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User Topic: I can't make this S#!t up...it just keeps getting worse
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Stop  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I confessed to my husband a month ago. He wants to work on things. I do too. Only my heart and feelings aren't into it. I struggle to show any emotions to him as they just aren't coming fast enough. I still have feelings for AP. Not sure why but I do and in talking to my husband so much about the affair has made the feelings stronger.

So Sat night we go out for a fun night of dinner and drinking and I proceed to get shit faced. I don't normally drink martinis and at first we didnt think there was any alcohol in them, well then it all hits me. After 4.5 drinks. I am wasted. Thankfully he is not. On the way home I start crying. Most of this I dont even remember but he refreshed my memory the next day. I am crying in the car and he asks why and I tell him taht I miss the AP. He gets pissed off and yells at me that it's so over and we are done, figure out what to tell the kids etc. We get home and he asks if I want to be taken to AP's house and I say YES. Thankfully he doesnt know where that is because we didnt get far he said before he turned around. Thank God I didnt direct him to AP's old house with his wife since AP would not be there but the wife would.

Anyway we get home, I proceed to puke in the toilet before going to bed. I dont remember this stuff as I thought I passed out but must have only blacked out, passing out would have better since my mouth would have been shut then. He says he is sleeping in our sons room and I yell to him that he never loved me blah blah blah. Then I tell him that AP and I had sex all the time and it was amazing. I go on and on about the sex. At some point he stays in bed with me so that I dont hurt myself as he was getting worried about how drunk I was. I then get naked on top of him and tell him to fuck me like the AP does. Nice huh? Then I say that I can't believe I left someone that loved me for you. blah blah blah

I couldn't believe all this when he told me. Just over and over about how great the sex was, how great we just fit together etc.

I apologized but the damage is done and my husband says drunken words have a lot of truth to them which is true to a degree.

I went to IC today and told him about all this. He doesnt think it was so horrible as he said it's better to get out all your true thoughts and heal together without any secrets or desires but says that he still stands by the fact that for some reason I am really angry with my husband. I just dont know if there is any truth to that.

Husband still wants to make things work but says it's getting harder and harder since I show no remorse and keep kicking him as he's down. I agree with him. Plus we are opposite sides of thinking. His brain is telling him to end the marriage but his heart is saying he loves me. My brain is saying make it work but my heart is saying I need to leave.

So I think it's best for me to go and find somewhere else to live. I hate the idea of telling the kids but I think it's what needs to be done. I need to get some clear space around me to figure out what I want. Therapist says to be honest about what I am doing. If I'm going to contact AP to tell my husband. I really dont want to contact AP but it is a constant battle. I dont really know why. yes I loved him and we had an amazing time together but it's over now and I need to focus on my marriage. But I can't let go long enough to heal.

If I spend some time alone maybe it will help me see things better. Maybe my marriage cant be saved. I cant show him true remorse. It's not there and I'm wondering if it ever will be. I havent seen AP for 2 months. If roles were reversed I dont think I could take my husband back. He is being so strong and wants to make it work because he says he loves me and our family. I do too but why isn't that enough?


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I actually don't think it's bad that you let it all out, drunk or not.

I am left wondering "why is she so angry at her BH? Why do you not think he loved you?"

Figure that out.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I most likely said "you never loved me" because it's a game I've always played when dating. Shove them away so they come back. I don't really think he never loved me. I know he did. I think I was saying it just so he could reassure me. I hate that about myself. I find I have always done that crap. "Oh it's too late to come over" and if they say yes you're right then I'm pissed so I say crap so they will reassure me and if they don't, look out. Ugh! So I reverted to my game playing which I dont do in my marriage normally.

Thing is I know he loves me and I dont need his reassurance, he needs mine.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, February 24th (Monday)

The alcohol definitely is not helping you here.

That aside I'm impressed with how honest you are being with yourself and consequently with us.

I agree with your IC about complete honesty with your BH. I know it's what you are struggling to do but I think maintaining NC with the AP is in your best interest no matter the outcome of your M.

I understand your desire for space to get your head straight but I would be concerned about the effect of separation on your M and your kids.

How are you doing with maintaining mental NC? The more you do that the less you will have feelings of missing the AP.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 24th (Monday)

My take -

Somewhere deep inside you feel if you keep dropping live grenades in your marriage, and lobbing them at your husband, then

1) He'll kick you out. And your foggy self that still wants an affair and deep lurrrvvv with your AP gets her selfish way.

or

2) Your "affair seeking self" kicks your "decent wife and mother self" out by convincing yourself you're so awful you don't deserve to be home and happy, or you need "time to figure things out", thus allowing all sorts of AP acting out, with him or a new flavor of the month.

Either way, you are simply creating the exit your foggy, affair addled and lurrrvvv seeking selfish self seeks.

Right now, it's all about you. "It" doesn't keep getting worse. YOU are choosing to MAKE things worse. This has nothing to do with martinis. And everything with you not wanting to grow up and start being authentic to yourself, and those you say you love.

Divorce and go live your dreamy soulmate filled happily ever after. Or look in the mirror and tell yourself it's time to get real and make real changes in your life. You, your husband, and your children deserve better.

You confessed for this? This is your work toward change and becoming authentic? This is the best you've got?

You're selling yourself short. YOU deserve better than this particular version of YOU.

But, hey, this is just my read. And just IMHO. You do get credit for sharing ugly truths. It's not easy to do. BTDT.

You're obviously an intelligent person from your posts. You plan on putting that to good use sometime soon? I hope you do.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:43 PM, February 24th (Monday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 24th (Monday)

Let your husband go. It''ll hurt both of you for awhile, and your kids will probably need therapy, but you really don''t seem to love him. How much more torture are you going to put this guy through?

he still stands by the fact that for some reason I am really angry with my husband.

Uh, yeah, I didn''t need a PhD in psychology to figure that out. But you''re not angry with your husband because of anything he did, or failed to do. You''ve got a deep well of anger about...something. And you''re directing it at your husband because, mostly, he''s a safe outlet for it.

yes I loved [AP] and we had an amazing time together

I''m sorry you haven''t yet come to the realization that your "love" and "amazing time" had little to do with AP the man, and was mostly just a way of you self-medicating whatever deep-down-damage is causing you to be so angry at your husband. Hasn''t your therapist told you that? It wasn''t him. It was you. And until you figure that out, it''s going to continue to be you...in every relationship you ever have.

Good luck.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1181 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I most likely said "you never loved me" because it's a game I've always played when dating. Shove them away so they come back.

So confused43 you're 42 going on 15.
When do you think you might grow up?

If I spend some time alone maybe it will help me see things better.

After a drunken tantrum telling your BH how inadequate he is compared to your fuck buddy you want to run away.

After this, do you still think you're basically a good person?
Because I gotta tell you, in my universe, good people don't do what you just did.

He is being so strong and wants to make it work because he says he loves me and our family. I do too but why isn't that enough?

Because you are still deluding yourself, that you and your fuck buddy are decent people and that your luuurve was all that and more.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:31 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

((((confused43)))

If you were here, I'd be torn between hugging the broken WS that I can see and smacking the foggy WS in front of me. Its often said that regret is being sorry about being caught, remorse is the gut wrenching discovery that you just destroyed your BS as you acted out your broken WS life. From the tone of your last post, I'm not sure you have even found yourself at regret, never mind remorse. Sad ...

I believe that JustDesserts is correct when he says your actions and your words reflect the reality that you are simply creating the exit your foggy, affair addled and lurrrvvv seeking selfish self seeks.

Swinging 2x4's isn't my usual style but it could be that only blunt messages stand a chance of getting into your foggy head cause its apparent that nothing else is.

So, lets start with the first issue of your drunken talk. It seems that you are grasping to the old Roman saying that WINE makes Truth or the French saying of "A drunk mind speaks a sober heart" in order to justify your actions. The infamous thought of "if it came out when I was drunk, then it must be true" theory is a whole lot of crap. Always was, always is. Especially for a foggy, affair addled WS! Look, nobody is arguing that the base emotions that you might have expressed in your drunken stupor don't exist. Of course, they do. You just ended an affair with the AP and are struggling with letting go. We understand that crap, after all, BTDT.

But and its a big but, you need to remember that alcohol lowers your inhibitions and distorts your reality. Since our brain chemistry determines who we are, alcohol with its stimulant / depressant chemical properties does not simply let out our true, unchanged selves, it changes who we are. Alcohol can makes us happy, woozy, enthusiastic, gregarious and loud. It can also turn us into angry, mean spirited drunks too. It is a complicated drug with all sorts of good and bad effects. But it does not make us genuine. It just makes us dumb.

You need to stop hanging your decisions on the alcohol and start taking responsibility for your thoughts and your actions. Its not your drunken self that needs straightening out, its the sober you. You need to figure things out and you won't have much time to do it in. Your H isn't going to stick around forever in a forgiving and accepting manner while you struggle to figure things out. You need to stop dicking him around and get your act together. And not just for his sake, but really, at one level, for yourself. The broken barbie doll that you are will never get fixed if you don't find some strength to make a decision, stick with it and get on with healing. And I can just picture you saying " but I don't know what to do?".

Well, I think your wrong. I think you know what you want. I also think that your just scared and afraid to face that truth. However, the truth is that life has a way of holding a mirror up whether or not you like it. Sooner than later you have to face up to it. Just read your own words.

confused43- I confessed to my husband a month ago. He wants to work on things. I do too. Only my heart and feelings aren't into it. ... I still have feelings for AP. Not sure why but I do... My brain is saying make it work but my heart is saying I need to leave. I need to get some clear space around me to figure out what I want.

I think more than your drunken rant, these words reflect your true self right now. Your mind wants a relationship with your husband but your heart and soul don't. And its that cognitive dissonance between the two opposing thoughts that is paralyzing you. You don't need to figure out what you want, you have that figured out alreay, you just need to get yoru mind past your husband and marriage. You don't want to face up to the truth that you really want the AP. In your heart and soul, you really want that good time fantasy back and IMHO, you are sabotaging everything in a subconscious attempt to get it back again.

confused43 -I still have feelings for AP. Not sure why but I do... My brain is saying make it work but my heart is saying I need to leave. I need to get some clear space around me to figure out what I want.

So, why don't you follow your heart? Why drag on this sham of a marriage and the sham of Reconcilion? If your heart and soul and mind are in conflict, then perhaps you need to make a decision. Which road do you want to follow? What type of person do you want to be? Do you want to be authentic to yourself or are you willing to live a lie?

Come on... make a decision. Its not that hard to do.


Myconfused43 - IC told me happy people in marriages rarely cheat. There is something in your marriage that you were missing that led you to this. So while he says I do have personal things about me I need to work through, I also need to figure out where my marriage was not what I had wanted.

My last word on this statement is that you really really need to find another IC. He's right, happy people don't usually cheat. Unhappy broken people do. In most cases, the unhappy things in a marriage are really reflections of the broken things within yourself. Before you concentrate on fixing marriage issues, you need to fix yourself. After all, your brokenness is what defines you right now. Broken like a clock with a missing spring. And if you can't see that, especially in those moments when you are all alone, then nothing we are going to say or do will help.

confused43 -I'm not here to prove myself since I need to only do that to my family and myself.

We never asked you to prove yourself to us. Never did and never will. We want you to prove yourself to yourself. We want you to be honest with yourself. We want you to find happiness and joy in life.

We're not asking you to just clam up and stay married because you had an affair. Especially since you had one. Having an affair is a sign that there is something within yourself that just can't find the right stuff in your marriage to make you happy. And you either have to find and fix that broken piece inside you or else you will live a lie forever. If you think and feel that the path to finding your happiness means leaving your marriage, then do it. Don't leave your H dangling. Not fair to him and not fair to you.

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

This was one of the very first pieces of advice I was given when I found myself here. It connected in a way that nothing else had ever done. It offered me a way to find my honor, my dignity, my self-respect back. It said that everything I wanted could be mine again by simply being someone who stood with character, conviction and honour.

Make a Decision for what you want. Choose inside to make it happen. Commit yourself heart and soul. And then never waver. Period.

And it all starts with being honest with yourself for what you want and then making the right choice.

HUFI

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused, donít listen to your heart, its fickle, listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong - HUFI

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 7:35 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3265 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Confused
My heart breaks for you and your BH....I really do hope you get the help you need.

Huffi and JD have already said what I was thinking, but worded it much better than I ever could.

The one thing I want to add is a comment about the title of your post....to me, it sounded like it is written by someone who is a victim in their situation. ...you may be a victim, but you are doing it all to yourself. The only one causing all this is you.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 842 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I think you are all over the place with your feelings; your A ended a couple months ago and you also just confessed a month ago. That is a lot to handle at one time. You need time to process everything. People say don't make hasty decisions I think you could make a bad decision by not giving yourself time.

You are still in the fog of being in love with AP and - I can tell you, it has been a year for me and I understand a lot of people say lurrve on here but I do know I did love my AP. Would I want him back? No! In the end he was a not the person I thought he was and wanted. I realize that now and I wouldn't want him back but I did love him. If you would have asked me this at 3, 6, and 9 months out each time the answer would have been different. At 3 I would have wanted him back, at six maybe, at 9 is when I started to realize a lot of things. Now - No! Do I miss him? Occasionally; but I don't want that life ever again.

My husband and I have made great progress and he does not know. I have made great progress for the most part. I still have a way to go; I still fbook creep every now and then but as someone told me on here - what you don't know you don't know. So I am doing my best to not check. Instead I am trying to put energy into my marriage and family. At first it was hard - thoughts of the AP consumed me. Now I honestly like to do nice things for my Husband. We had a great VDay dinner I made and stayed in without kids. This weekend we had no kids and had alone time as well. At the beginning sex was pretty bad for me with him. Things have improved a lot and I look forward to it.

I think you are not giving yourself time to process all that is going on. I think you need to not drink and if you really want to save your M try to work on things with your husband. Try to do nice things and be caring, dont' move out unless you feel you really need to and are done. That puts distance vs. closeness in the mix. Tell the truth but in a way that is concerned or caring. Try to do nice things, try to push AP out of your head (it is hard but gets easier). Give your self some time; you may feel different as time passes.

I cannot be the only one who would have given different answers at the beginning, 3 months, 6 and nine months out. I even feel at a year I am so much stronger than three months ago.

I know it is hard but try your best to not make a rash decision because you are so confused.

I was told never make an important decision when you are scared, angry, confused or stressed. Those are the times when you will make the wrong one. Make a decision when your head is clear and you have thought it through.

I wish you the best!

[This message edited by pastthelies at 11:37 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

JD is spot on - couldn't have said it better myself. You're no victim, here. Honestly, I feel sorry for your BH - what you said must've hurt like hell and don't be surprised if there's no coming back from that - which may be precisely what you want.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5911 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rekindle
Member
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

JD and Hufi said it well. As difficult as it may be to hear the raw truth from these folks, they mean well, they've been there, and they're wise, so please listen to them!

You mentioned you still have feelings for AP. Let me share something with you. My BH said there had to be something about OM that attracted me to him, and I said "I thought he was a good person." BH's response? "If he was a good person, he wouldn't have tried to steal another man's wife." This is what I would like you to think about your AP. Your AP was involved with you--a married woman. What kind of values must someone have if they do that? None at all. And those lack of values would potentially cause him to be unfaithful to you. Do you really want to throw away your marriage for that? Do you really want to throw away your husband, a man who is willing to accept you for your brokenness and move forward with you after everything you did to him--and still continue to do? Many WS' are not as lucky as you to have a BS so willing to R.

Step back from the fog of the affair and realize your AP was nothing but a douche who took advantage of your brokenness. It took me a very long time to realize this fact and reach indifference about OM. I hope you do the same before its too late.

[This message edited by rekindle at 8:30 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Me, WW
Him, BH
2 DDs
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 09-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Confused....

Don't leave him. It's going to be a big mistake. You're not going to work on yourself because there will be no incentive to. You will have removed yourself from a painful situation, and you'll likely go back to your wayward ways.

I know because it happened to me. I left and didn't do nearly as much work on myself as I should have.

Stay for as long as you can until it either works out or it becomes unbearable.

Good luck...



Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2011
workindad
New Member
Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:42 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]


Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 28th (Friday)

I might get in trouble for this,

Confused, You may ignore what I say, but go to the Betrayed Men's part 18 Thread. Go to page 13 and read the 13th post down onward. See what men in your husband's shoes think about this. That's something you can't ignore.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 28th (Friday)

Thanks FRM, I'm reading it now and not done yet. It is very interesting to get their perspective and I appreciate when some of the men are truly honest and say that they would give advice that they would not take if they were actually faced with the situation. Yes it seems so manly to men to say "get the fuck out you cheating whore" and must feel great to know what a MAN they are but when it comes down to it as someone told me here....being a man means thinking about your family and the consequences of divorce too, not just your crushed ego. My husband is that man, he isn't quick to rush to tell me he wants a divorce just because it makes him feel like a tough man, he sees what I can't right now. He can see the big picture, and hope that tomorrow is better than today. Sometimes it is, often it's not.

I find too often here that people say stuff like "just leave your poor husband/wife already and move on" as if it's that easy. then add kids to the mix, and emotions and stir. Itís interested how many people really do what they say the first time. I think if you keep getting shit on then yes you eventually have to face the truth but often you have to see the big picture when your spouse is still messed up or in the fog.

I have comments to make about what others have posted here and will try to do so a bit later. I was letting it all absorb. I really do appreciate MOST of the comments. I know I messed up with my rants but thankfully my husband is trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel just like I am.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, February 28th (Friday)

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:46 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, February 28th (Friday)

years of pain: i read your post before it was deleted, I wish it was still there though as I had wanted to read it again and I think others can learn from it also. I just wanted to say thank you for your input.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I want to thank you guys for replying to this post. I have taken the time to read it several times and most of you I think truly get it. I put up my drunken behavior because I know that I can't be the only one who has done this. What was supposed to be a fun night out for BH and I turned into a nasty ugly word slinging event.

I can't take it back and I've talked to my husband about it. He is obviously very hurt by my words and actions.

I don't expect you guys to use "nice" words to me necessarily but I think some of the comments are really unnecessary.

SlowUptake: I don't seem to find anything useful out of your posts. Questioning my "good person" stuff again is old news. We don't agree, I get it. I get that you don't think I'm a good person but move on and leave me alone please. I mention my immature behavior of pushing guys away to get them closer as a game i used to play when I was younger. I get that it's immature, but I did it the other night and owned up to it. I don't need you calling me a 15 year old, I already said I hate that about myself. I answered the question when asked too, not avoiding it. I think I've answered all questions honestly when asked, even when I know the response I'll get it since it's sometimes stuff not in the best interest of R....but I own it since I did it.

I do appreciate the tough love comments also...not really the ones that are so simple that just say "leave your husband already" but ones that help to dissect what is going on and help me to dig deeper into what it is that I'm doing and wanting. I do have an inner conflict going on. My head and heart are not on the same page. But I do believe as others have said that time will help and that's what I'm doing is taking it day to day. I'm not moving out right now. My h and I are working on things daily, hourly even at times. I do think more time away from AP will help me get over him and start to feel the remorse that I do truly want to feel and own. Once I can feel that that chapter with feelings for AP is truly over I think I can be better able to R. I know my husband will not wait forever and I am trying to do what I can and be authentic about it. I'm not really into the fake it til you make it camp. That is hard for me to do and feel ok with. I do need to pick and stick to it though as Hufi said. I pick working on my marriage and I know I need to try harder. I am trying find out how. I think if my husband did the 180 on me it would probably help me, but do I want to suggest it....ugh NO. but yes I think I need a dose of reality at times because I get lost. yes I am still in the fog and I know it and I do still fight the feelings I had for AP.

My h and I are spending more quality time together, getting out for walks, or lunch and talking about things we want to do. He wrote me a letter the other day with some harsh but true stuff in it. I really admire his strength in trying to work through this. It cant be easy that's for sure, and especially after my drunken rant on Sat night. One thing that sticks out though is that he said one of hte things about me he loves is my honesty and giving heart. And while he knows that that quality was lost last year in my betrayal he is happy that I confessed and am being honest him now. Well he's not "happy" I confessed as we'd both wish it never happened but you know what I mean. Iíve told him to please keep writing to me. He is better able to express himself this way I think.

He told me he will not wait around forever waiting for me to wake up. He is setting some time tables for himself to see if improvements are made as he needs to see progress.

I really do want to get to the point of making major progress but I also dont want to push what I'm not ready for and fail. I believe it just takes time like pastthelies mentioned. Hopefully for me also it will get better with time and lots of effort by me. My husband said if I don't show him by actions then he will have no choice but to move on. I'm so thankful that he is willing to see my wrecked self but know that I do still have worth to him. My self worth is so shattered and low and to have him see hope gives me some also.

For all the people that post I'm sure there are a ton that just lurk, many are afraid to post because they don't want to get a beating. My take is this.....be honest with the point you are at as there are others in your same shoes that need the help just as much. If I didn't post that I still had feelings for AP then I'd be lying and I know I can't be the only one with feelings for their AP still at 1 month past Dday. Iím sure Iím not the only one to have a drunken night of verbal bashing etc. We shouldn't be afraid to post it, feel it, and own it. Doesn't mean we are proud of it but it does mean we aren't as far on the path as we would like to be and hopefully will be, so just be careful not to push away the people that really need the help the most.

Again thank you all for your comments, they are much appreciated and I can tell that thought was put into them. I hope to have no more drunken rants posts.....e.v.e.r!


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 7:48 PM, February 28th (Friday)

Confused,

BSs get banned from this forum if they post on stop sign threads.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I have been here a while take what i need ignore what i dont. I do go back later to read again and some of what i didnt get at the time; I do now!

I am one year NC this week it was bittersweet im so proud but i have been sad too.A lot of people have lurrve and some do have love i think. I did have love- it was 5 years talking, spending time with, and having fun with someone who i felt so connected to...sometimes miss him! I think more do people than do not! they just may not admit it! It gets netter with time and at a year out it is so much less. Each month it gets better. I still have never felt disgust- anger yes! But with myself for trusting.

Everyone is on their own time table! try to be thoughtful, considerate,and loving to your life and H! I am leaving for a trip for work hes working ot! Kids not home - they are teenagers. I brought one of our favorite dinners home and had a great night! It can happen.

What I have issues with still is that the chemistry, attraction, need is not even similar. Things are good dont get me wrong but I miss that intensity! I am doing way better! You need time...it helps! Take the time you need. Dont make decisions foggy! If you do you will have regrets!

time can be your friend! Take what you need for you-but be considerate.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 6:53 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

I don't seem to find anything useful out of your posts. Questioning my "good person" stuff again is old news. We don't agree, I get it. I get that you don't think I'm a good person but move on and leave me alone please.

Ok confussed43, you don't want to hear from posters who challenge your concepts and opinions, so be it.

I wish you luck.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Has your husband expressed any anger at all? If not he may still be in shock. It is highly favorable that he will get to an anger phase. Be prepared. If you haven't reached true remorse, you could be very tempted to contact your AP again. Your actions now will really determine if your marriage recovers.
Indifference toward OM is one of things you should try to achieve. I know the feelings may never just go away, but it is how you respond to those feelings is what will make the difference.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2496 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Ok confussed43, you don't want to hear from posters who challenge your concepts and opinions, so be it.
No quite the opposite. I don't think what you are doing is challenging my thoughts and concepts. I think you are bringing up old stuff "being a good person" when it's unnecessary or calling me 15 just because you want to. I already said what I did was immature and owned up to that as being a game. I think it's fun for you to kick the new waywards around because you think you've earned that right. Like it's ok because you've also cheated so we are on the same side and you're just trying to help us.

Obviously I screwed up the other night, no question about it.

It saddens me that 2 people lost access to ever posting in Wayward forum because of posting me a reply when I had a stop sign up. I didnt read the first one but I did the second comment and it was not a bad hurtful comment. It had encouraging words. So for you to be able to post comments with no value in my threads and have it be ok, and for someone else to lose access seems wrong. I put up a stop sign because I knew what I did was wrong and I didn't need to hear it from WSs and BSs but I have found the BSs have been great with giving me helpful advice on how to help my husband and I have the best chance of R.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

FRM: He has expressed some anger but not like I would have thought. He is not a yeller and screamer. He wrote me a very intense letter this week that has a lot of anger and hurt in it but he is just more of a solid thinker. He see's the big picture and wants to work towards that but needs to see progress in me. He is not an emotional man which I guess I never really noticed. I am the opposite so maybe I never noticed. He is an amazing writer and I think that is the better way for him to express himself. I have encouraged him to keep writing me.

True Remorse: Each day I hope it shows up and each night I go to bed hoping for the same thing tomorrow. Will it ever show up? I know he will not wait forever and has given it a time frame. I want to feel it but I can't for some reason yet. I have read the post on indifference and read it frequently. I do feel like I want to talk to AP but I don't make contact. I don't know why I want to but I do. Some days are better for me and I dont think about him as much. I think each day will get better as time goes on.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Confused,

The guidelines and forum descriptions are in place for a reason. They are clearly stated in the forum guidelines and on each forum description.

The stop sign is here so WSs can have a place to post safely and YOU chose to use it on your thread. You can't pick and choose who can and cannot post on your thread based on whether or not you like the response. How is staff expected to moderate that way?

Please reread the forum descriptions and guidelines for review.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I most likely said "you never loved me" because it's a game I've always played when dating.

Did you use this same technique on the OM?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6097 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

True Remorse: Each day I hope it shows up and each night I go to bed hoping for the same thing tomorrow. Will it ever show up?

Confused, true remorse doesn't just show up. It's not something you find. It's not misplaced under the couch cushion waiting for you to discover it. It's something you feel because your actions have caused pain to another person.

I think you are missing the remorse due to perspective. You want to have it for your BH but it's hard to have remorse when on some level you continue to feel properly justified in your actions. It's clear that you have some deep seated anger towards your BH based on your actions. And it's that anger or justification that is road blocking any sort of remorse you may possibly have.

What if you were to drive under the influence. You hit a pedestrian. They are now paralyzed for life. Do you feel remorse? Do you feel horrible and want to try to make some sort of amends with that person? Do you have to work that shit out emotionally through therapy because of the shame and guilt you associate with your actions? Most likely. You don't go off telling yourself that it was the pedestrian's fault for walking on the sidewalk you plowed over. That had they been better at jumping they wouldn't be paralyzed. That is the sort of thing you would have to take ownership of.

I feel like you are missing the mark on some ownership. You can feel remorse for understanding that you you and you alone have caused another human being excruciating pain. Take out whether or not you want to stay married. Take out whether or not you think your AP is the bomb-diggity. You hurt another human being. Isn't that enough to feel some remorse over? People hurt so badly from infidelity that they take lives over it. Sometimes their own, sometimes the AP, and sometimes the unfaithful, or any combination there of. It's serious.

So what kind of person do you want to be? Someone who is careless with others feelings and purposefully hurtful? Or someone that lives with integrity? Choose what kind of person you want to be and begin living your life as such. You say you aren't a fake it til you make it kind of person. That's great but I seriously doubt that you wake up every morning telling yourself that you are going to just get through the day doing the minimal. That acting like a jerk is just fine with you. That hurting other people purposefully is just dandy. I'm sure that you want to be a decent human being with love and compassion. So do the work to get there. Act with love and compassion. Maybe then you can feel that remorse you have been looking for.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 683 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
eleanor2012
Member
Member # 35655
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I tell this advice to everyone and maybe it will help you:

when I was in the thick of despair after ending my affair, my IC told me that in a year, I would see things much differently - even to think I could fall back in love with my husband. She was right. Do not give up hope.


Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2012
Topic Posts: 29