User Topic: Conflicted about reading & posting on SI behind WS's back
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Im conflicted right now about participating here. Reading the stories of others and posting some of my own troubles has helped me find sanity in this mess so far. I'm am, however, conflicted about doing so behind my WS's back. Should I tell her that I've been reading and talking on here? I feel a little bit like I'm cheating, having these conversations and reading these stories on here. I feel like I should include her so that she knows I'm reaching for anything that will help me understand what has happened.

What are your thoughts on sharing this site with your wayward partner?

Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

My husband knows I am here, but has never been interested in the site, which is fine with me.

Are you trying to R? Is she getting IC ?

Are you comfortable with her reading your feelings or will you have to alter yourself?

I would not feel guilty. She brought this on and you need the support you do what makes you feel safest.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

We are trying to R, but it's been rocky thus far. We are about to begin MC and honestly I have nothing to hide from her on here, just as I've had nothing to hide from her in life. I would actually like her to know how I feel but I don't know how she would react to knowing I'm sharing things with strangers on here. Frankly there's a part of me that doesn't care... She cheated on me and slept with other men. All I'm doing here is reaching desperately for strings of hope that this isn't all a lost cause.

Very confused.

[This message edited by Erasmus at 7:14 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Let's compare what you are sharing now vs what she shared with other men...

hmmm, I think I would feel quite comfortable knowing you are well witin your rights here.

If you think she would benefit and you want her here, then share.

If you feel threatened but still want to share keep your user-name to yourself.

You need to proactively heal you. Hopefully she will get it and start doing her share.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:17 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

My FWH knows that I participate in a site dedicated to those dealing with infidelity. He's never asked specifics.

From time to time, I might mention something from here. He realizes it's an important outlet for me and has never questioned my participation. If anything, I sense he's glad that I found a place where I'm able to talk about it anonymously.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I felt like SI was an important tool to help my wayward "get it". He read a good bit but was not a poster. I felt that to withhold SI would be holding back helping to save the marriage. We ended up divorced and now I regret him knowing the site and my ID.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Speaking from my own experience with my WH and SI, I have always been open about it ever since I found SI. He has made one or two ignorant comments about SI, blaming it for my questioning him and thinking that it is distorting my view of things. All this, without ever really exploring SI for himself. Since then, I have asked him to read certain posts that I think he would benefit from. I've also, just recently, had him read an entire thread that I started. I didn't tell him that it was me but after a few minutes of reading it he asked, "did you write this?" DUH!!!! I've always viewed SI as a toolfor the two of us to use. I've even left it open on his iphone to make it really, really easy for him to access it. Still, he has shown no interest in it to me.

In the end, it is a personal choice. If you really feel that you are doing something behind her back and are uncomfortable with it, tell her. You could simply say that you have been reading and sharing on an infidelity website and it's been helping you to heal. Period. She should not have any issues with it and if she does, deal with it then. You could still tell her that she is not welcome to the party. After all, you weren't invited to all of her parties either. Just saying.

BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person

Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

If she is a deeply,saintly, repentant Magdalene, negotiate as you need.If she is the usual all to human betrayer,do what you need here.This is about YOUR healing; would you tell her everything a doctor did?

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Some waywards have used the site against their betrayed spouses when things didn't work so I would tread very, very carefully.

Posting here anonymously, any marriage "secrets" will never be identifiable to anyone unless you reveal them, and the answers here are tailored to your needs which can be so incredibly helpful.

If she finds it because she is trying to help you heal & is seeking resources, rejoice. Otherwise, you can't unring a bell; be absolutely positive you want to share this invaluable resource with someone you truly can't trust right now.

Don't feel guilty.

It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't share this place so close to dday.

I see this place the same as IC. You wouldn't feel the need to explain to her everything you told your therapist would you?

I think it would be fine to say you found an online support group. A remorseful WS wouldn't have an issue with that.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 2029 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I have never told wh about this site. If he has checked my internet history, it is there. When his affair was exposed I did ask him to find some sites for HIM to read regarding healing a marriage, being a real man, etc. Unless he is hiding this site, he's never been here according to his internet history.

I feel no guilt what-so-ever about reading and posting here. I figure his affair pretty much cancels any opinion he might have about me being on this site.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I'm conflicted about telling WH about this site... I want him to know about this outlet that I have recently discovered, and how it's helping me...

I'm actually not even sure what is stopping me from telling him.....


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

my ex does not know I'm on here. (not a secret - it just hasnt come up}

This isnt about him... its about me. my needs. What I need to help me through and find some clarity and direction in my situation.

This site is anonymous.... so unless one of my friends jump on one would know anyone else anyway.

post away!

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Member # 42622
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Thank you all so much for the feedback and personal experiences with this question!

I don't think I'm ready to share the site by name but I do believe I will tell her I found an online support group that I've been reading and posting to anonymously while we work to get ourselves into both MC & IC. If she wants to participate on SI, I welcome it. If she does not, I can also understand and accept that.

Me: BS
Her: WS
Together 4 years
DDay: 2/24/14

Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Mine hasnt a clue im on here either sometimes I feel the same as you but then think I am doing nothing has helped me immensely sort out my feelings and I view it as positive personal therapy it lets me vent...its MY little secret and a far less damaging one than his little secrets he kept from me. I bask in knowing I have something all to this site says its my safe place. Also if he knew he would be grateful this site has saved him from me so many times helping me to rethink, refocus on my feelings, not feel so all alone, gain insight, and organize my thoughts before acting rashly

"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 7th (Friday)

in taking steps to live an authentic life there is no way I could keep this from him. If you are conflicted then maybe what you're doing is not jiving with your values?

He knows I post here. It is not for him. I have told him about the BS Men's forum as where could he get this kind of support IRL? He doesn't want to be triggered so that's why he puts what happened on a shelf and gets it out when it roars or when we are in MC. This makes me sad but it's his life a his choice how to live it.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5345 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I'm an adult and certainly didn't need his 'permission' or his 'approval' to read or participate here.

Just as he didn't ask for my permission to be a cheating asshat.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 7th (Friday)

My personal take on this is if your spouse cares and gets angry or upset they aren't really in R and don't get it. If they do get it they will be supportive and understand that this place provides support sanity and a safe place to share this shitstorm in your life that you would prefer my to share with friends.

I posted here shortly after DDay and found it helpful. I did NOT tell H initially. It was my turn to protect myself. When real R started and he was truly remorseful I told him about this place. He read a bit but wanted me to have a safe place to share talk and find and give support. He knows I still visit an post and teases me that I try to provide wisdom from our experience. He is welcome to read and join.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Faithful w/Love
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I first felt that way, like I was doing something wrong or like I was going to get accused of something bad.
But the more I read and had light bulb moments of clarity on something that was happening with WH, I didn't feel bad anymore. It was actually a saving grace to have people who didn't even know me have my back, understood my pain and feelings. Who could help me realize that the A was not about me or the OW it was about him.
I finally shared it with him but he didn't want nothing to do with it but never asked me to leave SI which I thought was a "WOW".
I am glad that there is place like this, because you need support as this is no easy journey alone.

BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"

Posts: 2807 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 19