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User Topic: OW delivered by baby
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I wish i had found this site when i first found out it would of been so helpful in those first few weeks

I don't really know where to start
Maybe from before the affair

In Oct/Nov/Dec 2012 my partner (who happens to be a functioning alcoholic) went through a stint of binge drinking, partly because of a large amount of significant birthdays, wedding festivities (not ours) and general spring /christmas functions.
During this time there was a friend of his that was around a lot and he was obviously flirting and engaging with this woman. I was feeling jealous , I was still breast feeding our 2nd child and didn't drink or go out much and also finances were very tight .
At that time I accused WH that something was going on (this happened in mid DEC) which he denied but it may have been just that he didn't realize that that was what he was doing.)

But from that point things between us got better , he was drinking less.
Then while on our summer holiday I accidentally got pregnant again with child number 3 , I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with the unplanned pregnancy and I was much more affected by this pregnancy compared to my 2 boys. (tired and emotional)
Finances were very tight , I was supposed to start work again when child number 2 was 1 , but that didn't really happen till much later in the year.
So we were both stressed and my WH started drinking a lot again , i became depressed and disillusioned with him and started questioning him about his ability to look after the kids - to drunk to drive - and of course i didn't want to have sex with him as I was pregnant and he stunk of alcohol.
I started working freelance and this was stressful on top of being tired and pregnant.

And so this is where the OW comes in

We had close family friends, a couple who we had been friends with for about 7 or 8 years , she is a mid wife and for my second child I ask her to be my mid wife (it is frowned apron to have a friend or family member as your midwife , but i thought that was for medical reasons if some thing went wrong etc )

So for my 3rd child i asked her to again to deliver my baby.
Every thing seem fine between us , she would come for friday drinks , watching rugby with her husband, and her husband was at our house often playing records with my WH.

But in about June/july when I was 5/6 months pregnant she bumped into my WH at the Hardware store and they ended up going to a local park for a beer (this info come my WH)
and they stared making out - apparently not planned and WH says he didn't even think of it until it happened .

So they met up 3 times (?) making out in the park and then on a friday in August (8/8/14) he went to her house to take her to a garden center to get plants for her garden - and apparently when he went inside she was just out of the shower and only in a towel - so they have sex , go to the garden centre buy plants my WH goes off to another job and OW comes round to see me for friday catch up (vomit)
I all ready knew something was up , I don't know why but I felt very unsettled.
So OW is at my house and later my WH turns up and he stinks of perfume and is drunker that normal , I am acting funny as i can't figure out whats wrong and why I'm feeling upset OW heads home to see her kids, WH and I have a mini fight and he goes out with OW and her husband to see a band - I spend the night trying to figure out if the OW is my friend or if the OW is the girl from before:(

So I knew something was wrong , i convinced my self it wasn't my BF/midwife , but now that i was aware there were little signs all over the place - texting each other (when they didn't use to )
So according to WH things cool off a bit , I was heavily pregnant , apparently they were sexting - mainly when he was drunk but there were no more making out sessions or sex
i was starting to think that I had it wrong and I was over emotional because of the pregnancy
Then my WH had a vasectomy just before the birth of our daughter in Sept, so nothing happened for a few months . But of course OW was over at our place all the time to check on the baby and me.
So in november i realized something was still wrong and I had pretty much conclude that it was my BF/ mid wife so I started to try and catch them
His phone was always clear of her messages (it was odd that all texts from her were deleted) I started driving past her house (they lived about 10 min away) at random times to check if his ute was there during the day, I had started feeding them bits of information that no one else knew so i could catch them out.
A week before christmas they meet up again for sex
(probably the week of the OW's wedding anniversary , classy)
Forward a few weeks to 13th of Jan 2014
WH went out in the evening - he had been drinking at work so was a bit to drunk to remember to take his phone with him and I had the time to discover the Spam text folder which had some of the messages form her (he didn't know they were on his phone)
So i finally had proof and confronted WH when he got home

With the ex BF /OW, i texted her that I knew
she said that I was important to her and that we should talk, to which i replied that if she ever had contact with me or my children again I would report her to the Midwives council ( they have a very clear instruction not to have sexual relations with a client or clients partner and she would gets in a lot of trouble )

Since then NC from her but I have had contact with her Husband , as he was as much in the dark about it as I was.

So thats my JFO story

I am quite gutted and broken by this double betrayal

WH and I are trying to sort things out have been to MC

[This message edited by littleflower at 7:21 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)]


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry that you are going through any of this. Please take care of yourself. Always remember that none of this is your fault, it is all on him and his choices.
I suffered a double betrayal too as the OW and her H were our friends. I am so very sorry, but you will get through this, try to remember that when you feel totally overwhelmed.

(((Hugs)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

(((littleflower)))

Oh, honey. I know how intensely I depended on my midwife at the birth of my daughter, and I felt a really strong connection to her. This is a colossal betrayal, and I don't even know what to say.

I'm not sure where you are. In Canada, midwives are regulated and I would report a midwife for unprofessional conduct if this happened to me. Is this recourse open to you? It's something to think about, anyway.

Also, it seems your WH has a history of inappropriate behaviour when drinking. As a minimum for me to attempt to get past this, I would need my WH to stop drinking and maybe even attend AA.

I hope someone comes a long with the experience of a double betrayal and some advice on that. At the very least, I think finding your own counselor could be helpful with that. I'm so sorry. Your story really leaves me speechless, I just wanted to reach out and let you know you were heard.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

lost_in_toronto

Thanks for your post - I'm in NZ , mid wives are regulated here
The problem if I report her is that it will effect her family. Her husband was made redundant last year and he now works contract and his income is not secure , she has two teenage kids (her daughter baby sits for me)
if I report her they will all be effected, as she is the main bread winner at the moment.
And I will loose the control I have over her to stay away from me.
Tho sometimes I would really like to lodge a complaint - would it just be revenge ?

My WH is trying desperately to keep me and is not drinking at the moment , but i don't know how long that will last


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Littleflower, I'm so sorry. REPORT HER NOW! She doesnt deserve to keep her license after what she's done! She KNEW the consequences of her actions and did not care, so why should YOU cover for her?
Seriously, report her. NOW!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

Fully agree with reporting her. You don't get bonus points for being nice here.

Unless your husband is truly remorseful (not just sorry for being caught) MC is completely pointless.
You need to step back for a moment and think about what you want. Do you want to remain in this marriage, or is there another reason such as staying for the kids?

1) Implement 180
2) Both get checked for STDs
3) Go to a lawyer and see your options even if you plan to reconcile.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, March 5th (Wednesday)

I'm a physician in the states and here midwifery is also regulated. Please turn her in. That is so totally unprofessional that it sickens me. This woman is a PREDATOR. Do you think your WH will be the only husband she targets? Do you want other women to go through this? I'm sorry if her family gets hurt but those are consequences of HER actions not yours.

Hugs to you.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2190 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Listen to Dr. Purplejacket! I, too, think this woman is a predator. If you do nothing, someone else WILL be victimized by her. Please report her. She knew better!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1190 | Registered: Jun 2007
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I am totally confused now,
In our initial MC meeting I talked to her about wanting to report the OW and the MC told me that a midwife is someone who should just come into he home to care for me and the baby and it was my mistake to choose a friend to be the midwife and that the affair would of happened weather or not she was the midwife , so I should just forget the OW and wanting to report her and work on the relationship instead of revenge .

ZedLeppelin - my WH seems remorseful and my initial reason for staying is the 3 kids under 4


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Hugs to you littleflower.

I want to mention that regardless if she was a friend or not, she is still bound by the code of ethics for her profession. The friendship takes a back seat here.

I think because she was a friend and your midwife, she should have looked out and protected you even more than just an average provider.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 401 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Littleflower- I'm sorry you're here. Double betrayals are hard.

Get a new MC. If this one blames you at all for the A, then s/he needs to go. Your WH could've had an A with a midwife he didn't know. He could've had an A with a friend that wasn't a midwife...he could've cheated with a complete stranger. Notice nowhere in that list did I mention you? Because when it comes down to it, cheating was his choice.

I want to point out that she didn't deliver your baby. You did. You did all the hard work, the baby came from your body and you labored her out. She caught the baby. Do what you can to reduce the significance of her in that day by changing perspective.

You're kind to not turn her in. Have you considered at least leaving reviews online so future clients are warned? As I said...this is a boundary issue with your WH. The same with her; it doesn't matter that she was a friend. She could be inappropriate with other clients partners.

Your WH needs to get in a treatment program and have some form of accountability.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

In our initial MC meeting I talked to her about wanting to report the OW and the MC told me that a midwife is someone who should just come into he home to care for me and the baby and it was my mistake to choose a friend to be the midwife and that the affair would of happened weather or not she was the midwife , so I should just forget the OW and wanting to report her and work on the relationship instead of revenge .

Warning...going to be blunt.

BULLSHIT.

Sound like this MC has some moral issues herself and I'd RUN to another MC who specializes in infidelity. I have never heard of a medical professional telling a person to NOT report another medical professional when misconduct has occurred. Please find a new MC. Also, in my opinion, you and your WH should be in IC. Him for his alcoholism and you for all the trauma you have endured.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

In our initial MC meeting I talked to her about wanting to report the OW and the MC told me that a midwife is someone who should just come into he home to care for me and the baby and it was my mistake to choose a friend to be the midwife and that the affair would of happened weather or not she was the midwife, so I should just forget the OW and wanting to report her and work on the relationship instead of revenge.

I also call bullshit and agree that you should consider finding a different MC.

First: the statement that you made a mistake choosing your friend to be the midwife.

I agree that it isn't a good idea to have a friend be a midwife. My best friend is a midwife and while she was at the birth of my daughter she was not the midwife. However, the MISTAKE that was made here was the OW's who should have been professional and referred you to another midwife. Asking your friend to be your midwife was simply a request; the OW is the professional, and the onus was on her to act accordingly.

Second: It makes me SO ANGRY when MCs try to make a BS feel in any way culpable for the affair.

Third: Yes, the affair might have happened whether she was your midwife or not. But the fact is, the affair began WHILE she was your midwife. She was a professional who should have been acting like a professional.

Fourth: Holding someone accountable for their actions does not make you vengeful AT ALL. If you were making shit up, that would be an act of pettiness and revenge. Reporting on the facts is not revenge.

Now, all that said, if you decide that you do not want to report her for the sake of her family, that is your decision to make. I do agree with others, though, that she has probably done this before with other husbands of her clients, and probably will again. Still, that doesn't mean that you are responsible for her future actions. Also, if you report her and she loses her livelihood, you are not responsible for that, either - HER ACTIONS, HER CONSEQUENCES.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Get rid of MC. Just like therapist ethics bind the MC, the mid wife's ethics bind the mid wife, not you. You are not bound by professional boundaries, the mid wife is. It was the mid wife's duty to turn you down due to friendship, not yours. You did nothing wrong in asking, she was wrong in accepting.

I think you should turn her in. The friendship boundary is another breach in her professional conduct. I agree she is a predator. Her studies in midwifery would include family dynamics. She knows that men can be very vulnerable while their wives are pregnant. She knowingly put out the hook. I would say not the first time. This is not just a little A between two weak married people. She has knowingly done harm to a client.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1473 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

((((littleflower))))

Please read and re-read lost in toronto's last post. Summed up wonderfully.

Aside from whether you are going to report this "woman" or not, what do YOU want for YOU? What is your WH doing to make things better (or is he sweeping it under the rug)?

Please go to the healing library and read the 180. It's for you and will help you get through this, whether you decide to R or D...

hugs...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Thank you to everyone who has commented , it's such a relief to be able to openly talk about what is going on.

I am now looking for a new MC


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Do any of you think that it would help me move forward if I reported the OW ?

@ lost_in_toronto

Fourth: Holding someone accountable for their actions does not make you vengeful AT ALL. If you were making shit up, that would be an act of pettiness and revenge. Reporting on the facts is not revenge.

your post made me think that I have no hard evidence that it started while I was pregnant
WH deleted his texts
So would i need him to give evidence against the OW?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Definitely get rid of your MC - their advice is crap with regards to the OW. This midwife is bound by the code of ethics. It is irrelavant that she was a friend - in fact I would think the midwifery council would frown on her accepting you as a client anyway - doctors, nurses and midwifes are educated in NZ as to our responsibilites under the code of rights.

She needs to be accountable for her actions. Yes there is likely to be financial fall-out for her however these are consequences of her actions. This woman's behaviour is predatorial. She needs any future practice as a midwife to be be under supervision to protect other clients and their families from her potential to reoffend.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 723 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, March 7th (Friday)

And I will loose the control I have over her to stay away from me.

No you will not. If she contacts you or threatens you, file a restraining order. I honestly don't think she will want to bring more legal trouble to herself. But if she does, you have the law on your side.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Do you think your WH will be the only husband she targets? Do you want other women to go through this? I'm sorry if her family gets hurt but those are consequences of HER actions not yours.

^
This

Report the bitch NOW. How dare she have the luxury of having her situation protected by you including her children, her marriage, her financial stability, when you life has been screwed over by her and your idiot H. Sorry, but there are consequences for her actions. It is not YOUR job to make it OK for HER.

My God, this is absolutely disgusting and you must make sure she never gets the opportunity to infiltrate herself into anyone else's life/family again. I second what has been send by others here

SHE IS A PREDATOR.

As for your H. He needs a serious help but lets deal with her for now.

Love to you
Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1094 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Expat2
New Member
Member # 41987
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Hi

A little bit of a different take here.

YOU decide if you want to report her.What goes around comes around ANYWAY!Maybe,being kind to her kids and BS is just that,being kind.

Personally,I dont think it will make you feel better if you report her.Shoot,in my opinion,even killing the OW doesnt make us feel better.Only time and hard work does that,so unfair...lol.

So,you decide what the value is that you want to follow and you act upon it.

Double betrayel is the hardest.My ws's OW is a friend of 25 years!


Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

Thanks to all of you that commented ,
since the MC had said not to report her, I have been holding on to a huge amount of anger but now that I have decided to go ahead and report the OW , I have felt a huge amount of relief !
That fact that she was my mid wife and that I had trusted her with a incredibly personal experiance , and she breached that trust has been eating away at my soul
I know tho that I won't be able to do it alone, so I think I will enlist the support of another friend or a new MC

[This message edited by littleflower at 5:06 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

[This message edited by littleflower at 3:55 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
summerain
Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I've only read through the one page. But I wanted to say your mc is right. The marriage comes first (if he's remorseful). The midwife area is seperate . So I am in agreence with the midwife being reported. I don't entirely agree she is a predator. Your wh already demonstrated loose boundaries and morals.

That said, it's his actions now that will determine how your marriage works out, if it's not a deal breaker for you. I wish you the best and feel free to PM me anytime

Best wishes


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
lilflower1000
Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

((Littleflower))
So sorry you are going through. My heart breaks for you as I read your story. You need to report her! SHE chose to put her family's financial stability in jeopardy for a piece of ass. It was not your choice. How could someone do this sort of thing? I am sure other women would not want this type of person delivering their baby. I am not sure if she is a preditor, but she obviously has questionable decision making skills. Who does this? Sex with, not only a client, but a best friend' s husband during what should be one of the most special times in their life? And has the nerve to go through with assisting in the birth when she knows she is doing what she can to destroy the family of this beautiful new life? There have got to be some sort of issues going on with her mentally. This needs to be reported and those who regulate this type of thing will make the ultimate decision whether she loses her licence, receives some sort of disciplinary action, or counseling.
Meanwhile I think you need to 180 and take care of you and your sweet babies.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
stillsad1970
Member
Member # 38977
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

Im in Toronto. Need me to kick some ass for you?
Ohhhhhh that would feel so good.
I joke of course, but only if there are witnesses.
Who says Canadians are nice? . You need to report her, immediately. She came to your home after and during both affair and her duties? Cuckoo!!

Take care of yourself and your babies.
Summer is around the corner. This winter has been hell.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

That fact that she was my mid wife and that I had trusted her with a incredibly personal experiance , and she breached that trust has been eating away at my soul.

littleflower, I think the most important thing here is that you make a decision that gives you some measure of peace regarding that aspect of the betrayal. I'm glad that you have realized that breach of trust is not your fault, and that you have the right to report her without it being an act of revenge. I hope that you can find a friend to support you, and a MC that gives you better advice and support as well.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
positively4thst
Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I agree with all the others. She needs to be reported and that is NOT being vengeful. Let's separate the two:

1. You hired a medical professional to deliver your baby at home. While in her care, she engaged in unprofessional conduct, broke the code of ethics*, and could have potentially harmed you and your child. In fact, she did much emotional harm. She is not fit for duty. Period.
*"We value mutual trust, honesty and respect"

2. This woman was supposedly your best friend. She used you,took advantage of you at your most vulnerable time, and betrayed you for her own personal gain.

YOU had nothing to do with any of that. We all make choices in life. Each choice has a consequence. Let the chips fall where they may and STAY STRONG. So sorry you had to go through this.

Lastly, I don't think your husband is a functioning alcoholic. Someone who drinks all the time, at work, and seems to drive all the time after drinking is not functioning. He's just an alcoholic. You have no control over that as well. Time for you to step back and focus on yourself and your healing, away from the drama others have brought upon themselves.

Look for a pro bono attorney for some advice.


Posts: 1248 | Registered: May 2009
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, March 8th (Saturday)


lastly, I don't think your husband is a functioning alcoholic. Someone who drinks all the time, at work, and seems to drive all the time after drinking is not functioning. He's just an alcoholic.

positively4thst

You are so right ! Maybe he used to be a functioning alcoholic

Since DDay be has done everything to try and fix this.
Stopped drinking , has not never said any if it was
My fault ,has answered all my questions , he realized straight away that I wanted to leave and that he is lucky that I am even talking to him.
As far as I know there has been NC with the OW


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

Take it from an ACOA- adult child of an alcoholic. Your WH needs to be in some recovery program and your should join something like Al-anon too.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

I think you are caught between a rock and a hard place. If you don't report her it will eat away at you and you will take so much longer to move forward and heal. If you do report her it will jar against your nature which is basically a trusting, decent human being.

I don't see it as an act of revenge on your part to report her. I believe it is necessary for your healing. No, it won't be the thing that saves your marriage and it won't erase the damage she has done but it will allow you to make a stand and legitimately so. This woman has violated the most basic foundations of her professional code. I am not even going to touch on how disgusting her betrayal as a friend has been. While she had plenty of help in the form of your husband, she had no regard for you as a friend, patient or human being, nor the welfare of your baby.

She may not be a predator but she is an opportunist with narcissistic tendencies.

As for your H well it is good that he is showing remorse and trying to get help with his drinking. Once you have reported her, let the universe then take care of it and free your mental health up to concentrate on you and your family.

That is just my humble opinion.

Hugs to you

EJ

[This message edited by Ellejay at 12:26 AM, March 10th (Monday)]


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1094 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
sidney2718
New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)

Littleflower: I'm not going to get into the "report the midwife" debate. You must do what you think is right.

What I'm concerned about is you. You report that your husband is trying very hard to reconcile and if that is what you want, it is a good thing.

I suggest that instead of worrying about midwives, you sit yourself down (lots of luck with three children under four years of age!) and figure out what you need to recover from all of this. Then make sure that your husband agrees to that list and actively works on it.

For example I suspect that he really should give up alcohol. Forever. He seems to have a problem with it and continuing to drink will, I suspect, lead to more problems in your family.

I'm sure there are other issues. No, you are not going to turn him into the world's most perfect husband, but you probably can turn him into one that is far better than the one you've had recently.

And don't forget, we really are rooting for you.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

Hey sidney2718
You report that your husband is trying very hard to reconcile and if that is what you want, it is a good thing.

I don't know what I want , after initial MC and reading a book I put a time limit of 4 months on me , a kinda a breathing space so I could get my head round what was happening and make an informed decision on weather to give this relationship another shot or not .


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Just a little update
I've discovered that I can first go through the Resolutions committee , which is non disciplinary
And if I'm still unhappy THEY will help me with other avenues that I can direct my concerns.

I finally feel like I might be able to move forward ....


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Can anyone tell me how to change the typo in the topic title - it's doing my head in
Do I have to wait till 40 or 50 posts ?


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

I can't help with the title typo ... but it's not a big deal imho.

I'm glad you are getting some resolution.

One thing I caught in one of your posts is that the midwife's daughter babysits for you. Please cut all ties to that family, find another babysitter. I think having any avenue open to the OW is dangerous. What if WH has to escort the babysitter home due to weather or other adverse conditions - do you trust him to do that? Why would you put yourself in this position?

NC and 180 are difficult, but you and WH need to institute them towards OW.

Your WH needs treatment for alcoholism .. and AA is one of the best and most effective. I think that you too should attend AA meetings with him, and you might want to join an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. By classifying him as a 'functional' alcoholic you are enabling him to continue along the same path.

Glad you got a different MC, now to find an IC for you and one for WH.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

BAB61

I know I have to get rid of the baby sitter -
I feel bad as she shouldn't have to pay for her mums stupid actions , but I know that going down the road of reporting the OW I can't have her daughter babysitting.

FYI , WH would never need to drop her home , only to the bus stop - what's tricky is that the OWH sometimes picks her up !!


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

One thing I have learned by reading the "Wayward Side" on this site is that REALITY is what sometimes begins the change for the OW. Maybe by you turning her in she won't hurt another family.

Reality is her being turned in for what she did to you and your family. It's just like when my children were in elementary school, the counselor told them if anyone did anything inappropriate to them, they were to tell someone in authority, that this was not the time to be "nice" and not the time to think about the consequences to the predator. Please report her, her next "victim" might be spared.

The OW in my case also was a friend who babysat my children. It is sickening, and yes it takes a while to "get your mind around the situation".

You can look on the AA or Alanon website to get meeting times. In the US we have phone alanon meetings that can be accessed so that you can "go to a meeting" on the phone if you can't get out with your children all so young.

(((littleflower))))


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2124 | Registered: Jan 2012
littleflower
Member
Member # 42673
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 7th (Monday)

OW husband rang this morning to tell me that I should be reporting his wife to the midwife council

WTF

I didn't screen the call - had no idea it was him , I wouldn't have answered

This is turning into the worst trigger week :(


DD 13/1/14
Him WH
OW now X BFF
3 kids under 4

Posts: 98 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 39