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New Beginnings
User Topic: Unfinished business
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I never got my say. And that bothers me.

When we were going through false R and then in-house separation, I kept everything to myself because I didnít want to reveal my source and lose my access to new data.

When he moved out and the divorce process continuedÖ.and draggedÖ.and continuedÖ.and dragged, I didnít say anything because Ė well, I kept telling myself I was saving the information in case things went to court but the real reason is Ė I was afraid. Of him.

Now, Iím living my life. Iím free. But I have this nagging annoyance that is just hanging around. And itís stinking up the place. I bag it up like the garbage it is and try to throw it out but it keeps sneaking back in and interrupting my otherwise peaceful life. It nags at me. It has been interrupting my sleep. It gnaws at me. And it is weighing me down, weighing down my new beginning.

I never got my say. I never got my day to say everything I felt, everything I found out, every lie I uncovered. And Iím debating taking that day, taking that moment. There are things I need to say (or write) to him. I need to pack up all the mental garbage and put it where it truly belongs Ė in his hands.

I donít care what he does with it. I really don't. Iím not looking for a response from him. I donít want to start any ongoing communication. Iím not expecting him to have an epiphany or change his lifestyle orÖanything. It doesn't matter what he does with it because itís not for him. But it needs to be to him.

I think of it almost like my version of a Victim Impact Statement.

Does anybody else feel like this?


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I think it's pretty common, honey.

Would it help you to have your say here? Write the letter/speech/statement and post it here?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24461 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I felt that way for a little while. Now, I don't care so much. I figure I got my say when I had him served. I found out so much more after that, but I wrote it all down in a list of Red flags that I should have left his ass for.
After writing it down, I felt better. Don't care anymore about having any say with him. He is dirty, he is despicable, and so is his whore. When I realize I am so much better than them and that talking to him would be like talking to a wall, I just don't feel the baggage anymore.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I thought about just posting it here NIK. But SI wasn't who I was afraid of. SI wasn't the reason I wrote my "in case I disappear" letters.

I think that there may be a part of me that needs to take that stand, that needs to plant my feet and square my shoulders and say:

I see you.
I know who and what you are.
I won't ever let fear stop me again.



Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Thanks StillLivin. I hate the thought of breaking NC because NC is my friend. But this unfinished business is just....lingering.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Not sure if the feeling you get if you break NC and tell him will be what you are looking for.

I vote for continued NC.....


Posts: 292 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I don't know your story, but if you were to the point of writing "in case I disappear" letters, I think this is one bear you don't want to poke.

There's a difference between "I won't ever let fear stop me again." and saying "Neener, neener, neener" to a bully.

I got out most of my pent-up stuff to my IC and my journal. And SI.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5121 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

Oh honey! If you truly were afraid of him....please listen to your gut and stay NC. Poking that bear just might bring his craziness back into your life, and not in a good way.

NC, NC, NC!!!

The very best way to have the "final say" with a total asshole is to ignore them. For life.

Write it down, post it here......keep it in a journal....read it to a therapist.....whatever you need to do. But please don't break NC with an abusive asshole. You went through hell to get away from him - now enforce it!


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

But please don't break NC with an abusive asshole. You went through hell to get away from him

I know it can feel unsatisfying to not have the real frank talk after you were holding so much in for so long. But if you communicate with him it opens a door that you don't want open.

I vote for doing what I did once with a few girlfriends: putting on a play in your living room and invite your stuffies to be the audience, and other ones to take the part of the players in your old drama including your X. You write the script and you get to say your piece. I found this very satisfying.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone. I know that NC is probably the way to go. It's just frustrating to still be quiet, to still feel like I HAVE TO be quiet - almost like he is still controlling the agenda. I think that's why it bugs me so much.

But, I also know that if I were entirely sure that breaking NC was the way to go, I would have done it already and simply posted the results here. The fact that I felt the need to run it past my SI family first....well, that tells me a lot.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

The great thing is you really don't have to be silent anymore. But you don't have to necessarily voice it to him. By you finally seeing who he really is, he gave you a new voice. For evermore you will look at the next person who tries to lure you into abuse and use that voice to scream "Don't even try it pal!"

Posts: 290 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

You can also reframe the way you think about that silence. Its not that he is forcing you to be quiet -- it is that you are CHOOSING not to let him into your world. That is a huge difference, and I hope you can see and feel it in yourself.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Just realize that saying that to him and trying to make him understand would be like trying to teach an elephant to drive a car. If he were capable of understanding, he wouldn't have cheated.

If you were to break NC, you wouldn't be able to reach him with what you'd say -- you'd just be reinforcing things in his mind, like:

1. You still want him
2. You are batshit crazy
3. He's so amazing!
4. Ego kibbles!!!

It's so hard, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are not dealing with a normal, empathetic person.

Saying nothing is what really will let him know that you've seen through him.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3271 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 13