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User Topic: crazy fantasy world from wayward spouse
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

-- edit --
Sorry for unclear title/content. I am the betrayed husband, my wife had the affair, and I am relating some things I found out that I don't understand.
-- end edit --

So my wayward spouse has been cheating, both emotionally and physically, with a man whom she knew is married with children. She had been acting strangely, and after a mutual friend suggested that something was wrong I began suspecting. In retrospect I should have seen what was right in front of me, but I guess I just couldn't believe it. I found that she had lied about an important meeting out of town on two occasions, leaving me with our children to go have a weekend-long physical affair with the same person.

I confronted her after I found out, and told her that if she wanted our marriage to work, she had to quit all communication and go to marriage counseling / therapy. She agreed. We started therapy. But it wasn't very long until she started communicating with this person again.

The second time I found out, I filed for divorce, assuming it was over. She begged me not to go through with it, that we could still save the marriage. I loved her then, and I still do now despite everything, so I had the divorce complaint withdrawn in the hopes that we really could fix things, both for ourselves and for our children.

She has continued to communicate with this out of state person, and each time I catch her and we confront she agrees to stop and just changes the means of communication, up to and including a secret cellphone and multiple email accounts and various chat applications.

I discovered that she had been creating some kind of crazy fantasy world with this guy. She had multiple email accounts, some of which were imaginary relatives, and she had a series of invented characters in her 'life' that she would tell this guy about and even communicate to him with. For instance she had a crazy imaginary x boyfriend that was stalking her and assaulting her. She had him believing that she was single, never married and with no kids. I contacted the other man and gave him enough information that should have been enough to convince him that he was being lied to. As part of our recovery/therapy at that point we both agreed to no further contact, again. Of course she was lying about that.

She continued and she had convinced this other person that she was pregnant despite protection (that was fun to read about) and they deliberated what to do about it, which coincided with my insistence that she get checked for STDs. At some point she convinced the other person that her imaginary stalker x was blackmailing her into not talking to him during the period I would discover the communication and she would change her method. There are lots of things where she takes her real life and alters it in the fantasy thing she has created with him. A half dozen of the invented people were a strange amalgam of people we know in real life, and then had some fantastical additional aspects added. There were fake siblings, fake friends, fake activities, fake encounters with various other people. What really bothered me was a darker conversation I had just recently discovered where they both talked about this imaginary stalker x being killed or taken care of once and for all. It scared me, so I took steps to ensure that this other man knew it was all a lie, and he finally believed he'd been lied to about all kinds of crazy things and called it off with her. Now she's finally in that uncomfortable mourning phase over the end of her affair, and maybe just maybe we can begin to work on whatever is left of our marriage.

So a big question I have is, while I expect wayward spouses to lie, both to their betrayed spouses and to the other person in order to conceal and continue the affair, how typical is it for the wayward spouse to create elaborate fantasy worlds with invented people and situations in order to manipulate others? What am I dealing with here?

[This message edited by idontknowwhy5 at 10:09 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:02 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

You have a PM.

Edited to add: Mass confusion there...sorry!! Welcome to SI

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:10 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197011 | Registered: May 2002
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Welcome to SI. So sorry that you find yourself needing to be here.

Reading what you wrote about her fantasy world sounds very elaborate. Have you talked to your therapist about this fantasy world. The degree of detail and effort makes me wonder if it is a fantasy world in her mind. This might be a sign of deeper issues which is why I would let the therapist know and use their expertise to help.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 10:11 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51809 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

You said it...Crazy.

If she is that sick as to not only cheat but make up a fantasy life...Do you really want to stick around for all of that.

How about your life, what do you want from your marriage, can you trust her enough to fulfill your needs in your marriage to her?? Did you really sign up for all of this weirdness?

Being a side piece of ass for another man is horrible in its own right but adding all of that delusion and strange fantasy might be the death knell for your union with her.

Now that you know, how can you un-know that your WW is a fornicating cray cray?

RUN Forrest...RUN!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, March 3rd (Monday)


I don't recall hearing about a WS making up so much. Many times they tell the OM that they aren't married but that's about it. WOW

Her OM must be a bit of his block as well if you've revealed the extent of her lies and he still came back for more.

Do you think it could be some elaborate role playing and they are both aware it's all made up stuff? Who knows how much of the stuff you read about him is true as well?

imaginary stalker x being killed or taken care of once and for all

Holy Cow! I'd watch your back! I'm not exaggerating. You were cast in the role of stalker. That's scary serious shit!

Can you get her in for a psyche evaluation where you can give the Dr print outs of these emails?

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope someone can offer some real help for your situation.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1300 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Goodness. My ex lied to women about being single, lied to me about being in IC and not seeing the OW, but this type of elaborate construction points to a whole other mystifying level of brokenness.

Gently, you say you are the one who exposed the A and caused it to end and that your WW is mourning that loss....so why do you also believe that now she can work on your M, or that she is even capable of that? Why are you still invested in the idea that you can save this terribly flawed relationship?

I know that when we love someone we become pretty blinded, so I understand how hard it is to let go. But you really need to try and step back and get some objectivity. Your WW doesn't seem remorseful and hasn't taken any reassuring actions that would imply she has changed or is going into IC to figure out why she behaved this way. Yet you are still entrusting her with responsibility for your emotional well-being.

It is time you start trying to distance yourself as I think neither you nor I nor your WW really knows what exactly you are dealing with in all of her lies. But it certainly isn't something that's going to prove safe for you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I've just mentioned the fantasy world to the therapist, but we haven't really discussed it yet. Maybe next week. We were under the belief that the affair had ended and were working on other things, emotional communication etc.


Well, I still love her, and we have children. If it's possible to save the marriage I would prefer to save it. I did sign up for better or for worse, and this sure as heck is worse. If it turns out that her actions are the result of some kind of medical condition then I feel I at least owe it to our family to attempt to find out if it's treatable. If it's not some medical condition or she refuses treatment or treatment is ultimately ineffective and this behavior continues then I'm sure where that leaves us, I guess I am kind of holding those thoughts in abeyance.

I'll never un-know, and trust will be a long slow journey to a destination that may never arrive. Trite but true, there will likely always be a lingering ache regardless of how our relationship ends up.

I guess I felt that we could never begin to work on repairing until the affair itself ended, and she had just refused to end it. I didn't know about a lot of the fantasy world until recently. We've agreed to both couples and now individual counseling, so I'll see how that goes.

She's still angry that I denied her agency, by insisting she delete the extra accounts, get rid of the secret cellphone etc, but I'm not feeling bad about that. I would have preferred she did it on her own, but I can't knowingly allow it to go on.

I guess there are certain levels of existence I am prepared to accept, ceding my own needs or desires in the interest of my children's well-being. This is assuming of course that their interests are best served by staying together, that may not turn out to be the case. But a continuing additional future affair are certainly not acceptable.

-- edit --
Remorse. No I don't get the feeling that she's remorseful, I was hoping that's something that would come after the A was finally ended...

[This message edited by idontknowwhy5 at 10:53 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I certainly honor your desire to be true to your vows and I know for my own part I felt I had to try first--I couldn't just sever the ties. And I was not even married and didn't have kids so I can only imagine how much stronger that feeling must be for you.

But the anger at you for denying her 'agency' (um, whereas she could deny you the truth and that was fine?) is very worrying. She is not conforming to the script you hoped you would see once the A ended. At some point, you may have to throw that script out and accept that the belief in her ability to R is your own fantasy.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Whoa. That is a lot of fantasy! Most affairs are fantasies, and perhaps she kind of got un-moored and lost sight of reality? I don't know - is she normally prone to kind of elaborate, fanciful thinking? Or is she sort of normally down-to-earth, and this is a real departure?

She seemed to think she was playing a character, and could just kind of make it up as she went along. It is easy to do that online, and it sounds like she got carried away. Not knowing how old you are, whether you have children, and whether she has a history of kind of taking leave of her senses, it is hard to judge. It could be anything from immaturity and self-centeredness to pathology, honestly. I'd run it all by your therapist -- and keep posting.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Man, that was a jaw-dropping WOW!

What really bothered me was a darker conversation I had just recently discovered where they both talked about this imaginary stalker x being killed or taken care of once and for all. It scared me, so I took steps to ensure that this other man knew it was all a lie, and he finally believed he'd been lied to about all kinds of crazy things and called it off with her.

I hope you also took the opportunity and explained to the OM that this kind of conversation can be taken to the police. Conversations pertaining to premeditated murder is serious shit. I understand having to "watch your back", but also the police can as well.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 430 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

I am sorry that this is all happening to you; I am wondering if it is possible that there is a diagnosable condition occurring with you wife due to the elaborate nature of the fantasy that has so many facets to it that are not based in reality whatsoever. I know that concept may be scary, but if this is the case and she were evaluated and properly diagnosed, the correct therapy and or medication may be extremely helpful, as well as potentially a requirement for healing to begin. Just a thought….
Hang in there; we are all here for you . I hope you continue to seek out support as this unfolds. there are so many members with TREMENDOUS wisdom here, and great compassion. (((idontknowwhy5)))


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 3rd (Monday)

Her ability to R certainly is my fantasy, question is will it ever be my reality. I don't have a roadmap for this situation, I don't know what at this point is too far outside of reasonable.

I discovered the really disturbing content about 20ish days after it was communicated. I contacted the OM and made sure it was clear this was a crazy fantasy world, both to end the A for good and to make sure there could be no cases of mistaken identity, ie I wanted to make absolutely sure that there was no chance of a threat, and at the moment I do not feel threatened.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I thought it was over, she was crying hysterically about it being over. I just found out that she's still communicating with the OM. And the communications are full of crazy things. I don't understand it, it's like she's two different people.


I think we're done.


Marriage counselor has recommended specifically against contacting OM's wife, which seems to run counter to what a lot of online resources suggest doing.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Please let the OBS know what her WH has been up to with your WW.

Please. It is the humane thing to do.

Also exposing their 'luuuurrrrvvvee' to the glare of light and truth will kill the fantasy fun of their nasty antics.

...it's like she's two different people.
I think we're done.

I think your right.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Marriage counselor has recommended specifically against contacting OM''s wife
First I want to say that I agree with the MC''s recommendation. Yes...contact the OM"s wife. Second I am to finally see this kind of advice from an MC. And I mean shocked in a good way. The OM''s wife has a right to know what is going on in her life.

I also agree that it appears to be done as far as your M.
Your WW is not remorseful and will not end the A.
There really is no way to continue in the M under those circumstances.

My own xww did not want D but would not acknowledge her behavior much less own it.
Your WW not wanting to lose you is more about not wanting the consequences of her actions.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I don't want to make you feel paranoid, idontknowwhy5, but I have heard of this elaborate kind of fantasy world made by cheating spouses. I have heard of it often on the Discovery ID channel. Most of the time it ends in murder or attempted murder.

Your WW doesn't feel remorseful at all. She is an expert liar, cheater and actress. I feel at this point, you do need to file for divorce.That you are indeed, done. I am so sorry.(((idkw5)))

What is the reasoning of the MC for not telling the betrayed wife of the MM your WW is having sex and a relationship with? I believe it is best if the other BS knew what is going on. If she had known first, would you like to have been informed? Most would answer "yes" to that question.

eta: I am confused by your post, Brandon.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:34 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Why would the marriage counselor be against telling the OM's wife?

You need another counselor.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 451 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
nestlee
Member
Member # 39871
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I think the OM wife has every right to know what is going on. You should Contact her Immediately and let her know.


A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Please tell the other BW. She NEEDS to know.

I went through this with an ex. He was a cop, and his stories were so beyond crazy. He had me believing them in the beginning, but after a while, you just start questioning everything. I had two counselors tell me they were the biggest set of lies and manipulation they'd ever heard. The counselor who had the chance to meet with him also, told me to get out of the house. I also met with a Lt. at the sheriffs office, and he told me to get out, to be very afraid.

The point I'm making is... you can't help her. This isn't normal and a counselor needs to step in. All you can do is protect yourself. If this is something that can be fixed on her end, let her do that on her end. You need to move forward with the truth, and you won't be getting that from her.

Take care of yourself....


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Jun 2013
JaneDeaux
Member
Member # 42630
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Even if she could explain the fantasy world, could you ever trust her? Seems to me she needs intensive therapy before you even talk R.


We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

This is seriously disturbing. Please know that this is not normal and she really needs help. I, too, am concerned for your safety.

Until she gets a LOT of help and completely deals with whatever is going on in her head, I really strongly believe you shouldn't even be considering R with this woman. And this is from someone who is very pro-R.

This is scary stuff. I truly believe you need some distance from this, so you can see it from a new perspective.

I am so very sorry for your pain. Infidelity is soul-shattering enough. Having these kind of personality issues come to light in your spouse adds a whole new dimension.

I hope you can both get some IC to help you both through this....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

idontknowwhy5,

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As if dealing with infidelity was not enough. This sounds alarming.

If you were a friend or family member, this is what I would advise:

1. See a lawyer - get custody of the kids, if you have them (did you read the recent news story of the woman who set her car on fire with her kids inside because she was afraid of losing her OM?). Separate your finances ASAP - at least take half of your joint account and move it to a private account. Take her off credit cards. If she is going through some bipolar episode or psychosis, she could do a lot of financial damage before this is over.

2. Get her a psych evaluation. Call your doctor or a local psych organization and see what you need to do to set this up, and under what conditions she can be made to go if she refuses. I don't know where the borderline for various psychiatric conditions lies, but better to rule out treatable conditions - her behavior may be a cry for help if she is really losing touch with reality.

3. Save all documentation in a safe place. If these are e-mails or text messages, get them to your lawyer, and the bit about knocking off the imaginary stalker, give to the police, along with the name of the OM. Perhaps this will burst his bubble. And yes, tell the OM's wife. If these two are fantasizing about murdering inconvenient people, she is next on the list.

4. Get some IC for yourself. You need support. It is hard to keep your world right-side-up and know what the right thing to do is when you are involved with distorted thinkers.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I think you need to be concerned for your safety. I would go to the police and tell them about the fantasy world, the stalker conversations, and how you think you might be viewed as this stalker who has to be stopped or killed. You don't know what kind of crazy the OM is. He has talked about possibly murdering stalker. He has been told this is a fantasy creation by her and he is still in contact!

You need people to be watching your back. Tell people. Also....I would be afraid to leave my kids with someone who is in a fantasy world. I would be concerned for their safety and for their possible abduction. IDK this kind of stuff breeds paranoia but .......this is beyond worrisome.

/\/I wrote the above before seeing all responses.....so others agree with me. And yes, I did not think of it, but the OS might be in danger too.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tom67
Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

To have a chance of ending this crazy crap get in contact with his wife asap.
But would you want her back.

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)


I am so very sorry that you've had to find us here. Sending ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

(Echoing Lyonesse)

It does sound as if your wife's mind has fractured; separated from reality. There are a number of reasons for this which only a professional will be able to help her with.
Your wife needs intensive IC after psychiatric evaluation today.

There is little point in going to MC at the moment. You need IC to help you with the aftermath of this trauma and to receive coping strategies that mean you can assist your wife in recovering from/living with mental illness/personality disorder.

I love that you love her. That must be so painful, to love someone who is so lost.

Protect yourself and the children; allow the OM's BS to protect herself and her children too. This situation will only be ameliorated by honesty.

Focus on getting your wife help, serious help.
Fixing the marriage can wait, fix the brokenness first.

Eat well, drink water, exercise, smile with your children.
You are a good person, you did not cause this, you do not own this.

Sending you the strength of ages

Kia kaha
xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Tom67
Member
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

You may want to carry a voice activated recorder with you so she doesn't file a false DV charge and get you kicked out of the house your kids need you.

Posts: 169 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
crazytalk
New Member
Member # 42668
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

My IC also recommended against contacting the OWH... her rationale was that if WH and I were trying to sever contact with the OW, it would be best to not be pulled into her family drama.

In this instance, though? I don't know if I'd make the same call... your wife isn't the woman you married, and I'm sorry. I hope she's able to get the help she needs, and quickly, but at this point your reconciliation is probably a bit of a fantasy, or something to be revisited in the very distant future. Hugs.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: midwest
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

You may want to carry a voice activated recorder with you so she doesn't file a false DV charge and get you kicked out of the house your kids need you.

That's, sadly, a pretty good idea...


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 3:44 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

In the "getting rid of the stalker" emails was she planing anything? Was the stalker you? Was she comunicating this with the OM? or just with her alter egos?

I would be realy scared about this. I would also let people (police, therapists, doctors) know about this. Your wife needs a Deep psych evaluation. An francly you need to leave her. You don't know what she is capable of doing to you or your Children. Have her put in hospital!


Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Wow....just, wow.

Sorry that you are here under these circumstances, friend. Betrayal alone is brutal enough, but the potential for mental illness on top of this?

I also echo Lyonesse. And tom67. And TOMTEFAR.

You have to protect yourself and your children first. Even if you want to attempt to help your wife, you have to use the oxygen mask in the depressurized airplane theory--put the mask on YOURSELF first, then help the others.

I think that you should revisit the first post on this thread:

The second time I found out, I filed for divorce, assuming it was over. She begged me not to go through with it, that we could still save the marriage. I loved her then, and I still do now despite everything, so I had the divorce complaint withdrawn in the hopes that we really could fix things, both for ourselves and for our children.

I would definitely get the divorce back in the works. You can always reconcile up to...or after...the divorce is final. You stopped the proceedings due to nothing more than lip service from your wife. This time, you will look much more closely at her actions.

I understand the "in sickness and in health"...I really do. But that contract was broken by your wife....repeatedly. Her "sickness" is totally self-serving, and destructive to the ones around her. Again, if you want to help her, that is fine, but do it with you and your children at a VERY safe distance. Your top priority right now should be extricating you and your children from this situation.

So sorry that you have to experience this. I know that there must be immense guilt if you are thinking of leaving. But we are talking about survival...emotional, and possibly physical.

You can't underestimate crazy.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

This fantasy world seems borderline delusional to me. Get her to a psychiatrist ASAP, she may have a serious mental disorder.

I agree with the previous posters. You need to expose this affair to the light of day so that it will die. The key is the OM's wife. Expose high and wide.

Set your boundaries for her in the future: no electronics, buy her an old cell phone that doesn't take SMS messages, she turns over all passwords to you, setup a key logger to keep track of her.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

She had been creating some kind of crazy fantasy world with this guy. She had multiple email accounts, some of which were imaginary relatives, and she had a series of invented characters in her 'life.' ….
There are lots of things where she takes her real life and alters it in the fantasy thing she has created with him. A half dozen of the invented people were a strange amalgam of people we know in real life, and then had some fantastical additional aspects added. There were fake siblings, fake friends, fake activities, fake encounters with various other people. What really bothered me was a darker conversation I had just recently discovered where they both talked about this imaginary stalker x being killed or taken care of once and for all.

You need to discern what "cardboard cutout" role she has assigned you in her head. Are you the villain/bad guy? (In HER delusional mind; in reality her A is all on her!) Are you the reason she had the A? (A real conundrum: How do you prove a "negative"?)

Without a doubt, she needs a psych evaluation and a treatment plan.

For someone who has fallen so far down the rabbit hole, I wouldn't be prepared as a layperson to deal with her multiple issues.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

So many responses, wow. I am getting information from IC/MC/legal about how to proceed. I can't just file and hope or something. If there is a psychological issue as there appears to be, then I need to see how I can protect myself and kids. Certain kinds of psychological problem may cause her to react very poorly to the reality of the marriage dying shattering her fantasy world.


I am still in a state of disbelief, it is utterly surreal that home life can be normal-ish and this has been going on too. I'm starting to realize that she may have painted me into am emotional corner as well.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
MCGar
New Member
Member # 20928
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

The worst part is the fantasy of 'getting rid of' the stalker.
Even if this is just her imaginary world, the real danger is that someone might be convinced that you are this stalker. Your life is then in danger if it isn't already.
Don't sit on this.
Take action for the well-being of your children.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Sep 2008
Jacobswife
New Member
Member # 42534
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

So my WH also had a fantasy life with his OW. She didn't know of me or our kids. He would make up details about people he told her he would spend time with. All the people he talked to her about are real people in our lives just not real events. The difference in our situation is, my WS ended the affair as soon as I learned of it.

Your WW sounds like she is looking for a way out, and I would let her go. she sounds unstable and you need to protect your children. I know,easier said then done. Good luck and be safe!


Me:46
WH:42
Married: 13 years, Together: 15 years
Kids: daughter 12, son 9
Dday: January 10, 2014
Trying to reconcile!

Posts: 25 | Registered: Feb 2014
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I am getting information from IC/MC/legal about how to proceed.

Good!

I'm starting to realize that she may have painted me into am emotional corner as well.

Do you mean that you feel you need to protect her, because she is your wife and may be unwell? I get that, and that is fine, but ONLY if you put your kids’ protection first, and then yourself. You are going to be the one stable person here, so you absolutely need to take care of yourself and protect yourself (financially, voice-activated recorder, support system) even if – especially if – you are used to putting yourself last. Think of it as ensuring you are there for the kids, if you need a reason. She may never be a well person again, and she absolutely can cause a lot more damage before this is over.
On the other hand, she may just be an incredibly selfish and cruel person, in which case all the more reason to protect yourself and your children. I wouldn’t keep harping on this except I have seen so many unbelievable stories on here, in which the BS thought, Oh surely my spouse would never hurt us like that…

I am still in a state of disbelief, it is utterly surreal that home life can be normal-ish and this has been going on too.

You are still in shock, and right now that is your friend. I was in a weird zone for about two weeks when I was hyper-focused on all the stuff I needed to get done (hide documents, change locks, see lawyer) – it protected me from falling apart. Get as much taken care of as far as legal, medical, financial matters now. As soon as the pressure is off, it is normal to fall apart. Have your IC lined up so you have someone to call when you need them. And we are always here, too. Also – sorry, but – don’t forget to get STD testing.

You are doing great. I am sure it doesn’t feel like it, but you really are doing a good job of holding it together under (as you said) surreal conditions.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Just an update, the shocked stage is over now.

After again pledging no contact and seeming good progress in MC I found more contact yet again with the OM of a very sexual nature, not that that really matters as any contact was verboten.

I am having a really hard time with the idea of 50/50 parenting time, which I understand from my lawyers is the likely result, but I am pretty much resigned that D is necessary...

I have a very favorable prenup, which is maybe even why she put up such a show for saving the marriage 6 months ago...


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 19th (Monday)


IDKW5...

WATCH YOUR BACK!

I know you think "that'll never happen to me". I'm "too fast, too good looking and so on to get hurt". My nephew is clawing his way out of a coma as we speak. His Ex put him there and she just might get off scot free.

My nephews Ex is a master manipulator in the tiniest prettiest little package you've ever seen. She is a monster, prone to fits of rage and she almost killed him and damaged his life forever.

PLEASE BE SAFE.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, May 19th (Monday)

Like everyone else has said this is messed up stuff.
I would notify the authorities and then ask them to contact the other BS.
If you aren't kicking her out or leavin with the children to protect them then you need to load her up and take her to the nearest emergency room with concerns that she is a threat to herself or others. Take the emails along. As proof. This may get her a mandatory 72 hour hold and a full eval. Also start treatment of she has had a true break.
If not then it gives you proof of how unpredictable she is and how unsafe it is for your kids.

Keep reading keep posting.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
What?  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 19th (Monday)

Dear Standing

So so sorry for your situation.

What am I dealing with here?

By no means am I a psychologist/psychiatrist but there seems to be many levels of deep seeded "issues" here.

I agree with the others. She truly needs extensive therapy. Many WS live in fantasy land but this is quite the extreme.

Is your WW at all responsive to the idea of IC?

Consult an attorney to know your rights and how best to protect yourself.

Many hugs and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Damaged, wow that's terrible!


She's in IC, though I bet there's lots of smoke blowing going on there.


Both my IC and lawyers seem to think it's nutty but haven't expressed any of the concern that you all are, I'm not sure why. They have expressed the need to secure finances and valuables in the house, and that's been done.



DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Oh my, what a monstrous situation. I am so very sorry.

I, also, would be very concerned about safety issues. Your wife sounds seriously disordered, and there is really nothing you can do about that other than to try to get custody of those children in order to protect them from growing up with a very very ill mother. Please seek out the VERY best attorney in your area that advocates for the rights of men. Save every scrap of info/evidence you have, and like someone else said, carry a VAR with you to record any interactions with her that may turn ugly. You can find some VAR's online that look like pens that you can just keep in your pocket at all times.

You may also want to seek out the advice of the men down in the 'I Can Relate' forum for men only.

My heart breaks for all of you, especially your children. And although I know the infidelity has broken your heart, I think infidelity is the least of your problems now.

Stay strong,

Peace,
PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7027 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Damaged - One thing I neglected to state in my previous post is this.

As a medical professional, I can say that I know for a fact that many therapists are trained as Social Workers, or have psych degrees, but lack the ability to really work with someone who has had a true psychotic break, which it appears she has had. She is either not giving her IC the full truth, or the IC is so unable to manage this they don't even know it.

I firmly believe loading her up and taking her to the nearest emergency room for a full fledged psych eval is necessary. This is NOT normal stuff. This isn't just fantasy play for an A. This is truly f'd up break from reality, set up my spouse for a 48 hours mystery episode, or cause him pain and hurt beyond measure.

Please please please protect your children, and yourself now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

IDKW5 welcome to the crappiest club filled with some of the best people you'll ever 'meet'

On reading your situation I really feel for you.

Sorry, to me...

The worst part is the fantasy of 'getting rid of' the stalker.
Even if this is just her imaginary world, the real danger is that someone might be convinced that you are this stalker. Your life is then in danger if it isn't already.
Don't sit on this.
Take action for the well-being of your children.

WW is painting you as the stalker

and this

I have a very favorable prenup,

Could be seen as her motive.

I hope not, even the thought of that is horrific.

Take care.

(edit:typos)

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 7:36 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

does she believe these fantasies? Because if she does this sounds like classic schizophrenia to me. if she doesn't then it sounds like she's a pathological liar. in both cases, you need to be very careful. i think you need to have a specialist do a complete evaluation.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 536 | Registered: Mar 2013
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I had confronted her a while ago and she says they were lies told to the other man.


She's very very manipulative apparently. Looking back at our past there has been a ton of gaslighting.


I don't know if I had mentioned it already, but I discovered an alleged locked psych unit stay in her past. She was released then as not a harm to herself or others, but with personality disorders.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Yah.....given that bit of info I would pack her ass up and take her to hospital pronto. An IC may not be able to see through this crap, but a good Nurse, and ER Dr will catch on quickly.

A psych eval and stay will not look good if she attempts to gain custody either.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

100% agree with Tush nurse
IC is to be at a more leisurely pace when you have questions and you and your WW can wait for the scheduled appointments to address them..
This situation is a wee bit more urgent than that..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Nov 2011
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Mike 7 asked: "Does she believe these fantasies? Because if she does this sounds like classic schizophrenia to me. if she doesn't then it sounds like she's a pathological liar. in both cases, you need to be very careful."

I was honestly beginning to think "pathological liar" because she TOLD you she made this stuff up, but then, you mentioned a previous lock-up and release with a diagnosis of "personality disorder".

Is it possible to be both? A pathological liar with a personality disorder?

You mentioned the pre-nup. That was a red flag. Face it - all of our WS's are liars. And they all live in messed-up fantasy worlds while they are in their "A's". They tell elaborate lies to cover up their whereabouts; they set up other credit card accounts, e-mail accounts, etc. When they are with their AP's in public, they pretend that they are married to each other. Your wife has without a doubt taken it to an extreme. But I worry that her lawyer is going to use some kind of an insanity defense to make sure you end up giving her what I don't think she deserves.

Sorry. It is one thing to make up a fantasy world complete with characters and events. But the fact is that she really did have an affair! That was no fantasy. Yes, she went to insane extremes to play it out, but, like I said, she just took what our WS's did to some sick, sick level. I don't know. I just don't trust her and don't want to see you get screwed...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 276 | Registered: May 2014
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

She's not schizophrenic. Schizophrenics are not organized enough to be able to keep up with such an elaborate ruse. She sounds like a classic case of borderline personality disorder. Nearly impossible to treat. RUN for your life.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7027 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I had just recently discovered where they both talked about this imaginary stalker x being killed or taken care of once and for all. It scared me, so I took steps to ensure that this other man knew it was all a lie, and he finally believed he'd been lied to about all kinds of crazy things and called it off with her.
So, who do you think she intended to use as a "stand in" when they decided to make this a reality? OM has probably been convinced that it's YOU who's off their rocker- a very dangerous stalker ex who:
was blackmailing her into not talking to him during the period

They're talking about you. You need to protect yourself.


Posts: 11558 | Registered: Mar 2008
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

She sounds like a classic case of borderline personality disorder. Nearly impossible to treat. RUN for your life.


Funny you should say that, I hadn't mentioned that here. That's one of the diagnosis I was told came out of the most recent locked unit stay...


If you were to spend casual time with her you'd have no idea that anything unusual lies beneath the surface, buy after reading about the dx in the DSM I can see a lot of the 9 types of symptoms required for the dx in her, and there's allegations of childhood abuse that is typically associated with the dx. I'm no psychologist though, I certainly can't diagnosis anybody...


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

That's one of the diagnosis I was told came out of the most recent locked unit stay...

Ok, that's seriously scary. BPD? Most recent (indicating more than one) stay?

Brother, I was married to one also. Get her involuntarily committed for an eval.

You are NOT safe in your current circumstances.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2673 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I found out about 2 total, both many years ago and years apart. Apparently there are a couple years where nobody (including her family) knows what she was doing. What she had claimed turned out to be a lie and that led to the most recent locked unit stay. Of course I find all this out after 4.5 years of marriage. It's been a strange rollercoaster.

Edit:
She told me a story about what she was doing, and asked that I never repeat it, but it's not like I can accept any of that as fact at this point. I thought it was odd because while perhaps mildly embarrassing a job's a job.

[This message edited by idontknowwhy5 at 10:02 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

((idontknowwhy5)) hope you and your children are keeping safe. Very concerned about how you are doing.

Do you think the OM believes you that she is lying about things? or his he helping her keep the fantasy alive.

Wondering how stable he is.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Idontknowwhy - Why are you not acting. You are filling us in on history, and past, but based on the information you seriously need to take action.

I know it sucks, and it's scary, but I also have seen people this messed up do things to harm both themselves, and their families. These are the people that lock their kids in the car, and drive them into a lake, these are the people that hurt themselves, and then make false claims against their spouses. There is no limit to the level of crazy they will pull. If you can imagine it, it could happen.

What will NOT happen is that she magically ends all this, and life goes back to normal because you were Mr Nice Guy. Time to protect yourself, and your kids.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

I've given all this info and more to both my lawyers and to my IC and MC, and they don't seem to be terribly concerned for whatever reason. I have expressed the concern that she may act out after I file, but given the lack of any prior physical abuse there aren't apparently any other options...

I expect to be filing shortly, it takes a long time to get all the documentation together. I'm waiting to hear back from my lawyers about finalizing the filing which should be any day now.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Yah, well, they are limited about what they can do and say, I would be sure to have the phone out and 91 dialed when they serve her, cause that might just be the moment the high speed come apart happens.

If she goes quiet, take the kids away for a few days, in the ruse of camping trip, or a getaway.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

I'm going to have to ask my team wth is taking so long... I feel like an a$$ carrying out the charade that we're reconciling, but I can't let on about impending filing until she's served.

MC insists we express how we appreciate each other's actions and how they make us feel loved. Um, you didn't give me an std, so that's something? You haven't fled the state with my kids?

I want to hurry up and get this filing done, so then I can sit back and deal with the next year or so of court battles.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 59