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Just Found Out
User Topic: what do I do?
Broken821
New Member
Member # 42635
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

Hello everyone. This is my long story.. I have been in a relationship since 1998. I was only 18. He was my first everything. He was outgoing, friendly, fun and charismatic. Fast forward to March of 2009 when I got a call from one of his friends who mind you I would go to her house for get togethers. I was in my first semester of nursing school. She picked me up from my house and told me she has been with him (my boyfriend) for 2 years. I just sat in her car n felt numb. Its a feeling that I can't explain. I almost dropped out of nursing school. I had 2 kids with him. My daughter was 9 and my son 2. My kids knew her but I thought she was just a friend. We talked, went to 2 counseling sessions together. I though it was over between them. Fast forward.. I would facebook stalk her. I saw she was pregnant and I was thrilled she moved on. November of 2012 I looked at her facebook again. She had a son and what made me feel sick was that he looked just like my daughter when she was that age. I dont know what made me call her. I did... All I said is I have one question.. is that his son... she said yes. I broke down she told me to come to her house and I did. She showed me all the texts
The pictures of him cutting the baby's cord. The pictures of the all 3 of them where all over the house. I again took him back. We fight about her all the time because I know he still is not telling me the truth. About a 2 months ago I kicked him out. He said we are not happy and I know that. He keeps playing his lying games and I just have had enough. He comes over here after I tell him to leave me alone then we have sex. Im so stupid and disappointed in myself. I have lost 30 pounds in the last year. I just want to not feel the rage when I think of him going back to her. The thought makes me so angry, anxious, sad, and hurt. I am a loyal person always am always will be till the end. I just want to walk away and let him do or go back and it not worry me one bit. U hhh any advise?? I know what I have to do why is it so hard?

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
Christy516
Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I am too new to all of this to offer any advice. Just wanted to say my heart breaks for you and you are in the right place. Someone will come along shortly who can be of more help. But just know you aren't alone.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 113 | Registered: Feb 2014
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I'm sorry! (((((((((((Broken))))))))))))))

It's hard because you're lovely.

You know you are doing the right thing but it hurts so very much.
Moving on from this point means that you can start healing; staying in a crazy relationship with a useless, pathetic, broken , lying POS is NOT what your life is about.

The sex thing is easy to explain. You want him to prove that he loves and cares for you (he doesn't) and sex is an intimate and loving act (for you). You must stop doing this to yourself though because you are being used and the reality is you know that and it makes you feel worse.
Go to the Dr's and get tested for every STD/STI on the planet. This will reassure you for your future and help you see the truth of your present.

You are worth so much more than this. Forget who he used to be, he is not that person any longer. His actions have made him unlovable.

Liars lie, cheaters cheat. It stops when you say it stops.

You are a loyal and faithful and honest person, none of those words are synonymous with doormat.

Welcome to SI, the club nobody wants to join.

You can do this, be strong. We've got your back.

Kia kaha
xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

I'm sorry hon. It's not easy to do what you know must be done. The heart lags behind the mind often.

It might help to start looking inward. Why have you accepted his lack of commitment for so long? Do you not believe you deserve more? Try checking out the posts at www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. Work on examining your boundaries and how they have been eroded. You deserve to demand so much more for yourself than you've been settling for. I get it--I've been there. But the important thing is not to go back to that pattern, for your own health and happiness. Don't be disappointed in yourself or beat yourself up because you are only human and you have to forgive yourself for your weaknesses...but also you can learn to understand those weaknesses and that will protect you in the future.

Lastly, and I know this hurts, but you can't stop him from being with this other woman. As much as it pains you, it's better to try not to think it if, because after all you can't change it and so are only tormenting yourself. There are great posts on detaching in the healing library in the yellow box on the upper left hand corner of this screen--see faq for BS, the 180'rules.

You're still young. You clearly had the strength to go back to school. You can build a new life from here. It will hurt so much at first but start looking forward. What do you want for you and your kids? What makes you happy? What hobbies or skills or leisure activities do you want to pursue? You can focus on you now and that is so much better than putting your energy into someone who can't love you back.

[This message edited by norabird at 8:46 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 2nd (Sunday)

This is not your fault. You did not deserve this. However...

No offense but if you were a male friend i would smack you and tell you: "what the hell are you doing?"

I truly feel sorry for you, but sometimes in life you need to hear some harsh words.

1) You have been given a shit hand. You cannot change this. You cannot turn back time.
2) Time to start standing up for yourself.
3) This woman is not your friend. Stop engaging with her.
4) Go to a lawyer and file for divorce. You deserve better.
5) Get checked for STDs. Stop having sex with him.
6) Expose the OW to her family and friends.



Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

File for child support NOW. The first filer gets the biggest piece of the pie. If the OW files first, SHE will get the money that should go to your children.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8814 | Registered: Jan 2008
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Broken, you've known he's a lying cheater for how many years now?

He's a snake. He'll always BE a snake. Stop picking up the snake and getting bitten.

Please seek out therapy to get to a better place.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

File for child support NOW. The first filer gets the biggest piece of the pie. If the OW files first, SHE will get the money that should go to your children.

aMEN!

Do not tell him that you are doing this, just do it.


Posts: 6570 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Broken821
New Member
Member # 42635
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Thanks... I really don't have anyone to talk to about what I am going threw. I am a private person and maybe to ashamed to even talk to my family or friends about this situation. I would just hold my emotions in front of friends and family pretending everything was ok. No one knows the hurt I have inside. Just a matter of picking up the pieces now.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Hey ((((((broken))))))

Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today.

Please reach out to your friends and family they will be devastated to learn that you have been enduring all this by yourself.
Imagine for a moment that your daughter was going through this...you'd want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be ok, right?

Let your family do that for you x

Keep facing the light, kia kaha

[This message edited by Truly at 6:13 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Broken,

Your WH is a lying piece of scum. He doesn't deserve you. He will continue to do this (lie and cheat behind your back) until you stand up for yourself. He is disrespecting you.

It will be difficult for you to insist upon no-contact (NC) since he has a child with OW. However I would suggest that you first take a deep breath and decide if you want to have a third person in your marriage for the rest of your life. If not then go to your lawyer and file for D. Your life is too short to live like this.

If you want to try and R then there are several steps you need to take to wake him up out of the fog. Briefly they are 1) Gather evidence 2) Expose 3) Confront and 4) File D papers. You can file the D papers as a threat, and always withdraw them later. Waywards sometimes snap out of their fog once they see how much their lives will be impacted.

Stop contacting the OW. Will only cause you more pain. Stay strong for your kids. Your H is a piece of SHYT. Go find a better man to take care of you.

......................Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Broken821
New Member
Member # 42635
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I know that our relationship is not going to work out. To much damage has been done. I am 33 an RN and can take care of myself and my kids with my income. Just hard to just let go of what I wanted for so long. Just need to get past the anger, hurt and betrayal that has taken my happiness for a years now. Knowing in my gut that things just dont add up. I was young and naive. I gave him the best years of my life. Just knowing he can do what he has done makes me sick. I never married him cause I knew a piece of paper does not make anyone loyal. I am glad at least I listened to my gut about that. I let a lot go on and turned my head scared I would find out something I didn't want to know. I know I deserve the same thing I gave him for years. Just feel like pain is controlling me. Anything makes me cry. I just want to move past the feelings and be happy....

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I think you're well on your way to a better life for you and your kids. I'm sorry you hurt. Stay strong and listen to all the great advice here. It truly eases your burden to stare.


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2014
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

He is a douchebag.

You know it.

It hurts....but you will survive...

And child support is going to eat his ass....and make your non emotional recovery easier


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 767 | Registered: Jun 2011
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

You did not give him the best years of your life. The best years are yet to come.

You must tap into your inner strength and prepare to power through the next challenging months. You can do this.

You have two precious children and a profession that will always provide.

Look in the mirror and see the bad-ass woman that you are.

Read and post and know that we all have your back.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 503 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Anything makes me cry. I just want to move past the feelings and be happy....

Dear Broken,
Love your own tears.
Taste them, since anything from now on moves you through your own fears. Cry on sister. Let it rain, let the salty taste of them cause them to dry.

Because they were there to remind you who you once were, the pain of change...
that change is
hard and real and open and crying salt tears.
Make it through this you willDam,
did I just channel yoda?


Posts: 6570 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Broken821
New Member
Member # 42635
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Why is he here? I woke up to him hugging me. I asked how did you get in my house? This is what he does every time I stop talking to him. I have not answered or text him since Sunday. He knows I am pulling away. He feels it. This is the longest I have gone without trying to get in contact with him.Might not seem long for most but a lifetime for me. I told him I won't and will not continue on like this. Let me let you go. I want to move on. He can't keep doing this to me. It's just hurting me in the end. When I needed him he was not there and that's the sad truth. I told him you need to go. That's when tears started to fall down my face. I really tried and said you are not going to cry. Just saying to him you need to leave was hard for me but I have given him to much. Just a bad start to my day. Thanks for listening. ...

Posts: 7 | Registered: Mar 2014
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

That's great you can support yourself. Now FILE for child support and save it for their college funds. The children are his responsibility. And change the locks in the house. Clearly the guy has no respect for you and what YOU need.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8814 | Registered: Jan 2008
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

^^^ What she said ^^^

we need a "Listen to this person" button


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 767 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 19