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Reconciliation
User Topic: Next--what do you like or admire in your spouse?
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

This is a follow up to my last post. I think sometimes, when we are struggling or down, it's harder to see the good anywhere. I'm trying to practice appreciation more in general. Especially on rough days, as I find that practice can help yank me out of my negative mindset and remind me of why I am working so hard at this R journey.

In light of that, I wanted to also post a sentence or two about my spouse, and what I admire or appreciate in him. I invite you to do the same.

I deeply admire my husband's innate generosity, and willingness to devote time to me and our family. If we ever have a problem or need help, I can count on him to drop everything and help.

I also admire his spontaneity, and ability to go-with-the-flow. His flexibility is the perfect counterpart to my need to plan.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I struggle with this. So many of the things I admired about him before are tainted by his As.

It's the same reason it takes me forever to pick out a Valentines Day card for him. They are always over the top and it just stands out to me that the things written in them aren't true for us. It takes a while to find a card that just says Happy VDay and I love you.

I do like and admire that he is finding his own voice. It was part of the problem that led him to the As. He was a doormat and bent over backwards for so many meaningless people. It would sometimes be at the expense of our relationship. It was beyond helping a friend out. I like that he is learning that he has a right to be angry with people and a right to speak his mind.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He's a financial genius. He knows how and when to invest, how to position us for the best deal in big purchases. We were able to save to help four kids pay for half their education without too much sacrifice....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He's a financial genius. He knows how and when to invest, how to position us for the best deal in big purchases. We were able to save to help four kids pay for half their education without too much sacrifice...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He has great work ethic and an innate desire to provide financially for our family.
He loves my daughter just as much as he loves our sons.
He holds me when I cry and never tells me, in words or otherwise, that I'm being irrational and should just get over whatever it is already.
He is appreciative of the things I do for him.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He is smart, funny, kind and athletic, and since the A has become much more introspective. He has started putting his ego aside, and is all-around a thoughtful and caring guy. He laughs at my jokes, and he also has wonderful hands.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He makes me laugh. He is hard working and respected by his superiors and his underlings at the same time. He is good in bed. Sorry if TMI but I do admire and like that. LOL


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

These are such great qualities--thanks for sharing!

I should have mentioned that my husband also has a great and offbeat sense of humor. We are both incredibly goofy and not afraid of looking silly, which makes a typical day in our household pretty fun.

Jjsr, your last comment made me giggle. Apparently I am five. LOL.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He has a good heart.
He spends quality time with our boys
He is respectful to the elderly
He is willing to look deeply inward
He fought for us even when he was doing it alone's
He knows a lot about so many things, esp other countries....and math. I suck at math!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He is generous with his time and energy, and his love towards me and our sons. He has changed himself 180 degrees, looking inward and repairing the brokenness that brought me here. He is amazingly curious at age 63 (how did that happen?) endlessly optimistic, always humming or singing, and willing to try almost anything.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3669 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
phoenix2015
Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

He is well respected at work and has provided for us for 24 years.....we have never needed for anything.
He loves and cares for his girls.
He can turn anything into a sexual innuendo

I hope to add so much more in the future.

Yet again, another perfect way to head to sleep....positive thinking


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
RollrCoasterRydr
New Member
Member # 42595
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I love that my husband refers to my daughter from a prior relationship as "our" daughter.
I love that my husband doesn't tolerate it when my son raises his voice to me.
I love that my husband will almost always come to find me when he comes home from work

I tend to love things that my husband does... rather than a quality about him. I think it's because they are things that he does sometimes... they aren't part of his normal habits... but they do happen more frequently when our relationship is in a good place.
I love it when he:
opens my car door
asks me how my day went
makes my son do his chores
offers to help
does dishes after cooking dinner (he tends to use a lot of dishes)


Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I admire the way he is willing to look deeply within and acknowledge his weaknesses and work on them.

I admire the way he has thrown himself into R and all that it entails.

I admire his work ethic.

I admire his butt...... oooooh he has the cutest butt! I've been admiring that particular feature since I was 11 years old

I love his sense of humour. This man can make me laugh over the silliest things


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1023 | Registered: Oct 2012
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

WH is thoughful, kind and generous.

He is an incredibly hard worker.

His smile melts me.

He was been willing to work realy hard through some really painful stuff to figure out why he made the decision to cheat,he's owning his behavior 100%, and working really hard to be sure I see the changes he feels in himself.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

his effort to really change his mindset from "what she doesn't know wont hurt her" to " it DOES hurt her, think before you act". He has changed many of his bad habits, which is very hard work.

his patience with my many "breakdowns"...he always holds me, does what he can to comfort me, accepts that he caused this pain, owns it, shows true remorse, and sometimes even cries with me.

oh, yeah...(insert girly giggle here) and what jjsr said!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I like that he knows how things work. His brain is wired so differently from mine that it used to bug me but I have grown to understand and appreciate our differences so much more than our similarities. He simply can figure anything out, it's totally amazing.

He is very, very funny. Bad, rotten, funny.

He can be so deeply sweet and thoughtful.

He will totally placate and validate all my crazy ideas; house stuff, decorating, yard ideas. He will play along and make happen everything I see in my mind. He totally up and built me a bench I saw on Pinterest - but of course made improvements on the design, because again, he can figure anything out.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

by Rebreather....
but I have grown to understand and appreciate our differences so much more than our similarities

I think this is really impt. and strive for this 100% (as opposed to wherever I am at now....70..ish?)

I also wanted to add that I admired how my H told my parents about the A and then apologized to them as they were used in the process. I know he was scared. I also know I would not want his mom to know if the tables had been reversed. I often wonder if I would have had the wherewitall to do that.

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:59 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

He is so smart. He knows so many things that I would never think about knowing.

His strength. He shoulders so many burdens willingly.

His work ethic. He is well liked by those above him, his peers and his staff.

He is fun, adventurous, and happy to be silly when the situation calls for it.

His determination.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
WhiteCarrera
Member
Member # 29126
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I agree so much with BtraydWife. The things that I used to admire so much just don't seem to matter any more. I used to admire so many things. I was so proud of her and of all the things she'd done, but it's just not that way anymore.

And when it comes to Valentines' Day or our anniversary, buying a card is the hardest thing ever. I can look at every card in the store, and none are right. Nothing makes me feel like more of a fake myself, than when I try to buy a romantic card when I just don't have those feelings anymore.


If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen.
Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband A46
her - wife A42
Married 17 years
D-Day August 2, 2009
3 kids 11, 13, and 15


Posts: 276 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Midwest
joannie
Member
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

His smile, is kindness to all, is family commitment, is arms around me.
His care when I was sick.
i hope to add his faithfulness and commitment to us with more conviction as time goes by..altough I am beginning to see it


me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

He is not judgmental, even when he has every right to be
he is sensitive
he loves nature
He is a huge animal lover
he is a wonderful father
he is an incredibly hard worker

One of the things I admire about him post Affair is his bravery; He has fought against being vulnerable to emotions for his entire life and opposed to therapy, but since the affair he has jumped head first into the process of facing this issue and opening himself up to feeling, sharing his own and hearing other's emotions as well.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 645 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

His creativity and intelligence.
His ability to make and realize goals for himself.
His relationship with our daughter.
His sense of humour.
His love for his family.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1678 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

This was actually my ic homework that I have not done yet so here it goes. I love his sense of humor, his creativity, his attention to details now, his intelligence, and his ability to have a conversation with anyone.
Before the A I would've listed confidence, but I have learned that that is one thing he didn't and doesnt have unfortunately.
:(

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

His brilliant mind, his sense of humor (most of the time), and his smile.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Shayna71
Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I admire the way he has been willing to do things to heal this relationship that are not his cup of tea; IC, MC, reading book after book about affairs, expressing his negative emotions, and having the courage to admit to some personal issues he has help on to our entire marriage.

I appreciate that when I fall into one of the "bad" places(and it happens fairly often) he finds the strength and patience to pull me out.

I love that I can count on him to make good decisions for us and our family. I have learned that while I do NOT trust him in some ways, I do in others. I trust his judgement wrt our kids, our home, and our finances. We make almost all our decisions together, but if we didn't, I could trust him to do a good job.


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 25