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User Topic: Support for BS: when affair by fWS also breaks a law
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Taking a risk by asking is there anybody out here whose spouse committed a crime by having his/her affair?

My husband was a teacher at HS & had consensual relationship with 17 1/2 year old senior at the school. Lasted less than 2 weeks and never had sex, but my DD was the day my husband told me he just got caught with her by police. That was X yrs ago; he went to prison for couple years and now we are couple years into trying to restart out lives together. Affair, even if no sex, is hard enough...younger person is harder yet.. But consequences i have to endure because of legal/media aspects and financial fallout is overwhelming at times. Having to deal with something so private in the public eye only compounds things- many layers to this hurt.

We/ I have ALOT of support from family, friends, community; but have yet to come across anyone who can identify with us in this. I chose to reconcile; he ALSO chose to reconcile. He is remorseful and takes complete responsibility for his actions. He knows as teacher it was his responsibility to stop it from ever happening, and he didn't. He accepts the consequences. But for me, I'm struggling. We both are committed to taking the right steps in our M and R, but I feel like I am suffering exponentially.

Reaching out to see if anyone else can relate??


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Why would he have gone to prison for a couple of years if they didn't have sex?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3275 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

contributing to the delinquency of a minor... you don't have to have sex to get that charge. texts, emails, getting caught out with them after curfew... all of that is illegal...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 1:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
BelleStar
Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I didnt know there were places that had curfews??!!??

I think I must be in OZ


Posts: 1127 | Registered: Feb 2007
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I didnt know there were places that had curfews??!!??

Our city had them too for kids of certain ages. It also was related to labor laws I believe. We had to be careful as teenagers to not get busted by being out too late before we were 18.

I'm glad your husband knows what he did was inappropriate. I also will not put him in the category with violent rapists and molesters who seek little children or GHB women in bars.

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a place. Remember none of this is your fault.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Curfews are almost everywhere but only enforced when someone feels a need to use it.
Itstoo...I haven't experienced what you have but wanted to say welcome. Everytime I hear about a sich like yours, my mind always goes to the family of the accused...must be extremely difficult


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4865 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

There have always been curfews for minors. It's 10 o’clock here and I think 11 o’clock on weekends.

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hi itstoomuch. The only piece I can relate to in your story here is how f'n relentless the media can be. I know what that's like and I'm sorry you had to go through that. When a loved one is "unavailable" the spotlight and pressure falls to you. My brother committed suicide in 1994 and it was very controversial. I don't want to give away the details but it had to do with a member of the administration of his high school as well as another family that was involved. It was all over the local news and then it went national. Thank god there was no social media back then. We did have Dateline and 20/20 as well as all of the news outlets calling the house non stop, camera crews on the front lawn, couldn't leave the house, all of that. It was awful. My brother was the victim and seeing the other child's parents who were involved on the news was heartbreaking. Even though they wanted to talk to us to get their side of the story out we couldn't talk to them as we were in pieces. They called the media and the rest was history. Seeing the administrator being questioned was even worse. He was promptly removed but not a crime so no arrest. It lasted a few weeks but we weren't talking and it eventually went away. What a nightmare that was.

I'm very sorry that something like this happened to you and then you have the added A effect. I can't even imagine.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Why would he have gone to prison for a couple of years if they didn't have sex?

Because reality sucks. I'm not sugar-coating or minimizing it. Truth is they didn't have sex- believe me I made sure that was case. Read police reports & personally spoke w detective & that girl's boyfriend at time... All stories consistent. I questioned him very hard about everything. I wanted to know absolutely everything/ every aspect/ every detail. I wasn't gonna be in dark about it. They literally did just enough to cross that line into 'breaking law' & having consequences that it had. (Obviously ANY relationship/ behavior was inappropriate and unacceptable regardless of laws! No excuses!) In fact, laws recently had changed then & what happened wouldn't have had same charge etc had it been before those changes. AND had it been any other man other than a teacher, it wouldn't have been anywhere near those charges, if charges at all... I've learned a lot about the nature of these laws and resulting consequences thru this- there's a lot we really don't know and assume we know until we have to deal with it ourselves. And what they say on news- can be so far from truth- but how can we fight it? They can say ''teacher-sex scandal' all over papers & news cause it sells- doesn't matter if it isn't at all true what they presume it to be. :((

All who know us/ situation think it was wrong what he did- absolutely! But they also believe the consequences are overboard for what really happened.

It's exceptionally hard for me because I don't want to make excuses for him - it is what it is. But it is NOT what anybody and everybody can assume it is!! :( but we live with reality that the nature of this whole thing opens up the possibility to much speculation and assumptions. And nothing we say or do will never really change that. :( It's a very heavy layer of hurt for me. If you knew me (&us) IRL, you would have no doubt that what I say is true. We are as real as it gets. But this thing is known by more people than we will ever know IRL, so it's beyond us.

Stillstings, THANK YOU that you cared enough to tell me you don't put him in that category. Tears atm... :)

Yearsofpain25, thank you for sharing. Social media/ internet is AWFUL!!! It makes living with this a never ending fear... At any time, anybody can bring it back up & say anything they want & we are left to deal with consequences of it. :(

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 3:47 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

There have always been curfews for minors. It's 10 o’clock here and I think 11 o’clock on weekends.

Same in my city and all cities surrounding for children under 18 years of age.

So sorry for what you are going through.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 532 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Ostrich80, thank you. I think about other wives/ families when I see news too. Never know if they reconcile... Was hoping maybe just one of them was on this site so we could be of some comfort to one another... I know there has to be more than just me....


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

What was he charged with? It seems odd that after 2 years the media would still care if it wasn't a statutory rape case. Inappropriate conversations aren't gossipy enough years later.

Could you move to get away from it?


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Also, if it was less than 2 weeks, was the girl setting him up? That seems like a very short period of time, almost like she did this to cause a stir.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I posted not to hash out legal details of my H's crime or defend him or even myself. I only posted what I have as an effort to explain where we are already at and dealing with. I posted because I am a BS struggling thru R in my marriage in spite of my circumstance. I stumbled upon this site and already have been encouraged by many, but I was hoping to find someone who could relate to me in a similar situation.

So much of what I read on this site is so relevant and so helpful. See so many recurring patterns of WS behaviors, cycles in R, BS thoughts/struggles etc... I can very much identify and relate! I am a BS just like all of us, but I have to deal with a lot of things on top of A that only exist because of A. It's a unique twist to living with betrayal.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

I can sort of relate, in that my WH's infidelity was illegal (with hookers) but he was never arrested or publicly exposed. It's taken a long time for me to accept the shame from his actions are not mine to bear. Lots and lots of IC to get that through my skull, tho. I am so sorry you are going through this, infidelity in and of itself is hard enough.

I can also tell you, when I would attend S-Anon meetings (12 step support group for spouses of sex addicts) I have met several women that were married to men that committed crimes - indecency with minors, child pornography, peeping tom stuff. Them finding others in situations like them IRL was a lifesaver. Have you asked your IC about this? Are there support groups, group therapy, online forums, etc that address this specifically that you have tried? I know I have seen others post on SI about their WS involvement with underage girls (varying degrees of inappropriateness), but they are few and far between.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1464 | Registered: Jun 2011
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Welcome to SI, Itstoomuch.

I can relate somewhat. My dday was a very public one though it didn't involve the media. WS was caught in a prostitution sting 6 months before dday (unbeknownst to me) and a disgruntled employee of his stumbled upon the arrest report and mailed FYI copies to everyone we knew. My ex-husband got one, my former-inlaws, customers, friends, employees - it might as well have been in the paper.

We were both heavily involved in community groups and social clubs when these FYI's went out. He was kicked off of 2 boards and I left a couple organizations voluntarily. The shame I felt was unbelievable. Shame, guilt, anger, humiliation. Oh, God, the humiliation was unbearable.

It has been years since dday 1 and most of the humiliation is gone now but I remember wishing I could leave town. I hated going out in public and remember dodging through the grocery store to avoid people I knew. I felt like ws was the only person I could lean on because he was going through the same thing. It was odd. I almost felt like leaving him wasn't an option because I would have to face the public shame alone. I felt like everyone was looking at me and snickering (I'm sure that wasn't the case but you couldn't convince me of that then.)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer some wisdom other than "time will heal". Time will heal a lot, maybe not all. Having a remorseful, willing ws will be key for you. One thing I do know is that if you both have the attitude that this "thing" happened - is happening - to both of you and you can face the fallout together, your M has a great chance.
Hugs.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6086 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hello Itstoomuch. I can relate. My D-Day was when I got a phone call from local police saying they had my STBXH for questioning regarding multiple felonies. They wouldn't talk to me about the charges over the phone. Turns out STBXH was posting ads for sex on Craig's List and one of the respondents was a minor. The emails show that she said she was a 15. He says he didn't believe her. The cops where there to meet him when he went to go meet her. Turns out is really was a 15 year old. Our DD was 16 at the time. I had no clue that he was cheating at all.

I got him a lawyer, even before I knew the charges. STBXH was released pending further investigation. Per lawyer's recommendation, STBXH had a full forensic psychiatric evaluation and started therapy with one of the sex-offender therapists that the courts usually send people to. He's been diagnosed as a Sex Addict, but NOT with any pedophilic tendencies. About six months later he was finally arrested regarding this and charged with Attempted Solicitation of a Minor, Attempted Grooming of a Minor, and Attempted Traveling to Meet a Minor for Sex. Less than a week later all the charges were dropped. But the DA can refile if they chose to.

If that were all there was to the story, I may very well have attempted R. STBXH definitely wanted to, and he has been religious about his therapy and treatments. He has no choice, he's still in legal limbo.

However, about a week after D-Day, I finally went snooping on his computer. Found naked pictures of himself he had sent to online OWs, and the pictures they sent to him. One of them I knew. Her husband was a co-worker of his. This led to more digging and discovering that in addition to random CL hook ups, STBXH had been having sex with my best friend since childhood for over a year. That was an absolute deal breaker for me, which is why he's my STBXH.

Honestly, the double betrayal bugs me more than the underage solicitation. Granted, my DD assures me nothing like that ever happened between her and her Dad, otherwise he'd be dead and I'd be in prison. But there are enough similarities and I can relate to the legal nightmare. I completely understand how your fWH could go to prison without having had sex with her.

I highly recommend finding an S-Anon support group near you. It was a lifesaver for me, even though I chose not to stay with STBXH. This group focuses on the BS and their own healing.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

hardtimesinlife,
thank you for words of encouragement.
.
The shame I felt was unbelievable. Shame, guilt, anger, humiliation. Oh, God, the humiliation was unbearable.

Sounds like you have felt what I have and am experiencing... THANK YOU, THANK YOU for sharing your story with me! You encouraged me more than you know...

hathnofury,
No specific help groups for my situation that I know of. :(( sure wish I could find them if they do exist! I (or ANYONE else who knows him) wouldn't describe H as a sex addict or creeper... Just a man, who happened to be a teacher, who fell big time by not responding like the man, husband, father, teacher he should have and had an A with someone he got too close to; but had every responsibility to STOP it before it even started!

Gemini71,
Thank you for sharing your story and advice.

Honestly, the double betrayal bugs me more than the underage solicitation....But there are enough similarities and I can relate to the legal nightmare. I completely understand how your fWH could go to prison without having had sex with her.

Thanks for understanding. And I agree betrayal is worse than underage part- that's just ANOTHER hurt on top if it.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 5:21 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
millienotboo
Member
Member # 22415
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

It's....I think that someone above had mentioned that they had gone to s-anon meetings. Tho it doesn't seem that your husband is a sex addict I do believe that you could benefit from these meetings. As was mentioned, it can be a life saver to meet and share with people who have been exactly where you are. Maybe google it?
As for being a bs....we can help you with the recovery part. All of us have faced a lot of what you faced and are certainly feeling the same betrayal .
So sorry you find yourself here.


M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
Him-49-WH
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 755 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I was going to look into it... Heard of al-anon, but never s-anon. Will see what I find out... Thank you to all those that have mentioned it.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Flourgirl
Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

My husband was arrested. He and AP had a thing for public parks. The third and last time he was caught pants down. They were both arrested for lued and lecivious behavior as well as trespassing. He was able to plea down to just trespassing. He had lost his job the week before and we worried about the background checks after. His arrest made great gossip around town. We lost a lot of friends. He is persona non grata with my family. It's a mess and I feel it complicates things. It didn't make the national news but it rippled through my suburb quickly.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 183 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Flourgirl,

Thank you for sharing your story. Glad your husband was able to plea down: county prosecutors/ judge did not budge here. Sorry to hear you've experienced the public aspect of A and its fallout as well ;(( no national news for us either, local was bad enough. Family part, my very protective father in particular, was extremely hard for me first couple years, but God did a miracle: he has now accepted that my H place is still in my life.
It's been hard, but I try to be patient with old friends/family & new friends... They too have the right to process this at their own pace. His A affected more people than us. But of course that truth doesn't make it any easy for me- just makes it harder. Sounds like you know exactly what I mean. :(

For me, when I see/hear similar stories in news of my H's situation, it's like I'm forced in some weird way to relive the pain? It's fading over time, but it is still present. Do you ever feel like this?


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Flourgirl
Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Yep when a sex scandal hits it brings it all back. My heart breaks for the family. I know what it did to mine. My father passed away 5 years before ny H became a WH. It made me miss him more. He was my protector. He also was a great judge of character I always wonder if he would of seen it coming. He wasn't a perfect man he was an alcoholic and was verbally abusive. As I became an adult we became very close. He was someone who I could tell anything. Going through all this without him is torture. The loss of friends and family the judgement makes it so much harder. I'm sorry were all going through this. I'm so glad you started this thread.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 183 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

OP I personally detest trial by media. We have a justice system in place and while it has it's problems, I will not jump on some hate bandwagon.

You don't punish the family or friends. Period. It should not happen. When I hear of people being harassed or harmed due to the actions of something they are related or close to it makes me angry.

I'm going to say it, other than the law I was no different at 17 1/2 than 1 day over 18. I had a job, paid taxes, and went away to college shortly thereafter and handled myself well. Your husband abused his position but unless he was grooming this girl for many years, 2 years in prison is overkill. Actual violent criminals do less time.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Although my WH s affairs didn't break the law, one of his affairs was with someone so inappropriate that his first counsellor suggested that he could be considered by some as a sexual predator. I can remember his despair, horror and denial at the suggestion. You see my WH is a minister and he had an affair with a congregant with whom he was meeting with for pastoral counselling and she has a mental illness.

On one hand there is truth in this and yet I also know she is the most manipulative lying woman I have ever met in my entire life - and that was my conclusion prior to their affair starting. I also know that if counsellors, nurses and doctors have affairs with patients/clients it means the consequences from their professional bodies include loss of registration. Ministers are disciplined by churches and the consequences vary hugely.

For me there is an additional shame because of the position of my husband and hers. Generally few people know about it (WH s affairs) so it is sort of a hidden shame. However I live with the "waiting for the axe to fall" mentality.

More recently colleague at work (her husband was a minister) heard via the gossip at work about WHs affairs and asked if the time he was unemployed was the "stand down" period required. I hadn't a clue what she was talking about and she explained that there was a process for these kind of circumstances. I went home and asked WH if he knew of one - he didn't. At the time we only went to the church elders to disclose things and they said that was all that was required. So now we are investigating things on that front 21 months out from d-day what are the requirements of the national church body.

When the shame, embarrassment and pain sweep in on me, I remind myself over and over that these choices were his and it is not my shame to bare but sadly these consequences are ours!

While our circumstances are different I can relate to some of what you are going through.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, February 28th (Friday)

Flourgirl,

I'm so glad you started this thread.

I'm am too, and I'm glad you feel that way. I had asked moderators about a thread in I can Relate forum, but they said to test waters here in general and see the response/traffic it gets. Discouraged a bit because they thought it might be too small of a target group... I reach out to find someone to relate and faced with reality there aren't many. :(( I knew that already, but was hoping at this site there would be more... that's really good thing, but not for us personally who deal with such things.

(((Flour girl))) Sorry to hear about your father. I have my share of conflicts with my dad, but he has really been there for me and kids (and now my H) thru all this. I stand amazed. It's also been hard for me to see him hurt for me- my dad is a tough guy. Thank you for sharing and posting here. :)

Stillstings,

I'm going to say it, other than the law I was no different at 17 1/2 than 1 day over 18. I had a job, paid taxes, and went away to college shortly thereafter and handled myself well. Your husband abused his position but unless he was grooming this girl for many years, 2 years in prison is overkill. Actual violent criminals do less time.

THANK YOU- means a lot! :) and no, he did not groom her at all. She initiated things without a doubt, but that's beside the point - all responsibility falls on my husband. But in light of that, that sentence -plus other things he (we) have to deal with- is hard for me to live with on daily basis.

Avicarswife,
Thank you for posting and sharing your story! I'm sorry you have to experience any of what you told.

When the shame, embarrassment and pain sweep in on me, I remind myself over and over that these choices were his and it is not my shame to bare but sadly these consequences are ours!

While our circumstances are different I can relate to some of what you are going through.

I agree with you on all of ^^^! It's a constant battle in my mind to deal with shame etc...

I can relate to you as well- more than probably you realize. My heart has always been the ministry... We were both very much involved at our church and further service has always been a topic of discussion for us. In fact, the teaching job was something he went into to give him/us opportunity to serve in various ministries in months off. But now that's not to be. I'm more crushed by that honestly. His A has affected so much of what it truly important to me. :(

I also just became a nurse (had to go back to college after DD for my family/ financial). And, yes, I could lose my license if I had any relationship with a patient: legally speaking, no patient has the capability to provide consent in that regards. Regardless of age or mental condition. I have a professional responsibility to my patients, my community.

I do hope things won't get stirred back up for you and your H. For your sake and for your M, I hope God doesn't deem it necessary to do that. But if it does happen, His grace is sufficient. Thanks again for caring enough to post and share :)

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 9:14 AM, February 28th (Friday)]


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I know that a lot of the problem with an A breaks the law is that the shame tends to extend to the family.

Anyone feel like their WS got off too easily? I actually feel like he's being punished (or threatened to be punished) for the wrong thing. Only a small portion of his cheating was illegal, and that was just an attempt. What I'd really like to do is press charges for adultery against my fBFF and STBXH.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being vindictive feeling this way.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I posted not to hash out legal details of my H's crime or defend him or even myself. I only posted what I have as an effort to explain where we are already at and dealing with. I posted because I am a BS struggling thru R in my marriage in spite of my circumstance.

Itstoomuch, I apologize. I realize my questions were definitely veering into a different area. Of course you're struggling, as we all are. I did not mean to cross any boundaries.

I am also sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with StillStings. At 17, I was 18, minus a few days here or there. I don't know if you'll find this supportive, but I hope you do. I don't view what your H did as some kind of child predatory behavior. 17 year old women are women. 200 years ago, this same girl would have been pregnant with her second or even third child. 18 is the legal number, not the biological number. Yes, any A is so wrong, and so painful, but to also deal with people viewing your H as some kind of predator is just, well, I'm sorry for you and yours. It's not fair, imo.

(((((itstoomuch)))))


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1853 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 28th (Friday)

But in light of that, that sentence -plus other things he (we) have to deal with- is hard for me to live with on daily basis.

Of course it has to be hard. Many people hear sex crime and assume the worst. Unfortunately the way how our system is set up, men and women who actively seek out victims and brutalize them are in the same category as a guy who was caught peeing outside. Or the 20 year old with the 17 year old girlfriend. It's a sensitive issue for all parties involved and like to keep that in mind.

I'm sorry you had to suffer and it sounds like you've accepted what has been thrown your way. Gossip is vicious and I do my best to stay out of that high school type dreck.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2012
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Painfulpast, thank you. I appreciate your response and encouraging words. I needed that hug :)

Stillstings, thanks for understanding.

Gemini71,

Anyone feel like their WS got off too easily?

Not me lol, but I can completely understand why you would feel that way. In my case, I feel like God honored my marriage by allowing my husband to get caught and punished so severely. God stopped it before it could go any further, but not before it went just enough to land him in trouble he is now. I've seen so many men just leave their families for OW, so tragic. They cheat and waltz off into the sunset...seemingly a happy ending for those WS. Hard for me to see them... Like they had no consequences for their selfish actions. Not fair.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

My husband did not get arrested, but he could have. He was however fired for sexual harassment.

All of his AP's were employees. He was the manager.

Then there was a 19 year old intended AP and he was 35 at the time. He flirted. "Innocently" touched her too much on her back, knee, hugged her once. He then told her he wanted to kiss her, she said no. She called HR and turned him in.

He was fired. It was even on video. She could have gone to the police.

That was my dday2 and 3 more APs came out for 4 total. Nuclear bomb on my lap.

He was unemployed for 4 months. We had to go on food stamps. He took a much much lower paying job. Our way of life has completely changed.

We are 20 months out. It's still a struggle.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
itstoomuch
Member
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Kelany,

Thank you for sharing your story. Though your H didn't get arrested, it sure sounds like you are dealing with many similar aspects of additional consequences of A. I'm sorry. It's tough to be humbled along side our husbands with loss of jobs and getting government assistance etc. when the whole reason we are dealing with it is because they were unfaithful to us. Sometimes I want to lay it all out there for the store clerk to hear so they will stop judging me. :) but I haven't yet so that's good :)

Our way of life has completely changed
.

Yes, ours has too. I understand how heavy that statement really is. So sorry it is your reality too.


While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 32