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User Topic: Dating while separated
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, March 7th (Friday)

I am in no way considering this but my girlfriends brought this up to me at dinner tonight. Has anyone gone on dates with someone else, while being separated from their WS?


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, March 7th (Friday)

Not going to lie. I thought about it but I am still married and it makes me think that I would be committing adultery.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, March 7th (Friday)

No. I'm LS, but that still means I'm married. If I were to date now, I would be no better than my cheating H. We would both be adulterers. I refuse to be dirty like him.
I have friends that rugsweep it, but it is still committing adultery.
He and I both made vows in front of family and friends to God. My vows to him are meaningless, but my vows to the Heavenly Father are not.
The D will be final soon enough. No hurry to start dating.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
augustmarie
New Member
Member # 42692
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

If you are trying to work it out, then it's probably a bad idea. If you are moving on, then you are separated, so check what you can legally do while going through divorce proceedings without impacting the result.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2014
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I too feel as if I would be breaking my vows. Plus I think that I would be a terrible date right now. Not in a good place so why put some poor suspecting guy through that.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 280 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

i think you are either married or you are not. there is no in between. if you are married then you shouldnt be dating.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 497 | Registered: Jan 2014
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

My friends, and even my husband, told me to start dating too. But my thought was I was nowhere near ready And I didn't want to break my vows. It felt wrong for me personally. My thought was I was married until the ink was dry on the divorce papers.

It's a good thing I didn't...six months into our separation I started dating my husband again. Four months after that, he moved home. If I had dated someone else, my situation would have been more complicated once we got back together. Hell, we might not have even tried again.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

My take on this has always been that if you're physically separated and 100% headed for divorce (papers filed, awaiting court, etc.) with no chance whatsoever of reconciling, I don't personally see it as a moral issue, because for all intents and purposes you are divorced, you're just waiting for the paperwork to catch up. If there is even a .01% chance that you might reconcile, however, then you should probably wait because it wouldn't be fair to the person you're dating.

That being said, you could always pop down into the D/S forum and a great many of them will tell you to wait anyway, just based on reasons of having a healthy recovery before you're really ready for a relationship.

On another note, it's always interesting to see those friends who encourage others to date as soon as it is humanly possible...I think it tends to say a lot about their mentalities in regards to their own relationships, and relationships in general.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

Sorry, but I honestly feel that when you are married you are married and that it is ESSENTIAL to end one relationship before entering another.

I currently have a friend who is separated and within days of the announcement she had moved on and was dating..... it confuses the kids, the soon to be exspouse, the entire family, and I think even her some. She says the M is over, and yet sees the ex and spends time with him..... then it's not really over!

take care of one thing first and then move on to dating- why complicate things unnecessarily????
It's like buying a new house when you haven't sold the old one- it makes life so much harder with two of everything and all the bills and complications that go with that- it's just not worth it.


Posts: 1174 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I currently have a friend who is separated and within days of the announcement she had moved on and was dating..... it confuses the kids, the soon to be exspouse, the entire family, and I think even her some. She says the M is over, and yet sees the ex and spends time with him..... then it's not really over!
I think this is something to seriously consider.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

I think it's different for each person and situation. I do NOT think that, if a person is separated, they are just as bad as a cheating WS. The WS lied, let the BS think things were something they weren't, etc. There is really no comparison imo.

If you're done, and you absolutely know it, the I think started to date when you're ready is the right answer.

The Bible allows for divorce in cases of fidelity, so biblically speaking, the marriage is over when the WS cheats. Legally, if all you're doing is waiting for your day in court, then why wait if you are comfortable and find someone that you find interesting.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1779 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

The Bible allows for divorce in cases of fidelity, so biblically speaking, the marriage is over when the WS cheats. Legally, if all you're doing is waiting for your day in court, then why wait if you are comfortable and find someone that you find interesting.

Yep, I felt very unmarried as soon as I had solid proof that H had stepped out. I did date during my first separation and then we tried to R 18 months late. Well, here I am again, separated. I have no interest in dating now. But I don't see it as cheating if you are separated with the intent to divorce.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

IMO, my marriage ended when my WH cheated on me. It was over right then. There is no chance we will R because I'm not putting up with a cheater in my life. The act itself is my deal breaker.

I resent the suggestion that anyone would consider ME to be unfaithful because I'm dating while S and not D. My WH cut my ties for me. As someone above said, I'm just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

Regarding anyone down in D/S forum suggesting that ppl shouldn't date until "healed" I think it's kind of them to care but unfair of them to suggest a blanket statement as if it covers everybody.

Ppl are different and only the individual knows if they can be ok dating while separated. When you go over to D/S and they tell you to wait until D or an approx amount of yrs after, it doesn't take into account those ppl that are still an emotional wreck yrs after D. So if you go over there for dating advice and they know you're S only, and they tell you it's best to wait....I want to ask for them to write me up a schedule.

I know it is purely strangers caring about other strangers but if the question isn't SHOULD I be dating while S, then other posters should stick to the topic and not bring it up.

As far as I'm concerned, I've always followed the "rules" of my Italian Catholic upbringing-find a NICE boy, date monogamously, no sex before marriage, no living together until wed, etc-and LOOK where it got me. So I'm done with rules.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:04 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

There are actually other parties to consider.

The ones who wholeheartedly enter into relationships with separated people who say they're ready but actually aren't.

Quite often it's the other parties who suffer when the separated or newly divorced ones freak out a few weeks or months in, triggering on stuff they hadn't anticipated, and then proceed to back out so they can go off alone to finish their unfinished healing process.

I feel for the other parties who *are* ready, who get their hearts broken after the initial lovebombing ends or who get used because the separated ones just needed to get laid and have some fun.

Sucks for them.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:33 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17176 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I agree that if you're dating someone who seems to be emotionally invested, you have to be careful that you're not dating too soon but me, for example, I'm dating someone who just wants to hang out with me and have sex. Im fine with that!!


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I feel for the other parties who *are* ready, who get their hearts broken after the initial lovebombing ends or who get used because the separated ones just needed to get laid and have some fun.


I agree with this, but the state finally fitting two people onto the court docket doesn't mean that one or both parties are emotionally ready to date.

If a person is ready, and separated, and is divorcing, I don't see it as infidelity. Others may, and they are free to wait until the court has granted the divorce. That doesn't mean another party won't be hurt.

The court and the emotional state of a person aren't related.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1779 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

To me, separated is still legally married. Meaning, shouldn't be dating or screwing other people.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I resent the suggestion that anyone would consider ME to be unfaithful because I''m dating while S and not D. My WH cut my ties for me. As someone above said, I''m just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

^^^This. Your spouse ended the marriage by cheating. If you have separated with intent to divorce, don''t let anybody tell you you''re a cheater. That''s horseshit.

I have done some dating, and am totally comfortable with that. The Princess knew I was doing it, and I didn''t care anyhow - she had already moved on. But here''s the important thing: The person you date needs to know you''re separated.

As you can see by some of the reactions above, some people have VERY strong feelings on the subject, and you wouldn''t want to make a person unwittingly date someone who they think of as married.

Now, are you ready to date? The chances are that you''re probably not. The first few times that I dated, I cried while I was walking home. That was a sure sign that I was NOT ready.

Here''s the most important thing in my opinion: Are you willing to gently break up with this person right away if you see some red flag behaviour? Also, will it break your heart to do so?

I have adopted the opinion that dates are not for finding my next mate. They''re for having some fun. You may trip over someone who eventually becomes your next mate, but that is just a side effect.

I hope some of this helps.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Until I'm divorced-I'm married. End of story.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Yes I have and still am. When he moved out to be with 'the woman he loved' I considered myself single. I have been seeing one man for four years and love him dearly. My husband is nothing but the father of my children. I would have done anything to keep our marriage and family together but he counted it as nothing. I make no excuses for moving on and being happy. My marriage is just a piece of paper now, which only financial and administrative details keep us from shredding.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

But here's the important thing: The person you date needs to know you're separated.

As you can see by some of the reactions above, some people have VERY strong feelings on the subject, and you wouldn't want to make a person unwittingly date someone who they think of as married

This is one of my biggest fears for dating again. Were I to discover that the man I was out with was, in fact, still married, I would be violating one of my most closely held & cherished moral codes. It would devastate me, and honestly I probably would not handle it well. As in, I'd probably become violent. And need another year of therapy.

I don't judge what a separated BS does. One of my new-found friends dated while separated and is still with the new man. I don't have a problem with it. Just for me, personally, there was no way I'd have dated while separated, and no way in hell I would date someone who is only separated.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ExposedNiblet
Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Absolutely not.

To me, separated is still married. As a single woman, there is no way in hell I'd even look at a separated man, let alone date him.

When I was separated, I was a mess emotionally, my self-confidence was shot, and I really had no clue where I fit in this world anymore. It takes time to heal after dealing with the breakdown of a marriage, especially if that marriage was long-term. If you enter into the dating game and you're not healed, you're broken. Everybody knows broken attracts broken...which means it's just a matter of time before you're suffering a new heartache.

...just my 2 cents.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

My S/D went pretty quickly. I moved out in June of 2010 and was D by March 2011. There was no way I was ready or even considered dating during that period, but it wasn't because I considered myself still M. I just wasn't ready.

I have a friends on the boards who have been S for a LOOOONG time just because of the way their D is drawing out. They date because they are ready to date, just waiting for the D to be final.

You would have to be open and honest about it with the person you considered dating, and you should examine your conscience VERY carefully for the reason that you are dating. You don't want to devastate someone just so you can get your ego kibbles.

Don't base your decision on someone else's moral code, but do formulate your own moral code before impacting someone else's life.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

There seem to be those that feel like I do: the marriage is over when the vows are broken. Then, there are those that feel the marriage is over when the court tells them so. Frankly, because my WH broke his vows, that's more important than a body of people who don't know me, telling me some paperwork allows me to move on.

Not divorced=still married only legally; let's not forget my Catholic Church won't even recognize divorce...The law is manmade. I believe my God wouldn't judge me for moving on since I was left holding the rope after my WH cut his end. I'm allowed to drop the rope and hop over it to a new life. Who cares what my state says? Infidelity made my marriage like a game of King of the Mountain. I was the last one standing on the top so I won the game. There's no more to play. Done.

For people who say "take time to heal" ok sure. I agree. Now, you tell me-person who does not know me from Adam- how much time should I take? Gimme a number. What if I said I'm totally good one week from the DDay? What if I tell you I KNOW who I am and I KNOW how I handle trauma? I guarantee there will still be kind souls on SI (and everywhere) telling me I need more time. Ok...how much? But what if I say I'm seeing a guy and I don't cry after and I'm enjoying myself? What then? I guarantee you'll still have people telling you you're pushing your deep emotions down.

I think there should be a STOP sign like over in the wayward section for S ppl who are dating.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 3:03 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Gimme a number. What if I said I'm totally good one week from the DDay?

There is no such number, that is for you to figure out. Like SadinAZ said, you need to be open and honest and decide why you need to date so soon.

Who cares what my state says?

You can say once vows are broken the marriage is over but it is a legal contract you both entered. Divorce can be messy and ugly. There are tons of stories on this site alone about how spouses will take every little detail of the other's life and use it as a barb in court.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Aug 2012
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

If you are fine with dating while separated then you don't need anyone to agree with you to make it valid.

If people saying they don't think it's the right thing to do upsets you, then I would wonder if you really believed it yourself.

Who cares what anyone else thinks? You have to do what's right for you.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson


Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I think folks should do what feels right after much introspection, making darn sure to think things through, and any potential person made 100% aware of what the exact situation is. In my situation, I dated almost 9 months after I filed D, with ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of R. Folks can feel the way they do about this, feeling as a MM this is wrong, and what I write rationalizing... I disagree.

I was married by a J.O.P., no religion, but M based on I loved someone dearly who I trusted with my life and heart, and I gave her my word I would not hurt her in the worst possible way as she did... Her completely insane level of gaslighting me, destroying two families with no remorse, how she treated my DD, and flat out lying in many aspects of the divorce procedure, and continual lies throughout the post DD nightmare (such as living with the other POS and of course lying). I was done, and she continued to drag out the D, draining me, and being a total nasty bitch, WANTING to hurt me further.

There was NO WAY IN HELL she would continue to deter my healing, and for me, healing meant enjoying the company of ladies. I was plenty healed enough when I started, continue to be so... my .02...


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
XWW 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 624 | Registered: Sep 2012
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Stillstings, it was a rhetorical question and not one whose answer I'm concerned with hearing from anyone. That's why I'm bothered when ppl say it here. Correct, there isn't a number.
Also, I've remained NC from my WH. He doesn't know I'm dating because I haven't put it anywhere but SI and I'm sure his head is too far up OWs ass to go doing research. I, however, have an email in which he apologizes for committing adultery.


Btraydwife, what upsets me is when someone posts a question on the forum and they are S and dating, and others chime in with "maybe you're not ready" when the original poster wasn't asking for that advice.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Btraydwife, what upsets me is when someone posts a question on the forum and they are S and dating, and others chime in with "maybe you're not ready" when the original poster wasn't asking for that advice.

They are giving that wise advice and asking questions because most of us have BTDT and speak from experience. You don't realize it but grieving is a large part of ending a relationship whether it was healthy or unhealthy. Throwing yourself into something is a way to forget the pain and feel normal. But it's usually a band aid. If you don't take the time to process and accept the situation, the issues will resurface.

I have to know, why so defensive when being told dating is not the best idea so soon? Again like SadinAZ said, why are you wanting to jump into something so quickly? Those reasons are very important and need to be explored.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Aug 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

It depends on the reason you are separated.

Is this a legal, pre-divorce separation, or an "I need some space from you" separation?

I would not date ANYONE until:
1) I was final in my decision about wanting to D. If I still wanted to try R, I would not bring someone else into the whole disaster and further confuse me, and complicate the situation.
2) I personally no longer believe in rebounds. If you haven't even gotten D- how "over" your H and the relationship are you? Do you not deserve to recover and heal from that before jumping right back out there and dating someone else?


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Still stings,

It seems like you're assuming I haven't grieved and "so soon" sounds like it depends on who you are. Your soon and my soon may be different things. Also, it is unfair for you to assume that I "don't realize" that grieving is a part of the process. I had my sleepless nights, my food less days, my breaking things and screaming. I have my triggers still. But I'm ready to move on because I live on my own timeline. And if my timeline is that I'm ready to date although I'm still batting the complaint for divorce back and forth, then it is what it is.

Maybe, just maybe, it takes different amounts of time for people to do that grieving. Maybe, just maybe, I only needed 4 months. Without knowing me or my relationship dynamics prior to the A, i shouldn't be judged for dating "so soon".

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 6:46 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Your words sound very angry & defensive, Jellygirl, especially since I don't think you're the OP. Do you think you're in the "angry" phase that we all cycle through?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9318 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Dobegirl
Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I will not/won't date until the ink is dry. And maybe it still might not happen right away just because of the devastation he has caused me. Yes I do still love him and until I can move past that hurt I will not date.

BTW he will not hold my heart hostage forever!


Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
DDay-11/21/12
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13
Divorcing

Posts: 148 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Maybe, just maybe, I only needed 4 months.

To get over a 10 year long relationship? Doubtful. Nature_girl has a good point about the anger phase and that is what I'm seeing as well.

Again, why do you feel the need to date 4 months out? You are dodging the question and if you expect to move on you've got to address that.

Back to the OP, you can decide for yourself but rebounds rarely end well. If anything you are left more confused and hurt than before. Especially during a separation. Like the PP before me said, nothing is final until the ink is dry and anything can happen.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 347 | Registered: Aug 2012
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Go ahead and date up a storm JG, you totally sound like you know what you're doing. I'll look forward to your updates.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:54 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17176 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Just my two cents, again. I wouldn't start dating until the ink was dried after divorce and they gave the ok. It has to be final.

My uncle and aunt are/were going through a divorce and before the ink dried he posted his new honey on Facebook.

Might be a bad move, unless, like in my state. If you commit adultery and don't have sex with your spouse after words it can speed the process up quickly.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

No, nature_girl, I just think that generalizations are made easily when the advice is genuinely in the best interest of the BS.....still, it doesn't mean that the generalization is correct.

It's like, there are people who get married after knowing each other for 3 months. Many of those people get divorce but there are those that have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. So it isn't fair to say that people shouldn't get married after 3 months.

I feel the same about dating after having been cheated on. Just because it is good advice and loving advice to tell someone to wait awhile for "healing" doesn't mean there aren't people who can't go through the grieving process much quicker.


I'm not dodging...why do I feel the need to date four months out? I met this guy, he's extremely attractive, I only ever slept with my WH and this new guy has a big dick. I want to give it a try and see what I've been missing. It's fun and exciting! Lol he lives in the city and seeing him there is fun and adventurous and it's better than sitting around bored. If it were to end tomorrow I'd be upset but I'd get over....I mean, I kicked out my partner of 10 years and haven't looked back so what's some guy I've only known a few months?

And I've asked myself why it feels I've gotten over my ten yr relationship so quickly (which I have discussed with an ACTUAL LICENSED THERAPIST) and the consensus is that I very likely stopped being invested in our relationship long before WHs A. He cheated though, I didn't.

Faith fool, I hope your comment wasn't as tongue-in-cheek as it seems. I will continue to post threads if things go well OR if things go wrong.

Anyway, no more t/j. Sorry.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 7:07 PM, March 9th (Sunday)]


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
No real remorse once I kicked him out.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Mom4ever
Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I personally can't date till I'm divorced.

But I think there are 2 pieces to divorce. One is the legal aspect and one is the emotional. Again, for me, I want to have both parts of the divorce behind me. I need to be legally divorced and I need to feel divorced in my heart (emotionally). My final court date is set in May. I hope I reach both places close to the same time. But right now, I'm not divorced in either way.


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
befuzzled110
Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

When Wh and were seperated..I dated. I figured the separation was what I needed to realize that he was trying new things and maybe moving on, and I felt I deserved to know if I could be attracted to other men, and if they were attracted to me. I was clueless while we were married. Totally blind to other men. So...yes. I did. I REALLY learned, I wasn't ready to date, not for real, and if we continued the separation or chose to divorce, then it would be a long time before I would be emotionally ready to handle a real relationship, and that I was actually using the man I dated (went out 2ce) to instill jealousy in WH. So I let him go, and focused right back on myself and getting emotionally healthy.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I'm not dating, although I am talking to other men. The day I threw him out and filed the papers I was done. When you break up with someone there is no waiting period. I broke up with him, done, papers don't mean squat except that I'm not legally bound to him. Doesn't mean anything emotionally. I am in no shape or form cheating. I told him I was done and moving on. He never told me he was screwing someone else. On no is it the same. What if he drags out the divorce for a year? I can't move on because a judge hasn't said I'm divorced? Poo on that!


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 294 | Registered: Aug 2013
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

Not tongue in cheek at all JG.

A few members have gone on to remarry and find happiness after a very short time. I sincerely hope you find what you're looking for and that nobody gets hurt in the process.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17176 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, March 10th (Monday)

I met this guy, he's extremely attractive, I only ever slept with my WH and this new guy has a big dick. I want to give it a try and see what I've been missing. It's fun and exciting! Lol he lives in the city and seeing him there is fun and adventurous and it's better than sitting around bored. If it were to end tomorrow I'd be upset but I'd get over....I mean, I kicked out my partner of 10 years and haven't looked back so what's some guy I've only known a few months?

Well, with an attitude like that, what can go wrong? Does New Guy know he's just a fling? I'll echo FF and hope that no one gets hurt.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19817 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, March 10th (Monday)

Nope, wouldn't even consider it. My record speaks for itself. 5 long term relationships, 5 cheating women. I'm actually attempting R this time. If this doesn't work out, I'm going to worry about fixing my broken picker before I start thinking about dating again!

t/j
JG, I'm a Catholic also. While the church doesn't recognize a civil divorce, there's a process called annulment. Pretty automatic when adultery is involved.

end t/j


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2582 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, March 10th (Monday)

I am now divorced but didn't feel ready during the two years we were separated and haven't felt the need since the 1 year since divorce. Not that I still have any feelings for Sir Shagalot but I am simply not ready and possible never will be, who knows.

Sir Shagalot on the other hand moved in with OW2 a few weeks after D-Day and got engaged to her a month before our Divorce was finalized. So I guess being separated means different things to different people. Certainly being married does.

EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Topic Posts: 44