Just Found Out
User Topic: Marathon session with MC
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Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Friday was dday , and today we had a day long session. We both have to be alone tonight and I have to make a decision tomorrow if I want to try or just cut ties. I am very torn, I have a 6 year old to think about. She had a emotional affair online with him and one night time with him. I know all the details of the physical because I seen the text messages about it. It sickens me, and I wonder how I can look at her with intimacy. I need advice, especially ones that know details about the affair. Please help.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Why is there a deadline? It seems like a lot to ask to have you make this huge decision with so little time! I don't think it's at all fair to you.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

You don't have to make any major decisions right now. Take you time to digest all of this, gather your thoughts, try to calm your emotions and just take time to think. Do you think this is a dealbreaker or can you consider R if she owns her stuff and does the work to fix herself.

It will take time (I know we all hate hearing that), but it is true. We are here to support you.
No matter what happens, you will survive and get through this (no getting over it).

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I guess the deadline is to know if I want to at least make an effort or it's a lost cause. As far as the deal breaker it's tough. I never had so much love for one person and The images of what I read won't go away. To see her happy with someone else sexually just floors me.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Crosby, you know, you can simply make a decision each day, that you won''t divorce today. Just one day at a time until you feel that you are able to make that ultimate decision. Frankly, it''s totally unfair to you, to have the burden of HAVING to make a hard and fast decision before you''re ready to. As long as she is willing to fight for the marriage, then there''s no reason that you should be pressured to make up your mind until you feel that you''re able to.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 5069 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Who set the deadline? You or the MC? I knew when I found out I would seriously have to think things over. Then I found SI and the wealth of advice here. If you haven't checked it out yet, Look at everything in the Healing Library in the upper left. Whether you decide one way or the other, tons of helpful information there.

I just advise to really think it over. However long that takes. It also helps to have a partner that wants to work through it with you. So look at her reactions to what is going on as well.

It is a lot to process, and as many point out throughout the site, it never goes away completely whether you stay or leave, but you do eventually feel better.

Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 136 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

MC made the deadline for me. It's not a matter of if it's all or nothing tomorrow, if I still can't make a decision it means I need more information or move forward. I think tomorrow is more about if I know it's the end and no point trying. I love this woman and see it in her eyes that she is truely sorry and will do anything to fix herself and marriage. I believe it all comes down to is I may know too much about the A. And it's something I can't get away from right now.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I am two months out from original DDay and the only decision I have made is not to make a decision. We haven't separated but I have way too much to process to make any fast decisions. I have detached a lot from WH, he works away most of the time, but I still don't know if it's a deal breaker for me, plus he needs to show me why I should give him another chance. I need to see some real remorse, not just words.

So sorry you are going through any of this.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)


Man, I know it's hard with the wound so fresh. But don't let rushed timeframes for lifelong decisions be dictated by third parties (they're arbitrary). Don't let the trauma of your mind-movies limit your choices (they will fade.)

You say you love your wife deeply, and I have no reason to doubt you. Forgiveness of adultery is a test of the true depth of your love.

Do you love her enough to endure the wounds she gave you for her own sake? For the sake of your child?

If she is truly contrite, truly broken by her past decisions, fully honest about her past sins against you-- and she is desperate for your forgiveness, then this time-- in which you feel so weak and worthless-- is a time where you can prove your true strength.

Because forgiveness takes heroic strength from you. And then it takes a lot of work from her. Reconciliation is a collaborative process, and it hurts like hell for a long time. But it can work. And your marriage can be saved and even strengthened over time, if you both fully commit to it.

John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I came from a broken home, I know the pain of growing up in that environment. I don't want to put my daughter through that. But should that be the only reason I stay? And yes I still love my WS deeply, I will always have love for her, but when do I know whether I should cut the cord or pull it closer?

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Your MC is SO far off the mark with the deadline, I am speechless.

Seriously, speechless.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8991 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 42664
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Take as much time as you need that MC is an idiot.
Tell her the marriage is on hold for now.

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)


If you haven't noticed, almost EVERY response on this thread is telling you that you don't have to make any immediate decisions. In fact, we usually urge that you DO NOT make any immediate decisions...unless you know through and through that you want out.

Your D-day was last Friday? I couldn't even stand up out of a chair at your timeline, yet alone make a life-changing decision.

This is where time is a double-edged sword. It is your best friend...and your worst enemy. But when you put a little distance between discovery and the present, things will become clearer. You can't bypass the pain, but these fresh, raw wounds will eventually start to scab over. The mind movies will slow down. You will start to feel a little like your old self---although that seems impossible at the moment. You just have to trust us on this one.

In the meantime, watch your wife's actions. Do not listen to her words. SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING TO HELP MAKE YOUR DECISION EASIER. All the while, continue to work on yourself. Consult with a lawyer. Take some time out for yourself. You need to get a little selfish here...for your own good.

It is all part of the process of dealing with infidelity.

PS---tell your MC to slow down. Just because they are a counselor, it doesn't mean that they are always correct. Like solus sto stated, your MC way off the mark on this one.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I have to agree with the others. Is your MC experience in infidelity? My concern would be that the next suggestion from the MC would be a rugsweep - to leave the past in the past and move forward working on the marriage... That will not work either!

The mind movies etc. the knowledge you have - takes some time to deal with. You are still in shock - you shouldn't be asked to make any decision right now. The fact that you even went to MC shows you are willing to try...right now, don't see how anyone could ask more of you at the moment.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4162 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Long Gone
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I was another that got to read text messages about the A.....
I really enjoyed the ones right after they did it in the front seat of his forerunner....not

Fucking asshats.......

it's hard.....really hard....I'm glad to a degree that I don't have photos and audio...

D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I am just torn, because I told her way up front, if there Was ever an affair that would be it. I feel as though I am going against my word. I am honestly ready end it, but my daughter just keeps entering my mind and feel like I need to try for her.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Crosby - pretty sure we all said up front that cheating was a dealbreaker, before babies and years invested...

If you think you'd like to try - maybe a better way to go is to set down your parameters: NC with OM, transparency on all modes of communication, MC, IC... whatever they are... and then decide - not to decide for 6 months - at that time you can reassess.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4162 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I understand your thinking of your daughter in this cannot, in the end, be the only motivator.

It is certainly enough to avoid pulling the plug just yet however, if there is hope you can salvage the M.

I remember telling my exWBF before I moved in that if he hurt me I would 'cut him out of my heart'. Well. Guess who tried to R. I'm not sorry either, really. As much as I worried about being stupid and weak for giving him a second chance (unfortunately wasted in my case), that is what was in my heart--a desire to forgive and grow.

We don't really understand beforehand what our reaction will be.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Please listen to all of the others who posted before me about giving yourself time. You have been offered some great advice.

One of the biggest mistakes I've made is listening to a MC after my first DDay back in 2004. Really listen to what this person is telling you and your WW. Ask yourself if it sounds fair? Does it sound as if the MC has both your and WW's best interests at heart? If you still have questions in your mind and no answer in the morning, then keep asking questions of your WW and the MC. Don't make a decision until it is clear in your head. My STBXWH always makes snap decisions and I can tell you from my experience that they usually end up crappy.

I hope this helps and that you are able to find the time, space, and clarity that you need.

"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Although i recommend to be proactive when dealt with betrayal, your MC is an idiot. Dump him/her immediately and get IC for yourself. You cannot get over this in a matter of days, hence the IC.

When/if both of you are committed to building a new marriage, then you go to MC. However for this the WS needs to be remorseful. No remorse = No MC.

Is she sorry for the damage she has caused, or is she just sorry she was caught (or not sorry at all?)

1) If you know the identity of the OM, expose him to his wife/girlfriend/family and notify them he has upset the life of an innocent child. Do not contact or engage with him. He is not worth it.
2) Get checked for STDs.
3) You need to make the decision for yourself. Do not hide behind your child (not that i am accusing you of this). In my opinion it is better for the child to grow up in two loving households than one toxic one where the parents do not get along.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I believe it all comes down to is I may know too much about the A. And it's something I can't get away from right now.

It looks that way right now. I get it. I can tell you that it does get better. Sadly the truth is it may haunt you for a little while.

Right now knowing too much about her A seems like a curse (and it is, don't misread me), but the alternative is that you don't know anything and your imagination put horrible images in your head. That sucks too.

I guess I am trying to say (and doing a horrible job of it) all you have to do tomorrow is to decide, not to decide. Working things out isn't a destination it is a path. You can leave that path whenever you want.

You can try. Not for you, not for your W, but for your Daughter. If I read your post right, she is worth the risk, right ?

I had D papers in the works, had found an apartment to move to, was shopping for furnishings, etc. When it came time to tell my daughter that Daddy was going to move out and that I was going to D her mother. Well, it broke me. I couldn't do it.

I took that as a sign I had to at least try. I still tear up now thinking about her and how she may have reacted. So many days after that I needed strength and I found it when I looked at her and how happy and smiley she was when I had planned on telling her.

With her in mind I found great resolve. She gave me a lot of hugs, "just because," but I found the strength I needed at the time there. Look there, I think you will find it.

I can also relate to family of origin and trying to not place that hell on my children.

The reasons can change later, but worry about later when later gets here. Day to day is probably all you can manage. That is OK. Trust me when I say this gets better. If you take nothing else from my post, just take that. No matter how your M ends up, this does get better.

Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
New Member
Member # 42655
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. It has been a rough 4 days so far. I still can't sleep or eat. I know there will be days when I just don't want to go forward and I know there are days when I see the love I have for her. To be put in this position is something I never ever expected or would want to put on anyone else.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Hi Crosby,

Sorry for your situation.

I have a couple of thoughts,for you.

1. Get to a doctor and get something to help you sleep. Sleep makes a big difference. It helps you think more clearly and make better decisions.

2. Yiou said this:

I love this woman and see it in her eyes that she is truely sorry

Gently here, but careful with the "eye reading". Something went waaaaaay wrong. It wasn't anything to do with you. ..all her. She needs to figure out what is wrong with her to make her choose such a horrible path.

3. I totally agree that you didn't need to decide anything right now. You make the timetables, my friend. You. No one else, including a MC.

4. There is nothing wrong with being a deal breaker. It may take you some time to validate that for yourself, so fine, take that time. In my situation, dude, listen, my wife, telling another man she loved him, sleeping with him.......oh hell no. (...and I had a 2 year old son and a five year old daughter in the equation). I now have primary custody of them,too. But, that's my situation. My XWW was not truly remorseful. It sounds like your wife MiGHT be. She'll show you that by her actions. But, remorse or not, you still have her feelings at large. For example, does she still love this person?

5. You were smart to find SI. It can be very valuable, because people here have lived infidelity and have (unfortunately) become experts -- maybe (probably) more expert than most MCs.

Be true to yourself, my friend. And take as much time as YOU need to figure out what that means for you.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 10:59 AM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 23