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User Topic: I contacted her
Ladybug0808
New Member
Member # 42366
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

Since DDay I have been asking WH when the last time they saw each other was. He continues to tell me that the last time they slept together was November 2012. Common sense would tell me that in more than a year, as often as they communicated via email and text and as raunchy as the pictures I found were that NO WOMAN in her right mind (I don’t care how lonely you were) would not expect something. My gut has been telling me that he is lying. I asked him the other day is I asked AP would she give me that same answer? He responded - Yes but I wish you wouldn't. I want to move forward. THAT'S WHAT IM TRYING TO DO!!!! So today, I emailed her. It was a kind email. I explained to her that I don’t blame her. As wrong as her actions were - she is not the one that told me everyday that he loved me or the one that took a vow and covenant (in April of last year - P.S.)in front of God and our family and friends. Then I asked her two questions - (1) when is the last time she physically saw my husband and (2)when is the last time she was intimate with my husband.

My WH already set me up that if I contacted her she would likely lie to me because she wants to be with him. This may be true but its done and once I receive her response (if I do) then I have to decide what to do with the info.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Feb 2014
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, March 6th (Thursday)

I hope you get the answers you're looking for. I keep finding zingers. I don't know if the lies ever actually stop.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Iwilltranscend
New Member
Member # 42631
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I contacted the OW too. I showed up on her doorstep and asked for the details. When I went home, WH was upset that I visited OW and stated he was concerned about her safety and the fact that she has a son (from another relationship). Anyway, after I had OW's side of the story, I asked WH. He told me the same story BUT I also know that they spoke while I was traveling from her house to ours.

In your case, OW might lie but she might also tell you the truth. I would asked about other details to see if the story rings true.

My gut has been telling me that he is lying.

Trust your gut!!


BW: me (41)
WH: 43
DD#1: Feb 4, 2013
DD#2: May 6, 2014
Married 2010

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I am the OW and I don't believe they lie as much as people tend to think. Sure there are crazy OM and OW out there. I also think there are just as many crazy BS who do not even check, confirm, or follow up on the information they ask for. They may not want to really hear or believe what the OM/OW says. So they ask, get the truth and say the person is a liar when really the Wh/WW is the liar.

My AP lied to his wife. She believes we had a ONS followed by a two year EA. We had a 5 year LTA with many trips. She knew and we were supposed to have been NC for a year and we were not (she never even looked or checked). She must have had a feeling and asked on one of the last trips if he was going to see me and he lied and insisted it was for business. Why would you not call the hotel and ask for names?? She knew his and mine. Some things the BS do don't make sense to me anymore than what we do makes sense to you. I think both sides can be guilty of rugsweeping.

I can assure you I am not a crazy AP - I made a bad choice in my life. If I was contacted by WW asking me questions I am not sure what I would do but three immediate thoughts come to mind. I know number two is the wrong one but it came to mind so I am sharing.

1. Ignore

2. Text xAP that WW contacted and tell him to deal with it.

2. Tell the truth depending on circumstances.

I wouldn't want to get my xAP in further trouble - I do not hate him. I do not know what he has told WW and I don't want to be the one to prove him lying and cause trouble or be involved. In my case it is one year NC and I don't want contact. Time to move on from the mess.

What I can say - if your gut is telling you something it is usually correct. Investigate if you can. Is there a hotel you can check names at?

I hope this helps some. It is a hard situation to be in on both sides. I also hope you do not have a crazy AP to deal with. Good luck.


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I am also a former WW and my AP's BS called me with a list of questions. I answered every one honestly with my husband standing there hearing the answers as well.

Good luck.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:47 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4525 | Registered: Dec 2010
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I hope your WH didn't get to her first and tell her what to say.

((hugs))


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1617 | Registered: Jun 2009
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I hope she's honest with you. I contacted ow and she and ws had already got their stories straight. She lied. I believe there are some that will tell you the truth though. Guess then you have to decide, is it true, is it a lie, what do I do with it?


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 7th (Friday)

The only certainty that exists right now, is that the AP is a willing liar, and accomplice. I would initially operate from what I "know" as opposed to what I *hope* for.

I would wait and see what you get as a response. She may try to align with you, or she may be defensive. You stand a better chance understanding her intentions by the structure of her responses than you will from what she "means" to say.

Regardless of what she sends, have you considered not disclosing the content of her response to him, until you have asked him if there is "anything else he needs to tell you"? If he isn't in contact with her now, and there is more than he has told, it may scare him into divulging that info. Unfortunately, if they are in contact in some way, he may already know what the email contains.

Be careful about what you believe, They were partners of deception.

@ pastthelies

I also think there are just as many crazy BS who do not even check, confirm, or follow up on the information they ask for.

I am sure you don't mean to offend by that statement. While I'm not offended by it, I do hope you realize that there comes a point for a BS where the hyper vigilant state of investigator is too much. The emotional drain on a BS to uncover the twisted web of lies overwhelming. The fact that this has to be done at all is the real issue. Not the BS's failing to be a super cop. I would never blame a BS for not knowing how to investigate a betrayal properly.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, March 7th (Friday)

refuz2beavictim
I am sure you don't mean to offend by that statement. While I'm not offended by it, I do hope you realize that there comes a point for a BS where the hyper vigilant state of investigator is too much. The emotional drain on a BS to uncover the twisted web of lies overwhelming. The fact that this has to be done at all is the real issue. Not the BS's failing to be a super cop. I would never blame a BS for not knowing how to investigate a betrayal properly.

No insult was meant by that comment. As I stated my xAp BW just believed all he said and that was it. I don't expect someone to become a detective but checking past phone bills/trips would have given her a lot of info. She never did. I don't believe she wanted to know.

I think the response the BS will get depends on who they are dealing with. All AP's are not horrific crazy people. Some just made a mistake and don't want anymore hurt for anyone. They want it to be over.

I understand wanting to know - If I found out I would too. I still want to know how badly I was lied to but that will never happen.


Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Pastthelies, while I appreciate your candor, your comments are contradictory. You state not all AP are crazy liars, but then go on to stated you'd only be truthful depending on the circumstances. I think it validates our responses in general; AP's lie. It's very rare they are truthful. I believe RachelC completely that she was truthful, because she is remorseful and did a ton of work on herself.

I for one, DID indeed find your comments utterly insulting and offensive regarding the BW believing her spouse. It takes BS's a long, long time to get to the point of "snooping" on our spouses and it causes a great amount of mental hoops to jump through. You also have no idea of what kind of masterful gaslighting her husband was doing. So, just a head's up as you learn and go through the process of healing yourself.

As to the OP, I think this illustrates that you need to be very cautious of the information you gain. I always stand by the side that say if your WH cannot be truthful with you on his own, your have no chance to reconcile. I wish you the best of luck.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I always stand by the side that say if your WH cannot be truthful with you on his own, your have no chance to reconcile

^^^^ this by Rebreather.

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:11 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I do not know what he has told WW and I don''t want to be the one to prove him lying and cause trouble or be involved.

If you didn''t want to be involved, then that ship sailed when you decided to engage in the affair. Sorry, but IMO if you want to live an authentic life then you wouldn''t be picking and choosing "well, I will interfere with her marriage here, but not here." It sounds like you would be more interested in protecting yourself than in actually helping the BW.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Nov 2010
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Hugs to you Ladybug0808....

@Pastthelies - I AM insulted. As a wife I did not enter into M with the view to honing my detective skills. Trust and faithfulness were the vows that MY H and I made to each other and then confirmed those vows in front of God, our families and our friends.

I am NOT stupid or blind! The fact that two people colluded to deceive me for almost a decade does not make them smarter than the average bear. Their choices and behavior lets me know how debased the two of them could be.

Yes APs are liars. They actively participate and perpetuate lies. Those who are truly remorseful and empathetic such as Rachelc admit their responsibility. Her willingness to honestly answer the questions proposed by the BS shows it. IMO this is rare.

I have discussed this issue of speaking with the OW with my IC. My H's choice to have an A was not about the OW. The choice of AP could have been any female. My questions are directed toward my H. My answers should also come from my H. It is my spouse that broke our covenant.



ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 380 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 7th (Friday)

once I receive her response (if I do) then I have to decide what to do with the info.

Yes. The wheels have been set in motion.

Regardless of how you get the truth, I do hope you get it soon, and that you will feel a sense of peace from having it. The truth will give you the ability to make informed decisions and really begin the healing process.

((Ladybug))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I would be willing to bet he'll contact her and warn her - and make sure they get their stories straight.

Unless they despise each other or there was a really ugly eruption between them after D-Day, you can pretty much count on him getting to her first.

You shouldn't have tipped your hat.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Ladybug, I think pastthelies response is very instructive. Here is what I get out of it: OW's loyalty, if any, is going to lie with your WH. She most likely will not speak to you, to avoid having to "prove him lying". I would not count on getting the truth from OW. If she does tell you anything, I think I would only believe it if she could provide something that backs it up--contemporaneous e-mails, places that you could check on (such as hotels), receipts. If you think your WH is lying, he probably is, so go with your gut. We have all learned that it is seldom wrong.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Ladybug, I think pastthelies response is very instructive. Here is what I get out of it: OW''s loyalty, if any, is going to lie with your WH.

You are likely correct. On the other hand, there have been several former APs (both single and those who were also WSs) on SI who genuinely desire to stop living with lies and whose focus is on repairing the damage they have done. When given the opportunity to come clean to the BS they sincerely apologize and offer whatever they can to help them. That requires a degree of courage and genuine remorsefulness, which the AP in this situation may or may not possess, but I will be hoping that happens in this case.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Nov 2010
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 7th (Friday)

cdnmommy, I do agree. The OW could turn out to be remorseful and willing to help. I hope that is the case, but I think the chances of that are not in Ladybug's favor. That is why I say, if you choose to trust the OW's answers, then have a way to verify. Actually, I think the fact that her WH warned her that OW will lie is quite interesting as well. He might be afraid that she will tell the truth, so he is doing a little gas lighting to cover for himself. Maybe.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 7th (Friday)

pastthelies...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196518 | Registered: May 2002
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, March 7th (Friday)

On the other hand, there have been several former APs (both single and those who were also WSs) on SI who genuinely desire to stop living with lies and whose focus is on repairing the damage they have done.

This wonderful and true for them. This is mainly in the context of their own relationship (with themselves and their own BS) Not for the BS of their AP (in most situations)

As a general rule, the AP of our WS is not our concern and we seek to create indifference and relegate them to non-entity status in our lives. There simply isn't enough energy or time to seek R with our WS and to worry about how their AP is getting their own life straight.


The SI exceptions are wonderful, but this AP is not likely to be one of these exceptions.

As a general rule we need to go on what we know. The actual history we have of this person. The AP is not an ally. Just a source of information, be it lies or truth.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 7th (Friday)

@TheBestMe....rock and roll! I LOVE your response.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 7th (Friday)


The SI exceptions are wonderful, but this AP is not likely to be one of these exceptions.

I agree. I am just trying to be hopeful for Ladybug. :)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Nov 2010
last.chance65
Member
Member # 15989
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I have contacted the OW as well, but not as myself, always as my WH (when I was trying to find out about the last of the details of the A’s and knew I was ready to confront him). With the first OW, they had their stories aligned. After that experience, I texted / emailed the OW from my WH’s email or phone with things like: “Hey luv, how long have I had the pleasure of.. you, again?” or, “Miss you.. What do you miss about me?” The floodgates opened with the latter message. I got more than I bargained for.


M 8 years, 2.5 kids
Many Ddays, Over 15 PAs, S, headed for D

Grab a plate and throw it on the ground.
~ Ok, Done
Did it break?
~ Yes
Now, say “Sorry” to it.
~ “Sorry”
Did it go back to the way it was before?
~ No
Now, do you understand?!


Posts: 598 | Registered: Aug 2007
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Pastthelies:

I too am insulted. You act as if we should be super investigators in our marriages. We wouldn't have to be if woman like you stayed out of them.

I don't believe she wanted to know.

She probably didn't...it hurt too much to not trust her husband. Or she had faith and trust, do you really fault her for that? If so, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. You should be able to have faith and trust in your marriage. But, again she shouldn't of had to be in that situation to begin with. A situation that you clearly have proven by your response that it is all about saving face and staying out of the fire to begin with by your responses. Once again, proof that the waywards (spouses and AP's) lie to fit their needs.

Sorry Ladybug0808 to highjack the thread. I sure hope you find your answers. Over time if he is working toward real recovery, the truth will come out. Your WH will realize the more he TT's the harder the R. Good luck.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 920 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, March 7th (Friday)

pass me the duct tape......

my head exploded.....

right off my damn shoulders....

pastthelies.....you are living a lie....completely....absolutely.....totally....


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 761 | Registered: Jun 2011
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 7th (Friday)

hopefulmother & Lone Gone...

I already flagged this thread. So instead of calling out a member that was asked to no longer post on this thread, please stay on topic for the original author.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196518 | Registered: May 2002
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, March 7th (Friday)

ok.....does this mean I can't get the duct tape?


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 761 | Registered: Jun 2011
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 7th (Friday)

It is a hard situation to be in on both sides.

*snort*

Difference being that one side CHOSE to be in the situation and the other one did not.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6558 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, March 7th (Friday)

You mean to put over your mouth? Sure


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196518 | Registered: May 2002
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, March 7th (Friday)

There was a valid point.made up there. ^^^ the loyalty will usually be with the ws by the ap. My experience was just that. Ow lied to protect ws, after all she had nothing to lose from me, except him. By lying, she tried to put me at ease, thus making me think all was good and they could carry on. I'm sure she didn't want to get involved or have an irate bs bothering her. It was in her best interest to lie. Not the right thing to do but I guess what I should have expected.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I contacted OW and never got a response. I even waited nearly 3 months to do it. I don't know what took me so long but I thought if anything, it was a good thing, because I hoped at that point if she did have any loyalties to my WBF, maybe they'd be gone?

I know for for certain that my WBF never had contact with her again after DDAY, so to me that means that she chose to not answer me for whatever reason. I could have continued trying to contact her but I guess I didn't want to lose self respect for myself by showing her how upset I was, or that she was even a thought in my mind still. (I speak ONLY for myself and am not saying anyone else lacks self respect)

My WBF saw OW a total of 3 times over the course of almost 2 months. So maybe it was because they hadn't formed any kind of attachment (does that make sense?) and when shit hit the fan she probably didn't give a rats ass about either of us.

Anyways - Even if she HAD answered me, who knows what she would have said. Could of been all lies, or could have been the truth. I would guess that it all depends on the person.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, March 7th (Friday)

The MOW in our sitch lied right through her teeth. I found out all info on my own. It really sucked the life out of me. MOW's loyalty was to my WH not to me. She wanted my life and felt like I had ruined my M and she deserved my WH. I agree with whomever said the OW's loyalty is with the MM.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I have been asking WH when the last time they saw each other was. He continues to tell me that the last time they slept together was November 2012.

You didn't ask when was last time they slept together, you asked the last time they saw each other. He didn't answer your question.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2901 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
MoonLitSmile
Member
Member # 24746
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

However she responds, verify if you can. In my case, the FOW lied, lied and then lied some more...


Me- 40
FWH- 40 recovering SA

Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself

DDay- July 13, 2013

Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman


Posts: 720 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southeastern PA
Topic Posts: 34