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User Topic: I just want to scream sometimes
CompleteScrewUp
New Member
Member # 42503
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I just feel like I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. My BH and I have had many "good" days for the past 2 weeks or so. Even after I have TTed for the last time. (I say last time because I really can't remember anything else that I have not told him) He has been so great even with all of this. Or he's been hiding it really well. We have been communicating really well lately and it has been great, but there is so much on my plate right now it seems that I just don't feel like I have enough time in the day to get it all done. For the past week, I have spent every spare moment with my BH because I feel that he really needs me every moment, but I also have children and I haven't gotten to spend hardly any time with them because of it. Also I work every day from 7am-4pm and when I'm at work, I focus strictly on work and when I'm home, I focus on the mess I got us into. Well, anyway, I have to study for a test for work, take a college class for work (that can come later, but I can't forget that I need to take it.) For home life, I need to write a timeline, I need to call an old friend of mine and ask her why she told my BH of something I supposedly did when I didn't do it, I need to tell at least one of my family members about what I did, I need to read the forums on here, I need to read like 4 different books that we got, i need to figure out what I need to do to make him believe that this marriage is worth saving, I need to spend time with my children, and I need to plan our next date night. I know one can't do everything in one day but I feel like I need to do it all so quickly and it's stressing me out I think. When I brought up the subject of me not feeling like I have enough time in the day to get everything I need to get done, done, he replies back that I had time for the AP, so why the hell can't I find the time for him? To me it's completely different. I'm talking about time management here, not taking time out of my busy schedule to flirt or have sex with another guy. I know my whole story isn't up yet, but I just needed to vent something. I also did not mean to put a stop sign up. How do I take that off? Thanks.

[This message edited by CompleteScrewUp at 12:34 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Me: WS (29)
Him: BS (31)
Together 12 years; Married 10 years
3 Children: 9, 6, 3
D-day: Jan. 16, 2014

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I've removed the stop sign for you, please be more careful in the future to click it off if you want your threads open to BS replies.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198448 | Registered: May 2002
DTERMINED2SURVIV
Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

bs here....My fws and I are going through just about the same thing. The "you had time for OP but not for me" thing goes through my head too. I am really pleased that you have the right ideas to make your relationship work. Your right, it wont get done in one day, just take a breath...Its a LOT to work on but the results are worth it! After DDay some of us BS are EXTREMELY needy. You cant always give into that though, you have to be consistant in having space for yourself. Im saying this because my FWS has been NOTHING BUT readily available to me for the past few months. The moment he is busy, i get needy. The consistancy you demonstrate now in spending time on you(like studying, talking with fam), and devoting huge efforts to your R will surely pay off. Some BS may disagree saying you need to devote every second to him, but honestly thats why im so needy to my FWS now. I make him, and myself want to scream.




Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

CompleteScrewUp - I know one can't do everything in one day but I feel like I need to do it all so quickly and it's stressing me out I think.

I want you to stop. Right now. Stop. Breathe. Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Feel the tension slowly release from your neck and shoulders. Repeat. Again and one more.

The truth is that our post A lives can be overwhelming. But without creating a schedule and establishing priorities, all you will do in this instance is end up stressing out and perhaps head for a breakdown. And none of that is good for you.

We're already under a lot of societal and family pressure to be superwomen or men, at home, at work, in the community. And in trying to be fulfill that unrealistic role, all we do is stretch ourselves thinner and thinner over everything.

While being there to support your BH is important, so are you. Not more but for sure, not less important. You won't be able to support your BH if you end up in doctors care due to a nervous breakdown. You need to set up a regime that balances your needs, his needs, the families needs. Sometimes, you will just have to learn to say No, can't do that right now. Mommy needs a bit of quiet time to unwind, relax and recharge.

Your H will understand this. after all, I'm sure that he feels the same way right now too.

So, to summarize. Eat healthy. Drink lots of water. Schedule 8 hours of sleep. No medications unless prescribed. No self-medication with alcohol or drugs. Take 5 minutes per hour to practice deep breathing and stretching. Nap when your body demands it. Hug your kids and BH.

HUFI

Michelle Obama- Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we're scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don't have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own 'to do' list.

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 3:33 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

The important thing is not to do everything at once, but to make sure you are doing something every day.

In the past, when fWH would get overwhelmed, he would shut down and do nothing. Hopefully this is not what you are doing.

Write all these things in your planner the same way you would with any other task. And be realistic about how much you can get done in a day. I would be willing to bet that as long as your BH sees daily effort, this will be sufficient. However, if he ever wonders if you are sincere about something that you haven't had time to do yet, you can show him how you have everything all planned out.

And that, in and of itself, is pretty cool and to me shows a lot of commitment.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 8th (Saturday)

I know you feel overwhelmed right now, and you have been given great advice. Planning and organizing your time will allow you to quit spinning your wheels.

As I read your post, I kept thinking over and over, "but you found time in all this to have an affair." Then at the bottom, you stated that that is what your BS also felt. You say it is completely different but how is it different? HE was to be that important, too. Important enough to not feel like a bother when you pay attention to him. Important enough to steal minutes for flirting or sex.

It may be different in your mind but it isn't in his...


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, March 8th (Saturday)

CompleteScrewUp, buckle up, because you''re in for a long, bumpy ride. When I was new to SI, I used to get so pissed off when people told me about the different "stages" we should expect. Early on, BH and I were like, pshaw, we''re fine! I remember BH saying, a couple months out, how great we were doing and he couldn''t imagine we wouldn''t be completely over it inside of six months.

And then, like clockwork, around 6-7 months the dam burst and BH hit the anger stage. We were like, "Huh. Guess they were right!"

he replies back that I had time for the AP, so why the hell can''t I find the time for him? To me it''s completely different.

Don''t make the classic Wayward mistake of defending yourself. To you it''s completely different. Fine. But that doesn''t make BH''s perspective any less valid. That would''ve been a great opportunity for you to dust off your empathy and say something like. "I see where you''re coming from with that. Yes I did make time for the AP, and I''m so ashamed of that. I stole time from you and the kids to be with him, and that was so wrong."

Look, I''m not busting your chops here. For us to go from being completely selfish bitches who were cheating on our husbands, to turning on a dime and putting their needs and feelings first? That''s a tall order, and I failed miserably at it. For months. Luckily my BH waited around long enough for me to come around. From the sound of it, yours probably will too. Be thankful for that. Every minute.

I just needed to vent something.

Wayward side is a safe place to do that. Especially with the stop sign on. And usually without it, too.

Recognize that your BH just needed to vent something too, with his "you had time for the AP" comment. Be a safe space for him to vent. Drop your defenses. Validate his feelings.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 9th (Sunday)

Well, anyway, I have to study for a test for work, take a college class for work (that can come later, but I can't forget that I need to take it.) For home life, I need to write a timeline, I need to call an old friend of mine and ask her why she told my BH of something I supposedly did when I didn't do it, I need to tell at least one of my family members about what I did, I need to read the forums on here, I need to read like 4 different books that we got, i need to figure out what I need to do to make him believe that this marriage is worth saving, I need to spend time with my children, and I need to plan our next date night.

That's almost overwhelming to think about . Are there things that you can drop?

The bold line caught my eye. Are you trying to figure out how to make him believe the marriage with worth saving, or are you trying to figure out how to show him the marriage is worth saving? There is a difference. Also, and this is going to make your busy schedule seem impossible, but for a BS, seeing is believing.


When I brought up the subject of me not feeling like I have enough time in the day to get everything I need to get done, done, he replies back that I had time for the AP, so why the hell can't I find the time for him? To me it's completely different. I'm talking about time management here, not taking time out of my busy schedule to flirt or have sex with another guy.

Gently here - when you would take time out of your busy schedule for OM, do you think that he felt special? Important? That you wanted him and were making him a priority by putting other things on hold?

Do you think your H deserves to feel the same way? To call it 'time management' makes it sound like, since he'll always be around, you just need to find a spot on your schedule that you could fit him in. The entire schedule is stressing you out, and as he's just one of many on the schedule that you're trying to work out, he probably feels not only not special, but somewhat of a burden.

I'd like to suggest that, although you are busy and struggling to get things done, for a while you find ways to make your BH feel at least as important as OM was. If you can drop things to see OM, couldn't you do that for BH?

These are just suggestions that may help you see what your BH sees, and how he's not feeling like a priority. In a normal relationship, that is ok in the short run. In one in the early stages of recovery, as a BS I can say that it's important to show the BS how much they mean, and that they are worth as much, if not more special treatment than the OP.

I'm sorry you're feeling the stress of being so busy. Perhaps you could cut out calling a 'friend' to ask why she said something untrue? Perhaps just stop calling her or responding to her. When she asks why, tell her and be done with it. As for telling a family member - does this really rate equally to making your H feel important?

I think you've been given some really good advice regarding short term relaxation techniques. I'd like to add one more if I may; schedule some time for you. A hair appointment, lunch with a friend, something to make you feel like your entire life isn't for other people. That kind of a schedule can really take it's toll, and if you aren't feeling relaxed, it can be difficult to remove the stress that's needed to help your H heal. Also, perhaps the reason you were willing to make the time for OM was that OM was for you only. He wasn't school or work or kids or training or dinners or laundry, etc. We all need 'our' time. That's why I added the reminder to be sure and add that to your list.


I hope you didn't find this offensive. It really wasn't a judgment of your extremely hectic lifestyle. I've been there - it's hard, and just thinking of it can make a person tired. I just wanted to help you see what your H means, and how it can appear that he's not being prioritized like OM was.

It can be really hard to see the big picture when there are so many needs pulling on a person. It's not a fun place to be.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
CompleteScrewUp
New Member
Member # 42503
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

I just want to say thank you for all the advice. it was all very helpful and I will be sure to follow this advice.
heforgotme - Write all these things in your planner the same way you would with any other task. And be realistic about how much you can get done in a day. I would be willing to bet that as long as your BH sees daily effort, this will be sufficient. However, if he ever wonders if you are sincere about something that you haven't had time to do yet, you can show him how you have everything all planned out.

Thank you for this. I have written out everything I need to do and prioritized it.I have also started working on my timeline and low and behold, it made me remember some tiny details that I had not thought of before. That is what BH and I had hoped would happen since my memory is not very good.
HUFI-PUFI - Sometimes, you will just have to learn to say No, can't do that right now. Mommy needs a bit of quiet time to unwind, relax and recharge.

I do have a hard time saying no. My BH has told me that I can tell him no sometimes when I need to and he will understand, but it's still hard. I feel like I don't deserve to say no. But Hufi, you are right. I need to be able to say no so I don't stress myself out so much by over thinking things and doing everything at the drop of a dime and not taking time for myself.
HUFI-PUFI - Stop. Breathe. Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Feel the tension slowly release from your neck and shoulders. Repeat. Again and one more.

I will be sure to try this more often. It seems to help a little now. I'm sure the more I do it the more it will become helpful.
confused girl - As I read your post, I kept thinking over and over, "but you found time in all this to have an affair." Then at the bottom, you stated that that is what your BS also felt. You say it is completely different but how is it different? HE was to be that important, too. Important enough to not feel like a bother when you pay attention to him. Important enough to steal minutes for flirting or sex.

It may be different in your mind but it isn't in his...


Your response got me thinking. I may have thought it to be different because I was deployed at the time. I wasn't at home. So I felt that I wasn't taking time away from my family. But that is not the case. I would think of reasons to get off of skype just in case AP came up to my room. Just because I was away does not make it different.
20WrongsVs1 - Don''t make the classic Wayward mistake of defending yourself. To you it''s completely different. Fine. But that doesn''t make BH''s perspective any less valid. That would''ve been a great opportunity for you to dust off your empathy and say something like. "I see where you''re coming from with that. Yes I did make time for the AP, and I''m so ashamed of that. I stole time from you and the kids to be with him, and that was so wrong."

You are right, I need to quit defending myself. I have always needed an excuse for why I did something so it is very hard for me to stop that overnight. But I am trying. I have though, been stopping myself from getting angry at some thing. I notice I start to escalate and I stop, and start over. I do not see his point of veiw any less valid. I know he is hurting and I am the one who caused this hurt. I know we will see things differently, I just need to handle it in a different way.
painfulpast - Do you think your H deserves to feel the same way? To call it 'time management' makes it sound like, since he'll always be around, you just need to find a spot on your schedule that you could fit him in. The entire schedule is stressing you out, and as he's just one of many on the schedule that you're trying to work out, he probably feels not only not special, but somewhat of a burden.

This really got me thinking. I was seriously just thinking about managing my time to get everything done, I did not think that he would take it the same way as you described. I never would have thought of him thinking he was "an appointment" that he would have to book in order to get some of my time. Thank you for giving me that new perspective to think about. I am learning that I need to see so many things in a different light now. It really amazes me how much I have royally screwed up just by not thinking about anything when I decided to be selfish. I never would have thought about any of this.


Me: WS (29)
Him: BS (31)
Together 12 years; Married 10 years
3 Children: 9, 6, 3
D-day: Jan. 16, 2014

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
confused girl
Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, March 9th (Sunday)

You're thinking about it now and that is important.

Keep swimming!!


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: May 2006
Topic Posts: 10