Just Found Out
User Topic: Turn down the volume and watch
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I have posted this before. Might be worth doing so again.

Just after D-Day, a sound voice told me...

Turn down the volume and watch the behavior.

She was a teacher and said that there were many times in her class where students were coming to her with this problem or that. Be it not grasping the work, or maybe it was an interpersonal issue with another student. At times it was overwhelming - There were so many words. Who meant what they said? What was the truth? She decided to turn down the volume and watch.

She learned more by watching the actions behind the words. If a student was truly doing the work -it would be obvious. They were staying late, completing homework, putting up their hand to ask another question. It wasn't just words. The actions matched the words.

This goes for the WS. The words are one thing. Some of them are very good at words. Or writing letters that say pretty things. But watch the actions. Turn down the volume....and watch.

What do you see?

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 28th (Friday)

Very wise, LA44.

I know what you mean. My XWW talked so much about how far she has come but her actions betrayed her in showing that she hadn't budged an inch.

She talks a lot but is still running away from herself and her problems.

Everyone sees it.

Except her.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I just read your story. How sad and wonderful. I wish my WW would be ready to talk about it. It has been 2 1/2 months since Dday. However only 7 days since I found the correct path and confronted on things I found since the D day. Only an EA but two of them with in 3 months. ((LA44)) way to be strong.

DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

This is what I needed to do from the beginning, my WH has always been so good with words he could convince anyone of anything. He is saying the right things, with no action behind it.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Following this as well. My husband is out of contol trying to do and say the right things. He is driving me insane! His infidelity however, is the action that speaks louder then words.

Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Keep pushing on you guys. I know your hearts are broken. I am so thankful that I had this friend with this advice at that time in my life. I am so thankful for SI.

Keep talking to your spouse. Me and H talked so much. I asked questions over and over again. And he answered them patiently. If it was too hard to ask to his face, I wrote a note and he responded.

Thanks for reading my story Aceofbase.

Read keptmyword's post. Actions eventually betray all the pretty words.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Wise words indeed. Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes it's hard to sit back and do this, especially when we are just trying to take it a day at a time and survive.

In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I agree Living. It is hard. I was in "survival mode" Dec. 2013. I did the basics for myself and for my kids and for the house.

But if the BS is wondering "Is my spouse truly remorseful? Because if he/she is then perhaps I can go another day with him. And another after that. But how do I really know?" Then watching is key. It will give you the answer you need.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2444 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

That is so true eh? (From Canada as well! LOL). Actions always speak louder than words.

I too am watching what my ws is doing more than he's saying. I'm happy to see that he's doing so many of the things on here without my prompting. But, my guard is still up.

It's nice to hear the right words come out of their mouths, but it doesn't mean a thing unless they are also doing the right things - and not just in the beginning, but continually.

Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Very wise words! This is what my attorney, pastor, and counselor all told me after DDay. Sadly, my STBXWH showed no action toward R and very few words....

BW - me 43
WH - 46
M - 23 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
Topic Posts: 10