User Topic: pain still raw one year later
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

though it has calmed quite a bit and R is going very very well, as is my own recovery...I still will have occasional strikes of is hard isn't have such conflicting feelings about some unexpected, hurtful event which brought about something much better...what an odd, confusing feelings at times.

As for the pain, I still get knocked upside the head with it and my heart actually physically hurts.... I try not to go there, but at those times it still strikes me with what has happened and what is forever part of my life and our marriage...then I realize perspective is everything and I can make it mean to my life and ours by how I wish to view it...brain and feelings don't always match...still processing it all...

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:02 PM, March 3rd (Monday)]

Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, March 3rd (Monday)

I am so sorry. You have even heard. I know people say to not make a decision for a year or more, but I think it is individual to each person as to what you can deal with.

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 3rd (Monday)


I'm a year out from first DDay, a month out from such huge TT that it amounted to a second DDay.

I know exactly what you mean about your heart physically hurting. It's worse than any heartache I've ever had. It's a terribly deep, physical pain. So sorry for your pain.

Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Yup, 18 months out and I still have times when the pain of it all causes a physical ache in my heart. I see progress though, as the months go by, those moments of such intense pain come further apart. I hope that indicates that healing is happening. I think all of us somehow imagined that we'd heal a lot quicker. I don't know about you, but I felt that if I was 100% certain I wanted R, then I could somehow "will" the healing to happen and it would happen really quickly. Doesn't work like that though, does it?!

such conflicting feelings about some unexpected, hurtful event which brought about something much better..

^^ so true!

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I'm a year out from Dday too... I know the pain you are feeling...


I still cry nearly on a daily basis.....

DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

14 months out for me. I agree with ItsaClimb...I thought I could just decide to heal fast...haha. This is taking so much longer and is so much harder than I thought at first.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

For a noob with only 3 months, this presents me with a psych dilemma. Should I read these threads/observations, and risk implanting some kind of goofy self-fulfilling prophesy?

No doubt a topic much debated around here over time.

At the stage of one year, do you think examining more cognitive behaviour exercises might be useful now, even though it might not have been before? Things like re-directing thoughts, imagining a stop sign when you drift toward thoughts of the affair?
I've heard them all, but really only have made half-hearted attempts. Hopefully, some day I'll have the energy to work on that type of thing.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 7