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User Topic: Outing advice needed
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

My DD was 2 months ago. My WW says she has stopped the A, tells me she loves me but does not show remorse, does not say she's sorry and is currently sitting on the fence undecided if she wants to commit to our marriage. My gut tells me the A is still active only underground. Limbo. I have promised to not tell family about her A. I am considering outing her to her work as she works in a public serving capacity. I am considering outing her AP to his work (police dept). I am considering asking for an investigation if any public funds, technology or resources were used during the A. Am I crazy? I want to jolt her with a shock of reality off of her fence. Too early?


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Is the OM married? Have you talked to him about what has happened.

I am guessing your wife is showing more shock at being caught than remorse at this time, which is what I got also.

What does your wife say about total honesty when you ask her any questions.

The part about her being on the fence is the worst part. What does she mean by committing to the marriage, does she want an open marriage or to run off into the sunset with the other guy?


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Dday was 2 months ago and you are still dealing with this crap from her? I don't think it's too soon to out her. Just be prepared for her fury.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 688 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

She says OM not currently married, divorced 2 years. I called him and left a message. No reply.
She seems in shock, says shes numb and raw. She has answered my questions but I question the level of truthfulness from her. She's not forthcoming about her feelings at all. No open marriage for sure, but I think she's so brainwashed by the A she's unaware of any consequences. She said she fears me not ever getting over her A so she doesn't commit back to our marriage.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks Btrayed. I've been thinking about taking this step for the last month. Blowback could very well be strong if I do this. But what have I got to lose right?


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

This is all normal. The most important thing now is for the affair to be stopped.

I feel that her saying she is afraid you can never get over this and because of that she cannot commit to the marriage is an excuse. If she were afraid of that, she wouldnt have done this in the first place.

A lot of her words right now are in what they call the fog of the affair. In other words BS.

What has gone on during these past 2 months. That is a long time.

Can you start doing your own detective work, find out much more about this OM. Find out for sure if he is married.

Keep trying to talk to him, just dont threaten!

Has your wife even said the affair is over?

Have you told her anything about outing her to the company, or I guess its a police dept, and if so what was her response?


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

She said she fears me not ever getting over her A so she doesn''t commit back to our marriage.
Translation....."I don''t care about your pain, only my discomfort."

It''s basically a subtle (ok, not very subtle) form of emotional blackmail. Promise me you won''t me feel guilty about betraying you and I''ll consider committing to the M (of course that disregards how she was supposed to have been committed to the M already, but hey what do I know).


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3651 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks craig. Wife has said she ended A and has promised NC. But they work in the same area so I know contact is ongoing. She says she sees him in the parking lot etc. For 2 months I have been as 180 as possible. I have all the info on AP public information, phone records, etc. Just nothing at all from her. She acts like the A didn't happen. Business as usual she appears.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks Brandon. I think you hit the nail on the head. Thanks again.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I have said nothing to WW about sending the letters to the employers. I'm considering this to get the truth out and to get some exposure to the A. Shock treatment.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Have you thought about a marriage therapist. Somehow your wife needs to understand the complete wrongfulness of what she has done and the incredible damage.

Affairs have consequences, whether she wants to commit to the marriage or not, she is going to feel some consequences.

Have you thought about talking to her parents about her actions.

She needs something to shock her back into the real world now.

And no, you are not crazy for thinking she needs a jolt of reality. The hard thing for you though is following through any kind of jolt. For example, if you threaten divorce now, that could jolt her or she could say fine. So be ready for that before you threaten it.

Is your wife and or the other guy a cop or just clerks at the police dept. If cops, the OM could have a pretty good profile on their website.

Sometimes the 180 can backfire and give the WW more excuses to feel sorry for themselves which feeds the rationalization that the affair was and is okay.


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I am sorry this is happening to you FBlue.
You do not deserve this treatment.
You can not go on with her unless the A is over. Really over. You need to find out if it is.
As you said, do more sleuthing to find out if the OM is divorced.
Hide a VAR in her car to see if she calls him from there. Might have a secret phone.

"She said she fears me not ever getting over her A so she doesn't commit back to our marriage"--and what about YOUR fears, and your betrayal? It's supposed to be about making HER feel safe???? Come on!
She needs to risk this, it is a consequence of her actions. And what is she risking? She gives her all and it doesn't work--okay she tried. But she gives her all and it doesn't work and she doesn't get the AP---that's what she is risking. She has one foot with you and one foot with the AP. Doesn't sound over.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 481 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks craig. I agreed not to out the A to family. So I'll stand by that. I already know more about OM than I need. Therapy has been brought up but she isn't jumping to agree. OM is a cop and WW is a clerk. I suspect its not over and that is way she is cold, quiet, and distant. She just bounces along like everything's normal.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks Mainly. Damn good advice and input. Thank you my brother.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

You said you already know more about him than you need, does this mean you confirmed he is divorced.

I do think the threat of going to the chief or someones commander could work. But in this day and age, I dont know what is accepted.

I also think you should start gathering information like your wife's whereabouts at all times. The VAR is very good and also a gps tracker can be hidden in her car.

Does your wife come home on time after work or are there still odd things like that happening.

As for saying you wont tell her parents, that can change. If she wont help, than you will have to help along the situation.


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks craig. My gut tells me A is ongoing. I don't think I need any more proof for me that the A is active. The A is real and I have to deal with it even if she tries to convince me she ended it. She also said OM was not happy about her ending it. But when I asked about that, she said his feelings were irrelevant. Doesn't sound right.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I agree that telling the family is back on the table if she leaves you little choice. I'm pretty sure she promised not to screw other men when you married so yeah don't feel trapped by that promise. I bet you made that thinking she would be working towards healing.

I also agree with others that her comment about you not getting over it is a cop out. It's a warning that she doesn't plan to do the hard work needed from her to reconcile. She knows you won't get over it because she's not going to provide you with what you need to do that.

Do you have a trusted friend IRL that can check in with you for several days after you expose? That whole pissing cops off thing could have a crazy response.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 688 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Btrayed. I realize if I send to letters the blowback will be HARSH. That's why I needed advice tonight. I have people IRL that have my back. But this move I'm considering is big league stuff.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thinking this over, I am thinking you cannot and should not go this alone. I dont like the idea of a cop having an affair with a married woman in the first place. And now the comment that this cop wasn't happy about her ending the affair.

Nope, everything you promised is off the table. This is serious and you should NOT go it alone. How are you with her parents?

I think they should be made aware of this situation.

And I think the police dept needs to be aware and I think you might consider talking to a lawyer.

The affair needs to end and if this cs of a cop doesnt like it, tough.

At this time, I think more than a few people around you needs to know what is going on. I think it best if YOU tell people the real story before your wife or OM start spinning it.

Do you have kids?

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:30 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't try to hurt her at her work, and I wouldn't out her to her family. These are things that can interfere with reconcilliation if that is going to be an option.

The most effective outing is to out the OM to his wife if he has one. I would do that right away.

Then, a hard 180 and a trip to an attorney that your wife knows about. So sorry for your pain. I know it is terrible.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1276 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I have also been against telling parents and relatives because it can hurt R in several ways.

I still dont like the WW words that he wasn't happy about ending the affair.


Posts: 3494 | Registered: Jun 2002
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks so much for the input guys. I know this is a risky move. But her sitting on the fence with me and OM just waiting in the wings like a predator is not acceptable to me. Yeah I hurt like hell and wish I didn't have to deal with this mess but it is real and is just wrong.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I agree with Kansas. Forget about outting her - go file for a divorce and give her a much-needed wake-up call.

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

You don't get extra points for being nice to her. Time and time again "nice guys" have been screwed over by being too lenient on their WS.

You now need to start thinking about yourself:

1) Lawyer up before you do anything (especially about the police)
2) File for divorce. Divorce is a long process and therefore you can stop the process if your WS has shown remorse. It also sends a message to your WS that you can move on if you want (even if inside you still feel like crap).
3) Demand STD tests.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Oct 2013
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks Zep. I asked for STD tests but she hasn't done it. The lawyer up advice sounds like the best course of action. Hard to be myself when I get pushed around like this. Sucks.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

If you can afford a PI or have other means of obtaining evidence that the cop is conducting his A on the public's dime, I would, after consulting a lawyer, consider informing his superiors and internal affairs. But lawyer up, first. Protect yourself. Sometimes the boys in blue have been known to circle their wagons and you do not want to be in the center of that.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3581 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
ForeverBlue
New Member
Member # 42602
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 26th (Wednesday)

Thanks JustWow. Now I'm getting some good advice. I really didn't know what I would be setting into motion by sending the outing letters to the employers. Thanks for the sincere concern you guys are showing. What a mess.


Me-BS 57
Her-WW 48
DD 12/18/2013
DD2 12/26/13
3 month False R
Her A went UG
Sep w/NC 3/14/2014
Filed for D 4/14/2014
D in progress

Forever blue but forever wiser


Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

Blue,

You've gotten some really good advice. I just have a few suggestions to add:

The affair is still ongoing, I'm positive about it. She wouldn't be on the fence otherwise. You need to take action and force her to choose the marriage or D. You also need to expose to a wider audience: especially friends and family who are close to her. You say that the OM is divorced, but are you 100% sure about this? Try to find out who his ex-W is and expose to her to make sure. Don't bother wasting your time trying to reach out to OM. Whoever you decide to expose to, don't pre-warn ahead of time, just do it. Warning or threatening ahead of time just gives your WW opportunity to concoct a story about how crazy you are. Just go ahead and expose once you have good evidence. She will be mad, sure, but it may help save your marriage.

You say that WW is a clerk and OM is a cop. However it wasn't clear to me if they work together? If so then you might have grounds to contact HR and file a complaint. If they don't work together, then notifying their work HR department might put you at risk (look up tortuous interference) and you might be the target of a civil lawsuit. Lawyer up and talk to someone for some good legal advice.

You also need to get some evidence on her: hire a PI, get a couple of VARs and plant them at home/car when she talks, also consider GPS tracking her car. Can you access her phone? That would be the best way to find out who she is texting/talking to. You need more evidence


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

My gut tells me the A is still active only underground.

^^^^GUARANTEED. I'd bet you my truck she's still involved with him. I got the same crap from my STBX. All she did was took it underground, wouldn't commit to us, was "confused", and sat on the fence. I filed for D. She can have him.

I restrained from telling people, and very few know everything. But, if I had it to do over again, I would have told the world (family, close friends, and her employer) on D-day and filed for D right then. D is not immediate, and it shows that you WILL NOT tolerate her A. There is no "niceing them back". Shock and awe is the best way to end the A. Who cares if she gets mad at you? She'll keep up her A until you or OM pushes her one way or the other. Right now, you're Plan B.

Tell her family and the OM's family too. If they're going to do it, they need to own it.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

You don't get extra points for being nice to her. Time and time again "nice guys" have been screwed over by being too lenient on their WS.
You now need to start thinking about yourself:

1) Lawyer up before you do anything (especially about the police)
2) File for divorce. Divorce is a long process and therefore you can stop the process if your WS has shown remorse. It also sends a message to your WS that you can move on if you want (even if inside you still feel like crap).
3) Demand STD tests.

^^^This!

If you want to find out if your WW is serious about your M then file for Divorce and have her served. She is either going to turn her shit around after realizing she can't manipulate the situation anymore or she is going to go forward with it. If she moves forward with the D she was never going to recommit to the marriage in the first place. By filing is shows you are serious and saves you months or years of misery and pain. R and D are both hard but it's better to find out now if she is going to leave. There is no on the fence in an M. You are either in or you are out. Remove yourself as plan B or a safe place to land for her by filing for D. She either commits 100% and does everything you need to own her shit or she needs to leading you on. Kick the fence from under her by removing yourself as an option. It's your life, just my 2 cents. I wish you the best.

There is no negotiating after an Affair unless it's during a Divorce. The WS either gets their shit together or they don't. Being on the fence is a sign your WW is unremorseful. Read up on the 180 in the healing library and implement it.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1806 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
workindad
New Member
Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

It sounds to me like the affair is ongoing.

You promised to not tell her family. She vowed to forsake all others. Tell her family if you want some additional support.

Dig into om she could be lying about him being divorced maybe he is maybe not. Check from a source other than your wife.

If he was unhappy it ended. You can bet he has at least tried a few times to restart communication with her. Has she told you about shutting his attempts down?

I would lawyer up if I were you. Keep in mind if you divorce her job loss may not help you.

Her refusal to committ to the mariage and not get tested for stds is concerning. She won't because she is still with om. Get out of limbo.

Good luck.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 27th (Thursday)

Thanks craig. I agreed not to out the A to family.

Blue

why would you do this for a cheater, a liar, your wayward wife.

You owe her no promises, commitments or respect.

As soon as you realize this you will know what needs to be done.

You need to kill their affair. The only way to do this is to expose it to family, friends and coworkers.

Your wife has a boyfriend blue. And she did not discuss this with you beforehand.

If she cannot honor her vows or commitments why on earth would you honor her by lying to her family about the truth.

expose them now.

You really have nothing to lose because your wife's current in-action just shows that you and the marriage are not in her priority list.

Now get going and force her off the fence. Force her to decide.

And when she goes nuts make sure you have a var on you. And when she blames you for not keeping her secret just hand her a packed suitcase with the following message:

"My wife

I prefer to honor our marriage. I prefer to end it now before I let you defile it any longer.

I can no longer live your lies.

Forever Blue"

Then have her served at work.

Maybe she will wakeup. Maybe she won't. But make sure you send a clear message to her and her OM.

They deserve that.

HM


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 32