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Reconciliation
User Topic: He says we're through
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, February 28th (Friday)

Just had a big blowup after a week of silence. I ended the silence. He blew up. He said we're over. Twice or three times among other horrible stuff. He is coming back soon. I do not want to end if we can still R. He is raging angry. What do I say to him? I need a non-inflammatory lead in sentence that will not be me groveling. Help please.
I am thinking of, if he lets me speak that is, Are we really over because then I need to hire a lawyer so need to know but that doesn't feel right.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
h0peless
Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I hate to say this but you have ddays spanning back almost a decade. I know you're hurting and scared right now, but if you actually are done, he is doing you a huge favor.

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I understand your reply. I am trying to get through today. Today I do not want to give up. Maybe I will tomorrow. Today I do not. I still want R. There are other factors causing his temper flare up and in the past he says things he does not mean. I need a non-inflammatory approach sentence as he is like a lit fuse. I want to defuse the situation and then reassess.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 28th (Friday)

If you don't want a blow up, is there someone you could stay with for the night? If it's so volatile that you need just the right words to say, you'd probably both be better off sleeping on it and having a discussion about where you are tomorrow.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 10:42 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4011 | Registered: Sep 2005
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 28th (Friday)

He's gone all day tomorrow and sunday. If he comes home tonight soon it will have to be now.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, February 28th (Friday)

It doesn't have to be now, mainly. You're trying to control how he reacts when you really have no control. It might just be that a few days of not discussing it would be good for you both.

Here are the facts: You can't control him. You can't nice him into doing what you want. There are no "right" words to make him become the husband you deserve.

You may have to cry your heart out over this but you need to let it go for now if you think you're going to fix something that's been going on for years with the right sentence. There is no right sentence because he is going to do what he's going to do regardless of what you say. Let him go. It might just be that he needs to actually see what it's like to not having you try to fix everything in order to realize what he is about to lose.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4011 | Registered: Sep 2005
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 28th (Friday)

Maybe you could say "this is quite serious WH. I'd like to have a civilized conversation about things. Perhaps we could set aside a few hours tomorrow to do that? I will need that to make the best decisions for myself, hire an attorney, etc."
If he's truly like a lit fuse tonight, you do not want to incite him further. Plus, nothing will get accomplished. What's HE so pissed off at ?
Whatever you do, please try not to beg and grovel. Be strong. He's being an asshole.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, February 28th (Friday)

We have not spoken for eight days before tonight so we have definitely had our few days of not discussing. I think it just made everything simmer and simmer hence my wanting to diffuse so no more boiling over occurs. I want to turn off the pilot light. Defuse. So cooler heads can prevail.
Gotme, thanks for the suggestion. He really doesn't ever have a few hours. Right now he works twelve to fourteen hour days. Seven days a week. This is why I know we are not on an even playing field. The odds are stacked against us as his stress is monumental and he has no coping skills except to make me the brunt of his aggravation. I understand all this and it is wrong but I have nothing else to work with. He has said, just get me through this work season, but I need something thrown my way. We have no MC, monumental work stress, very little time together. He really has nothing to give me at this time yet I need attention. Catch 22. And I discovered a second old burner phone that shows years more involvement if I am looking at it right. So I pressed this information to be confronted about. Had to. It made me sick. But I pressed a person who has nothing to give.
I don't want to grovel I just want to know if he is serious or said things in anger. Of course now I am really a mess as he is an hour late from coming home from this hockey game he decided to go to. Where is he? I have to think the worst of course.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, February 28th (Friday)

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 11:39 PM, February 28th (Friday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, February 28th (Friday)

That's it. Called him, gave me a story as to where he was...maybe true. But exploded on me would not let me say anything....just unleashed on me and derided me being on computer - Si--said I spend all my time trying to find bad things out about him on computer. I said I found your other phone in the garage not on the computer...the one that shows years more of involvement. He says he is done,he is never talking about that or anything else, says t told his psych this week he is never talking about any of it again he's tired of it. Very irate and irrational. No respect or compassion for me at all. I had no voice. Said he works ten times more than me which is true. He told me to move out. go find happy somewhere else. I told him to move out and ended call. I then barricaded the master bedroom I am and he just tried to get in and then screamed bitch and said that's it no discussion ever we are over. I think I got the message. I am afraid of his anger now, he is very angry that I barricaded the bedroom but I wanted a safe zone and I guess I wanted to assume some control some upperhand. Don't really know my motives but do I let him in? He will scream and show anger.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
rekindle
Member
Member # 42184
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, February 28th (Friday)

I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible and scary situation. It is clear your WH has no remorse, which to me seems extra bad since he had a LTA.

Tears said it well,

Let him go. It might just be that he needs to actually see what it's like to not having you try to fix everything in order to realize what he is about to lose.

Give him a dose of reality and get away. Let him see what its like being without you and his reaction will show you how he truly feels.


Me, WW
Him, BH
DD and baby #2 on the way
Together 9 yrs, married 4
Flirting/Boundary Breaking/Cheating for 8 years, OEA Fall 07-Feb 10 with flirty friend from 2007/2008, lied and rugswept until TT 12/13-02/14.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014
soverybetrayed
Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, February 28th (Friday)

In no way do you let him in an if he persists then you call the cops. He is unstable if he is scaring you enough to barricade the door and is raging at you. You do NOT deserve his rage nor his name calling!

Please be careful and take this very, very seriously. I lived through numerous rages and still thought my ex would never hit me. I was wrong and found nose nose at the end not his fist for asking questions about his cheating. I did the same as you and barricaded the door until I moved out. You can not talk him down, calm him down or be sweet when he rages. You can only take his threats seriously and have the cops remove him for your safety.

He is out of control and these rages won't stop as long as you do nothing! He will escalate and can become violent. Please stay away from him and email a trusted friend telling them what is happening right now. This can be used as proof that you are afraid of him!

Stay safe.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

IMO, the ONLY, very slim chance that you have to be in R is to make him move out, file for divorce, and stop talking to the liar. Seriously.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Well I tried to talk to him and he in just wound up with rage. He is rewriting history and says that he is fed up with me accusing him of things he didn't do. There really has not been much of that, there has been me always verifying, with damn good reason, and him not really settling any of my fears. I tried to talk to him but he just kept saying he is done and putting me down for trying to find helpe here which he sees as me hunting for things wrong with him. When I say the phone I found is real he says hes never talking about it and I should have just gone forward in life with him and forgot the past. That he was not in contact with her but no I could not do that. I really didnt get to say anything. He was incensed that I blocked the door and he said that that is it I showed him that I didn't want him and so its over. Very juvenile would not listen that I felt vulnerable with him raging just says it meant that I did not want him so its over. I guess shifting the blame to me and my locking the door on one night. I tried tosay I think that is a very little thing compared to what you put me throught, that in the last twelve months I have had two ddays, my mother's death, and found out he was using cocaine. Doesn't matter, he says, I locked the door. Just illogical. Maybe he just is through and wanted to blame me. Doesn't feel good at all. I tried three times to get him to come to bed but he anrily said toleave him alone he is done and I didn't want him so he is done. I said should I call a lawyer, he says do what you want , go on your little computer and ask your friends what to do. I am done. You can find out what its like to live by yourself and not spend all day finding out things about me. The third time I appealed, told him that I know loves me he says no you don't,no you don't when I say I love him he says I don't show it whcih is sonot true, that I spend time finding things wrong. I say they are the truth and he just kept repeating his mantra of I'm done. I told him I would pack up his stuff when he is at work today but he yelled don't touchmystuf I will pack it tomorrow. Which would mean another night of him coming home and raging and the next day. I have no one to call I called my sister but she doesn't answer. I don't know what to do. The fear I have is that this is a blameshifting rage, that he does leave, and he possibly contacts OW and starts using. Or I fear he is doing this because he is already with OW and wants to make the breakup my fault. What do I do tha twill have the besult result. Should I call his brother?


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 1st (Saturday)

Wow.

Ok - as is often said here, sometimes to save your marriage you need to be willing to let it go. I think you are the poster child for this phrase. Your H is emotionally abusive. You found a phone showing a lot more cheating, and he has the nerve to bitch about work? Really? How selfish is this man? "Yes, I've lied, I've cheated for a decade. I'm emotionally abusive and refuse to speak to you because you're hurting. But hey, I work a lot, so tough shit."

mainlyinpain, he has you so twisted from his abuse that you're actually saying he does work a lot and that you shouldn't have confronted because he had nothing to give. HE CHEATED AND LIED - I don't care if he has been on his feet for 36 hours, you had every right to call him out and confront him. You are not an accessory, and he's treating you like you should only be doing things that make him happy. If you don't, he shuts you out.

If I were you, I would not let him in or respond to anything he says for the rest of the weekend, if he says anything. I would see a lawyer on Monday and file. He's so used to abusing you that he thinks nothing of it, and thinks you won't go anywhere. Let him know you're done being mistreated, cheated on, lied to. If he comes back, it's on YOUR terms, not his. He's the one with the work to do, not you. If he doesn't come back, well, I'm sorry but D was going to happen, so why not get that ball rolling.

You can't keep letting him dictate the relationship. He's been unfaithful for far too long. There are too many lies.

What are your boundaries? Write them down. Decide what you will and won't accept. Then it's his choice - he either lives within those boundaries, or he lives without you.

mainlyinpain, please don't take this as judgment or criticism. From your post here, it sounds like you've been being emotionally abused by him for so long you've gotten things mixed up. He's the broken one. It's not up to you to figure out how to say things. It's not fair that he acts like a child and doesn't speak to you for a week, and then explodes. I don't care how busy he is. I'm busy this time of year too. I don't abuse my H because of it.

Please, stop thinking about how not to anger him and start thinking about what you need, want and will accept. You know this isn't right. You know this won't get better if you just keep riding it out. You don't want the rest of your life to be with someone that threatens to abandon you every time he gets annoyed. You don't want someone that cheats and then gets infuriated that you dare ask about it. You deserve better, and honestly, he doesn't. He deserves to be left in the dust, still thinking he's some great prize. He's treating you like you're lucky he's still there. In reality, he's lucky. He's a liar and a cheat, and he has a wife that is willing to work things out.

Boundaries - what are they? Abuse - how do you get away from it? Marriage - a joint effort, or one party catering to another to avoid verbal whiplash and emotional starvation?

Please, consider these things, and be very willing to let him go. IMO, at this point it's the only way that you can rebalance your M.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1869 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 5:50 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

painful past,
every sentence you wrote is spot on. I still am very mind muddled and scared. I fear him as a divorce opponent because he can be ruthless.

I did talk to my sister, she was not much help but said she would go with me when I need to see a lawyer. So I don't feel so all alone.

I also talked to my younger brother who is a corporate lawyer. He was so kind and supportive and said he will help in any way. I asked if he could come over tomorrow for moral support if indeed my WH does start packing up and leaves as I know that will be hurtful. I don't think WH will come home until late tonight so maybe I can avoid him and go to bed early.

I told my brother everything which was hard. He plays b-ball with my husband almost every Monday. His kids sometimes work in my WH office.

This morning the only thing he said was don't touch my stuff I will pack tomorrow. I really don't have the energy to pack his stuff and don't want the rage if I do so...we shall see.

I still feel the barbs of all he said to me and how I could not defend any as I was not allowed to speak. I mostly feel the pain of him rejecting my trying to get him to sleep in bed, he acted as if I repelled him. Such rage and anger one has to feel like they have done something wrong, grieviously wrong to have elicited that. But I know it is as you say, he only wants me to make him happy, anything else and I am shut out. Why is this? When I talked to my brother I remarked that I never have a conversation with my WH like this, where he offers comfort and tells me what his take on this is, is reflective. Of course when it is about someone else it is easier but still.....I see WH here at SI being reflective and digging deep for answers, my WH wants to hide everything and never talk about it again---for him---but what about what I need?
I have to think that he really is involved with OW to have elicited such a dramatic reversal and emphatic avowal of it being over. I don't think he would do that without a safety net.
I am very sad. You all know this drill. Am I moving down the topic section to divorce? What a wasted life this has been. I am sad for my son. I will never risk my heart again.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

(((mainlyinpain)))

I'm just so so sorry, sweety. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Like most responders have mentioned, you are mired in the bargaining phase. This is not your fault - you are confused and in pain and hoping that he will somehow become the person you need him to be. We've all been there to some degree.

Hear us when we tell you that you can't do anything to control him. Even if he shows you his "non-inflammatory" side from time to time, that doesn't mean that it's worth it to stay through the rest of the emotional abuse.

Sometimes we feel obliged to try and fix this - whether it's out of shame or to try and protect our kids. We feel obliged because there ARE good minutes, hours, or even days. At the end of the day, you don't HAVE to try and make this work. He's showing you his true colors with the outbursts as well as the NC. He's showing you who he is when he yells and calls you names.

You deserve a life free from this. It's going to be hard and scary to let it sink in that you can't control him, but once you do you can use your energy to control the things in your life that you need to make yourself safe and respected.

It's not going to happen overnight. Be gentle with yourself, and take little baby steps towards the light and away from this mess.


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16844 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I see WH here at SI being reflective and digging deep for answers, my WH wants to hide everything and never talk about it again---for him---but what about what I need?
I think this tells you everything you need to know, main.

I don't know your story in full, but what I get from reading this string of posts is a situation in which you're driving yourself nuts thinking about what's going on inside his head and thoughts, altering your actions to avoid riling him up, and basically just failing to establish any non-negotiable unalterable terms for your relationship and life (aka boundaries).

You seem highly co-dependent to me, and I mean that sympathetically, as I used to be similar. When I read this thread, I just see someone focused on an outcome that may never come to pass, and that her partner doesn't seem to care about. Reconciliation takes two.

I hope that you get some measure of resolution soon.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2006 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Thanks you Jrazz,
I found myself straining to read your every word like I am parched, empty and your words sustain me, let me go on. I am so hurt and broken, afraid to move lest that intensify the hurt. I will move slowly if I am able. I am so sad to lose this person who has been with me so long. I miss who he was. This May would be our 30th. We will not be grandparents together and worse he may try to include this possible OW in the mix to any grandchildren or DIL I may (hope) have. I know I can't think of that yet it haunts me.

Facepunched, I don't even know what boundaries are anymore, esp don't know how to have the power to have them and make sure they are enforced and what to make as a consequence and how enact it. You kinda have to have someone first who wants to know what your boundaries are. Probably don't need to know anymore but that whole thing there is about power and I have none, do not come from a place of power. I know I have been manipulated and conditioned and I barely know how to verbalize what I feel from what I get and don't get from him. His actions and inactions are beyond logical or right to me. Except that they are usually all about him.
I still am so worried that he is with OW, like now, or on the phone earlier. Not mostly that I care that he wants her but that something is still being done to me behind my back.
Or am I nuts and there is no communication?
Make it stop. I am afraid for when he comes home. Send me strength please. I feel alone..


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Facepunched, I don't even know what boundaries are anymore, esp don't know how to have the power to have them and make sure they are enforced and what to make as a consequence and how enact it. You kinda have to have someone first who wants to know what your boundaries are. Probably don't need to know anymore but that whole thing there is about power and I have none, do not come from a place of power.
See, here's where I think you're selling yourself short. You have all the power you could ever need. You just have to utilize it. You have to let go of the outcome. From what I can tell, your husband has been disrespecting you for damn-near a decade.

I think you know exactly what you need to do: you need to sit down and tell him exactly what the expectations are for anyone who wants to be married to you. And you need to do this based off of what you actually what from a husband, without tailoring it to what you think he needs or wants to hear to keep him in the picture.

In short, you need to set your boundaries and detach. You mentioned that you need a partner who's willing to respect your boundaries in order to have them, and I could not disagree more. Your boundaries about what you will tolerate are all about YOU. Detaching, the 180, whatever you want to call it....it's not about the other person, ever. It's not about trying to change the other person in any way to become the person we want them to be, it's about removing the 'hooks' that we have emotionally attached to them that make us feel tethered and yanked about.

In short, it's about us. About finally saying to ourselves, "I know what the healthiest choice is for me....and that's what I'm going to go after, consequences be damned."

I'm going to channel/plagarize wincing_at_light here, but the very worst thing that can happen is that you lose a cheating husband....and you know how much those are worth, anyway.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2006 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

Mainly. Honey you are so caught up in. This assholes cycle of abuse you can't see the fires for the trees.

You need to stop and ask yourself why you would want to R with a man who has proven to be a long term liar and cheat ?
Why would you want to be abused the rest of your life like this?
Would you want your kids to be afraid of their spouse and blame themselves for their partners shortcomings?

Go get a lawyer and find out what your right are and his obligations are. You deserve so much more in life. Think how happy you will be when you only have to worry about yourself and your child.

Quit letting fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, and most of all fear of a ruthless jerk leaving you destitute, from. Living the life you deserve.

Fear is your driving emotion now. Put fear aside and look at it as a rational outsider. With a competent lawyer you will get a fair and equal outcome in D.

Now go dig in your closet back there behind the old shoes under the dresses. Dig em out you have a fabulous pair of red leather stiletto thigh high Bitch Boots. Now strap them on and take control. We got your back.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8097 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

I am and have been ruled by fear. These rages....they are all post A, he was not this man before. But that was a long time ago. And although he has said he wants to be the man he was twenty years ago...he is the only one who can make that happen and none of this is the man he was twenty years ago. My father would rage and rage and I think this is what paralyzes me sometimes or makes me accept it. I would run for cover with my father's rage and I actually adapted a happy-go-lucky demeanor around him to defuse. To placate.
His psych at one time proposed possible bipolar II for him. Don't know if these rages are part of that or not.
He is just so far gone. So many years of lies and deceit. I don't think he knows who he is. And he wants to blame anyone but himself. I can't help him. There I said it. But I sooo much want to. My heart soo much wants to. As if he were my child. Over myself I always choose what he needs. I try to get what I need from him but I settle for what I get instead.
I don't want to be with someone who wants to bring me down, denigrate me. Who will do to me what he did and then at times of rage tell me what he thinks is wrong with me and not in a helpful you need to fix this but in a you are disgusting and beneath me, less worthy than me, kind of a way. Begone....we're over. That is not love. It can't be. I could never hurt him like that. My heart would not allow it.
There is something wrong with this kind of rage. It accomplishes nothing except I guess for him to unleash his demons and make me feel as bad as he does. Which is sad. I don't want him to feel such pain.

Tush Nurse, I will put my bitch boots on. But I think if I can I will hide them under a long skirt. I hope that he defuses and does not leave tomorrow. Because I want to get my ducks in a perfect row with him none the wiser if possible. And then I will feel that power that you say I have FacePunched (hate calling you that :)
If he stays tomorrow, if there is a lull, I am going into action quietly, become a subversive and that's where my energies will go. Then at that time the boundaries with the ultimatums will be thrown down. He can dance or not dance, his choice, I will have my exit plan. I will feel safe.

He came home a couple hours ago. I immediately went on the phone for a long conversation with my son. WH went in basement, nothing said to me. I think I hear him going out now, maybe to shovel the new present from the polar vortex. I am going to go pour a huge glass of baileys on the rocks. Watch some SNL, have a laugh.

We shall see what tomorrow will bring.
Love to you all, you are my strength.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, March 1st (Saturday)

mainlyinpain,
Honey, I want you to think of your children. Pretend you are putting up boundaries for someone bullying them. Take yourself out of the situation for a minute.
Then you will see where your boundaries are.
He is not going to stop abusing you and controlling you until you put your foot down.
The others have already told you so I won't harp on the other issues. You have some really great advice. If you start to doubt yourself, then post hear.
Oh, and I hope it's a mini skirt with those bitch boots. They don't do a damn bit o'good if you don't model them bad boys off.
You need to start standing up for yourself. Being abused is so demoralizing. After a while you don't know which way is up.
You could really use a hug!
(((mainlyinpain)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Still silent treatment today, except last night he opened the door to the room I was in and accused me of taking his phone....no....no....I did not....looks at me disgustedly....then he just leaves. Go find your own phone....

I see no sign of his packing anything....damn

he's gone now
blissful silence not rage filled

Do I even want to bother putting a gps in his car? I just got one and ....just so tired of it all


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Yes.

You need to see irrefutable evidence.

I can see that you are being worn down...but now you have a better understanding of "WHY' he is trying to wear you down. You can see through the bluster and really see him for what he really is...a liar, a cheat and delusional bully.

I have said this before, he is not worthy of your grace and loving loyalty.

Unfortunately you are suffering. But I can feel that your Give. A. Shit. is just about broke.

And like StillLivin said, let that skirt be a short one. Be proud to don those Bitch Boots and let the whole world see you strut them with pride and confidence!

Go ahead, pierce that Bully Bubble that your WH has wrapped himself with those fab BB stilettos.

That will be that start of a lot of changes in your realm Queen MIP!

Hang in there and stick with your plan of seeing a lawyer. Get your ducks in order and then...Let Her Rip!

(((((Queen MIP)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Please; another factor complicating this is the drug use. cocaine and rage go hand in hand and have been known to cause violent behavior during conflict. This is NOT a safe environment for you. Keeping the peace until you are safe and have your divorce underway may have to be the way to go in order to protect yourself. However, the knowledge that you are taking control of the situation and taking action will be enough empowerment to get through this difficult time. Please do not continue this life. He clearly does not value what you have right now, and you cannot fix that. If you were successful with his entire list of "must fixes" he would still not be satisfied because this is NOT about YOU. It is about him and he is broken with no desire to help you heal from what he has done to you. You are worthy of FAR better than this. ((HUGS)).


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

((((MIP))))

Have you called a lawyer yet today???
Please do so. Start moving on getting those ducks into a row.

You deserve much more in life, time to go get it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8097 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Thanks for asking Tushnurse,
I am looking and googling to find one and to figure out what I need to have, what info, papers, etc. I am afraid to pick the wrong lawyer. I am moving slow but I am moving. It hurts. I have a counselor appt on Wed. I hope he will help me focus. When I made the appt it was to be for MC but I will use him as an IC I think maybe. Anyway I have that appt so will keep.

Is it ok if I cry in the lawyer's office? Should I go by myself or ask my sister to go with? She is not much emotional support but....
Maybe go by myself for first appt.

I have been trying to get this GPS thing I have to actually work and that's frustrated me. I find it hard to focus.
Also, he took my son's car to work today and I never know what car he will drive so may have to get another. I really want to know if there is still contact. Actually would make me strangely feel better if I know there is because I will know that is what is allowing him to be so cruel.

Continues to ignore me. At times I am paralyzed by the pain of that. My abdominal muscles clench and I shiver.
It is him withholding love/affection from me which hurts but it also takes away from me someone for me to give the love I have in me to. Do you know what I mean? It feels good in life to not only be loved but to give love and those are both gone now. In an instant.

Never,
I did consider the coke thing too. It's possible but I
don't think so....The rage was just so scary and illogical. When I am angry I want the other person to answer to what I am mad about but he wanted to hear nothing from me. I know he was unable to deal with the negative information I found and so turned the tables.
Such sadness.

Hugs right back to you all.

MIP



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

God, awful feeling. He was supposed to be at work tonight but comes home, changes clothes, and leaves. No word of course. I start to feel major anxiety, what is going on behind my back? He is driving my son's car ....I don't want AP in my son's car. He probably is not doing anything but I have to have this anxiety. So I have to call my brother and humiliate myself and ask if maybe my husband is playing basketball with him tonight? He says he thinks he is.

Realize just how awful this silence is for me, how easy he has it. He never has to worry one second what I am doing or where I am or who I am with during this silence. He does not have this torture. He knows I am good, decent, faithful. What an ass.
I think this thread should not be in R anymore. I feel like I am intruding this ugliness into a good place.
Sorry.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 30