User Topic: Remorse Data
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, March 7th (Friday)

BS/WS provided how many months it took for you to see/demonstrate true remorse. I would like to get a collective to provide. Maybe this could even go in the healing library...

Hope this is ok?
If not SI Staff, please feel free to delete.

EDIT: It should be based on after your DDay.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 7:22 PM, March 7th (Friday)]

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, March 7th (Friday)

What are we using as the definition of "true remorse?"

BW: 44 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 408 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, March 7th (Friday)

That's a good question. I would say, they took the fall for the affair, no blame shifting, no gas lighting and I would assume wanting to Reconcile.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 7th (Friday)

It's been about 22 months so far, so I assume infinite.

Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Ok, well, by this definition, I would have to say right away for us. He had ended the affair 1 1/2 weeks prior to my figuring it out. Once confronted, he was quick to beg me not to leave, call counselors, and reiterate to her that it was over. He took immediate responsibility for the affair and it devastated him. Still so hard 6 months (this Sunday) later. I so admire the strength and resolve of those who had to wait great lengths of time to receive it...

BW: 44 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 408 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I was in a weird fog the first few weeks. I wanted to rug sweep and just go back to normal.

But I'd say at most it was 2 weeks until I started doing all the right stuff.

Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I think real remorse set in 4 months after DDay. 4 months of TT and regret. When he started getting physically I'll when confronted with what he had done to me.

ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I would say 6 months for my WH to man up and start showing true remorse.

It's when I got my timeline, when he finally started accepting full responsibility for the damage he inflicted. We're still working on R, but I see that as a lifetime project.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 7th (Friday)

A year for both of us. Mine was immediate when I told him everything. His was after he knew I would call him on everything. His desirability by another female was quite important to him.

his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."

Posts: 4501 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 7th (Friday)

BS here.
Immediate remorse from my WS. 2 years later and nary a waver from it the entire time.

Now if you go one step further and ask if that equates to the immediate beginning of healing? No. And 2 years later? Still no.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

No remorse and it''s not been over 1.5 years since dday. But he read up and did a good impression of it between 4-8 months after dday...but subtle blameshifting, lies of omission etc made it clear. He wanted me to rugsweep. I wouldn''t. He left.

Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'

Posts: 742 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Member # 42484
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

No remorse. He wants to rug sweep too.

Me: BS 45
Him: fWH 48
OW: my BFF well not forever apparently
Lots of kids, married 22 years
DDay: 01/16/01
On the fence about R or D?

Posts: 107 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

7 years and counting

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

21 years from the first infidelity, and I have not seen remorse.

(I should clarify: I did not know of the earliest infidelities for many years. If I had, the lack of remorse would have pushed me out of the marriage much sooner. By the time I found out, he was in "get over it" territory. You know, "That was 15 years ago! Get over it!" I looked for that missing remorse for about 3 years. Then he had an affair. The d-day for that was almost 4 years ago---and no remorse for that, either. This is what ended my marriage.)

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:53 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8325 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

Never. My X has never felt remorse and I doubt he ever will.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I asked WH this same question last night. He said it was a slow awakening from the haze of alcoholism as he sobered up. It was a year before he started showing remorse but it was inconsistent. He really wanted to/wants to pretend it never happened. If I was triggering, signs of remorse went out the window. That has slowly gotten better over the past two years. He rarely gets mad when I trigger anymore (which is a huge improvement) but he does withdraw emotional support. This has been a tough week, 3 years later. But... The remorse is there. He usually apologizes daily. He just doesn't say what for exactly. He's never going to tell me the who, what, when, where and why... Which leaves me triggering every time I try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. It's not like I'm asking for a list of the last 20 years of his transgressions. I just want to know who the hell was so damn special he would spend all that money on her and Christmas with her and a year after the alleged end of it putting his family through hell while protecting her? I'm going through a phase in which I wish I hadn't put myself and my children through dealing with him while he tried to sober up and then deal with his continued slow progress over the last few years. I suppose, in a way, it's not much different than dealing with someone recovering from a brain injury after an accident, except if you knew an OW had been involved in the accident and walked away Scott free. Alcoholism is that damaging, only with years of abusing those closest to the alcoholic. The further we get from it, the more I see clearly how much abuse I put up with and the more I reuse to put up with any abuse from anyone anymore.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

My WH claims it was immediately upon discovery. I completely broke down (I still don't remember the details) and he suddenly "got" what he had done. He has acted remorseful for the past 3 years. He takes full responsibility, doesn't gaslight, and his behavior has completely changed. He does refuse to get counseling but, for now, he is a new husband and we have a new M.

Posts: 702 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

5 yrs..No confessions..He was in complete control.. (denial) He was going to fix it or it would fix itself...After 5 years he started seeing, it would not go away...Thats where we remain..He is trying somewhat harder, feels bad, real changes...

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

Is it weird that I'm not sure? I know he is now- for everything big and small. But at the time we rug swept so much. About 1.5 years after the last d day, his best friend died. I think it hit him that I was the last person left who had stood by him throughout the years. This friend also spent the last years of his life telling my husband that he would love to have what he had when my husband would get on the poor me train. Then this friend died never been married or having kids and it changed my husband. So maybe 1.5 years and a traumatic event for him to feel bad for not being in 100% through our marriage.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 19