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Reconciliation
User Topic: Rough day, thinking too much
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

WH was sick yesterday. He stayed home so I had to leave work a bit early to pick up DS. I then fixed DS dinner, payed with him and got him ready for bed. He then curls up with WH on the couch and falls asleep. I bring him up to bed.

So this should be fine because WH is sick and he did the same for me on Friday when I was sick. The issue is him being sick triggers me like crazy. During his A I was constantly hearing how tired he was and he did the bare minimum to help around the house/with DS. I spoke up on occasion but nothing changed and I grew very resentful and became a huge bitch. Of course this probably pushed him even further into his A.

The specific trigger last night was thinking about last year when he got strep from AP and then gave it to me. The wknd he had it he was in bed all wknd. I brought him soup or drinks, tried to make sure he was ok and also dealt with DS who was sick. Meanwhile he was probably texting/talking to OW the whole time he was up there. When I got it the next wknd I definitely did not get the same treatment.

I know that this happened in the past, I tell myself it is not what is happening now but I still feel myself getting resentful or having a hard time with empathy when WH is not feeling well.

Part of me believes it's because I feel like the A is being pushed aside/rug swept. I know my WH is having a hard time with focus/communication (I saw it in MC) but it FEELS like another excuse not to do the hard work. I'm feeling overwhelmed and now I feel like I can't even talk about how bad I'm hurting any more.

I want to curl up in a ball and cry/sleep for a week. I've been on the verge of tears since last night but can't think straight enough to do anything about it. Instead I ignore it and hope it will go away so I can focus on my job, DS and pretend everything is hunky dory..


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I want to curl up in a ball and cry/sleep for a week. I've been on the verge of tears since last night but can't think straight enough to do anything about it. Instead I ignore it and hope it will go away so I can focus on my job, DS and pretend everything is hunky dory..

Naw. Don't do that ((AML04))


Honestly....talk about it. Talk about it with your H. How about something like this...

You know honey, I was thinking about last year at this time when you got strep and how I took care of you and then I got strep.....and honestly, I just feel angry and very sad when I go back to that time. This is going to happen though. I get that now. But I just wanted you to know where my head is at. We are working on R and its impt., I convey this to you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Whole-heartedly agree with LA44. If you feel the A is being pushed aside/rug swept, then you need to address it. If
I feel like I can't even talk about how bad I'm hurting any more.
then write it down and give it to your H.

R means you are doing and saying the things that will put your M back together.

Just because he struggles with communication does not mean you should remain silent.

Would you tell someone you cared for to ignore their painful feelings? Give yourself the opportunity to cry it out. Ignoring your feelings won't make them go away - they'll just get louder until they can be expressed. Let your feelings have their say.

You must care for yourself just like you care for your DS. You won't be good to him or anybody else for that matter, if you don't. (((AML04)))


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 201 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks ladies.

LA-I actually did bring it up but dropped it when he said nothing in response other than to acknowledge that he did it. I brought it up because I could tell my lack of empathy for his sickness was showing and I didn't want him to think I didn't care/feel bad for him, I was just having a hard time because it was triggering me.

Kyrie-I've written him a lot (and send a lot of links, etc) but I rarely get responses. I do believe he reads them and even thinks about them but then once he's done, it doesn't stick.

I'm just really tired of hearing myself speak and not getting much from him when I do. I do understand he has real issues but it doesn't make me FEEL any better about not being able to discuss it with him. I can feel it building up inside me and I don't want it to explode. I'm starting to feel like I did during the A (angry, tight chest, weepy, sad) when he was actually being neglectful/distant even though we spend way more time together than we ever have. We talk now but really never have discussions about anything more than surface level stuff.

I'm just beat...

[This message edited by AML04 at 9:43 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

(((AML04)))

LA44 and Kyrie posts are spot on....just wanted to show support.

Keep the faith.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
phoenix2015
Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I read here often the experiences I too am having.....WH is remorseful and does some of the reading we ask or answers our question, but it never reaches the deeper level the BS is looking for.
We are searching for the deeper truth to understand the explosion that has happened in our life. We desperately want our marriages and a better quality of life. I feel like I should be thankful that he is being truthful, but leave disappointed that no real meaning came from the conversation.
Is anyone truly reconciled, in a better marriage or at peace who had a WS who behaved this way?


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Yes, Phoenix, that's what I'd like to know. Hope folks in similar situations will chime in here.

I so feel for you AML. I can "hear" the fatigue in your words. (((AML)))

I should be more careful not to assume everyone's wayward responds the way my H does. I have to say, though, that 2 years and counting of IC has helped my H immensely. He is far more open, articulate even, and engaged now than he's ever been. (Phoenix, is your H doing IC?)


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 201 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Thank you for the support Blakesteele

Phoenix-I also feel like I should be thankful for the things he is doing it's just so hard sometimes.

Thank you Kyrie. His current IC is not really doing much for him so he is going to be looking for a new one. Our MC asked me to try to be patient with him and I want to be. I'm just so tired.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I apologize AML, I too am posting as if your H and mine respond in the same manner and this is not the case. No wonder you are exhausted. I am hoping someone in a similar place will come along to offer some words of solace and insight based on their experience.

The grace you show with patience is admirable. And I am glad to see your H will seek a new IC. In the meantime, I offer you this story…

A few weeks back, I took my kids to an indoor pool. As soon as the 10 meter board opened, they were climbing up and jumping off - multiple times. I even gave it a go! At one point a woman – somewhere in her 50’s jumped. Then she jumped again. She didn’t look totally comfortable but she smiled whenever she came up for air. We made eye contact. She said she was getting over some fears. I said, “Good for you!” What I was really thinking was, “That’s bloody fantastic! Freakin awesome in fact!” But she didn’t know me and I didn’t want to freak her out so I kept it understated. But still….I wondered what was driving her. What made her decide to start jumping? I even imagined that her H had had an A and she was breaking free from ties or old ways. Whatever it was that was pushing her to do this thing that she wasn’t entirely comfortable doing, it was giving her energy, self confidence, and great satisfaction.

So what I am saying is that I hope you find your 10m Board. While you are being patient and waiting and feeling tired and sad….I hope you will take care of yourself and find that thing that brings you great comfort, joy, energy. It will surely help you get through this very difficult time.

Take care of you, AML.
LA44


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
phoenix2015
Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Kyrie, no he is not in IC. Finally though, I am. I am learning to detach and not be so codependent.
Funny thing...once he saw me pulling away he is slowly starting to see some of his issues. A few weeks ago I found things on his phone that didn't indicate to me that he was 100% into R. As I had feared without his getting help with his issues he was starting to slide, even though in his heart he knew it would never happen again
After that confrontation he admitted that he had an addiction to porn and was struggling with masturbation and sexual fantasies. That is the deepest we have been able to go. I have put some boundaries into place to protect me and hope they might at least make him think twice before making choices.
I know he cannot do this alone, but IC must be his choice if it is to be effective. My counselor has recommended that I reach out to other women here who have husbands we porn addictions.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Thanks LA, I needed to hear that. I don't want to feel this way any more; it's so exhausting. I've been talking to my IC about my needs and I can't come up with anything. I thought my needs were simple. I. truly thought my life would be complete and things would get better once we had a child. I knew it would be difficult but I thought that all our issues stemmed from our infertility.

It's definitely time for me to take a long hard look at what makes me happy and what I enjoy doing.

[This message edited by AML04 at 11:22 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Phoenix-I don't know if my husband necessarily has a porn addiction but we recently had a setback with that as well. I had asked him specifically to not look at it after D-Day and I found out he was. The most we got into it was that at the time he didn't think it was a big deal and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me. He seems to understand how big of a deal it really is now but we still haven't really discussed it. I talked, he listened and apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. He saw how hurt I was and I know it affected him but I feel like if he can't see my pain, it doesn't factor into his thoughts/actions.

I absolutely need to set better boundaries and consequences.

[This message edited by AML04 at 11:21 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hi again, we too had three years of infertility treatments from 2000-2003. That too was exhausting. Felt like it became my second job. Month after month, the poking, prodding, meds, bloodwork, ultrasounds...the waiting and then the disappointment. I grew very anxious during that time period.

Needless to say, I am sure plays a huge role in how you are feeling today. And then when you have a baby...well...it is just plain hard at times. You say, "We worked at this! We prayed for this! We went through hundreds of hours....for this madness!" And just bc its tough, doesn't mean we don't love our kids.

How was your H during this time for you? Was he supportive? loving? Patient? Did he share himself with you?

Glad you will do some introspection to see what AML wants and needs. Needs are deal breakers. They are the must-have's in your life. My needs right now? I NEED to go to the gym a few times/week. I need to connect with at least one good friend/week and I need to find a place for me whether its paid work or volunteer work that fulfills me. Right now, the latter is the one I am having a tough time with.

(of course I have another set of NEEDS with my H too which I have written out and shown him. But the ones mentioned above are those that only I can work on).

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

IVF definitely felt like a 2nd job!! 5 cycles, 3 miscarriages and DS finally came in 2012. Neither of us communicated with each other like we should have. We took a put our heads down and soldier on mentality, never even grieved our losses fully. It should be required for couples going through this to attend MC!!

And yes, having a child comes with it's own set of challenges we weren't quite prepared for emotionally. I was so worried about being a good mother not to mention so incredibly in love with this little bundle of joy that I didn't see my WH was feeling neglected/disconnected. Of course it was on him to tell me but our communication about things like this hasn't been the best.

It's very strange but I really didn't feel like I needed much outside our marriage and our group of friends. I'm starting to see that maybe I should!!

Thank you so much for all the support. It really does help to get it out.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

You have been through so much with the miscarriages. We never got preg in the three years of trying IUI and IVF so I cannot imagine having to deal with the losses. Hugs to you.

I am glad to help. And good to read things like this...

It's very strange but I really didn't feel like I needed much outside our marriage and our group of friends. I'm starting to see that maybe I should!!

I will keep watching for your posts. Wishing you well, AML.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

(((LA))) Thank you, that means a lot. Infertility is it's own special hell.

And good news! WH started a serious conversation tonight. He knew he didn't handle my trigger very well last night and brought it up. To make a long story short we talked about ways to talk about things where it's easier for him but I also feel supported and comforted. It felt good

Thank you all so much for letting me vent.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 16