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User Topic: Intuition is rarely wrong...
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Sorry gotta edit..

[This message edited by JaneDeaux at 4:21 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I would let the OW's husband know ASAP, don't even let your H or the OW know that you are doing this..She already deserves to be outed as does your WH.

I can understand you not wanting to start anew at 52 years old...If you are like me ( I am 58yrs old) there isn't any choice but to start anew as soon as possible..

I tried to show my WH the door, but he refuses to leave, saying the house is 1/2 his..This alone tells me that my D is will likely be a nasty fight..At my age and with my WH's attitude I have to carefully get my ducks in a row..

So if your WH will leave when/if you ask, consider yourself fortunate... It can be healing to have the whole living space to yourself while you get your ducks in a row for D or let your WH prove his remorse/lack of it from afar..

This is how I feel about my own marriage and its demise..

I no longer want to live with a cheating husband working on a marriage that isn't worth my effort..The balance of give and take in my marriage was way off..

My marriage met a lot more of my WH's needs than my own..

After my WH disrespected me in the ways that he did, with a lack of remorse, there is no going back, no saving the marriage..

WH being in my daily life is a reminder of the disregard he has for me and my feelings..

Give some heavy consideration to how you will feel in the long run if anything I wrote above applies to your life...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:23 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I am sorry you are having to deal with this!!!

You have to tell the betrayed spouse right away!!!

You need to do it for the spouse and you.

(((Hugs)))


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 146 | Registered: Jul 2011
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Hi Jane. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
His phone, iPad and computer are all password protected.

First thing, you need to collect the phone, ipad and computer and make him give you all the passwords. You get to keep them as long as you want to do your investigating. Don't warn him about this in advance! Just trade phones with him for a few days or buy him a cheap pay as you go phone to use for a while.

If the OW is married, let her BH know ASAP. Don't even give your WH the courtesy of telling him that you are doing this. Just do it. As far as confronting the OW, think long and hard before you do that. After taking his electronic toys away, you can make your decision. Good luck.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
undonelife
Member
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Don't fool w OW at all waste of time. Go for her husband. Let him know. If you can get a copy of those FB love messages give them to him. You can decide if you want to stay married to him after that but regardless out them both. He needs to see shock & awe. Personally I wouldn't want anymore time with him after one time but you get to decide if he is worth it. You know him. Best wishes to you.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

So I have to ask...

but we have a lot of history together

my husband has engaged in yet another EA and PA with MOW

Another? How many times has he done this? What kind of history are you wanting to keep a hold of?

You shouldn't be worried about dealing with the OW (although I agree to tell her BS), you should be worried about dealing with your husband. He's your real problem, not the current whore.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1420 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

OMGosh I just peeked at your profile. This isn't going to change until you force his hand. You aren't retaining a history by staying with this guy, as is, you are securing a miserable future for yourself.

You need drastic changes from him. He needs to be in IC.

He has not been a husband and has certainly not been a friend since at least 2009, if not longer.

What you are afraid of losing-is already gone. And you do not want to keep what you have.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:36 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1420 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Sorry gotta edit

[This message edited by JaneDeaux at 4:22 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Dear Jane,

Starting over after 50 is hard, but wonderful and rewarding.

Living with a serial cheater who won't stop AND being over 50 is subjecting yourself to torture and demoralizing.

If you are both over 50, why do you think you will owe him alimony? He works, you work, kids are a non-issue.

Don't automatically assume things. Go see a lawyer and find out what rights you have. Just because you see a lawyer doesn't mean you are filing; it means you are going about this the smart way.

And I'm in the same camp as your friends.

k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 1:32 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6507 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

So what if he deactivated his facebook account. You don't have anything close to transparency. He still has everything else password protected. Add that to your multiple ddays and the chances he won't do it again are pretty slim. If he really had any remorse or even fear that you were serious, he'd be handing all electronics over and letting you set the passwords. Without your husband willingly being transparent, the likelihood of this happening again and again and again is very high.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4029 | Registered: Sep 2005
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I agree with k9. Go see a lawyer. In fact see as many as you can because if they consulted with you, even if you don't hire them, they can't work with your husband.

Anyway, see a lawyer and find out what will really happen and what you would be really facing in a divorce. You might be pleasantly surprised.
If nothing else it will be empowering and you will know what you are dealing with.

It might even help should he decide to divorce, which is entirely out of your control.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1420 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
IsthereEVERanend
Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Okay. You asked. Confront ap husband. Now. End it.

[This message edited by IsthereEVERanend at 2:57 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

((((((JaneDeaux))))))

Sadly, so far, I have never heard of anyone's intuition being wrong, never.

Go and find Mr I.Eatsharksforbreakfast, lawyer at large, and stop the insanity.

My WH had too many lucky breaks, never again. Last gift ever, me and reconciliation...and I'll take it away any day I choose if he so much as blinks n the wrong direction.

You see how that works? Your WH is not getting consequences, just a cosy chat with a counsellor, grr.

Don't believe the no contact.
Tell the OWs poor deluded BH.
Get out of dodge.

See, the sun looks brighter already...

Kia kaha
xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

You are 52?

Friend, there is not a better time to start fresh. I too was married to the nicest guy in the world and our marriage was the envy of all.

But, in fact, my marriage was a 26 yr joke and my WXH one creepy guy.

I thought I would die of a broken heart - really, actually drop dead from the anguish. But here I am.

First thing - you told him you were done - so be done. Stone cold NC. Detachment will clear your head.

Second - lawyer up, baby.

Last - he has decimated your heart and trust. This has gone on for years. The work he would have to do to reconcile would be gargantuan. Maybe he'll man up to the task. But do not let him slide on any non- negotiable. He needs to LOVINGLY answer every question you have then be willing to answer again and again. Unless he can move heaven and earth to make it up to you - you must move forward.


BW 53
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 497 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

(((((Jane))))

You have great advice in all the posts above. I hope you can free yourself to consider the possibility of D. Once you put concrete reality to it by consulting with a lawyer and learning what the likely outcome will be the fear will subside.

You are clearly not happy or fulfilled by this M and your WH is not doing anything for you except lead you on by suggesting MC so his comfy lifestyle won't be disrupted. You don't need him and he knows it--now it is time for you to learn the same.

Starting anew is a gift you can give to yourself. It's all about your perspective.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4082 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Let the OW husband know stat!! Wouldn't you want to know if you were her?

And he shouldn't be allowed to have passwords on ANYTHING if he is serious about R. Just saying...


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

[This message edited by JaneDeaux at 4:22 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

If it comes down to it, I started over at 52 and life is pretty darn good!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 191 | Registered: Sep 2012
Mommato5
New Member
Member # 42624
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I am new to this whole infidelity club and your story is so sad! I see so much of my story in yours except the multiple affairs. We are dealing with our first and still trying to literally survive it. I might survive a second, but no chance for our marriage!!!!!

I am a stay at home mom however, and envy your ability to financially care for your family. Staying home and loosing 20 years of earning potential is my lifes greatest regret.

I was informed of the affair by the other spouse. So with a heavy heart, I also agree with doing it. But after seeing a lawyer!!!


Psalms 147:3
Married 19 years, 9 months and 1 day. The day my marriage died.
5 fabulous kids with tragically broken hearts

Posts: 43 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Jane, it sounds as though you've been to this same old rodeo numerous times.

If you choose to continue in this broken and dysfuncional relationship just because you think starting over at 52 is impossible, then unfortunately you're just setting yourself up for a long lifetime of heartbreak.

I started over at 53 and it was wonderful. Don't knock it until you've tried it.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1701 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I don't think you are clinging to something that is toxic. I think you are trying to look past something that is toxic because you are clinging to hopes, dreams, plans with this man, past memories, how things should be, etc. That's a very normal reaction. Good luck today. ((jane))


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1420 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

For the record I started over at 53.

I didn't find the girl I once was; I am becoming the woman I want to be.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6507 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 22