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Reconciliation
User Topic: Hold Me Tight - book
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My H read this book on a recent trip, and (boldly) said that it may be the only book that we needed. It made quite an impression on him.

The premise is that we as adults want to be attached to each other, but that we live in culture that generally thinks we are supposed to be super-independent and take care of all of our own needs. I know my H and I acted that way, and slowly over the years got more and more disconnected, which tilled the ground for the affair. Most conflict the author sees as cries for connection.

The author maintains it is a primal need to share a bond with another person.

Wondering if anyone had any experience with the book, or thoughts on attachment theory in adults?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I haven't read it yet, but our MC just recommended it to us yesterday. Glad to hear of your H's reaction to it. I'm looking forward to reading it.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My IC loaned it to us and we decided to read it together. Unfortunately whenever H reads to me I feel so cozy and safe that I fall asleep so we haven't gotten far. But we will! I love the premise and it speaks to me. I'm glad MR. BG found it helpful. Will you read it too?


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 944 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I have not read this book, but it is on my Wishlist for the Kindle. There are 2 publications with this title by the same author, but different secondary titles and pub dates. Curious if they are the same or different. Which one did your H read?


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Yes Morhurt, that is the idea - I have read part of it, but will read it all and we'll talk about it.

Silentscream - it is by Sue Johnson. She has a new book out too. . . same idea.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I read this book and found it very thought-provoking.

My H was unable to attach due to his CSA/FOO and that was a large part of what lead him to his A. The one piece that could potentially have overcome the "perfect storm" was if he felt well-attached to me, IMO. Also, I suspect on some level he was searching for something to ease the pain of not feeling attached, although he did not allow himself to feel attached to OW either (thankfully).

He is so much happier now that he has felt safe to go there, and I can feel such a difference in our interactions. Of course there is no way for me to tell if he is as attached as is possible for him, but it is a profound change.

We are taught not to "need" others. OTOH, I do feel that I am complete in and of myself, and think that it is healthy. I "need" attachment with other people, but not in a desperate way from one person only; that could set me up for settling for less than I deserve. My H, however, has needed to learn that it is okay to trust and rely on another person, having learned the exact opposite as a child. His learning that "needing" another person and feeling vulnerable does not have to mean setting yourself up for betrayal has been huge.

On a side note, during my last IC session my C was commenting on how she felt that without the CSA there likely would have been no A and then she added that, in her experience, most As have nothing to do with the M and stem from something in the WSs past. I found that refreshing since some people report here that their MCs are all about "fixing" the M rather than focusing on the A and the way the WS got there.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My H, however, has needed to learn that it is okay to trust and rely on another person, having learned the exact opposite as a child. His learning that "needing" another person and feeling vulnerable does not have to mean setting yourself up for betrayal has been huge.

Wow. This is me. My WH is actually overly attached to me. He said he felt as though I didn't "love" him anymore, etc. I am not saying I caused him to have an A, but he has massive codependency issues (which makes sense since he is an alcoholic-newly sober), where as I do not get attached.

I may need to move this book up my list. His betrayal has made it almost impossible for me to move forward with him due to my attachment issues. Almost. There is always still hope.


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
Topic Posts: 7