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User Topic: What a tangled web
NotFeelingTheLuv
New Member
Member # 42593
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I've been visiting this site for a few weeks now, reading what others have posted. I think I'm finally ready to post my story.

I found out my husand was cheating 3 weeks ago. I became suspicious a month or so prior to that and really started paying attention. There was a lot of texting going on, hiding his phone, etc. Then on the day I found out, he had accidentally left his phone open, with 3 text showing...2 from her, one from him. The texts were very sexual in nature. I was getting ready to go to work when I found them. I reacted, and confronted him. He said it was nothing but some friendly flirting. I left for work, and somehow got thru my day. When I got home, it was obvious he had been thinking of a story to tell me. He told me that when he was in the airport with her, they were in a bar and overheard another couple talking and saying these things that I found in the texts. He made it sound like they were laughing and joking at what the couple in the airport were saying to each other. Of course, I called him a liar, and how stupid did he think I was to believe that. So for the next week, he stuck to his story. I did not see him most of the week, as he does travel quite a bit for his job.

So once I calmed down a bit, I started doing some investigation. I remembered the name I had seen on his phone, and checked out all the social media. Her name is rather common, so couldn't find anything specific, until I got to LinkedIn. That is when I found out she works for him! He has always been adament that coworkers should not have intimate relationships, he's even dealt with this issue with other people that have worked for him, discouraging the behavior and coming down hard on them. Now he is playing the same game, and potentially putting his career in jeopardy.

She lives in another state, so they don't see each other a lot, but with his job, it does require him to be in contact with her, and see her on occasion. They also have opportunities to travel together. Once I had all of this, when I spoke to him the following weekend, I confronted him on it again. He agreed to give me access to his phone, which of course all evidence was gone at this point. But, I had the password to his phone. Over the weekend, I snapped a picture of her info and I was able access his cell phone bills online, without him knowing. That's when the real truth started coming up. I pulled his voice and messaging records and started going back in time. Unfortunately, messages only went back 90 days, but it was enough. In 90 days time, he had sent/received over 6,000 messages just with her.

Once he realized I wasn't going to let this go, we had a talk, and he came clean. He's had two one nite stands with people he works with, in the past 6 months, plus had an emotional affair with this woman he's been texting. He did not admit to a sexual affair with her, but I'm sure it probably has happened or will happen soon, as he is still communicating with her, and doesn't seem to be interested in stopping.

He claims he started all this because our marriage is loveless, and we haven't been a loving couple in 5 or 6 years. So instead of trying to fix what was wrong between us, he goes off with other women.

We have two beautiful children (ages 9 & 11), have been married 17 years, and both have successful careers. Because of his travel, I am the one that holds down the fort at home, keeping things running throughout the week, while he is away. Yes, I admit, our marriage is not what it used to be. His career has always been a priority for him, so I've supported that and been there for him.

Unfortunately, as with a lot of couples with young children, dualing careers and so many activities to divide our attention, we have basically been living parallel lives for years. We don't talk much anymore, unless its about the kids. We tried counseling a few years back, but that turned into me needing more therapy because at the same time as we started couples therapy, I had a major extended family issue surface that I had to deal with, and have been dealing with emotionally since.

The ironic thing is, he doesn't want things to change. He wants to stay in the same house, even stay married if I want to. Yet he wants to continue what he is doing, even suggesting I do the same. He encouraged me to try dating other people and see how it goes. He tells me he has no intention of getting married again. He only wants what is best for our kids and for me. He's not trying to make this a financial war between us, has agreed to support whatever decision I make, whether to stay or kick him out.

I'm still in shock that all this has happened. I don't know what to do, or how to get through this.

I'm sure I'm leaving a lot of details out that would make this story more understandable, but its a start.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014
LAFA
Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

It's sad for you, but he has developed an appetite for cake. I don't believe you will be able to find any happiness in that arrangement, so you're likely better off to bounce him. He sounds amenable to that prospect, but may wise up once his ass meets the curb. He won't change his habits unless and until there are real consequences. Make it clear to him what he stands to lose.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

((((((Not feeling the luv))))))

Boy, are you not feeling the love! Your WH has his head so far up his posterior he's unable to see daylight! Wow

Go to a lawyer and get him served. He is trying to live a schoolboy fantasy, trouble is he's not a boy, a marriage isn't school and you're not a brainless sucker.

So, you need to wake him up from this unicorn farting rainbow fantasy he has constructed for himself, sadly he may be so lost to human decency that he NEVER gets past it, but sweetie, that's not your problem. This is no way to live.

Is that the kind of cold, immoral lifestyle you want to model for your beautiful children? I don't believe so.

Look after yourself and your children. Eat well, drink water and exercise when you can while you remove him from his marriage. Look into the 180. It really helps.

Don't let the person you used to know and love twist you into compromising your ideals of love, marriage and life.

Wishing you strength on this, the most painful of journeys. And an overwhelming number of virtual hugs (((())))) I find they really help!

Kia kaha
xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I agree with truly's advice, it is spot on..
In your WH's mind he may be trying to minimize his guilt feelings by suggesting you and he live in an open marriage..


If your WH was genuinely concerned for you and the kiddos, he would go ahead and divorce you if he wasn't feeling the love..

Have you thought about having your WH sign a post-nup agreement to protect you financially as a condition of you staying in the marriage (if you guys decide to work on true R) ?

Be prepared with your ducks in a row, because once your WH gets served (should you go that route) all bets may be off and he will be looking after himself only..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)


I don't know what to do, or how to get through this.
I am guessing you do not want to share you WH. So you should read up on this site about the 180 and implement it. Is the OW married? Please let her BS know if so. If I were you, I would go into stealth mode and investigate and get more evidence, hard evidence.

The ironic thing is, he doesn't want things to change. He wants to stay in the same house, even stay married if I want to. Yet he wants to continue what he is doing, even suggesting I do the same. He encouraged me to try dating other people and see how it goes.

First of all:

Of course he doesn’t want it to change. But can you live that kind of life. If he is encouraging you to date then he is gone. He no longer cares for you as a H should. His loyalty is with OW or whoever.

Please get checked for STD's.

I personally could not live an open marriage. Great arrangement for him no doubt about it. It will kill your soul if you still love your H.
Do you have kids with him?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 575 | Registered: Mar 2003
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Hi NotFeelingTheLuv,
I am so sorry, that is terrible! Your story sounds alot like mine. I am sorry, it is so shocking and traumatic and confusing. I was totally blindsided by my H who was apparently having an affair for almost 1.5years, with a woman he met online, that was in an open marriage and he got all hooked on that riduculous idea. He said he wanted me to find someone that made me feel that way too....ummm HELL NO!


I never knew, he told me finally this summer. I also have little kids, we had the two career thing going on up until just the last 2 years, I was definately holding down the fort despite making more money than him. Our marriage wasn't bad, I thought we were happy, but it wasn't great either, we definately drifted apart just due to the hard life of two working parents with little kids and all that- but I thought we were on the same team and had a deep, deep bond that wasn't so easily broken by some whore he met on Ashley Madison.

I was wrong. Apparently cheap sex was more important. That cheap sex and ego stroking then changed into LOVE according to him. But, he didn't intend to give either up, he would have liked to keep it all going. Of course he would.

I said NO WAY and F**K you and the whore you rode in on! I think he wanted me to do it, end it, so he wouldn't have to be that guy that left his wife for some skanky whore he met on line. But, really he is responsible for the end. There was no coming back from that. Saying he wants you to date means he isn't committed to this relationship, he is just comfortable and why wouldn't he want to be both married and single- best of both worlds!

You need to give him a firm ultimatum. Shape up or ship out. Or just end it, if this is a dealbreaker for you. Once you loose respect for someone, as I assume you have for him, it rarely ever comes back.

Take control back from him, and you decide what you want.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

This is not your fault. Cheating is a choice. He chose to do this, and is now rewriting the marital history to suit his needs.

A few people will come here and tell you to take your time. I would suggest the opposite - be proactive. He has chosen to carry on betraying you after you confronted him.

Furthermore for him to suggest that you continue to look after the kids whilst he hooks up with various women is incredibly insulting in my opinion.

1) See a lawyer.
2) File for divorce to get your respect back. You can always stop the process if he shows enough remorse.
3) Expose his hookups to their Husbands/boyfriends.
4) Get checked for STDs


Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2013
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

The ironic thing is, he doesn't want things to change.

He already changed things in ways not of your liking. You can't change him, you can't nice him back. Best thing is move forward. Start D, he either wakes up or your outta there. If he doesn't you are on your way to a authentic life, and he will continue with his messing around. He won't be your problem.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2901 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

The ironic thing is, he doesn't want things to change. He wants to stay in the same house, even stay married if I want to. Yet he wants to continue what he is doing, even suggesting I do the same. He encouraged me to try dating other people and see how it goes. He tells me he has no intention of getting married again.

Of course he does. He likes having YOU do all the work around the house PLUS all the child-rearing PLUS work a full time job outside the home and contribute financially.

All he's gotta do is come home and lay on the couch when he's done working. When YOU get home from work, you start your SECOND and THIRD jobs - housecleaning, cooking, laundry, childrearing, and the millions of other things you do over the course of any given day while his lazy ass lays out on the couch.

Of COURSE he doesn't want to give it up. He's got a maid, a nanny, and a second income all rolled up into one. While you're busy working your ass off outside the home as well as inside your home, he's having a blast texting, sexing, flirting, screwing his coworkers, and stroking his pitiful ego.

Sounds as though he doesn't contribute squat to your family dynamic - other than a paycheck.

I think you can do whatever you want and all options are available to you. You don't have to put up with his crap simply because you depend on him. I'm SO glad you have options.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

The ironic thing is, he doesn't want things to change. He wants to stay in the same house, even stay married if I want to. Yet he wants to continue what he is doing, even suggesting I do the same. He encouraged me to try dating other people and see how it goes. He tells me he has no intention of getting married again.

Of course he does. He likes having YOU do all the work around the house PLUS all the child-rearing PLUS work a full time job outside the home and contribute financially.

All he's gotta do is come home and lay on the couch when he's done working. When YOU get home from work, you start your SECOND and THIRD jobs - housecleaning, cooking, laundry, childrearing, and the millions of other things you do over the course of any given day while his lazy ass lays out on the couch.

Of COURSE he doesn't want to give it up. He's got a maid, a nanny, and a second income all rolled up into one. While you're busy working your ass off outside the home as well as inside your home, he's having a blast texting, sexing, flirting, screwing his coworkers, and stroking his pitiful ego.

Sounds as though he doesn't contribute squat to your family dynamic - other than a paycheck.

I think you can do whatever you want and all options are available to you. You don't have to put up with his crap simply because you depend on him. I'm SO glad you have options.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry. Clearly he thinks he can dictate whatever terms, keep[ the comfortable life he has, and feel like he's being generous for extending this offer to have an open relationship.

Since he doesn't want to work on changing there is really no choice but to do what you need to do for yourself. In this case that would seem to be seeing a lawyer. Hopefully he stays amicable and fair about the D terms but you never know.

You didn't deserve this and I'm sorry he's done this so unilaterally. But you are going to be okay and so are your kids. Stay strong and take care of yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3785 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

double post sorry.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:06 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3785 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NotFeelingTheLuv
New Member
Member # 42593
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and honesty. I appreciate your candidness. Everything I read, and all the signs seem to point to one thing...divorce. I am coming to the realization that that will be the pill to swallow eventually. I just need to get all my ducks in a row while he continues to think I'll put up with this behavior. At the same time, I'm scared to death how this will impact my two girls. They are 9 and 11 and I hate how this will hurt them. Their world will be turned upside down...as will mine.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

NFTL

You do what is best for you. You have your girls most of the time anyway.

And sadly your husband does not want to change and do what is most convenient for him.

so make a plan.

Get your finances and legal affairs in order.

Then move forward with him or without him.

Good Luck

HM


Posts: 800 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, March 3rd (Monday)


You're right, their world will be forever changed.

It already has changed, in frightening ways.

The change you now bring about will have a lasting resonance of strength that will gently support them through their lives.
A strong, capable, independent mother is a very, very powerful thing.

The people on this site discover strength and humanity that they didn't know they possessed before infidelity invaded their lives; so we are changed, tempered.

Thought are with you,
(((((((NFTL))))))


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 15