counts!

Thanks, GtH, I thought it was empowering for me.

Only thing, went to see new MC, a man (haven't had before). Not sure how I feel, really liked the female one has seen once before who is too far away.
He was all over the place with random questions and I could hardly keep the facts straight. Was very matter of fact, kind of made light of stuff, would put me on the spot, if I answered I don't know to something he would say ...Yes you do....(when I really didn't). He asked what do you really want and I said truth and he said no you don't what you really want is to stay married that's why you havent' seen a lawyer. I said no I want truth. If he told me truthfully, that he was with OW or wanted to be or loved her I would say good go be with her and I would feel great. Because I would know the truth and I could make a f-n decision finally, based on a truth. I mentioned fears of currently contacting OW or using coke and he said I should continue investigating that. Argggghhhhh

But he told me I should not engage WH, don't draw line in sand. That he is not going to do what I tell him so don't bother. Also when I said how WH always want to make it about how stressed he is at work he said that his father was also in that business and he knows that they are really busy at this time. Nothing about how no matter how busy he should have time for marriage also.

I made another appt with him for next week because he said I needed to talk to someone or that it would help or something. I don't know. I think one more appt and if I don't feel it.....no more.

So basically, continue to let silence reign. Continue to be worried about the behind my back stuff and try to investigate to verify.

I am going somewhere to scream some expletives.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 11:17 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I just read through all this and I have trouble understanding why you feel trapped and powerless.

Why aren't you angry at him for ignoring you? He knows it hurts you. He is trying to hurt you. His choice when you are upset is to further hurt you. This is abuse.

There is no way you are in R with this dickhead. I'm sorry because I know that's what you really want, but he's not participating in R.

Why aren't you ignoring him? When you described your "blow up" and I read how he responded all I could picture was a man child with his hands over his ears screaming "lalalalalala I can't hear you lalalalala".

The MC is right. You want more than the truth. You want R. You are going to have to come to terms that your WH has no intention of reconciliation. He wants to rugsweep and he's very pissed off that you won't.

You should go see a lawyer so you can do something to ease your feelings of helplessness.

I think going back to the MC is a good idea. Give it a chance. He wants you to detach and start to take back the control you have. Somehow you have given it all away to someone who hurts you.

You can get it back. So many people have posted trying to encourage you and keep you going. What would you tell a child who is being bullied? You are being bullied. Your thoughts and feelings matter. They do not need your WH's approval to be valid and true. He's a lying bully. One step at a time. the 180....


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Betrayed, I AM angry. I feel powerless to change the situation because I have a H who won't engage. Maybe I am not seeing things correctly. I feel powerless because he has said we are over and he is done and leaving and then does not leave. What do I do then? I am not moving out, he knows that. He has an extra house to move to. Really, if that is what he wanted I would be happy if he did it. It is the mixed message, I am constantly jerked one way and then the other with him. And overlying it all is no trust.
MC saying I want R is too simplistic for me. Of course I am still here or was still here before the rage incident because I wanted R. But I was very very sure I did not have the necessary truth of what happened over the last ten years and what the relationship with OW really was. I had lies and I knew there were lies and I knew I was not going to get truth out of him without MC. And I knew there was not really R without truth. So it is an iffy R where I need truth. Finding the phone from 2009 might make we want to stop R. I need him to come clean about that phone and the real parameters of their relationship. I want TRUTH. More than R.
I do need to see a lawyer for myself.
I felt so sure before seeing MC that my WH lament of work work work stress should not be valid but then the MC seemed to say, oh yes, it is a very tough time for him. But what does that mean to me? Do I put aside all of my needs for that? Doesn't finding a phone that shows lies trump work work work? I ended up not knowing if I was right to confront with the phone. Feeling that I should have sat on that info until a designated time that was less stress for WH. That makes me crazy. Mostly I want the silence to stop no matter what replaces it. I would be happy to hear him say I am leaving because I want OW. Because that would be a truth. Silence gives me nothing.

The silence went on for a week. I didn't have a blow up, I approached him and he had a blowup last Friday. I approached him today to say he should do what he said and leave. These were my two communications with him since he commenced the silence. I am otherwise ignoring him also. But, there is no satisfaction there. There is limbo. This is where I feel powerless.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

MIP...even with the truth...if he still treated you like this, why would you stay with him? Whatever you do or don't know about his A, his behavior is reason enough to not be with him. I know it is hard for you to feel that way. But I also know that you are miserable and that you deserve to be happy and independent, and can get there eventually.

I would try not to worry about what the MC said about the busy season at work. I don't think it was his place to make that comment, but you can ignore it. You are right, there is no excuse for WH brushing you off no matter how busy he may be.

There may be something useful in what he says about not trying to engage though....detachment by another name. Focus on you!

If the next meeting with this MC doesn't make you feel like he 'gets' it or can support you, I hope you look around for another IC instead of giving up.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry that you are here. Sending Mojo.

Because I would know the truth and I could make a f-n decision finally, based on a truth
.

How many times have we heard *actions, not words*? At this time, do the *facts* of the A really matter anymore? He is showing you who he really is. Why don't you believe your own eyes?

This is where I feel powerless.

You're not. File

Why don't you believe you are worthy of so much more?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2796 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

You HAVE the truth. He has said he doesn't want to stay married or talk about it. He comes and goes whenever he wants, probably seeing OW. He has no respect for you because he sees you as weak. He is treating you like crap, wishing you would leave him alone, and you are begging him to engage and talk.

He knows even if he told you the truth, even if it's he's sleeping with OW, you are not going to do anything different.

Until you respect yourself, he will never respect you. You have to stop waiting on him to speak and you need to move on. You want to fight, he is done fighting.


Posts: 499 | Registered: Aug 2009
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I think what he really is done with is owning any truths. He wants to stay married to me on his terms. His terms being I never talk about A and I dont' have truth about A.

I now believe he never stopped contact. Whether there was sex or not, whether for a period of years it was phone contact, who cares. This is so deeply painful. There were years there after first DDay where I gave my heart and soul, I opened myself up and was completely vulnerable and thought I finally had a committed relationship, was finally valued and treasured. That was a lie. How insidious, How d deviant, such disrespect for my life, heart and soul.

I did not listen to MC, This morning I woke up in bed next to this nonverbal manchild. I said, get out, get out , get out.
Why are you here? You treat me like a piece of shit. Why do you want to live with someone who you feel that way about? You never were truthful. You lied. for the past fifteen years you lied. You lied to me and were fucking around with her......
He says.....I wasn't fucking around with her.....I believe still tryng to maintain he did not have sex since first dday....however he defines sex who knows.
Insidious lies. I said I know you were with her or in contact with her I HAVE THE PHONE from 2009 that shows 750 previous hours.
He just yells the problem is you can't move on from the past....that was the past.
I say....a past you don't even respect me enough to tell the truth about. A past that she knows all about ....my life that she knows all about and not me. Get out get out get out.

I am filing. Have commitments til later this afternoon. Then I pick a lawyer, make an appt and let the chips fall where they may.

I am woman, hear me roar.

That aged me.

Actually somehow the theme from Underdog keeps running in my head.

I am getting dressed to leave. He is vacuuming. Ignoring me.
No one dead yet.

Ciao bellas.....and whatever the masculine version of that is!



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I am woman, hear me roar.

Loud and Proud.

I am sorry that it had to come to this, but Oh boy am I glad you dusted off the bitch boots to kick him in the Ass!

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2796 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I feel powerless to change the situation because I have a H who won't engage.

You don't need him to engage with you in order to change the situation.

You'd only need him to engage with you if you were working towards R. I think that's what's hanging you up. The hope that he wants it, if it's still possible.

He is telling with his actions and treatment of you that R isn't possible but it seems like you don't want to hear/see that. We know it's a painful realization.

He isn't sending mixed signals. He is using every method he can to manipulate you. He knows you'll interpret them as mixed signals and not hold him to anything.

I think the MC is trying to upset you enough to make you stand up for yourself. He is minimizing your WH's bullshit so you will say "hey this isn't right-what about me" then he can help you go on from there.

Either that or the MC is an asshole. Go again to see how you feel.

I'm really proud of you that you are seeing a lawyer. File for exclusive use of the home and then he will have to leave. That's the power you have and you don't need his help to do that.

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder....
You are strong and you deserve to be treated with love.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Starzjourney
Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

{{{MIP}}}

I mostly post in S/D thread...lurk here...I felt a need to respond to your post because it touched something inside of me...my STBXWHRL treated me in many of the same ways after each D-day and I felt so much of what you have expressed, I have been to humiliated to post those feelings...looking back it is hard for me to understand why I gave him so much power because that is what you are doing, the only answer, I loved him more than I loved myself...

I did not (and still struggle with) believing that the man I spent almost 20 years of my life with could be so selfish, manipulative and just down & dirty emotionally abusive...but it's true, he is...

You aren't going to get the truth you need on your terms, if you ever get the truth in it's entirety at all...the reality is you know the truth. I know this is hard,but you deserve better, commit to giving yourself this gift...let it go...once you do, you will find a strength you never knew you had.

Take care of you...F.T.G...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

MIP, been following your story and I'm really hopeful for you. Good for you for deciding to file. You DESERVE so much better.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jan 2014
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Thank you 5454, I need all the strength you can send.

Btryd, …..fighting all who rob or plunder……that’s what I feel like I am doing…fighting the bad guy….that happens to be my WH.

I think the MC was an okay guy….just kind of smug. Told me he hasn’t taking new clients for three years and was seeing me as favor to WH psych. Just seemed like he had seen it all before and kept cutting me off and saying… and what happened after that when I was not finished with what needed to be told. Very disjointed. But only 45 min to try and put a timeline on fifteen years. Asked unnecessary questions like my health situation, wanted to know any malady I may have, what I had been prescribed, did I do physical therapy, etc. Wanted to know who pays for my son’s education. Just waste of time questions.

Starz, I am so sorry if you have also been treated like this, have also felt this pain and anguish. It does feel like your “loved one” is torturing you. I know you are right…..we love them more than we love ourselves and certainly more than they love us. I am very afraid of this future….very afraid of this horrible process. I still can’t believe this is the guy I met and have loved since I was 18. I just ask “Why”?
Thank you Veronique, for the kind words.

I am going to start looking looking to find a lawyer or two or three to make appts with. Do not look forward to that, feel very exposed.

I have been thinking though, that even though life will change dramatically, probably mostly not for the better, there will be peace.
In MY home. Peace will reign.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

So, his psych just gives me a call. I have called him three times in the past two weeks and now he calls. I realized after the end of the call that I gave him a whole lot of information but he gave me none.

I did not ask any questions about WH status, functioning, progress, concerns. I told him this whole saga and update. Afterwards I realized that he did not give me any info or assurance of WHs current mental state or plans. Before he did. Curious.

He seemed to be interested in my seeing MC. Thought that WH should know this. I said I really dont' see any point in him knowing that. He encouraged me to see him again for myself. I feel like he may have been saying something without saying it KWIM? He did at the end say he would talk about all this with WH when next he sees him. Did not say next week, I think they are now only meeting every two weeks.

I have two enquiries in to two lawyers, waiting for them to contact me.

I just took some names off the state bar website.

Getting anxious now about this evening when he comes home. My sister said I could always go and sleep in her daughter's old room. Just hate to have to leave my home. But it is an option if anything gets ugly.

A question. What would have been a good response to him when he kept saying that the problem is I can't get over the past. I responded that I didn't know what the past was as he lied about it and that he had contact with her for the past 15 years. His response---I'm not doing that now.

Just don't want to get caught in that loop again if we converse.
I don't want flippant or derisive words, not into hostility. Just not really verbal lately, too emotional. Just wish I had a sentence I could say to that that he would not have a response of "i'm not doing that now".

Thanks.



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

What would have been a good response to him when he kept saying that the problem is I can't get over the past

You mean your WH right? If so, tell him you aren't interested in hearing more of his excuses and bullying and then walk away. You don't have to be nasty when you say it. He's not in a place where any discussion will end with you feeling good about it. His head is still up his ass. And his words fluster you and make you feel confused. If he asks to talk, say no thanks.

I'm very proud of you for contacting the lawyers. I hope you are proud of yourself too.

I'm concerned with his psych getting all into your business. He's not your doctor so you don't have a confidential agreement with him. Anything you tell him will go to your WH and I don't like the feel of that.

And HE SET UP THE MC VISIT? I really don't like this. I feel like they are all setting you up. I don't know, I just don't like the whole vibe I'm getting. Premeditated agenda is all I can think of.

My gut says cancel the next MC and set yourself up with IC.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1743 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 7:59 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 7:53 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 7th (Friday)

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 7:57 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 57