SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: So....anyones work find out about the affair?
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Not that this is a big deal to me....but in all likelyhood SOME people at work may have found out about my wifes affair.

Almost didn't post about it....as I am 20 months out now and am in a spot to view this as a nusance rather than an issue....KWIM?

Can't change our past. I have forgiven my wife. We are months into R. We both have residual pain over the affair....and have more pain over how we chose to "do marriage" as we did.

My wife has apologized to me, and I to her for the pain we caused each other....but don't have anything to apologize to anyone at work about this....so it is not an issue of "damage control". It really is between my wife and I.

Anyone had this happen? Results of it?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:19 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ncharge
Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)


Everybody at my WH's workplace knew there was something going on - WH and OW joked, teased, and flirted so much. They also knew when it ended because things were suddenly cold, angry, and uncomfortable. It is humiliating to walk in there and know that people know. There were no consequences.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Feb 2014
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My H told his co-owner, no details, just that he was unfaithful to me and needed to take time off to help me heal. For the most part I'm glad, sometimes I wish he had fessed to the part about 2 APs being customers and one being on a business trip. But I'm ok without that for now. He would do it if I asked him to, so I don't need to.

I'm a SAHM so no coworkers to find out. But I know everyone was very worried about me and I got many "checking in" type texts etc from other moms.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 890 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

The rumor mill in our little town chewed on my wifes affair a bit maybe 4-7 months ago.....was a splash in the pan as near as we can tell.

Honestly, some at work may have known longer than I suspect as the first year was really tough....pretty much did my job as best I could while licking my wounds.....not sure I was very observant to "office dynamics"....kind of a "drug year" for me, not really remember a whole lot about my job or working really. I am blessed to have really good teammembers and a job I was very comfortable at doing pre-A....kind of coasted a bit.

Thanks ncharge.

I was embarrassed at first...thinking I was less of a man because my wife choose to have sex with another. That was then and tied up in some really influencial, but subtly hidden FOO issues at the time.

My journey has shown what most "old timers" on SI already know.....my wifes affair was not about me, was not my choice, and therefore I can take no ownership in it...including embarassment.

I see you are a new member....welcome to SI! Thanks for chiming in.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:26 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Nicely done Mr. Morhurt.

It is encouraging when a WS decides to step up and tend to their mess. Morhurt, I know you kinda wished he would have done more but see in your posts that you have a full apprecation for the actions he HAS done and continues to do.

Thanks for contributing to this post.

You both continue to be on my specific SI prayer list.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:41 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

The OW's husband called me at work so everyone in my office knows.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3974 | Registered: Sep 2005
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Tearsoflove....how did it go? Any fall out?

If you answered as fully as you wanted to....just disregard my request....you owe me nothing.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I told my boss and was advised to tell upper management about my maritial issues. It did help. They cut me some slack on my hours (let me take time off for therapy) and didn't ask questions. Now 22 months later it is a non-issue. I have a new boss and have decided not to tell him as my work has been for for a while now.

WH told his boss about his affair. He was to go away for training and his boss was able to make excuses as to why he couldn't leave town. WH has a new boss now and has decided not to tell him, but said he would if it was needed.

I am glad we told people. We didn't tell everyone, just specific people who we felt needed to be aware.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 459 | Registered: Apr 2012
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I sat down with my boss and discussed it in relationship to how it might affect my work. I was very upset, of course, and that kind of distress doesn't go unnoticed. Another of my coworkers had been through her husband's affair previously so she understood. But, other than that, there's not much to tell. It was a personal matter that didn't have anything to do with the job other than the affect on me so I was given a little leeway as far as being upset goes but the office kept right on turning along with the world.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 3974 | Registered: Sep 2005
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I called my boss one weekend and told her. I think she must have been a BS at some point in her life. She put me in sick for the weekend I drove to NY to catch the A and told me to get to an IC and get a doctors note.

I had a ton of sick time stored and I used it.

They were wonderful.

A few people at my husband's work know about it.

I have zero shame. We have managed to create a marriage that is solid.

We never would have gotten here without going through the storm....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

People at my/XH's/AP's work likely suspected the affair. After D-day, I told some coworkers, including our supervisors (who probably spread it further). The bosses didn't care who was doing what with whom as long as our work got done.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Since my wife's A was with another employee, we both felt that we didn't want anyone to loose their jobs. So I/fWW/AP/OBS did NOT tell anyone at my wife's/AP place of business. My wife's old boss (at the same business) knows about the A, but not with who.

I told my boss a few details and he is supportive in me to do whatever I need to do.

I believe the OBS' place of employment might know something, since I called her at work in the middle of the day and told her about the A.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I am a WW and had an A with the father of one of the children in my class. After I confessed to his BW I told my director the truth, and later met with her and the pastor.

Some of my coworkers knew about the A as it was happening.

My director let me resign from my position rather than fire me.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 751 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

When I called to talk to a friend about the A, I asked her if her H knew xOw2. The H, xOw2 and MrH all,worked for the same company. MrH is at a different location. She replied that her H suspected MrH of having an A as he had seen him driving around with a woman in his car. MrH would pick xOw2 up and drive her to and from work. Somehow MrH actually believed nobody saw or suspected that daily interaction.

After a particularly bad round of TT, I called the work cell number I had for MrH. He was overseas. Some strange guy answered. Apparently overnight MrH had turned the phone in and gotten a better one. I asked the guy if he knew MrH, he said yes. I told him to tell that lying, cheating bastard if he wanted to come home again he better call his wife, ready to tell the truth. MrH said he walked into the office and everybody stopped talking. The guy told him to call home. MrH asked if that was the whole message and the guy said no. He refused to tell MrH the whole message. I told him when he asked. His response was no wonder the people acted like they did.

More recently I learned that MrH and xOw2 talked about admitting to the A when they had their regular background checks. There was no option so they admitted to the ongoing A. First her, then him. Apparently in the background check when he got hired, he told the investigator the truth about 1A being a PA. It was the early months after d-day and I want nearly a decade thinking it was "just" an EA. People at his work knew the truth before I did.

No repercussions. He told me early after d-day that if I outed him, his job was at risk because he was a contractor but hers was safe as she's staff. They already knew. Turns out As are accepted there like they were when he was a cop. Nature of the work. the most he had to face was gossip in the office overseas and he owned that as his fault for the A and TT.

My friend's H apparently did have to teach her in a class a couple of years later. He knew of her, she didn't know him. Apparently it felt awkward for him knowing some of what she had done with MrH.

Besides that, I'm pretty much the only one that's had to deal with any fall out for the A.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11005 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I offered to tell my boss but my husband said he'd be too embarrassed the next time he saw him.

We didn't tell hubbys' work. However, I did tell OW1's boss and that didn't go well for her. She threatened harrassment charges against me. Hubby also told my AP's new boss as a warning...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Since I called my friends at his work place and told them, and told them to spread it around please, on the day I kicked him out? Yup, pretty sure everyone knows. :)


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8793 | Registered: Jan 2008
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I'm a freelance type and I haven't told anyone at my current project. I've been there almost 2years and I' m sure they wondered why my eyes were so red some mornings. The work actually helped me get thru it as I was able to engross my mind in my project work. But my reliabilty and accuracy has held up so guess they figured I'm not doing any substance abuse. After dDay I had to call in sick 2 days... But given my contractor status I felt I would be let go if I wasn't able to stay focused so better they didn't know...

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:24 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 485 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

I work in a small office environment. I told a coworker my first day at work after I found out because she knew something major was wrong. About 20 minutes later my boss looked at me and said, "he's having an affair." Guess it was written all over my face.

It was fine for me. It was a time frame when I could not take any time off, but my boss found a way for me to sneak out for therapy and occasional tears in the stairwell.

No negative fallout.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

yeah, every 6th hour for 5 months i had a good cry in room 1 - the only room not being used in my building. I'm sure ppl knew something. That and I weighed what I did 7th grade and ppl were going to my boss asking him to do something. When they asked I said the empty nest was hitting us hard.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4537 | Registered: Dec 2010
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

Luckily for me, I work in what is essentially a two-person office and I am alone in the building about 80% of the time. My boss sits in a back office, when she it there and I sit in the front office.

I told her that we were having marital problems and essentially she gave me the freedom to go to therapy, be late when needed, etc., as long as I was able to get my job done. I didn''t tell her that it was an A, however I''m pretty sure that she knows. Pretty sure that our off-site system administrator knows too, since when he logs onto my computer SI is the most frequent internet site that I have open!

FWH''s work was so toxic that I know that he didn''t tell anyone. He no longer works there.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My WH is military and informed his command, but only those that needed to be informed. He chose to do this on his own. He also chose to tell them he had a problem with alcohol and self referred himself.

Regardless of what an idiot he can be at times through all this and his horrible choices, I will always give him credit for being honorable that time.


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

My H specifically told two people at work - a mutual friend of ours and his swamper (the person who spots him while loading and/or backing and ties down his loads). I'm sure several of the other guys know, but the men in his line of work are very accepting (even encouraging) of married men acting single. They obviously know something has changed now because he has some very strict boundaries and seldom participates in any after work activities (if he does, it's just group dinner and then he's back at the man camp or his hotel room).
I don't work. Initially, I told 2 people. Then, a 3rd from church (who actually approached me because I seemed 'off'). Later, my H and I made the decision to share with our bible study leader since he works with OW2 and she still spouts nonsense about me. Then I told my mother. Recently, I sat in front of my bible study class and told them all (while my H sat close by). Our town is small enough that in 18 months I'm sure the rumor mill had several of them suspecting something. Telling them was hard (I shared my full life testimony, not just about my H's A's), but it was also freeing. Now I don't have to wonder who knows what and what's being said. I know, they know and if there are doubts or questions, these folks know they can (and I know they would) approach me with them. I don't think there has been a single, long-term reaction from anyone we have told. But, until I knew they knew what needed to be known, I always wondered who was saying what when I was out of earshot. (This was NOT my motivation for sharing, but was definitely an added benefit of having it out in the open).

Posts: 1010 | Registered: Jan 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

In general, what people are interested in talking about in regards to other people says a lot about them. My guess is that it has all died down and they are on to the next thing. If anything they feel compassion and think your WS is an idiot.

In my case, OW's first reaction to finding out that I found out was "Why did you tell her? I am worried about my reputation." She wasn't concerned about the kids, or my WH's reputation or anything else but her own rep.

As far as what anyone thinks of ME? I don't give a crap bc I know for certain I have done nothing wrong. That is all on them! They made their bed…they can lie in it. Should have thought about that before!!!!

About a week or so after DD, my SAWH said to me, "_____ and I are very grateful that you haven't told anyone about it." WTF? That incensed me! One of my friends asked me why in the world am I protecting her. I think it was because I just wanted it all to go away and I think that if I broke the news, it would fan the flames. Also my husband indicated that OW had advocated on his behalf to his benefit financially in the company so she did not want her reputation damaged. In retrospect I wish I had spilled the beans. They don't work together directly…she works for a company in which he is involved. It's not like his investment paid off anyway. Maybe it will at some point. Who knows.

My husband has switched jobs in a sense in an effort to avoid her, and anyone who may know about it. Most of her friends are low life slutty bar working girls anyway or douchey guys so they will go away at some point. It's been almost a year, I am sure it's died down by now and really, people don't think about you NEARLY as much as you think they do. You really aren't that interesting (of course we posters at SI think you are fabulous and very interesting).


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, March 4th (Tuesday)

my WH is a minister. He had 2 affairs - one with a congregant and the other with a colleague. His affairs were carried out in work time - in his office and in his car. Unknown to me there was some concerns about his interactions with the congregant and the church investigated but found no evidence. Both he and she denied any improper interactions. He resigned about 10 months later telling me he had depression and burnout. The affair continued whilst I worked to support our family and he had continued the affair. The church never told me of their concerns and both OW organised his leaving do.

When he started accepted the call to the new church I still didn't know. I found out soon after. The PA was over but the EA was still ongoing. When I found out I didn't know what to do as I didn't know if there was a process. Instead I made him tell the senior elders of the new church anticipating they would change their mind however they were very naive and sweet taking the "go and sin no more" approach. There was TT for the next 10 months - I think that is over.

At my work I hold a position of responsibility that demands total focus. As I was worried I'd make a potentially tragic mistake I told a few people I trusted to keep an eye on me and tell me if they thought my judgement was questionable. When he broke no contact I asked him to leave and he decided to hang himself. I had to leave work acutely to go to the hospital he was admitted to. I needed time off so i told my boss and by that stage the rumour mill in my department filled most people in.

Over the last 20 months it has got around to about 95% of my colleagues. I have just found out from another colleague who is married to another pastor that there is a proper process that we should have gone through. So now we are investigating that route. No one at our old church knows and only the 2 elders at our new.



BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 711 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Topic Posts: 24