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User Topic: Wow. Just...wow! ▶long
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Married 26 years (T 27)
10/3/12 Husband gives me ILYBNILWY speech, moves out 3 days later.
Still separated, now living together ( after 13 mos. APART weekdays/living together as H& W weekends). He got laid off long distance job 1/14 after 16 years & moved back home.

3 days after moving home suspicions about COW were just too much to take (10,000 texts in one month & multiple phone calls per day.. plus he called HER about the layoff FIRST). I confronted & he admitted they slept together & " it was over a long time ago" & "they are just friends".
I called BS on that. I told him I wanted D. He agreed he did too. I tossed him out of our bedroom.
He BLAMED ME for the affair...I "pushed him away", " he hasn't been happy for years", " he's weak". No remorse since. He did try to apologize but included the above reasons, so I told him to STFU.

I saw an attorney. Our house is underwater, He lost his job, I've been a SAHM since 1987.
I have physical issues due to RA arthritis & am slightly physically disabled. I suffer panic attacks & social anxiety. Husband has life threatening medical issues since birth.

I've been loyal our entire marriage. .. doting wife.I considered us best friends & we had a good life overall. Yes, we faced challenges and imperfections... but nothing I saw as unworkable. Others have Todd new they saw us as VERY compatible. ..a "good fit".

Everything was going along fine until we purchased our house after a job relo. That's where he met all new friends. Divorcing or recently divorced Co Workers. Including the OW. She is a "lesbian" married for 11 years to her wife. They co own a home about 20 minutes from ours. I've visited their home. My birthday party was there after we recently moved here. She told my husband he was "offs limits" ( makes me wonder WTF the conversation was) "because of me". Looks like she changed her mind.
I have no details other than that they had sex. ..I don't know when, but I'm placing it STARTING between MAY '12 & April '13. They are still in contact & in fact, I BELIEVE (but can not prove) that they were together this past Monday (3 days ago).
He left to"go to Home Depot" & didn't return for 4.5 hours. HD is 10 min. from our house. He came back quiet, nervous & south's not LOOK AT ME the rest of the evening.
I know this guy too well. That's GUILT. Just so happens former COW lives close by and is unemployed too. Her wife works all day. I hear her wife won't even SPEAK to my H... She hates him. Suspects something. I'm in the process of getting her info so I can talk to her.
This whole thing is a nightmare. The L told me to "reconcile" because financially I'm pretty screwed right now.
I have NO support IRL.
My dad is older & in poor health. He has no room for myself& my dogs.
My life was him & my kids. The kids are " Switzerland" & don't want to talk about it.
I can't afford IC. I've been trying to get a job for 1.5 years. Nothing!
I feel so totally alone & lost.
I did take 1/2 the money from our joint account when our tax refund came through & his final paycheck. This PISSED him off even though I paid all the bills first, before taking 1/2. He said I had no right to steal his money. In did this because I lived off $100 personal/gas/grocery money a month the entire time we were separated.
He then took the other half, abd switched his direct deposit. I've not seen another penny since. With unemployment & severance he's making $1000 more a month being off work, than he was when working. He insists I use the money I took to pay half the bills. I'm down now to under $1000. Less than 1/4 what he's bringing in a MONTH now.
I'm stuck with nowhere to go, no job, no money, no friends or family.
I've seriously considered opting out.
But I can't do that to my kids, or my dogs (2 are special needs).
My heart is utterly shattered. He looks at me with cold anger. He's mad " I brought this up nown while he's dealing with the layoff". After all, That's 16 years of his life wasted.
Like I said. . No remorse.
Btw- he's still trying to sleep with me!!
The thought makes me nauseous.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, March 6th (Thursday)

Sorry for the weird typos, formatting & Autocorrect stuff. I'm posting from my phone & editing is giving me trouble!


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, March 7th (Friday)

More I've thought of...

He's said to our daughter, when she confronted him about HER having to buy the gas/groceries , for the most part, this last year here at the house (on PT min. wage while he made $32 hr FT)... because "I'm tired of responsibility, I just want to have fun now".

This is the guy who was pretty darn dedicated to our family prior? He loved the house we bought, took pride of ownership. Bought me a hot tub for my arthritis... built a custom self designed deck so I could get in& out of it easily. Now I'm out there TRYING to mow the lawns do they don't look like garbage. He's so different. Doesn't do a thing here! Sits in his chair, waiting on his plated dinner to be served to him (I've always done this, but reset the he'll out if it right now). Then he takes the plate& sets it on the counter after I've cleaned the kitchen, despite the empty dishwasher. So annoying.
Tonight he's upset I wouldn't give him a massage.
He honestly thinks I can find out he's had/ having an affair....and will still sleep with him?
I told him to see a L. Get a reality check.
He honestly believes daughter & I will cover the full mortgage after he refis the house (with no buy out cash to me)... lol, not possible w/ current income. No alimony to me. He'll live in an apartment close by. He MIGHT be able to "help us" with the mortgage "If we can't cover it all with a roommate".

This is the perfect scenario on his mind. "We" can keep our dogs this way (imperative to me)... daughter will be close by fur him to visit ( same daughter he's virtually ignored the last year). He & I can be "friends" , we'll " all be happier".

Stupid Skittle shitting unicorns!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 1:22 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Hi, damnUnicorns, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you find yourself here. Have you read the articles in the Healing Library?

Your husband is acting like a complete a$$. Taking no responsibility for anything. Is it possible he is suffering from depression? Has he seen a doctor? Not excusing his affair behavior at all, but his lack of motivation to take care of himself/the house, treatment of your daughter, could be a sign of depression.

In any event, the affair IS NOT your fault.

I'd let the wife of the OW know what has been going on, especially if she is already suspicious. Exposing an affair is the best way to end it.

BTW, your husband does not get to decide what he will give you if you divorce....it's up to the courts.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do NOTHING for this man. Why are you still cooking his meals when he is treating you like crap? No sex, no massages, laundry, nothing. Let him get a little glimpse into his new life.

Right now do your best to take care of you, your children, and your dogs. Read about the 180 and implement it immediately. Show him how strong you are and you will make it with or without him.


Posts: 7389 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 7th (Friday)

What an ass. Time to stop waiting hand and foot on this creep; Draw up a set of rules that favor you and your kids and stick to them. No sex, cleaning up after him and behaving like a wife submitting to a abusive husband.

You are being too nice; avoid direct confrontation, tell him nothing and start to plan your way out of this mess.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I agree, the days of his being served dinner and not cleaning up after himself are over. It's hard because you're stuck there financially...but you cans till detach. There is a 'faq for bs' in the yellow healing library box in the upper left corner of the site that has a list of '180' rules to help you focus on yourself.


((((hugs))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3770 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Thanks for the responses! I'm trying to be nice because he is still paying the mortgage & isn't pushing us to move atm... and I'm trying not to additionally stress pour our daughter who's definitely feeling caught in the middle
.
I have done several 180s over the last year & 1/2, but until recently they were all with an eye toward reconciliation. I lost weight ( 60 pounds, I'm so sick from this whole thing), tried to watch my pessimistic attitude & improve my outlook, tried to do more around the house since he had issue with my housekeeping, looked for a job, sought counseling while I could (the group closed. Bummer since it was only $10 week). Stopped asking him about our relationship (I begged & pleaded off and on the first 3 months. He was cold as ice add reaction to that).

My newest 180s are that he can not touch me, I do not eat with him & I only make dinner now (I used to make everything from snacks to 3 meals a day from scratch), I'm very " cool" most of the time. I dint talk to him about anything other than chit chat anymore. I try to leave the house alone now whether I always used to ask him along, sonce - I - thought we enjoyed eachother's company.
I should say that has not been an ass the entire time. Until an argument in Dec. (The one and only in over a year) we were getting along great & he sect me a text doubt he " thought wet were on a good path". Then The argument (our dogs got in a fight & the largest injured the other two... everyone was hysterical & he wanted my favorite dog put to sleep immediately. I said, " No way! ! Im love her & this is fixable! I'll find someplace to go with her. I'm not giving up on her. I have looked at a place our of state anyway!!"). Well, ever since then he definitely changed back to cold towards me & picked up his communication with OW. He told me on DDay that I loved the dogs more than him, and that that argument changed his mind back to wanting a divorce.
Hypocritical much?

On Dday I said, " So you would expect me to overlook an affair to get back together. .. but you can't overlook a hysterical outburst while a huge unusual trauma is going on ( I immediately calmed down, took care of the injuries & called out trainer for advice & a plan. I implemented it without much help & the situation with the dogs has vastly improved ).

Anyway, YES, I believe he is depressed. I've asked him to go to IC & MC abd he refused. He doesn't need to pay someone to air his dirty laundry. In fact, He was really mad I went to IC for awhile.
He was depressed over a super demanding job, Then from moving & having to couch surf since we couldn't afford a second place, now because he's lost his job. I was willing to stand by him through this layoff just like I have though everything else. But I ended up confronting in an emotional moment ( I'm working on not being so reactive. Definitely something I need to 180). I suspected them & when I found out he called HER while I was out running an errand fur him, I just take the disrespect anymore. I fully wanted a D in that moment.
Now not so much. I still don't know I'd I fully want to R, but I did think we had a good life until we moved & three new people became so all important.
Btw- the OW was in a straight marriage for several years & had adult children/ grandkids. She then switched teams...apparently till MY H came along.
I'm just so crushed. He's treating me like I'm the one who caused all this... abd while I admit I was far from the perfect wife , and definitely cause problems with my health/ depression/ negativity. ..I never looked outside our marriage. I neverthought he would either.

His parents were married 46 years before his dad passed away. His brothers were cheated on & he still to this day talks badly about those women. I told him on D day that HE IS the same as them. He didn't like that much, but accepted it silently.
I guess the COW is what he's always wanted that I am not.
Professional, bubbly, fun (likes to drink. We never did due to health & alcoholic family tendencies), social butterfly.
She's confident & outgoing. She had her stomach stapled a few years ago & lost several hundred pounds. She's still bigger than me ( I'm " a big girl" ,not huge) & he's always complained about me not being smaller street having the kids. Her theme song is 'Sexy & I know it'.
She loves dancing & dressing up for Renaissance Fairs. She's totally into Zombie Apocalypse.
Guess what I hear a lot about now. These things are SO not me. I can barely listen it's so stupid. Lol

But yes, I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. I thought I was at least going to have money to file & get food/gas/hotel for a couple of weeks. .. but that's now dwindling.
Because he lost his job the L said try to reconcile until finances improve. Then I'll be entitled to decent alimony. My worry is his 401k. He lost the job so it'll cash out. The plan WAS to pay off all of our bills pretty much using it up. Now I'm worried he won't pay mine. They ate already in collections since he stopped paying them when he left. We got some credit cards in my name so is have credit. .. but that's now ruined. So is his because of the last year& a half. Let's just say that RIGHT NOW he has over $400 cash in his pocket.
I gave my last $1 cash to the Veterans collection box yesterday. I gotta stop doing that stuff. I can't afford it anymore.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Again. Sorry for so many typos & auto correct. My phone is my only internet source atm. Trying to edit is hell on this thing!

I've been reading SI since Dday & everyone else's stories are what is keeping me sane (a little anyway).
I have also read some of the healing library & need to get myself to the Public Library as well!

Until a Dday I was following Michele Weiner Davis' marriage plan. Not sure if I can outright mention it here, so I won't.



Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 7th (Friday)

The lawyer is giving good advice; just hang on until you can get alimony from WH. The collection agencies can zero in on him as well and as long as you are married you have some 'protection' against debts.

Let him file for divorce and do the hard work. Just be passive, say nothing and wait. The marriage does seem to be in dire peril as long as he is obsessed with the OW, but since he won't listen to reason [common WS observation!] what can you do?

Just keep posting. Its comforting to know others care. Also reading other posts can give you ideas on how to deal with your situation.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Thank you Ok Now. It really does help to have someone to "talk to". I'm VERY lonely.

Yes, I'm trying to just hang in there. It's hard with him contacting her (100s of texts daily & disappearing for hours). But I really have no choice. It's slowly killing me. My BP was so high the other day they threatened to admit me to the hospital. I have chronic health concerns. This so isn't helping!

I'm also kicking myself. I should have never confronted him. Our made things worse here , I have no access to money now AND I still have to deal with him talking to her. I can't believe I honestly believes he'd be sorry & realize what he'd be losing.

I see now how stupid it was of me to not cultivate friends/work/education outside my M. Especially after the first affair. Now I'm paying the price for believing him when he said, " I could never do that to you again. I never want to see that look on your face ever again" ( in 2002).

I come from an abusive, alcoholic "family". My mom died when I was 10 from lung cancer. My dad immediately (3 months) remarried his AP. They had a baby & divorced 2 years later. That was it for my "family" other than an older half -brother I adored who walked away without a second glance when my dad remarried. My dad's second wife (23... He was 44 ) blamed their divorce on me. She didn't want to"share" my dad with me.

I have so many hurts to work on. I desperately need counseling.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 11:15 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 7th (Friday)

((((hugs))))

Take comfort in knowing that while you have many emotional injuries to sort through...you are willing to do the work. To get IC and figure yourself out, to expand your world until you have a rich life of friends and interests...that's what it means to be capable of growth and learning from your experiences. You can still become a better, more full person, it's up to you to seize the opportunity! It's always possible to rebuild and have a healthy life even if you can't get your WH to do the same. His loss!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3770 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Thank you Nora. Yes. Lots to work on. I'm trying to break free of the fear & depression and branch out. I have many interests: dog obedience training, gourmet cooking, customizing cars, trout fishing, reading, etc.
I'm just going to have to learn to do these things without WH.
I'M definitely willing to do the work. I just need to press myself on stepping out of the comfort zone WHILE also hurting terribly & being disrespected by someone I adored( & allowed to have too much of my life's focus, undeservedly).

I'll get there eventually. One day at a time. Keep telling myself this is all new (the A confirmation) & not to freak out.
I week get past this heart sick terror.
I have to.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 11:28 AM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Ugh. He just left the house to "have lunch with the guys from work".
Sucks that I don't believe it for a second.
I'm pretty positive she's the "guy" & the lunch. This hurts so bad.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, March 7th (Friday)

All you can do is grit your teeth and hold on. After a while you won't care if he 'lunches' with all of the Dallas cheerleaders. Just as long as he doesn't touch you.

Does Mr. control freak 'permit' you to have a credit card or is that also denied?


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Lol on the Dallas Cheerleaders.

For awhile I had 3 credit cards that were maxed out. Now they are in collections. They haven't been paid since he left in Oct. 12.
We just couldn't afford it once he left.
I could never get past a interview without experience & with obvious physical limitations in order to earn money to pay them.
Sigh.

I was wondering what people's take is. Perspective & advice appreciated...
both he (& my daughter ) say he's technically free to date. We are separated, and both said that I should have "seen this coming" or "it was a long time coming". Wow.
(Excuse me for loving my husband & wanting to believe the best if him. So shoot me)!

I feel we are married until the divorce is signed & official ( we have ZERO legal paperwork filed).
Am I out of line considering this cheating considering we spent every weekend the entire S together & continued a sexual relationship?
He texted a few months ago that he was thinking we were on a "good path". To me that's leading me on, if he's also sleeping with someone else & spending the week with her (told me he was staying with friends) while working away from home.

Although separated we continued to hang out, eat, go to movies, do home projects, take day trips, & text daily (all day/ most evenings). Basically he's used me for companionship & sex while detaching and moving on. Leaving me attached to him, with hope things would work out.

F*cked up, if you ask me!
I just don't get the level of cruelty. I never purposefully hurt him(although I know I did with my depression & anger overt my illness & years of misdiagnosis)
How is it so easy for him to try & destroy me , treat me as if I'm insignificant/disposable?
Especially when he wad cheated on one & STILL isn't over it (his first love in highschool, & I swear I've seen more emotion out of him talking about that break up to me, than OURS. THEY dated 6 months! ).
I just DO NOT get it. I really, really don't.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 3:38 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Of course he's a cheat; more than that he is a selfish cheat who only considers his own needs. Also a consummate liar.

Your debts are his debts so I would be inclined not to rush into divorce until you are back on sound financial footing. In fact I would refuse to sign any divorce decree and slow down the process. Anything to help you survive and frustrate the adulterous pair. Hopefully your daughter will side with you on most issues.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Yes, it's cruel and senseless to be misled.

The best thing you can do is detach in the way he is. Not by finding someone else, but by stopping all the 'couple' activities. It's the only way you can protect yourself from being hurt by his continuing the A. I'm sorry this is the situation you're in .


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3770 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Hugs to everyone. Thanks for the replies!
I don't want to file. He wants this. .. He can do the work. My main
fear is my own emotional health. .. which is precarious atm.

I really do not recognize the person he's become. Even towards his own mother.

(**Saw you posted as I wrote the following, Nora).

Today we went to Sam's club. I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy& my hands do not have much strength, so I rarely shop alone (my doc says I may need a caregiver in as little as 3 years. My joints are all fusing together & I'm losing muscle strength).
I picked up 5 pounds of cheese & struggled to not drop it. He usually carries everything for me. I handed it to him & he says, "Why you giving this to me to hold? It's yours". He carried it out anyway, but I had to pay for it from the small $ I have. He also perused the beer & said he should buy a huge case if it & a carton of smokes. Annoying since he has significant heart & liver problems. But i know OW drinks & smokes...(we rarely ever drank & he had quit smoking 18 years ago). It's like he's reveling in freedom,rubbing it in... as if just being married meant he had no choice or freedom. Weird. He was always the one with the "cool wife" ( i like cars, motorcycles, pool table, man caves, fishing, eyc).And hurtful because he knows these are MORE bad choices. He's free to do as he wishes, always has been. I say nothing now. Yes, before I probably would have commented he didn't need that garbage. I am very careful not to say ANYTHING about what he does now. I act add I'd i don't notice. He's only hurting himself & our kids (if it were to hasten his health deterioration).
After this weirdness we went outside & he bought me a rubber duckie from the Veterans stand because he knows I like rubber duckies & donating to the Vets
( I'm getting a duckie tattoo someday, it represents one of my dogs, who loves to swim).. He also gave me $20 abd said go get something you want to eat & I'll BBQ dinner.
Funny, eh?
The man is confused... & confusing!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 6:56 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I really sorry you are here (((((damnUnicorns)))))

I hate to be the 2/4 but he's treating you like you are number 2 and you seem to be going along with it. that's just not acceptable imho. You should be number one and nothing less.

i'm saying a prayer for you and i hope things get better soon. When you get through this you will be an emotional supper woman!


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Thanks Phantom. I know it. I just don't know what to do to change it.
I mean I know, but implementing it in my sitch is going to be hard ( I realize it's always hard, for everyone).

I just wish I had family so I had someplace safe & loving to go. That would change things so much for me right now.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 9:19 PM, March 7th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

Did I miss this part or can you not file for disability?


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2081 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I don't qualify because I have only worked outside the home for about 2.5 years when I was 19/20.



Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Ouch. Got up this morning & he wanted sex. I already avoided that yesterday.. then rebuffed him again this morning after he crawled into bed with me. Today it Pissed him off!

So, now he wants me to pack up my stuff. .. go move in with my dad/brother& his family (where there is NO room& my dogs aren't welcome).

He's also threatening to walk away & never work again to avoid alimony. I took 1/2 our tax refund and opened my own account the day I confronted. He's beside himself I STOLE his money like that. So today he says I have to pay 1/2 the bills till that money is gone, them move because I can't support myself here unless I get a job. I will see NO MORE money from him, he's sick of supporting my lazy ass :(
I'm not getting any of the 401k either, He says (he plans to pay bills with it. .. same as my plan).
I told him I didn't file because they will automatically freeze any cashing of the 401k until the divorce is final . Plus we'd need a $500+ QDRO.
Told him alimony is roughly 40% of his income as soon as I file & ask for support. That I hadn't filed because I wad trying to not lock down finances since he lost his job. He says I will not get ANOTHER DIME.

This scared me because his brother walked away from his wife/5 kids &never worked again to avoid child support. He's homeless to this day, 20 years later. Luckily she had an excellent career & education and huge family to help her. She remarried & had what appears to be a great life after.
I don't have those advantages.

Then he accused ME of cheating when I leave for hours (I've left 2x in the month to go grocery shopping? ).
I how this is just a tantrum.

He also said I should file since this is "apparently what I want".
I Said all of this is a nightmare & I don't WANT and of it... But that he didn't want me, doesn't love me, & had told me he found someone he likes screwing better.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 1:23 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Honey, call a women's shelter. He's abusive. They will help you AND get you legal aid. Please call.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Jun 2007
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

My cars transmission is on its last leg.. So I'm stuck within half hour of home. My son& dad live two hours away otherwise I'd go visit them instead if being stuck in the house together all day like this.
But I have closets to sort (another thing he threw at me. He's been tiling the floors.I physically can't help). I have done nothing to "help him" get the house ready for sale. Last I heard he was keeping it... And yes, I've not done anything towards moving, I've been just trying to simply exist.
But I do needed to start getting everything together.

This is so hard.
Daughter just got made manager at her job...she can't afford rent on her own tho. So now she too doesn't know where she's going to go. If she'll have to give up her job (she's got no savings either, had to pay the house bulls here while he lived away the last year& 1/2).

WH & OW are so selfish. So many lives disrupted. Two families worth. So much worked for thrown away. So much for achieving the dream of homeownership. That lasted 4 years (this April 1).

Funny how "miserable" he was ( for 10 years or more now apprently) but he had the opportunity to leave 4 years ago when we bought this house/his job relocated the first time.
He had the chance to leave when he had his first affair... we lived at my dad's house then. I could have just stayed there & he could have moved on.
The truth is he wasn't miserable til he started putting it to her & started listening to his newly divorced friends tell him how "it's hard. But you get over it. Everyone will be happier".
Some friends.
27 years & this is what it boils down to?
I was boring, lazy(he doesn't think taking care of a home, 5 people's every need, & raising kids/taking care of my elderly dad w/colon cancer& low blood sugar is "work"). Says I never cared for him, didn't stand behind him through good times or job losses/family deaths/tragedies/SEVERAL YEARS of near death illnesses all the while being sick & in pain (& misdiagnosed) myself.
How f#cked up is that?

* okay. I see why you'd say to try a shelter. I AM being emotionally (& now financially) abused. Guess I'm just used to it. .. not that it makes it easier to swallow. Shouldn't say used to it. Should say it's what i expect.
I just keep hoping the guy i THOUGHT he was would come back. Honestly it's weird. He bounces between livid & distant but taking/acting "normalish".
Just now he came in from the garage & wad telling me about putting together his new saw. Then told me to come look at it & talking to me about building a fire since I mentioned being chilly (nerves).
Then I walked back into the house.
That's why I'm staying& not doing anything drastic. The lawyer says to just hang in there& try to reconcile , at least until finances are better. That leaves me guilty tho. I'm not into using people. Being fake. Especially for financial gain. But it's obvious he's nit going to do the honest thing. I'm so conflicted. I know I'm setting myself up to get totally screwed too. If he takes that money & doesn't pay "my" bills (cards we got in my name since his credit was maxed out.. used totally for our household , years ago, that he's now claiming to know nothing about) & spends it..omg. I can't even think about it. But then my mind says (& he also geeks) it's HIS money, HE earned it . Why do I get it?
But he shouldn't just walk away either.
My head is spinning. I just want to crawl into bed. .. But I have to go start separating ask our stuff. He's painting walls & installing new baseboard.
I can't believe our home, his dream, is going to be up for sale soon. All the neighbors will know my husband didn't find me of any value. .. our families all will know I'm so humiliated.

I wonder if this is MID LIFE CRISIS & he's got a hormone imbalance?
I dunno. But I REALLY need to start detaching I'm much less attached than I used to be. . But I'm so co dependant/ attached/ terrified of what's going to happen it's not funny.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

The fact that he's doing the occasional nice thing is pretty horrible, actually. It makes it much harder to detach. It's confusing. Psychologically also we are willing to work much harder for random unpredictable rewards.

The nice stuff, from this guy, is fake and evil and self serving. He can't empathize with you. He wouldn't be able to if he wanted to.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

the person you are waiting for is gone,,,,,he is never coming back.....you need to go somewhere for your safety....this will get worst....he only wants to be with the other woman and he resents you for being there....he wants you gone...see your lawyer...but you need to get out of there.....he is in such a fog about ow that he can become do angry at you and something can happen to your well being....your life is so much more important than all of this drama,,,,you can find a way to get out,and do not inform him where you are ,only your lawyer,,,,,,please take care of you

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Thank you for the replies. I think I know in my head a lot of this is true, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.
My heart really, really doesn't want to believe.

I always feared he would die... this is so much worse.

Unfortunately, I have no lawyer. I'll have to do pro se with help from legal aide.
I managed to take $2500 on confrontation day. Between severance & unemployment he's bringing in overt $5000 mo.
I've been the only one buying groceries, dog food, gas,dog shots
(+ 1/2 the bills etc.) This past month
I'm now under $1000 & bills are all due again. He wants me to pay 1/2 again until my money is all gone, as he feels I had no right to any of it on the first place
. That will be next week sometime.
I refuse to pay the last $500. It's $435 to file , so I'm keeping that amount & enough fur a tank of gas & a meal. Just in case the shit his the fan & I'm FORCED to leave the house (lawyer says do not leave unless I'm not physically safe, which I am. ☆I had a free consultation)

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 6:30 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I like your user name..

((((Unicorns))))

Your entitled a$$ of a WH does not get to decide to kick you out of the house..You are entitled to interest in the house, unless he owned it before you dated and married..

He tries to kick you out don't leave..He gets physically abusive, call the police and take advantage of witnesses if you have them..This can get HIM kicked out of the house ..You would be able to get a restraining order.. Until you got the RO you could tell your local police department that your WH (once he is out of the house) is harassing you..

I forgot to ask you, when you spoke to the L who encouraged you to R, did he or she have any idea what kind of money your WH is bringing in? ( doesn't matter the source of money either ) ..

I have been doing plenty of reading up to help my sitch ..I read that someone who has been working within the last year or so, cannot claim that he or she is unable to work (unless or until this person has a disabling injury certified by a doctor )..The judge would call bullshit on this person trying to get out of CS or alimony..

I agree with the others, hard 180..

I am in similar shoes as you except breadwinner status is reversed, I have been the main breadwinner who has the modest pension..I am almost 60 yrs old..

Lawyers also encouraged me to R saying that it would be difficult to live in 1/2 of my pension, especially if I had to move and start over somewhere else..

I don't do anything for my WH..

I think you would be much better off than you think in a D, same for me...

Fear is the thing that paralyzes us..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:13 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

THANKS for the Hugs doggie diva! I need them. Btw- I love YOUR user name. (I have a Great Dane and two Dobies. The Dobies are both rescued. That's why I'm holding onto them so tight, despite it complicating my own living situation).

I'm glad you are the breadwinner, But sad you will lose 1/2 to a wayward. :(
I hope you're situation improves.I'm sorry you are hurting too. :(


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Unicorns, I added a little more to my post..We were cross posting :-)

I like the advice of OK now, but know that you may not be as screwed financially (in the long run ) as you think..

When your situation does go to divorce and settlement, please take lump sums of money whenever that is an option...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:19 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Diva, she saw the final paycheck &I told her I paid all the bills then took half abnd opened an account.

After June 1 his severance pay will stop. Then it's unemployment only.

He bought a Harley with his 401k in 2008, so it's only $27ooo , about what we owe on credit cards (& vet bills .. tried to save our dog from dying from cancer 3 years ago. That cost $10k & she died anyway after 6 months of hell. In fact, I think THAT'S what started this whole freak out he got really distant& depressed. The dogs are "like our kids". Well, were. Now he pretty much hates them. Thinks I should take them to the shelter. Uh - NO!!).

Only lump sum I have coming is 1/2 the house profit. ..IF any. And that's questionable. We've only lived here 4 years next month.
He could easily get disability. He has had severe heart problems since birth, now he has other significant health problems adding up.
He's also going to have a hell of a time finding work. .. not that he's looking. He wants a "break" for awhile. Sigh

The whole thing is a clusterf*ck.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 8:45 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Acchhh! I know what you mean by cluster fickle..

Here is what I am thinking..Maybe these thoughts will resonate with you..If not, take what you can and leave the rest..

The minute I have to go back to work is the minute I will get the heck out of here, no more saving or trying to get ducks lined up in a row..

If I have to work, I want my own place away from him..I don't want to work hard and come home to a cake eating ass whom I have to support..

Same for poverty..I am as poor as a church mouse, about 1000 a month in pension to pay the bills..No extras for me unless I sell my art..

I live sparsely, I still eat and have shelter which is paid off.. Life isn't unpleasant as long as nothing unexpected comes up for expense..I can sleep in late, go to bed late, take walks, do my photography, do patio time when the weather is nice ..I avoid WH when I can..

Since I bring in so little in the way of income and I am still healing from an injury , my WH was forced to go back to work.. I feel like I have a little more dignity in that he is supporting me a bit more financially than he used to..He does his own laundry, cooking etc..He would have to do these things for himself living alone any way..

But the minute I begin to STRUGGLE with any kind of poverty that makes my daily life hard, again I am gonna take the dive and get AWAY from my WH...I would rather live harshly on my own than live a hard life with WH..

Life is gonna change anyway no matter what I do or don't do..

People keep telling me to KICK the new doors in so that they can open for me..The sooner I take the dive away from him, the sooner I can adjust to what I have in front of me whether it be new blessings or new problems..

Maybe the same can apply to you ? Since it is smart to follow the advice of your L, do the little nice (freebie) things for you, daughter, doggies to make your day better.. Life might feel more in control if you give yourself benchmarks or deadlines to do stuff (any stuff) in teeny tiny steps..

Yesterday and today I was happy that I finished vacuuming the inside of my car and reading about marketing art..I didn't do anything else productive, lol..

Slow baby steps that you know are going in the right direction on a path where you know you belong.. Better than feeling lost/unsure and dying a slow death by a thousand cuts...KWIM..


Keep posting when you can..I am gonna follow this thread and your other threads closely :-)

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:45 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 10th (Monday)

Diva- good on you. I'm glad you met small goals for yesterday. Let's keep in touch. I like you. .. you seem like good people. :)

I woke up at 3 am & started thinking about yesterday & the threats. That is BS. NOW I'm angry. I also see he spent the evening texting her. No doubt bitching about me & how awful I am. He's showering now (why does he just barge into my room in a towel? Ugh).. I'm sure WH will be leaving soon to go see her. Gotta get laid since it wasn't happening here... & he just HAS to have it every week, 2x a week.
Pisses me off, it's so disrespectful.... But what's new? That's just him now. At least it helps me detach. My skin crawls at the thought of sleeping with him these days. Funny too. I wonder how it works....screwing a lesbian? I can't think too deeply on it. But it's just so STRANGE to me, that partner choice. Whatever. Not my problem. If he wants to give up a straight woman who was still into fun sex w/ her man... ok. I'll find a man who appreciates what I being to the table again, someday.

Today's goal. Finish separating all our junk in the master bedroom closet & clean our bathroom cabinet out.
Thrills.
DD has Tues/Wed off, so I'll have company.

I'm going to do like you said, Diva. Try to do some nice things for myself, daughter & doggies. Daughter got us a Groupon to get our eyebrows done. We'll make lunch out if it. Why not?


I'm also going to be a LOT more distant. Why dies he get to be friendly with me to comfort himself?
I'll still make dinner for us all... because I don't mind. But I'm done serving him.
We all sat the table last night. SO uncomfortable now. I used to say how sad it was to see people in restaurants eating together & not talking. That I was so happy that wasn't us. Well. ..tada! That's us now. He just keeps his head down & doesn't participate in conversation. You know he's so hard done by.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:35 PM, March 10th (Monday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, March 10th (Monday)

Just got done separating & packing up most of the master bedroom. I'm feeling pretty pissed right now. I wanted to cry packing away gifts, cards, letters,first baby clothes , photos , etc.

I hope he's fucking happy.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 10th (Monday)

Going through the physical mementos, relics of what you had, is really hard. But it is a big step forward too--something you've now dealt with, you've put behind you, and proved you could handle, even though it did hurt. Look at it that way.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 3770 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 10th (Monday)

Thanks Nora. I'll try.
Still have the rest of the house, the shed, the kitchen & the garage to go. Arrrgh!


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Things are getting ugly. He's threatening to kick me out of I can't pay the bills, he says I'll not see another dime from him- ever.
He's sick of supporting a sponge, all these hateful things. Screamed at me in front of our daughter tonight.
I just kept telling him then I'll file. I wad trying not to lock down finances, but if he forces my hand, I'll do what I have to.

Naturally OW and he are blowing up their phones texting.
I wish he'd go see a lawyer. He needed REAL advice & also a slap into reality.

After all this hateful yelling about how I'm just a useless leech daughter & I retreat to the bedroom to look up some info.
He comes in & asks what we are doing& makes a kind comment about me.
We basically just ignored him, without being outright rude.

It's going to take what feels like forever to get this house fixed up & on the market.

I don't get his anger at ME.
HE cheated, HE is getting what he wants & I'm not trying to be unreasonable or anything.... But freedom isn't free.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

(((Unicorns)))

All the neighbors will know my husband didn't find me of any value. .. our families all will know I'm so humiliated.

All the neighbors and your family will see the situation for what it is - your WH is a colossal asshat.

Do NOT move out of the house. Do NOT file - the attorney specifically said not to. STOP listening to him! He doesn't make the rules about what you do/do not get in the D. The judge does.

Do your best right now. Read. Learn. Plan. Document.

Stop handing over your power to this guy. He's just a bag of hot air.

We've got your back.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1703 | Registered: Aug 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

What nekorb said...I agree..

I hate to see things get ugly, but when your WH is acting out like this, you get more of a window into his mind and you can base your strategy on what you see..

I agree, DON'T MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE..

But with this said you are at the stage where you need a good escape plan..So that you know what you are gonna do( step by step) if you have to leave the house suddenly..

Do you have a friend who( WH doesn't know) whom you can trust..


This may be the person who can safe keep your beloved valuables, like pictures, lock box with copies of important documents, etc..

May also be a person to safe keep your doggies for a few hours to a couple of days if needed..

For me I have my sons for immediate safe harbor but it would take me hours to a day to arrange flight or travel to stay with family who could help/shelter me longer term..

If you or your daughter don't have an IRL friend/ person/shelter who can help, that would be something to look into and work on..

When you make your escape plans, leave no traces (phone/computer history) that you are doing so..Pay for things( like bus tickets, etc) in cash or with gift cards so that your activities can't be traced..Coz if you had to leave suddenly, I'm sure you wouldn't want your WH nipping at your heels..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Thanks you two for the advice. Honestly, I CAN'T MOVE in any case. Seriously, I really have NO WHERE to go.
He's using that fact to intimidate me. However, I was abused by my dad/step mom and I refuse to ever go through that again. It will NOT get physical. If it goes there the game changes immeasurably. The bitch boots will come out AND the shit will hit the fan!

I do see that I need to cultivate friendships as well as ramp up my job search. Time feels like it's running out. I am working on those items. I admit.... It's hard& I feel frozen. This is not easy for me in the best of times. Right now it feels impossible . Friends are so scary to me now... how do I trust people after this?

OW must have talked to him (before marrying her current wife 12 years ago, she was married to & divorced from, a husband who was abusive).
H told me this morning if I buy groceries he will pay the mortgage/bills.
Hmmm. The sudden switch makes me suspicious.
I went and pulled $ cash from my account & hid it.
This is enough to either file/get a tank of gas/ cheap motel/ dog & people food for a few days if I had to leave super fast.
If I don't file I have even more time using that money & be away from home.
Daughter will help too ,where she can.
I'm trying not to file.#1 because it's not what I want, #2 because it week complicate things, I think.
Maybe I should consult another lawyer though.

We are scrambling to come up with a plan. It's just hard without any real financial plan. If he buys me out of the house, that'd help. .. but it's still hard to plan because I don't have set in stone amounts.

Anyway. He's off with OW today at the movies, going to the lake by her house (he claims he's going alone... yeah. That's why the text bomb night/morning with OW & going to the lake that's 10 min. from her/her wife's second home).
At least D & I have our house to ourselves for a bit.

THANKS for the thought provoking posts. I appreciate the input. And the support... it's nice to know I'm not crazy in thinking this is BS the way I'm being treated.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 6:52 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Hey - delete the location of the emergency cash out of your post above. Don't want to take a chance WH somehow sees it. Don't tempt fate, you know?

Be strong.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1703 | Registered: Aug 2013
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Shutup  Posted: 6:50 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks. Didn't even think about that.
Moved it too!


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

So after Dday there was a slow down on texts between these two most days... but the last few days it's back to 100s a day. WH doesn't know I know.
WH thinks he's slick.... or really doesn't care anymore. Probably some of both.

I want to let the OW wife know what she's up to!
I can't deal with a phone call.
I do have her work email.
How do I do this?
I don't want to cause more problems here right this second, but I think the OWW should know what's going on.

I was thinking anonymous email?
What would I write?
This is awful.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 5:48 AM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

Another question I'd love advice on...H makes a LOT of sexual advances & comments. I thought I was pretty obvious that I DO NOT want to sleep with him. I have accepted 2 hugs since Dday2. 1 I bawled through & he just held me. Today another , this one degenerated to groping which I physically moved away from. I've even told him (during an argument) that I didn't intend to be "convenient p-$$ y" since he wants a D & has been occasionally cruel & basically been acting add if he could care less that our relationship is ending.

I have to live with him for awhile & we CAN still get along at times (good since our daughter lives here too).
How can I rebuff him in as "friendly" a way as possible?
I don't want war. . But I want sex with him while he's with this OW even less!

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 4:36 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

When he tries to touch you, just give him the Heisman and *the look*. If he pushes you about it by telling you "it's okay" or <whatever>, tell him that the 2 of you are divorcing and his *need* for physical touch needs to be handled by his new bedwarmer.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, March 14th (Friday)

I usually physically have to get up & walk away.
I have to pull my clothes down or block body parts too. Lots of times he comes into the bedroom when I'm in bed clothes.
Feels so weird now. I'm very uncomfortable.
"Dirty Looks" don't help... neither do comments like "you need to go take a cold shower" , etc.

Then, when I do get to the point that he's pestered me enough that I walk away, he's angry with me the rest of the day.

Why does he still want sex with me? Convenience I suppose.
He doesn't want me, or the rest of me, anyway.
I'm not into casual sex. .. Especially with someone who has betrayed my deepest trust & feelings... who seems to have NOT a single care that he's hurting me!

I figure that's what I'll tell him next time.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 12:55 AM, March 14th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, March 14th (Friday)

I guess I'm just journaling now.

Omg. He crawled into bed with me lady night at midnight.

I was dead asleep. He held me awhile, which was nice. Been a long time since he's given me anything that felt like caring affection.... then he made his move. I shot him down by saying I felt ill.

Well, it wasn't a lie. I do feel ill ...& disrespected when he's trying to use me as an easy lay. It's very very cruel & devalues our entire relationship that all I am to him is an easy piece of ass, after I spent 27 years deeply loving him.

He fell asleep shortly after & I was awake most of the night. I finally drifted off & he got up at 5am and went back to the other bedroom.

Really nice, man.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 7:59 AM, March 14th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Ah, well, He just left to"see the guys from work". Funny, I know all those people moved away (from what he told me before Dday).

He's really with the OW.
DISRESPECTFUL! It totally sucks knowing every time he meets up with her. I guess he doesn't notice the pattern.
H always leaves just after 10am & returns by 2:30. OW's free time , since she's laid off too, while HER wife is at work.

What's with EVERY tv show I watch having someone by her name on it too?
Not getting advice anymore so I guess I should just learn to accept the situation for the duration of the time I'm living here.
But it's soul crushing. It devalues our whole marriage. I feel worthless, as if I wad never loved. It hurts to look at our kids & know this is what it's all come down to.
no, I want the perfect wife, we didn't have the perfect relationship. But fur a LONG time we WERE best friends , enjoyed eachother & had a good life.
That is all gone now & even those memories bring more pain than comfort.

I am not the only one he's cutting out if his life. His best guy friend of 35 years & his mother also. H used to be "the favorite" as his brothers teased. Now his mom said straight to him he's not anymore, because he barely keeps in touch. I wonder how she's going to feel once she finds out he cheated (she is very religious) & actually took the OW to her house as a "friend" back when we first separated.


I still wonder if this is MID LIFE crisis. Not that that helps me any to know. But it sure seems like it grim what I've read.

[This message edited by damnUnicorns at 1:20 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
damnUnicorns
Member
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I was hoping for help, guidance & support here on SI.

I guess there is a reason I'm not getting it.

Too emotional maybe? I dunno.

But thanks to those who did reply.
I'm still reading others' posts. I get a lot of reading those too.


Unremorseful WH-48
BW(me)-46
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 50