User Topic: Caught vs Confession - WS Welcome
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Does being caught in the affair make a difference vs confessing the affair?

My WW was caught then confessed.
She showed regret, but not remorse in my opinion.

If she had confessed like she did the first time this would probably be a different scenario.

Now that she got caught by OMW, it feels like she is such a different person.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Lost - I caught my husband at two. While it doesn't make the concept of "affair" any better or worse when it comes to trust, confession goes a long way. When you know someone can come to you with a difficult thing - well, that's brings you one step closer to knowing they can live authentically.

I told my husband I had sex with two other guys (one was a rape but that's another story). Not sure how it can get any worse than that.
It will stick in my craw for a while (maybe forever) that he didn't confess. I need to get to the bottom of this and figure out if I can't get past this fact. I'm not sure it would bother other BS's. But it bothers the heck out of me.

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:58 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

It bothers me a lot. The reason she only confessed is because she got caught and the OMW threaten to tell me.

And in my mind, and what a lot of people have been asking, if she didn't get caught how long would this have gone on?

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

It matters to me. If WH would've ended it on his own and confessed, I would feel so much better. Instead I caught him. To his credit, when I asked him point blank if he was having an A, he immediately said Yes. And that is the moment I lost my mind and my world turned black.

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 109 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

My WW confessed. I still wonder why to this day because she is not remorseful. Maybe she wanted to hurt me, maybe she wanted to get it off her conscience, who knows. I knew something was going on but had no proof, I just knew. So when she told me it was almost a relief. It was confirmation I wasn't going crazy.

Does it make it any better to have her tell me? I don't think so. But I am sure if I found out and busted her I might see it different. In the end whether the WW told me or not, she still has to do the same amount of work to fix her issues. Telling me only saved me the confrontation that I might of had to have but the hurt and anger are still there. It's all a shit sandwich. And a shit sandwich with chocolate sprinkles is still a shit sandwich.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I would have preferred a confession for sure. I would have been equally as hurt, but at least a confession would have meant more to me. An effort perhaps, the effort that may be too late, but an effort still? Even if it was just regret or guilt at first. Like you said, I often wonder how long it would have continued if I didn't catch him.

It is something I still bring up, that makes building trust harder, because I don't know if he would ever come to me in a tough situation. Maybe IC can help that.

BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I feel my WW is just cold now. She seems like she is trying to come to her senses but at the same time she is still blame shifting and making excuses.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

According to The Princess, she never did anything wrong. Even the stuff that I KNOW about, she says never happened. I have no idea if things would be easier if she''d confessed.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I asked him point blank if he was having an A, he immediately said Yes.

and mine said no. I asked both times. I went crazy the second time knowing something was going on. He said, "call her and ask her," referring to OW1. Well, it was OW2. I need to get off this thread.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I asked him point blank if he was having an A, he immediately said Yes.

and mine said no. I asked both times. I went crazy the second time knowing something was going on. He said, "call her and ask her," referring to OW1. Well, it was OW2. I need to get off this thread.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

It makes a difference to me. During my wayward wife's year long affair I poured my heart out to her letting her know that things weren't right between us.

She callously lied to me without remorse or shame that nothing was wrong and that she was in love with me.

She forced my hand in catching her and now I'm supposed to just accept that she is sorry and wants to change for the betterment of us.

I believe things would be different if she would've broken down and admitted her terrible decisions. It sucks to know that the one you loved the most loved what they were doing more than they loved you.

I would've preferred a confession after the initial mistake was made. It would've shown me true sorrow. Now I am left listening to the regret.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 605 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I caught, and not out of suspicion. Just totally blindsided.

According to "Not Just Friends" and other sources, confessions have a better chance of reconciliation.

ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Now that she got caught by OMW, it feels like she is such a different person.

Sorry - did something happen in the past few days or weeks that I missed?

My W confessed when I asked her for, IIRC, the 4th time over a 4 month period. She said, and I believe, she confessed because she had decided end the A, and she expected ow to out her.

So I don't know if she confessed or was caught.

I believe the big distinction is the WS's response on and after D-Day. Remorseful words backed up by remorseful behaviors make R possible. Lack of remorse makes R impossible. Slow development of remorse makes R more difficult.

I don't know if the response is correlated with the way the A is outed.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

my WH confessed and to me it makes a difference, I don't know if I would be willing to reconcile if I had caught him .

"A tree falls the way it careful which way you lean"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I found out (DDay#1) from OBS, he phoned me and told me. I think AP got caught on purpose (was hoping to snag my H). However 6 weeks later my H confessed to much, much more. So unfortunately I (we) have a lot of affair crap to deal with BOTOH he had no reason except wanting to be honest and have a fresh start and be true to R, to tell me. It helps (in a very painful kind of way). If I had had to find out each thing on my own... there would be zero faith in his ability to be honest, having him cough up to it all, knowing that I very well may have walked straight out the door, that means a lot.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

While it doesn't make the concept of "affair" any better or worse when it comes to trust, confession goes a long way.

I agree with this. I caught my husband. It haunted me for a long time how far things would've gone if I hadn't caught him.

It still would've hurt deeply but it would also have meant something significant to me if he had confessed.

I don't think it was possible in my case though. I caught him early enough, he still believed he had done nothing wrong because they hadn't had sex.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 12:24 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I asked mine point blank 3 times while the affair was active, he said no each time. When he confessed, roughly 4 months after it ended, he expressed disappointment that I didn't figure it out. If I ask and you say no, it's my duty to take you at your word, it is not your duty to lie and then get disappointed because I didn't "figure it out". I don't think it would have been better if I caught him, because I told myself during that time if I found hard core proof he was lying I was done. In the months before confession his personality change was like night and day, I knew whatever it was was over, and I told myself again if he ever confessed I was done. Those words were the first thing out of my mouth the night he did confess, but within the next few hours I went back and fourth, fourth and back again so many times. I still question why he actually told me, because he didn't have to at that point, things were returning to normal. I thought for so long he only told me so I'd kick him out and that may very well have been his mindset at the time. But he said he confessed because I needed to know and he wasn't sure what my reaction would be, but was prepared for whatever I decided to do. I sometimes get angry at myself when I think back on all the lies and all the truths I KNEW and I did nothing but tell myself you're crazy, he'd never do that to you. I wrestle with putting that much trust in him again, but then I remember that he confessed when he didn't have to, I remember he is not the person he acted like while in the affair. I haven't let my guard down by a long shot, but I'm working on it. If I'd caught him, I would be gone and he may have seen the error of his ways sooner rather than later, but I would've been bitter much much longer if I would've caught him. So, in my mind, confession shows remorse and a desire to work together to erase the hurt.

Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

The confession didn't didn't seem any better to me. She confessed and wouldn't end it. So I ended up home alone, knowing she was out fucking some other guy.

As far as trust goes, she didn't actually end it until four months after she said she would.

I think the attitude upon confession/being caught makes more of a difference.

DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I had one of each. He confessed the first time and the second time I was called by the husband of the OW. Both were horribly painful and, really, it didn't matter if he confessed because he still lied for a very long time until that point. The confession didn't make him some honest, upstanding person. It just made him a liar who decided to finally tell the truth. When the second affair came to light, it actually was easier to come to terms with because, by then, I already knew he had the capacity to lie.

To me, the only way a confession would have been easier would be if he confessed when he developed an attraction to either woman so we could have worked through that before he cheated. And if he didn't realize where it was going until something physical happened, he could have told me after the first time and we could have worked through that. Instead, he continued the affair and further compounded the lying and damage. Once it goes past those initial betrayals, I feel that it no longer matters if I found out through confession or his being caught. The continued, lengthy lying was devastating either way.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

My WW confessed...three whole years after it was over. She said that she had to tell me because I had been so good to her and it was too difficult for her to keep it a secret anymore.

Of course, I knew something was wrong had been wrong, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I learned that she had a fuckation with a co-worker while away at a conference they both attended for work. Life has never been the same since D-Day.

Had I found out by any means other than a confession, I think I would have just gone for D. Instead, I chose to R. To this day, I still think I should have D because my WW never owned her shit.

Posts: 335 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

There was a poll here about six months ago, and it seems very few waywards just came out and confessed.

Mine did, but only when he thought he was caught. (He wasn't. And he had lied when I asked point blank 2-3 times.)

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

If I had caught him, this time, rather than his confessing, we'd not be together right now. Seriously. That is his only saving grace. I think it really IS the difference between regret and remorse.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I experienced both. First I caught WH, and he did everything he could to lie and cover up. Then he took it underground for two months before finally confessing and ending it all the way he should have the first time. I feel fairly confident in saying that the only reason we are still together is because he confessed on d-day 2. If I had caught him when he took it underground I'm sure I would have walked away and never looked back.
His confession on d-day 2 proved to me that he truly wanted out of the A, and wanted our marriage. It also proved to me that he had some shred of respect for me, and even more so, that he was ABLE to tell the truth. That literally, needed to be proven to me at that point. I honestly didn't know the man anymore, he was crazed and evil, in my mind. His confession was the only thing that made me say, "Okay, maybe not pure evil."

D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

It's more of what they do when you confront that is telling.

I knew in my gut, and until I had proof, cold hard evidence, I was never going to get a confession.

When I confronted, I got immediate truth of the situation, and a willingness to work toward R. IF he had been waivering in any way, or not sure if he wanted to stay with me, I would have been done right then.

Of course he still broke NC multiple times until he defogged.

But I say a spouse that blames other, denies, or him haws about what they want when confronted doesn't deserve the gift of R.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

My fWW was caught, but not by me.
She and the OM were caught by another employee, who happened to be a friend of mine.
She confessed, confessed that they were in love and she was leaving, with the kids and they were going to live happily ever after. Of course the OM never bothered to tell his Bs about the A.

I guess if I'd been the one to catch them, she'd be XWW instead of fWW.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:14 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 469 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

No confession from H. He denied when I asked him during and after. His awful reaction (blaming me, not calling me after I left in tears, calling OW instead) after I found him texting OW are still a major sticking point in R. Heavy TT until fog lifted. The lying and gaslighting are nearly as bad as the A itself.

If he had confessed sure it would have been different, but he just wasn't there. He was so deep in the fog at that time that he insisted that OW (that "pal" of mine) felt empathy for me. Our MC couldn't contain himself when he heard that one and rolled his eyes and said "oh please."

Whether A was revealed bc of confession or bc it was unearthed by the BS, how the WS reacts in the days and weeks following is so important. A WS acting like a jackass inflicts so many more injuries. A sensitive and caring WS softens the blow and helps start the healing much earlier.

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 509 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I will also say that the type of confession has a big impact on R too. Just because they confess does not mean they are remorseful, at least not in my situation. I got a confession quickly followed up by blameshifting and justification in the very next sentence. And when the A gets brought up now I get the standard, "well I confessed so I don't know why that doesn't count for anything" argument.

A confession can be just another slap in the face in my experience.

Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I caught my ws and.I know he wasn't one of those that wanted to be caught because he was eaten up with guilt. He was pissed. I messed everything uo by finding out. I think in my sich, it does make a difference because he wasn't ready to end it, so his remorse was more for himself, not for me.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 28