SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: How Do You Kiss?
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Long story short--my husband pecks and I want long slow kisses. I'm not asking for a make-out session every time we kiss but the only time I get much more than a peck is during sex. Obviously if he can kiss more sensually during sex then he does know how, right? Yes, I've asked him for more sensual kisses but I haven't nagged about it and it's been a long time since I said anything. And I try to soften my kisses and hope he follows my lead but that doesn't work.

Is this just what married couples do? Is it normal for kisses outside the bedroom to be closed-mouth pecks instead of the soft ones I crave? Am I expecting too much? Or is this just one more symptom of the intimacy issues that contributed to his As?

How do you guys kiss?


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I don't think there's ANY standard for this. How does he respond when you ask him about this? I think it's good to communicate your needs, but you certainly shouldn't have to nag.

Who initiates kissing? Maybe if you kinda surprise attacked him one night - like took charge, you could coax him into playing along? Just a thought. He may have post-A issues that need to get worked out.

(Personally, we have the opposite issue here. Crazz wants to makeout like we are teenagers in the back of a car and I'm like "I need to BREATHE, man!")

I think that every couple comes across a kissing style snag once in a while. Creativity will hopefully be a key to enhancing the menu.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:36 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

It's me. I am the guilty one.

I do not want more than a peck.

My husband likes to kiss and while he is kissing me, my mind wanders until I stumble upon an unpleasant memory.

I keep meaning to improve. I hadn't thought of it as an intimacy issue, but you could be right in our case.


Posts: 463 | Registered: Oct 2009
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Jrazz--This isn't a post-A thing. Earlier this week a memory floated up from decades ago where his mother had mentioned how when you get kissed by those big lips (his dad had big lips as well) that you KNOW you've been kissed. I remember thinking even then--nah, not so much.

If I do mention it then he's better for a day or two but I'm TOTALLY jealous of your makeout sessions!

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 1:45 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Loved Me--do you think you have intimacy issues or is your wandering mind a post-A thing?


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

We tend to give quick kisses on a day to day basis, but there are a lot of them.

I can usually cajole H out of a "mood" by being playful/flirty and longer kisses work well in this instance. For example, I'll "manhandle him" by grabbing his shirt and stealing a good solid kiss.
He does similar with me (catch me around the waist in passing and plants a good one).
Its always that much nicer because it is unexpected.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6380 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I'm sorry for the T/J!!! The title made me think of Mallrats!!!

Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

T/j over

For me, it totally depends on the situation. I like to surprise my wife before work sometimes with a long, slow kiss where a peck would be more time-appropriate...but most of the time I'm ok with a smooch/peck during the normal course of the day.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.

Posts: 2039 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I like both and it depends on what we are doing. But, to be honest. I am the kisser and he is not. I am the hugger and he is not. I am the hand holder and he is not. I am the cuddle dud and he is not.

He likes to pat the ass all the time.. Says that is how he shows love.

WOW, I don't get crap! Would that be consider intimacy issue?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

When I get the peck and I want more, I have two strategies.

1. I say, "whad am I, yah mothah?"

2. I grab him by his shirt from and kiss him proper.

I also just told him straight up, "I really, really like it when you take a moment to just kiss me a bit more purposely." We have an agreement than whenever one of us comes home to the other, we go to the other and kiss them welcome. So we get lots of practice.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

We have an agreement than whenever one of us comes home to the other, we go to the other and kiss them welcome. So we get lots of practice.

I wish I had that. I love that however. Good for you.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 19 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"!

Posts: 2661 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I'm TOTALLY jealous of your makeout sessions!

I really shouldn't have come off as complaining, and I didn't mean to rub it in your face. Honestly, it can be a bit too much sometimes but I am grateful that he's that interested too.

Peace, is it at all possible to just pin him down? Has he said that he doesn't want to kiss like that, or are you just waiting for him to do it? I know about the 1-2x followthrough and then not much after program. With kissing, I think it's more about what you do while you're there than who started it.

Just thinking out loud. You said you "soften [your] kisses" hoping he will follow suit. If he's never said that he doesn't like intense kissing, maybe you just need to launch a full scale attack.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

I like Rebreather's approach:

When I get the peck and I want more, I have two strategies.
1. I say, "whad am I, yah mothah?"

2. I grab him by his shirt from and kiss him proper.

Obviously I need to get A LOT more direct with my H. We do kiss often, it's just rarely an intense kiss. He does have to reciprocate, though, if I'm going to kiss him proper or I just end up getting his lips slobbery. Yeah, that has happened.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Sigh. I don't know, PeaceLove...maybe I have the intimacy issues, now.

My husband has always liked kissing, but he was never too good at it. I am being honest.

Then, all of a sudden, he was GREATLY improved. This was before D Day. It made me pause and I thought, "Hmmmm. Something is different...Finally, he has caught on, after all of these years! Yay me!"

I'd always TRIED to help him with his technique and had been trying since we were TEENS!

I am sad to say, that I think the OW was his ultimate teacher...This "knowledge" breaks my heart and I don't want his kisses now.

I've never voiced this. EVER. I don't
know what I'm going to do with this newfound admission for myself, but I am happy you brought it up.


Posts: 463 | Registered: Oct 2009
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

For us, it's really about variety. Often, it's just a peck. Other times, it's multiple pecks in a row (with some smiles in between) or one gentle kiss or a longer, more involved :) kiss. And there is MUCH, MUCH touching. That's his love language and it doesn't just mean sex. He's always needed to touch--and not just erogenous zones. It's playing with my hair, hugging me, rubbing my arm, running his hand up my leg, etc.

Really, as you know, everyone is different. But you want more from him and that's legit. So you need some strategies. I'm not sure I can give you ones that'll lead to long, slow kisses. But there might be some sweet, natural-feeling ideas to get him to give more affection.

When I want more, I tell him. My husband likes light and flirty, so all I have to do (when I want more than the peck) is to say, "Is that all?" Or "That was just what I needed right now--except more of it," and start a longer kiss. Or just ask, "More, please," and purse my lips. Or, "Mmmmm, that was delicious. More?" Or simply pull his head back down and give him a bunch of pecks all over his face (tip of his nose included). If he's sitting on the couch and I'm leaving for something, I might give a quick peck, then follow up with another to his forehead. If he's giving me a hug, I like to kiss him under his chin. There are so many ways to create more intimacy.

Do any of those sound like they'd work for you? Getting longer, slower kisses might be a long-term goal with more frequency/variety of the other kind a means to an end. Good luck!

If you can get him to read something about it, I can suggest a book whose author/methodology is pretty reviled here (for some good reasons) but whose book "His Needs, Her Needs" has two great chapters that are eye-opening. One is for women to read about their husband's need for sex. One is for men to read about their wife's need for affection. I think there is A LOT of wisdom in those two chapters.

:)


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

LovedMeSomeóIím sorry if my question brought up some unhappy thoughts but I definitely understand how you feel. My first thought is that you should tell your H how you feel, but that would mean admitting to him that he was previously lacking in the kissing department and of course he will feel uncomfortable with that assessment. Still, I think itís worth a shot. Itís natural to resent the source of his newfound kissing skills and thereís no reason why you should bear the burden alone. I was quiet too often in our marriage and Iím still learning to speak up for myself.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 637 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
staystrong101
Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

This was a problem in our M. My XWH, married 24 years, was a terrible kisser. Terrible. I tried to talk to him about it, show him how to kiss, etc. I think it was an intimacy issue and kissing was too personal for him. Also he was usually drunk, which was another issue. He would smash his mouth on me and breathe right in my face. I think you can tell a lot about a person and how they feel about you by the way they kiss.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

It made me pause and I thought, "Hmmmm. Something is different...

Lovedmesomehim, I have a similar experience, only in reverse.
XWH and I married at 18yrs of age. I'd always enjoyed kissing him and he/we had great technique together.
Fast forward 15+ years (and multiple OW later), when I thought we were in yet another round of R.
He started doing this "dead fish" thing with his tongue when we kissed. Basically his tongue would just be sitting in my mouth like a lump- No movement or anything. Needless to say, it was a huge turn off.
That was a major clue that something wasn't right, but I dismissed it at the time.
Ugh!


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - R looks possible..

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6380 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Personally, when things weren't great with ex-asshat, kissing was one of the first things to go. It was totally an intimacy thing... that and I didn't feel safe with him like I was supposed to.

That's the reverse of your sitch, though... do you think he maybe feels some A guilt and that's holding him back? Or has this always been an issue?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15383 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

lovedmesomehim--I'd tell him. You could say, that he kissed different and you liked it, and now you are sad and kinda grossed out. And you guys can be sad together for a bit and then maybe that will help you.

Peace--Although mostly we do lots of kissing and groping (our poor kids ) he is distracted sometimes and I have to say--I want a real kiss. We have a thing now where we make out a little before he leaves for work. It started as a connection thing before he went off to the scene of the crime where OW still works. Now it's a routine. Maybe you could start a routine every day like that?

"whad am I, yah mothah?" love it.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8811 | Registered: Jan 2008
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Years ago (pre affair) wh and I had the habit of kissing for a full 15-20 seconds. We started by setting the timer. It doesn't sound like much time, but it is amazing how much kissing you can get in in 15-20 seconds.

Now --- eh.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jan 2013
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Feeling so very, very single.

This thread is making me want to go find some random guy and see how they kiss. Or maybe a poll of several random guys...

<<< ---French kiss, anyone??


I'm kidding. Mostly. Sort of. Maybe.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 750 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

With ex, it ended up being pecks, and it was just the hello/goodbye variety. Way back in the beginning, it had been different, but time and lack of effort put into the relationship...yeah, even pre-A and divorce, it wasn't the best of marriages...

However, with my SO, we sneak in the good kind of kisses whenever we can, and do pecks when we have to, ya know, 'cause we're all adult-like and have to behave in public. Seriously, both SO and I have been through divorces, and it's important to both of us that we make, and keep, our relationship a priority. We "behave" when we have to, but one of the things we both learned is to enjoy the moment, and each other. And really, it's not like we're groping each other in public. We love each other, and it really shows when we're together, that's all.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
wannabenormal
Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

For me, passionate in private but quick & loving in public.

I'm just not a big PDA person. Nothing wrong with it, just not me.



Posts: 14343 | Registered: Jun 2008
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Always pecks; mostly hello and goodbye but sometimes randomly also.

XH and I haven't kissed the way I'd like in years and years (even before A).

I've mentioned it to him but to no avail.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2100 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

We did very little French missing pre-affair. French kissing was one kiss when we had sex which wasn't often. When I confronted him on d-day he admitted he kissed her for about 30 seconds. As someone said 20 seconds is a pretty long kiss. Anyway it took about three weeks before he and I kissed passionately. I told him after that I expected French kisses a lot. I have been getting them ever since. You know my husband didn't sleep with her but the fact that they had an intimate kiss kills me just the same.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
LifeIsTooWeird
Member
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I have this thing about full lips but I never realized it before. One day, a few years back, I made an off hand comment about my BFs thin lips, it wasn't a rude comment, just an observation and maybe a subconscious suggestion that he work on his kissing skills. It's not that I didn't enjoy kissing him at the time, it just seems like the fuller the lips, the better the kiss was. It's weird now thinking back on that comment, because he actually did take it to heart and the kisses did get better after that, which is probably why I didn't think much about it afterwards. The point is, comments like that could of been viewed by him as he's not adequate enough for me, and me not acknowledging his kissing got better was probably viewed as nothing has changed for me. I really need to work on spitting out stupid comments that might hurt his feelings, because I don't oftentimes consider how the little things I say are perceived. Anyway, last night we shared a kiss that was unlike any that we've shared in a couple of years. It was hot and it felt wonderful. I will be sure to tell him this.


Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
ncharge
Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 7th (Friday)


I want longer, more passionate kisses, too. I love kissing. WH's kisses are pecks, or very soft and gentle and don't last long. I have told him I want more. I'm working on it. I really, really need more kissing with more heat in it.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Feb 2014
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Like many things pre-Dday I was dissatisfied with this in our M. I had spoken to my H but had given up. I would occasionally complain about the "peck". It does help me believe there wasn't much kissing during the A. It wasn't uncommon for sex to have no kissing.

Afterwards it seems as if he had been listening, he was just too selfish to work on it. Now we have hello, goodbye, goodnight and anytime make out sessions. He has developed into an awesome kisser!

I believe that the difference is he has opened up, embraced intimacy and has seen how great giving and being connected can be.

But for the life of me I was unable to teach him that before.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
hurtingfool
Member
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, March 7th (Friday)

sorry for t/j a bit

Reading this thread, I've had a bit of a revelation. Not a big one, and it takes faith in believing part of what my WW told me, but it's something I've probably already knew.

Part of it leads into one of the reasons I've hated myself. Things I was changing. I've always liked long kissing, my issues made it so WW didn't. When she was with OM, that was all she really wanted she said. Was to make out. Of course, that led to more.

Now, I still like long kisses, my issues from before aren't there, but knowing that this is what got her started, I have to really fight my thoughts. I've tried to keep her eyes open, to make sure she knew who she was with. That doesn't help as he mentioned how much he loved her eyes, I used to do this as well . I think of how she kisses me now, which isn't much different from before and think it was due to him.

Now I am off for a bit to get the images out of my mind, that is enough dwelling for now.


Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
MoonLitSmile
Member
Member # 24746
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

We used to kiss all of the time, now not so much. Of course, three kids and work puts a cramp in that but still...I absolutely love to just kiss but not so much lately. FWH tries to initiate it and sometimes I let him but most of the time I don't- I still have those pesky mind movies popping in at the wrong times. At least he's trying. I have hope that we'll get back to where we were one of these days...


Me- 40
FWH- 40 recovering SA

Her- 43, a self-centered bitch concerned with no one but herself

DDay- July 13, 2013

Back off man- I'm a scientist!
~ Dr. Peter Venkman


Posts: 720 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Southeastern PA
Topic Posts: 30