SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: he's guilting me again
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 7th (Friday)

I've told the H I don't want to be around him, I don't want to go on "dates" with him, I don't enjoy sitting at a dinner table with someone who doesn't speak, he answers questions with one word answers and goes about shoveling food. I'd rather eat alone. So, as I've posted before he's running scared this week. Wel barely spoken because he's never home because of work.

I toldhim last night we(me and kids) were gone all weekend into the city because friends are visiting. He asked where I was staying, and I said I don't know. He asked how are you going to find it. I said I'll look it up in my email. I honestly thought it was one place and when I checked it was another place. I don't want him to know where I am.

He proceeded to tell me that he won't feel so guilty working all weekend at his office in the city. Just now I get an email asking me if I might have the energy to go out to dinner after son's game tonight with or without kids or bring something home. I replied with a simple "why?"

No, I don't want to hang out and wait for him and go eat with him. No I don't want to be stuck out in this burb tonight. I have a hotel roomin the city and was planning on taking the kids out to dinner and skipping the game(which I never allow) because I need some freaking space. My life is run by the kids' schedule, and this was my opportunity to get away from him for the weekend.

So, why do I feel guilty trying to tell him no and leaving him all alone?


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 7th (Friday)

You might be feeling guilty because you still might feel an obligation due to marriage. I am not positive but I have to wonder why when he asked about dinner tonight that you didn't respond with "no, I'm busy" instead of "why?". I think you opened yourself up to being guilted. You knew you didn't want to meet up with him and that you had plans in the city. Be ok with your decision and in this case answer the question honestly.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51937 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Thanks, point taken. I'm tired of him not hearing me or purposely ignoring me for his own intentions. I should just go ahead with my plans and not bother with him.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Ivyivy
Member
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, March 7th (Friday)

You should do what you need to do for yourself to feel sane. Enjoy the city with the kids.


Me -BW
Him - WH
LTA
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, March 7th (Friday)

Hell, when you get back home, book yourself a week in the Bahamas.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Update!!!!

Im on the train into the city with two cited kids and a cocktail for myself. The H doesn't allow me to drink. Freedom for 36 hours.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
MissMouseMo
Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, March 7th (Friday)

"...doesn't allow..."?!?

Man, THAT one crawls up my sleeve BAD.

Just you saying it speaks volumes about the marriage, doesn't it?

Have a GREAT time!


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 264 | Registered: Feb 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Since your WH sounds like a *boundary-buster*, these are strength-building moments for you. The more your H *runs scared*, the worse he's going to be at wrecking any boundary you try to lay down.

My IC gave me a *new* way to look at this because I, like you, was squeamish about it. An incident occurred where I had a deadline for a paper I was writing and I still had about 4 big paragraphs to write....and 45 minutes to do it. WH and I were living separately with pretty much the same rules that you have in place with your H -- "I'll let you know if I want to do something with you." So anyway......he sent me a text and asked if he could stop by the house to talk to me for a minute. I told him "no, I'm busy." Then I got the "are you REALLY busy or do you just not want to see me?" Told him I was busy. 5 minutes later....DingDong. I opened the door and talked to him. This type of scenario was happening on a regular basis -- he'd ask to come and see me, I'd say no, he'd just show up, and I'd *let him in*.

After recounting this to my IC, she told me to ignore the fact that he wore the *husband* label. She said "if this same situation occurred with one of your good friends -- where you told that friend that you were busy, but she just showed up anyway -- wouldn't you be pretty pissed off about that?" Wearing the husband label doesn't *trump* the fact that you are busy or already have something planned, kwim?

Expecting your H to respect your boundaries is not a *bad* thing, Sleepy, and nothing to feel guilty about.

Enjoy the weekend with your kids


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7919 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sodamnlost
Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

Boundaries are BEYOND a new concept for me and I struggle to maintain them. It feels wrong - because I'm not used to them. Are you new to making and enforcing boundaries? For me, it gets easier the more I stick to my guns.

Have fun this weekend!!!


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I have come to love the words, "That doesn't work for me." Kinder than "no" and hard to refute. There doesn't have to be an explanation. Those words are my friend!


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1369 | Registered: May 2006
Topic Posts: 10